Bewitched/Quotes
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Season 3
Super Car
- [Endora 'pops' in while Darrin has a day off from work.]
- Samantha: Mother, Darrin's off today.
- Endora: I think you're just noticing it for the first time.
The Corn is as High as a Guernsey's Eye
- [Samantha is trying to convince a cow (who she believes to be Aunt Clara) to go to the kitchen. It won't budge.]
- Samantha: Just because you chose to be a cow doesn't mean you have to be a stupid one.
- Samantha: You see, everything turns out for the best.
- Darrin: Yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does.
The Trial and Error of Aunt Clara
- [Samantha is trying to hide a witches court meeting (attended by Endora, Clara, Enchantra and Hagatha) from Darrin in the other room.]
- Darrin: I know why you don't want to let me in there.
- Samantha: You do?
- Darrin: Mm-hm. I finally figured it out. Ladies club, right?
- Samantha: Sort of.
- Darrin: Is it the committee for the bazaar?
- Samantha: Oh, I'd certainly call them a bizarre committee.
Three Wishes
- Darrin: That was no lady, that was my mother-in-law!
- Samantha: Darrin, I'm leaving you.
- Darrin: Sam!
- Samantha: I'm going home to mother.
- Darrin: What do you mean "going home to mother"? Your mother's always here.
Cousin Serena Strikes Again
- [Referring to Darrin's beautiful, but snobby, client.]
- Samantha: Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon.
- Darrin: What for?
- Samantha: To have her nose lowered.
Charlie Harper, Winner
- [After losing to Charlie all day.]
- Darrin: Believe me honey, I don't feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great. I finally beat Charlie at something.
- Samantha: You said you lost by 12 strokes.
- Darrin: 11.
- Samantha: Oh, pardon me.
- Darrin: But we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy and I won. It cost me ten bucks, but I won.
The Crone of Cawdor
- Samantha: When the earth turns once around the sun, let the crone go forth til the day is done. Another's form she'll take and her form leave, from 6 in the morn til 6 in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure, a willing kiss from a mortal pure. To her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age forsooth. [Legend of the Crone of Cawdor]
Season 4
My What Big Ears You Have
- Darrin: A satisfactory explanation?! You're kidding!
- Samantha: It's not for me. I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts. Mother will not take off that spell until you explain.
- Darrin: Suppose you explain to me what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls.
- Samantha: Darrin, how can I explain my mother?
- Darrin (realizing Samantha's point): That's true.
Season 5
Darrin, Gone and Forgotten
- Samantha: Happy sweetheart?
- Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.
- Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'?
- Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!
- Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.
- Samantha: I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms.
- Darrin: Let's hope it stays 'almost'.
- Samantha: Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.
- [Samantha is trying to figure out who has taken Darrin.]
- Maurice: Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.
- Endora: Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.
It's So Nice to Have a Spouse Around the House
- [After Darrin yells out loud.]
- Endora: I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
- [After Darrin insults Endora]
- Endora: Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.
- Darrin: Let me try a little harder.
- Samantha: Mr Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.
- Larry Tate: And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.
Samantha's French Pastry
- [Joking about Samantha's unrisen Angel Food Cake]
- Uncle Arthur: When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.
- Darrin: I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.
- Samantha: Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.
- Darrin: Ironic?
- Samantha: Yes. Who can you say it to?
Is It Magic Or Imagination?
- [Darrin is trying to apologize to Samantha, for accusing her of using witchcraft to win a slogan competition].
- Darrin: The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!
Samantha Fights City Hall
- Larry Tate: [Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece.
- Darrin: Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line.
- Larry Tate: Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.
Samantha Loses Her Voice
- [Larry explaining why he didn't pick his wife for his volleyball team].
- Larry Tate: Have you ever seen Louise play volleyball? Her best shot is ducking.
I Don't Want to Be a Toad, I Want to Be a Butterfly
- [After Tabitha has changed her classmate into a butterfly].
- Tabitha: Is this one of those things that's called a problem?
- Samantha: Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.
Weep No More My Willow
- Mrs Kravitz: Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.
- Mr Kravitz: So what? I'm listening to one.
Season 8
A Plague on Maurice and Samantha
- Maurice: Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.
- [Maurice dismisses his driver (named Yorick), who coughs before disappearing.]
- Maurice: Alas, poor Yorick. He isn't well.
