Up in Smoke (fanfic)/Funny

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• Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.

Man: I Slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off. Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!

• Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:

Pedro: No, that's my dick...[finds it] Here it is. Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

• "Am I driving OK?" [They're parked.]

• "Hey don't take those, man."

"You just ate the most acid I ever seen anyone eat in my life."

• Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.

"My license? It's on the bumper." "Here's your momma!" "His name is RAAAAAALPH, man."

• Chong spills Ajax on a plate. A woman sees it and thinks that it's cocaine...

• The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.

Cop: "What do you guys want?" Cop: "Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?" Chong: "What was he on, man? Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"

• Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
  • In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
  • The end to that bit:

"Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?" "No, who is this is?" "This is Sargent Stadenko!" "Oh, yeah? You know who this is?" "...No...!" "Bye-bye, lardass!"

• "Fuck me, Alex!"
  • "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"

• The entire Alice Bowie performance.

• "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"