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== Episode 1 ==
* When Kyon prepares himself to talk to Haruhi (the new girl in class):
{{quote|'''Kyon''': ''(narrating)'' What I knew was for some odd reason, I felt almost compelled to talk to her.
I had no idea what I was gonna say- I was, '''''I was- I was feeling pretty nervous, you know?!'''''
'''Kyon''': ''(to Haruhi)'' ''So do you watch anime?''
'''Haruhi''': I ''hate'' anime.
''(Kyon laughs nervously)''
'''Haruhi''': I'm not joking.
'''Kyon''': ...'''What the fuck?!'''}}
* At the cafeteria:
{{quote|'''Kunikida''': This rice tastes like ''shit!'' ''(to Tanighchi)'' Hey, didn't you date Haruhi before?
'''Taniguchi''': '''LOVE IS JUST A LIE!'''}}
* When Kyon describes Haruhi:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': ''(narrating)'' Straight-A student, she's in every school club available and, ahem, every now and then, you know, she, uh...
''(shot of Haruhi removing her shirt)''
'''Background voice''': ''No, she doen not, you '''liar!'''''
''(shot of the boys being kicked out of the class)''
'''Kyon''': Okay, so maybe not that last past.
''(Ryoka closes the sliding door.)''
'''Ryoka''': ''Ow, my fucking '''TOE!'''''}}
* Kyon talks to Haruhi:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': So, do you change your hair daily because you're insecure about the way your forehead looks?
'''Haruhi''': Yeah, I do. How'd you know?
'''Kyon''': ''I too have an insecure forehead.'' (shot of his forehead) Hnn!}}
* Taniguchi and Ryoko scare Kyon:
{{quote|'''Kunikida''': Hey! What' up guys? What's up, guys?
'''Kyon''': [[Redundancy|Why'd you ask twice?]]
'''Ryoko''': '''[[Jump Scare|Hey, Kyon!]]'''
'''Kyon''': '''''Motherfuck!''''' '''I'm getting real tired of you guys sneaking up on me like that, okay?!'''
''(Kyon's mouthflaps keep moving)''
'''BG Voice 1''': What's he doing?
'''BG Voice 2''': ''Is his mouth stuck again?!
'''BG Voice 1''': Yeah!
'''BG Voice 2''': Oh God damnit! Just give him a few seconds.
'''Kyon''': [[Just Add Bitch|You bitch!]]
'''BG Voice 2''': Ah!
'''BG Voice 1''': There we go!}}
* "''This fucking board eraser is '''consuming my whole life!'''''"
* Haruhi doesn't like clubs:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': It's so boring around here, you know? I'm tempted to jump out a window.
'''Kyon''': ''(thinking)'' Oblige me, O mighty temptress.
'''Kyon''': ''(speaking)'' Interesting, huh. Like what?
'''Haruhi''': Well, like something ''cool.''
'''Kyon''': Why don't you stick your '''''HEAD'' in a freezer?!'''
'''Haruhi''': ''All the clubs here '''suck!''' And all the people suck just as hard. '''''[[Suddenly Shouting|Aggression!]]''''' (slams her desk with her fists)
'''Kyon''': Why don't you do something about it, then?
'''Haruhi''': (lifting her head up) ''I. Don't. Know. '''What!'''''
'''Kyon''': [["Not Making This Up" Disclaimer|(unedited dialogue)]] Listen, you can't help it if there aren't any. Besides, as normal human types, we gotta be happy with what we're given, you know what I'm saying? You can look at it this way: the people who don't like what they've given ofte-
'''Haruhi''': ''(falsetto voice)'' ''Will you '''hurry it up already?!!'''''
'''Kyon''': ''(whispering)'' You should make your own club.}}
* Kyon gets paranoid outside:
{{quote|"So now I'm stuck helping Haruhi with this club of hers. I'd say no, but quite frankly, ''she scares the crap outta me!''
And '''she's gonna do bad things to me, man! Bad things!'''''"}}