- Darrin's client: And Mrs Stephens. You should be very proud of your father. I think he's dynamite.
- Samantha: Ooh, I do too. And, uh, I never know when he might explode.
Hansel And Gretel In Samanthaland
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Larry Tate: Darren, why are you carrying that leg of lamb? |
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The Warlock In The Grey Flannel Suit
- [After finding out that Endora has cast yet another spell on Darrin.]
- Samantha: One thing you can say about my mother. She's a mother-in-law.
- Darrin: The one thing I can say about your mother is censorable.
The Eight-Year Witch
{{quote}Endora: Have you ever heard of the syndrome peculiar to mortal men? The seven year itch? Seven years marriage and it's off with the old and on with the new. Samantha: In case you hadn't noticed, Darrin and I have been married for eight years. Endora: You see, Derwood can't do anything right. |After Endora finds photographs of beautiful models in swimsuits in Darrin's briefcase.}}
Three Men And A Witch On a Horse
- [Samantha is reading a newspaper betting column. She is trying to dissuade Darrin from betting on the horse.]
- Samantha: Look at what this fellow says about Count of Valor. "Couldn't beat a fat man up a hill".
- [Darrin is phoning the betting company to place a bet on a horse.]
- Darrin: Hello. I'd like to place a bet. My account number is A231. My codename is 'Dog'.
- Samantha: And so's your horse.
- [When Count of Valor is at the back of the field in the race.]
- Samantha: He'll catch up.
- Larry Tate: Only if they race to Albany.
Adam, Warlock or Washout?
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Maurice: She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes. |
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Endora: Maurice, this exhibition is absurd. Childishly flamboyant and pathetically egomaniacical. —Maurice is greeting Samantha.
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Tabitha: Hello, Grandpapa. —Maurice is greeting Tabitha.
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Maurice: Let me tell you what I think the problem is. This child has been brought up in an atmosphere that has inhibited the growth of his witchcraft. —Explaining why Adam has not shown any signs of being a warlock.
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Samantha is Earthbound
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Mr. Prescott: That's a pretty squirrely couple —After witnessing Samantha and Darrin walking along while hugging each other closely (to prevent Samantha from being lifted into the air!)
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Samantha on Thin Ice
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Darrin: Can you learn to skate normally? From scratch, without witchcraft? |
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Serena's Youth Pill
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In gay Paree it's s'il vous plaît, in Germany it's bitte. Please, Serena, come this way, I need a baby sitter.
—Samantha
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Do me a favour, call Berlitz and get me a translator —Larry Tate doesn't understand what Louise is getting at!
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Tabitha's First Day at School
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Darrin: Is Tabitha ready for school? |
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Charlton, the bully: What kind of dumb name is Tabitha? |
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Charlton's mom: Why does he keep saying that? —After Charlton keeps insisting that Tabitha turned him into a bullfrog.
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Samantha: Young lady! You have nothing to laugh about, you started this whole mess. Now, how are we gonna deal with you? —After Samantha has convinced the bully's mother that he only imagined himself as a bullfrog
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George Washington Zapped Here
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George Washington: And who is this bearded fellow? —After George Washington sees Abraham Lincoln's face on the $5 bill and his on the $1 bill
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Samantha: Sometimes, it's easier to be led than to lead. And a great many of our citizens prefer to stand on the sidelines and ignore their rights instead of defend them. They're called "The Silent Majority". |
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How come you witches can do anything, but you can't come up with a witch psychiatrist for her! —Darrin, referring to Esmerelda
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School Days, School Daze
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Samantha: How would you like a drink? |
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A Good Turn Never Goes Unpunished
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Just because blondes have more fun doesn't make them brainless, you know?
—Samantha
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Samantha: Did Larry like it? |
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Samantha's Witchcraft Blows a Fuse
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There goes one of the great quackpots of all time. —Samantha, referring to Dr. Bombay
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The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me Sam
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Samantha: Darrin, don't make mother angry. She's very difficult when she gets angry. |
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Darrin: Honey. You're beautiful, sweet, clever, adorable and I love you madly. [referring to the spell] It works. —The last lines spoken in the series. Darrin is testing the truth spell Endora has cast
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Catch Phrases
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Oh my stars!
—Samantha
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Weeell?
—Samantha
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SAMANTHA!
—Darrin
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