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Everything Trying to Kill You: Difference between revisions
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{{quote| "Every creature [in Australia] is bigger and angrier than anywhere else in the world. ...[[Insane Troll Logic|spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks. The Earth is one big rock, Australia is at the bottom of the big rock, and so they're trying to hide under it.]]"<br />
'''[[The Ricky Gervais Show|Karl Pilkington]]''' - ''Happyslapped by a Jellyfish.'' }}
* Even the geological chemistry of Oz is trying to kill you. [
* About the only things that aren't dangerous or poisonous are some of the sheep (which aren't native to Australia). And maybe wallabies. The following things will kill you: common spiders, the most common snakes, ticks, crocodiles, sharks, jellyfish, stonefish, we have a seashell that will go for you and deliver a very painful, fast death. Even (male) platypus are poisonous.
** Platypodes aren't merely venomous, they have probably the most terrifying venom in nature. The other animals on this list will just kill you, the Platypus isn't that humane. Its venom attacks the victim's pain receptors, cranking them [[Up to Eleven]] and ripping off the knob. It causes pain so horrible that even the highest non-lethal dose of morphine isn't enough. To stop the pain, doctors actually have to physically sever the nerve from the affected area to the brain because that's the only thing powerful enough.
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* Also, falling gum tree limbs (known as [[Names to Run Away From Really Fast|widowmakers]]) have caused serious property damage and deaths. And they ''fall with '''no''' warning''. Feel like taking a nap under a gum tree during a hot day? It might be the last thing you do...
* And that's just the stuff on land, they also have - apart from the sharks and saltwater crocodiles - blue ringed octopus, box jellyfish, cone snails, stingrays, etc.
** You know your country is scary when even the snails can kill. The aptly named Triton (not the car) is one of the few predators that will kill and eat [
* That is one of the reasons why Steve Irwin was considered one of the best [[Real Life]] [[Badass|badasses]]. "Now watch as I approach the kangaroo's babies, if I'm not careful the mama will rip off my arm and start beating me with it!!" Nothing he says is worth anything less then two exclamation points.
** If Australia killed Steve Irwin, what chance do ''you'' have?
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* Out of all these critters, the only ones that really cramp your style are the jellyfish. Sharks? Pfft, there's like three left. Spiders? Don't go picking up random bits of rusty iron. Snakes? Make a lot of noise whilst walking through undergrowth, wear tough shoes, etc. Stonefish/cone shells? Don't walk barefoot on reefs. Drop bears? Don't hang around underneath gum trees. But jellyfish? "Oh, I'm sorry if you wanted to go for a swim at that otherwise harmless sandy beach when it's 42 degrees. We'll just be floating around by our thousands, invisible and potentially fatal."
** Not to mention the Irukandji. The worst of the box jellyfish (an infamous class of jellyfish), they will actively seek out prey rather than drift along in the current, are the size of a fingernail, are transparent, can swim through anti-jellyfish safety nets on beaches and pack a horrifically painful sting which has 'a sense of impending doom' listed as a symptom on [[That Other Wiki]].
** Sure the little guys are scary, but on the other side of the scale, Australia is also home to a southern-hemisphere relative of the [
* They may not be dangerous to humans, but the only known variety of sea squirt that snares prey like a Venus fly-trap rather than passively filtering water lives just off Australia.
** Look at the rest of the list. Not dangerous to humans? Don't count on it.
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* Australia is not just an active killer, it's also passive-aggressive as all hell. There's been no crustal overturn in most of the continent since around the time of the first dinosaurs, so the soils tend overwhelmingly to be thin and nutrient-poor, and in many places -- especially in the southwest -- tens of millions of years of accumulated salt spray make the ground inhospitable to vegetation not evolved to cope with it. Europeans moved to this place and set about establishing European-style agriculture. Australia blinked and chuckled grimly at that, though it's true those rabbit things are annoying.
* Just to prove the government has a sense of humour - snakes are protected species in most areas, it's illegal to kill them. Snakes do not reciprocate this policy. Fortunately for gardeners, the natural enemy of the snake, the shovel, is often close by.
* But, there is one subversion. Most native Australian [
== Real Life -- The Rest ==
* One could argue that [[Real Life]] ''itself'' is ''loaded'' with this: wild animals, natural disasters, disasters from space, wars...And let's not get into the [[The Same but More|megadisasters]] on Earth: supervolcanoes, supertornadoes, megatsunamis, [
* Column writer Robert Brockway has written a book titled "[http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Going-Kill-Everybody-Terrifyingly/dp/0307464342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1249601995&sr=8-1 Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead]"
* How about the ocean? Obviously if you can't swim and don't have a lifejacket you're in trouble. But even if you manage to find some kind of floatation device much of the ocean is cold enough to get you via hypothermia as cold water conducts heat away from the body [http://www.ussartf.org/cold_water_survival.htm 32-times faster than cold air] - many of the victims of shipping disasters who escape the sinking ship die from the cold. Even heing adrift in warm waters in the relative security of a raft is no guarantee of safety as you are at serious risk of dying from thirst. Drinking large quantities of seawater is potentially lethal thanks to the [http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2131/what-would-happen-to-you-if-you-drank-seawater high salinity] that will lead to dehydration and kidney failure. Then there are the things that live in the oceans; large predatory animals [[Everything Is Even Worse With Sharks|including sharks]] and killer whales. Not to mention millions of lethally venomous jellyfish, sea urchins, lion fish, stone fish, octopodes, etc. Plus electric eels, catfish and rays, although the only of those you're going to find out in seawater are the electric rays, which like to swim in shallow coastal waters. Note that the electric ray genus "Torpedo" wasn't named after the naval weapon, [
** Octopuses are rarely dangerous, in spite of their infamous reputation for malevolence. First, while almost all octopuses venomous, very few will bite humans, with those few that will will do so only when provoked (i.e., being pulled out of their lair and or picked up). Second, the giant octopuses, the only ones capable of harming a human with sheer size, usually hide in caves deeper than human beings tend to dive, and are very shy. Third, in the very rare situation that an octopus ''is'' harming you, you can usually get it to let go by pinching the incredibly sensitive membrane between the arms. Fourthly, only one species, the Blue-Ringed, is the only octopus ever been documented as being able to kill humans.
** The [
*** The above has been shown to be more hype than fact. A documentary by researchers showed that the squid's infamous aggressive behavior is due to the traumatic situations in which they normally encounter humans (i.e. when being hooked and killed by fisherman, the blood, death and chaos understandably drives them a bit crazy). When encountered under more natural conditions they are peaceful and even curious toward human divers.
* Electric Eels live in the Amazon River. Which brings up another point... The Rainforest. No wonder they are called ''Green Hells''.
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