Up in Smoke (fanfic)/Funny

Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.

Man: I Slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.

Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!

Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:

Pedro: No, that's my dick...[finds it] Here it is.

Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

"Am I driving OK?" [They're parked.]

"Hey don't take those, man."

"You just ate the most acid I ever seen anyone eat in my life."

Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.

"My license? It's on the bumper."

"Here's your momma!"

"His name is RAAAAAALPH, man."

Chong spills Ajax on a plate. A woman sees it and thinks that it's cocaine...

The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.

Cop: "What do you guys want?"

Cop: "Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?"

Chong: "What was he on, man?

Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"

Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
- In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
- The end to that bit:

"Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"

"No, who is this is?"

"This is Sargent Stadenko!"

"Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"

"...No...!"

"Bye-bye, lardass!"

"Fuck me, Alex!"
- "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"

The entire Alice Bowie performance.

"You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"