== Episode 1 Redux ==
* Kyon wins Haruhi's trust:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': All right, fuck it, we can be friends.
'''Kyon''': ''Fuck yeah'', dude! So does that mean we can do cool stuff like shoplifing and paint huffing?
'''Haruhi''': I was ''actually'' thinking more along the lines of starting a club room and hunting down Bigfoot. But if we can't find Bigfoot, then we'll hunt down some Sayans. And if we can't find any Sayans, then we'll probably just ''kill ourselves.''
'''Kyon''': Well, that last part sounds fucking fantastic.}}
* Haruhi's "Ta-daaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" when showing her club room to Kyon, and him saying ''"Shut the fuck up!"''
** The next part:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': I present to you our brand-new, very own club room. It's got.. ''books!''
'''Kyon''': Huh?
'''Haruhi''': And... ''that thing!''
'''Kyon''': '''Whoa, that thing?! Holy ''fuck!'''''}}
* Kyon notes Mikuru being held against her will by Haruhi for the club:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': Ah! I see you're into the kidnapping business, Haruhi. That's terrifying. '''...I like it.'''}}
* Haruhi ends the meeting:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': So! Now that we have four people, we can officially begin our crusade to destroy all the bullshit and change the entire world!
'''Kyon''': All right, uh, but how exactly is a club room gonna help up do that?
'''Haruhi''': Pyramid scheme.
''(Kyon, in shock, facepalms)''}}

== Episode 2 ==
* Haruhi and Mikuru, dressed in [[Playboy Bunny]] outfits, are handling pamphlets to students when teachers mistake them as hookers and come in:
{{quote|'''Teacher''': '''Suck my DICK!'''
'''Haruhi''': I am ''not'' a '''hooker!'''
'''Teacher''': Yes, you are!
'''Haruhi''': No, I'm not! ''(to a student)'' Anyway, sir, how would you li-
(The teachers take Haruhi and Mikuru by force.)
'''Teacher''': ''You'' are a hooker and you are going to '''suck my DICK!'''}}
* Yuki insisting for Kyon to take her book and him looking dumbfounded beyond belief.
* Haruhi at her computer:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': AH!
'''Kyon''': WOAH!
'''Haruhi''': Where's Mikuru?
'''Kyon''': She's probably in your head.
'''Haruhi''': Let me check.
''(She closes her eyes and concentrates)''
'''Haruhi''': No, she's not there.
'''Kyon''': WELL, LOOK HARDER!
''(Haruhi hums loudly)''}}
* Haruhi screams:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': What am I supposed to do without Mikuru? I had this new sexy outfit for her to try on and everything!
'''Kyon''': ...I'll wear it.
''(Scene change)''
'''Kyon''': ''(narrating)'' And it got real quiet after I said that.}}
* The quick cuts between Yuki waiting at the park and Kyon reading his book. And then when he realises how long she waited...
** This gem:
{{quote|'''Kyon's sister''': Hey, Kyon. Where are you going?
'''Kyon''': '''Fuck you and your blue popsicle!'''}}

== Episode 3 ==
* After thoughts of Yuki and Haruhi together... possibly naked:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': ''(holding Yuki's book)'' ''Well, book,'' I am horny. And it's just you and me.
''([[Scare Chord]], zoom to the book)''
'''Book's thoughts''': ''OH, NOT AGAIN!''}}
* Haruhi sure is excited:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': [[New Transfer Student|The mysterious transfer student]] is finally here! '''Excitemeeeeeeeeeeeent!'''
'''Kyon''': ''(in between Haruhi)'' Isn't it a little early for you to be '''LOUD AND OBNOUXIOUS?!''' And how do you know he's mysterious?
'''Haruhi''': ''(twirling her finger)'' Because ''all'' transfer students are mysterious. ''And I just drank some stuff from under the sink!''
'''Kyon''': ''Oh really? Me too!''
'''Haruhi''': Really?
'''Kyon''': ''No! You're going to die!''
'''Haruhi''': Awesome!
''(Haruhi runs past Kyon)''
'''Kyon''': So anyway, how are you going to find the student- you just puked all over the floor.
'''Haruhi''': ''I'm still so excited!''}}
* Yuki attemps to play Othello: "King me, bitch."
*Guess who Haruhi fucking found:
{{quote|'''Itsuki''': Itsuki Koizumi. Pleasure to meet your awkward acquaintance!
''(Background voice: ''Hi!'')''
'''Haruhi''': ''So mysterious, we don't even know his fucking name!''}}
* Itsuki to Kyon: "Oh god, your hand is so smooth! HHGGGNNN!"
** Mikuru trips on the game board:
{{quote|'''Mikuru''': Sorry, Yuki. I guess we can't continue the game we're playing. Oh no.
'''Yuki''': ''(thinking)'' Fucking cheater.}}
* Kyon intrudes on Mikuru being dressed by Haruhi and, embarrassed, rushes to the exit:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': ''She's a '''girl?!'''''}}
* Mikuru to Kyon: "I'm actually '''A BIG HAIRY MAN.''' Uh, I mean, I am actually a time traveller who travel through time."
* After a whole bunch of exposition from Mikuru:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': Could you tell me how old you really are if you are really time travelling?
'''Mikuru''': ''That's'' classified.
'''Kyon''': '''WHY DO YOU TEASE ME SO?'''}}

