Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

  • Vimes (and half the other characters present) at the climax -- he arrests two entire armies (including his own side) as they stand on the battlefield, charging them with breach of the peace, loitering with intent, loitering within tent, malicious lingering... and carrying a concealed weapon, simply because he doesn't happen to be looking at the weapons at the time. He also arrests the leader of the opposing army for murder and threatens to shoot the leader of Ankh-Morpork's army. At which point Captain Carrot organises a football game.
    • "Vimes had a manic gleam in his eye. 'I *like* it!' he said. 'We can charge them with behavior likely to create a breach of the peace, starting an afray...' he started counting on his fingers 'going equipped to commit a crime, and malicious lingering. Oh, and carrying concealed weapons. I mean, I can't see them.'"
  • In the same scene, when Vimes points out to the Magnificent Bastard ruler (who is arrogantly pointing out that Vimes (being Lawful Good) wouldn't dare shoot) just who Vimes' own ancestor was (the city guard captain who killed an insane ruler of Ankh-Morpork). The fact that Vetinari's Klatchian counterpart is visibly shaken at this is just made of win. The scene is made even more badass when you realize that Vimes was completely bluffing, was scared absolutely witless, and had just been told in no uncertain terms that the Klatchian army would be busy killing him if he hadn't made a single different decision earlier in the book. And then Vetinari shows up just in time to steal the bolt out of his crossbow as it goes off.
  • Then there's this line, in regards to Carrot having talked the D'regs into not charging.

"This man can make water run uphill and he has a commander."

  • Vetinari usually gets these near the ends of most of the stories he appears in, after orchestrating elaborate plans and Roulettes that work out to improve Ankh-Morpork for the better. Vetinari is badass.
  • The knife-juggling stunt, which consisted of Vetinari juggling three melons and three knives at the same time (it is pointed out that this is harder than six of either item, because of the differences in shape and weight). He then goes on to use the knives to cut the melons in half in midair. Furthermore, on the next page, he claims that "Until now, I've never tried it."
    • That is, he's never tried juggling. Of any kind.
    • Apparently it's a cake walk compared to running Ankh-Morpork.
  • Vetinari surrenders the island of Leshp unconditionally to the Klatchians, leading Lord Rust to charge him with treason. Knowing that the island will sink back under the sea in a few days, he arranges for the treaty-signing to take place there. Thus, the treaty becomes null and void, the Klatchian leader is disgraced, and, since he didn't sign a treaty to surrender a nonexistent island, all charges against Vetinari are dropped.
    • And Vimes' response when the city leaders reluctantly tell him that he has to let Vetinari go. "Well, if you think of anything to charge him with later, just let me know and I'll go arrest him again. I know where he lives."
  • "VENI. VICI. VETINARI." -you don't need other words.
  • Nobby's weapons savviness from Men At Arms, followed by a Continuity Nod in this book, when Nobby gets his hands on a proto-RPG. Hilarity Ensues.
  • 71 Hour Ahmed. Basically the closest thing Discworld has to a Cowboy Cop and about equal to Vimes on nearly all counts, but especially when he points out to Vimes that both of them suspected their own countries on principle when the other country was incriminated, and the only difference was that Ahmed happened to be right.
  • In the same scene when Vimes reasons out that Ahmed is actually also a watchman.
  • This exchange:

Prince Cadram: Well, Mr Samuel, when I raise my hand, the men behind me will cut you d-
71-Hour Ahmed: I will cut down the first man that moves.
Prince Cadram: Then the second man that moves will kill you, traitor!
Captain Carrot: (Drawing sword) They'll have to move very fast.
Commander Vimes: Any volunteers to be the third man? Anyone?