Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions

''Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG'' is [[Exactly What It Says on the Tin]] — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for [[The Loonie]], has been banned from doing in [[Tabletop Games]]. It is ''long'' (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of [[Averted Trope|aversions]], and often really funny.

Read the full list here:

* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html Numbers 1001 - 1500]

* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/282764.html Numbers 1501 - 2000]

Compare ''[[Skippy's List]]''. Compare and contrast the ''[[Evil Overlord List]]'', which is more about becoming [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is ''[[Werewolf: The Apocalypse]]'' specific.

1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.

2274. I am not transelven.

}}

* [[Ambiguously Jewish]]: Averted.

192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.

217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.

589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.

1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.

1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security.

* [[Big Bad Friend]] / [[Vitriolic Best Buds]]:

1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me.

}}

{{quote|

82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.

1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.

1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.

}}

* [[Chronic Backstabbing Disorder]]:

* [[Coast Guard]]

{{quote|61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.}}

* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt.

{{quote|

80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.

194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.

363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.

692. The [[Raiders of the Lost Ark|Dr. Jones]] [[Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?|School of Swordfighting]] is not an appropriate Swordsman's School.

* [[Combining Mecha]]:

{{quote|130. I am not authorized to [[Voltron|form the head]].

* [[Crowd Song]]:

{{quote|940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.}}

* [[Cutting the Knot]]: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.

{{quote|

{{quote|411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.

1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it. }}

* [[Doppelganger Spin]]:

{{quote|1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed.}}

* [[Drop the Hammer]]:

* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...

{{quote|

38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.

50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.

694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.

1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window.

1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.

1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death.

1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense.

}}

* [[Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend]]: Apparently the cause of strife more than once.

452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.

493. I will not base any Media character off [[Bloom County|Milo Bloom]].

1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is [[Law and Order|Lennie Briscoe]], he dies. }}

* [[Gatling Good]]:

{{quote|160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.

1257. No, the answer to the problem is not [[More Dakka|to make a gatling gun]] [[Stuff Blowing Up|out of bazookas.]]

1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }}

* [[Groin Attack]]:

{{quote|248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.

1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.

* [[Groundhog Day Loop]]:

{{quote|1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop.}}

751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".

783: The following are not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai llama, Boom Orangutan.

1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.

1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.

1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean [[All Your Base Are Belong to Us|all their base belongs to us]].

}}

* [[Inescapable Ambush]]: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.

* [[Kill It with Fire]]:

{{quote|

1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.

1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.

1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.

2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale.

}}

* [[Kill It with Water]]:

* [[Master of None]]:

{{quote|5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.

1917. "The ability to do anything, as long as it's not that hard" is not a real superpower. }}

* [[Me's a Crowd]]:

{{quote|

15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.

440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.

557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.

589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.

603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.

803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem.

868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range.

925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.

1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can't impact the total world supply.

1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.

1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol.

1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }}

** Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.

{{quote|1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.}}

* [[Mundane Utility]]:

{{quote|

1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.

1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles.

1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn.

1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization.

2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.

2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.

}}

* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]:

101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''.

114. The demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.

572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.

598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.

1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.

1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.

{{quote|561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.

716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }}

== O ==

{{quote|

38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.

182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.

270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.

840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.

922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout.

* [[One-Hit Polykill]]:

{{quote|1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.}}

41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.

128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.

260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.

553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.

214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.

405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.

}}

* [[Pit Trap]]:

{{quote|1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.}}

{{quote|1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.}}

* [[Plot Armor]]:

* [[Power Perversion Potential]]:

{{quote|

301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.

595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.

966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.

1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean '[[Being There|he likes to watch]]'. }}

{{quote|211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies.}}

* [[Punched Across the Room]]:

1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot. }}

188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf. }}

* [[Razor Floss]]:

* [[Recoil Boost]]:

* [[Redemption Equals Sex]]:

{{quote|1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.}}

* [[Reference Overdosed]]: Hoo boy.

* [[Religion of Evil]]:

* [[Required Secondary Powers]]:

{{quote|606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.

* [[Retcon]]:

{{quote|305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.

* [[Reverse Psychology]]:

{{quote|704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.}}

879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.

998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.

* [[Scenery Censor]]:

{{quote|532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.}}

1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.

1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male. <ref>(Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)</ref>

1410. Bleaching the drow won't help.

1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping.

1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. }}

* [[Sdrawkcab Name]]:

1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow. }}

* [[Selectively-Lethal Weapon]]:

{{quote|71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser.

328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.

1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun. }}

* [[Self-Imposed Challenge]]:

99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.

619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.

798. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons.

958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.

1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns.

1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say.

}}

* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these.

469. If I wake up to find [[The Lord of the Rings|black cloaked figures]] in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room.

529. My character is not from [[Dune|Duncan, Idaho]].

909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]]

931. [[The Order of the Stick|No one's afraid of plants.]]

1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every [[Doctor Who|police box]] we pass.

1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok [[Gremlins|after midnight]].

1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]".

1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]].

1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]]

1509. No part of the Constitution is written in [[National Treasure|invisible ink]].

1618. Any character even remotely resembling [[Mr. B Natural]] is dead before the first dice are rolled.

1643. Despite [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|precedent]], if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard.

1716. [[The Order of the Stick|Summon Para-Legal Elemental]] is not a real spell.

1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar [[Watership Down|Watership]].

1868. Playing [[the Who]] doesn't give me a bonus to [[CSI: Miami|forensics checks]].

* [[Similarly Named Works]]

{{quote|1333. I will tell the [[Noob]] the [[Twilight 2000|game]] is about [[World War III|post nuclear Europe]] and not [[Twilight (novel)|love struck vampires]] before we start.}}

{{quote|1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.}}

* [[Talk to the Fist]]:

* [[Tank Goodness]]:

{{quote|1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.}}

2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus.

2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.}}

* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]:

{{quote|159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.

450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.

678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.

1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.

1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.

1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire.

1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah.

* [[What Did I Do Last Night?]]:

{{quote|597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.