== Episode 4 ==
* Haruhi complains about her day:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': We have a weird transfer student and a total [[moe]] character, so ''why hasn't anything strange happened yet?'' I asked the [[Magic 8-Ball]] if something out of the ordinary would happen today, and it told me to go ''fuck'' myself.}}
* This bit:
{{quote|'''Teacher''': ''Why do I even bother teaching you kids? You're all retarded.''}}
* While Kyon whacks the door to the club:
{{quote|'''Yuki''': Stop it. Stop it. ''The door is unlocked!''}}
* Haruhi sits at the computer and stares at it...
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': What am I even doing?}}
* In the middle of Yuki and Ryoko's battle;
{{quote|'''Kyon''': ''(narrating)'' You know, I should really be freaked out by all this, but, ''eh'', not as bad as paint huffing. (burps)}}
* Later in the showdown:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': Yuki, are you all right-
''(Yuki kicks him in the face)''
'''Yuki''': Kyooon, loook out.
'''Kyon''': She didn't attack that time!
'''Yuki''': Yes, she did, you just didn't see it.}}
* While Yuki deprograms Ryoko's environment, changing it into a desert filled with sparkles:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': ...Is it weird if I have a boner right now?}}
* After the fight:
{{quote|'''Yuki''': Um.
'''Kyon''': What's wrong?
''(Yuki smacks her face. Her glasses are missing.)''
'''Yuki''': I can't see a fucking thing.}}
* Taniguchi opens the classroom door:
{{quote|'''Taniguchi''': What's up? Forgot where the bathroom was, so I'm just gonna poop in here-
''(He sees Kyon and Yuki in a compromising position and is shocked.)''
'''BG voice''': NO.
'''Taniguchi''': Well then...
''(He sprints outside of the classroom)''
'''Taniguchi''': '''''I guess I'll just poop''' in the cafeteria like'' everyone else...!}}

== Episode 9 ==
* Right at the beginning:
{{quote|'''Itsuki''': This trip should keep Haruhi's spirits in a good mood. ''No more of this closed butthole shit. It's super '''god dang''' annoying and my asscheeks hurt!''}}

== Episode 10 ==
* "That is a dead ass mothafucka!"
* "Is he- Is he gonna check his dick for a pulse?"
* The butler "checking" the dead host's signs by slapping the shit out of the dead host, screaming about how much he hates his guts.
* These lines:
{{quote|'''Kyon''': GodDAMNIT ''I'm gonna fuck you in the ass, Koizumi!''
'''Itsuki''': Come at me, sugar butt.
'''Kyon''': Ahhh okay, statement retracted. Like into my body, right into my stomach. And out of my mouth, and very far away.}}
* Haruhi doesn't get how dangerous the investigation could be:
{{quote|'''Haruhi''': Anyway, the apparent murderer, they try to escape, right? I mean, ''what if they're outside right now, trying to do just that?!''
'''Kyon''': ''Yeah!'' So [[Deadpan Snarker|let's just go ahead]] and run head first into some dude with a knife who's gonna probably fuckin' stab us in the stomach repeat-
''(Haruhi takes Kyon and drag him along)''
'''Haruhi''': ''Exactly!'' '''Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!'''}}

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[[Category:Funny]]