Steven Wright/Quotes
Hermits have no peer pressure. |
Every time I think about the past it brings back memories. |
I used to work in the factory where they make hydrants. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. |
In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". |
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. |
Today I went down to the Hare Krishna temple to try and sell them some airline tickets. |
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it was, he did, and I said, "No further questions." |
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy. |
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. |
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns... behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk. |
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" |
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here." |
I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, "Is Joey there?" The woman says "Yes." I said, "May I speak to him please?" She said, "No, he can't right now, he is only 2 months old." I said, "All right, I'll wait." |
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. |
I have a hobby... I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. |
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." |
My school colors were clear. |
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger? |
You know how you stick a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I don't take baths. |
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. |
I went to the movies, and the prices were adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl." |
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said "Hi," and she said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said, "Yeah, I guess." I said, "What do you mean 'you guess'?" She said "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you, I don't even know you." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein." |