Deadpan Snarker/Literature/Harry Potter
Ron and Snape are the two primary outlets of sarcasm and snarkery in the series. A few gems from them:
Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster! |
- But this is only in the movie. In the book, it goes like this:
Hermione: I know what this is-it's devil's snare! |
- Another:
Professor Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb? |
- Another:
Hermione: Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn't damage your soul at all. |
- Also:
Hermione: Everyone knows. Well, everyone who has read Hogwarts: A History. |
Snape's response to when Dumbledore orders Snape to kill him:
Snape: (voice heavy with irony) "Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?" |
- Or this burn on Harry from Prisoner of Azkaban, after Malfoy saw Harry's head sticking out of the Invisibility Cloak in Hogsmeade:
What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter? Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade. |
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire has the scene where he read the "Witch Weekly" article about how Hermione was supposedly cheating on Harry with Viktor Krum. Snape, saying the following:
Snape: Miss Granger has developed a taste for famous wizards which Potter alone cannot... satisfy. |
- Snape's response to Harry about ghosts:
Snape: Oh, very good. (interrupted Snape, his lip curling.) Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent.' |
- This moment in the sixth film when Harry accuses Malfoy of cursing Katie Bell:
Snape: Your evidence? |
And we can't forget the troublemaking twins!
1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea. |
- Can't forget the twins' Crowning Moment of Funny when Mrs. Weasley freaks out about Ron being a prefect:
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, that's wonderful! That's everyone in the family! |
Though quite rare, Harry himself has his moments of cold, literalist sarcasm. From the fifth book:
Draco: You're dead, Potter. |
- Also from the fifth book:
Draco: You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments. |
- Harry has this Crowning Moment of Snark in the sixth book:
Harry: Yes. |
- But perhaps Harry's Crowning Moment of Snark comes from Philosopher's Stone:
Dudley: They flush people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Want to practice? |
- In Chamber of Secrets, on Harry's birthday:
Dudley: I know what day it is. |
Voldemort gets some pretty decent snarks in as well.
Voldemort: Wormtail, I need someone with brains, someone whose loyalty has never wavered and you unfortunately fulfill neither requirement. |
And don't let's forget Draco's dad, Lucius:
Hagrid: What're you doin' here? Get outta my house! |
Minor Posthumous Character Phineas Nigellus Black outdoes everyone in this department, despite his relatively small role.
Harry: Don't call Hermione 'simple'! |
Minerva McGonagall comes up with some great quips. One of the best comes from Book 3, when Trelawney brings up the old wive's tale that when 13 sit down for dinner, the first to rise shall be the first to die. Later, when Ron and Harry get up to leave, Trelawney demands to know which of them got up first. Cue:
McGonagall: I hardly think that matters, Sybil, unless there is a mad axeman waiting outside the hall to decapitate the first person to leave. |
- After finding out that Trelawney has predicted Harry's death:
McGonagall: You look perfectly healthy to me, Potter, so you'll forgive me if I don't let you off homework. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in. |
- And:
McGonagall: Well, I'm glad that you listen to Hermione Granger, at any rate. |
- And one more:
McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time. |
- Some great ones from Order of the Phoenix:
Umbridge: I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec— |
Also:
McGonagall: Potter has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests- |
- J. K. Rowling herself, especially when responding to some of the more bizarre speculation about the books or her personal life:
"Book Six is called The Toenail of Icklibõgg -- Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..." |
- She later admitted she made up the "Toenail of Icklibõgg" rumor (the "Pillar of Storgé" one, however? 100% real[1]).
- Responding on her website to whether the seventh book would be called "Harry Potter and the Pyramids of Furmat", Rowling wrote "The Pyramids of Furmat lie a few miles east of the famous Fortress of Shadows, not far from the magnificent Pillar of Storgé. Many tourists prefer to view these ancient monuments at night, when they are illuminated by the Green Flame Torch." (Those are all previously rumored titles.)
- She said that she might name the seventh book Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackeldirk. Yes, there were some people, as indicated by Mugglenet's Hall of Shame, who actually took that seriously and thought it would be the title. Ouch.
- Rowling's first husband apparently once claimed that he had helped her with the first Potter book. Her reply was "He had as much input into Harry Potter as I had in A Tale of Two Cities."
- "I've already answered this in FAQs, but as this rumour is still cropping up in fan letters I thought I'd reiterate here that there will be NO chapter called 'Lupin's Papers' in book six, nor will there be chapters entitled 'Pettigrew's Pamphlets', 'Sirius's Circulars' or 'The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape'."
- When fans started speculating there would be a character named Icicle in the sixth book (based on a misheard interview), Rowling said "There is no character named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle."
- A veritable storm of snark in the chapter in Deathly Hallows when Scrimgeour reads the trio the will of Albus Dumbledore.
Scrimgeour (scratching his badly shaven cheek and scrutinizing Harry): Why do you think - |
- Hilarious in Hindsight because Scrimgeour and Harry both ended up being right.
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