Victorious/Quotes

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.



Season 1

Pilot

[In Tori's house]
Tori: Let's see, the bread mold.
Ian: Bread mold.
Tori: Furry.
Ian : Furry.
Tori: Mushy.
Ian : Mushy.
Tori: Next, The fish mold.
Ian: Fish mold.
Tori: Spongy.
Ian: Spongy.
Tori: (Smells the fish mold) Stinky.
Trina: [enters] I am so upset! (slams door) You wont believe who i got partnered with for the big showcase.
Tori: Who?
Trina: Andrew Harris, a 10th grader!
Ian: What's the big showcase?
Tori: It's a performance they put on at her school "every" year where they...
Trina: [cutting in] They invite agents and directors and producers and other super powerful people in showbusiness and it's extremely important to me, which is why I am very upset, and [dramatically] goooooodbyeeeee.
Tori: Hey! Him and i have a science project due tomorrow. I have to turn in my mold bush.
Trina: So Andrew is coming over and he's got to help us figure out what I'm going to be doing in the big showcase. I DEFINITELY want to sing, (sings off key) How was that?
Tori: Loud!
Trina: Awesome. (doorbell rings) He's here. (she walks to answer the door, Tori follows) STAY! (Trina answers the door) Come in!
Andre: Thanks.
Trina: Tori,that's Andrew
Andre: Andre.
Tori: Hey.
Andre: You go to Hollywood Arts, too?
Tori: Ohh no, I'm not a performer. Just my sister.
Trina: Yep, I've got the talent and she's got the strong teeth. You know, she's never had one cavity.
Tori: I try not to brag about it. (Andre walks to the piano)
Andre: Ooh, nice piano! (plays)
Tori: Oh, my god! You're fantastic!
Trina: He's okay. (Andre sniffs Tori's hand)
Tori: Fish mold. (Andre drops Tori's hand)
Tori's Slap Update: 5 DAYS helping Trina and Andre rehearse. Trina's driving me INSANE!
Andre (oh phone) No, Grandma, listen...there is no way that you can drown at my school...you're not going to fall in a toilet...(pretends to lose signal) look...look I got to...I'LL CALL YOU LATER! (hangs up)
Tori: Your grandmother's coming to the big showcase?
Andre: Yeah its going to be the first time she's left the house in six years.
Tori: Why?
Andre: The woman is afraid of everything - people, umbrellas, Rabbis, bikinis, breakfast foods.
Tori: So if she saw a Rabbi in a bikini eating pancakes...
Andre: The woman would burst into flames.
Trina: (off screen) You guys, come on!
Tori: Back to rehearsal.
Andre: Lets go.
Trina: (in a light blue dress) So? What do you think? (turns around) Fabulous, right?
Tori: You really need to wear that just to rehearse?
Trina: A performer needs to feel the part to be the part!
Tori: I thought we talked about not tapping my nose anymore.
Trina: (laughs) Okay, we got the comedy stuff down, so let's start with my song.
Andre: And by your song, I'm guessing you mean the song that I wrote.
Trina: No one cares who wrote the song! (laughs) Now, go. (Andre plays first notes) SLOWER!
(Andre is startled)
Trina: (off-key) You don't have to be afraid to put your dreams in action! You'll never gonna fade...
Tori: Trina?
Trina ...you'll be the - WHAT?!
Tori: I-I think Andre was right! You should let him play the song in a faster tempo!
Trina: No, it has to be a power ballad! So, all the important people can hear my range! And vocal clarity!
Tori: But, I just think -
Trina: No, just take it from "When I make it shine."
(Andre continues playing)
Trina: (off-key) When I make it shine! (holds note) Well?
Andre: Do you have any asprin?
(Tori gives a handful of asprin)
Tori's Slap Update: Ditching school - going to Trina's BIG SHOWCASE!!!
Tori: Oh, hi! You're Andre's grandmother?
Charlotte: I don't know you! (hides)
(Trina's screaming in pain in the background)
Lane: (walks down the aisle) Excuse me, you're Trina's parents?
David: Yes.
Mrs. Vega: Why?
Lane: Please come with me.
(The Vega's follow Lane, Charlotte peers out from behind seats)
Nurse Kotter: Just - just keep your mouth open!
Trina: (muffled) That is so not helping!
Lane: Here she is.
Mrs Vega: Trina!
David: What happened?!
Trina: Look at my tounge It's massive!
Tori: Oh, my god, it's huge!
Trina: Somebody do something!
Mr. Vega: Are you the school nurse?
Nurse Kotter: Yeah. Does anybody know how this happened?
Tori: The chinese erb gergle!
Lane: Whoa, whoa! She can't go on stage wearing that!
Tori: Excuse me?!
Cat: You guys, Sikowitz really wants everybody back to class.
Rex: And you really wanted a date to the prom last year, but you didn't get one, did you?
Cat: What's that supposed to mean?!?!
Robbie: Rex!
Cat: Tell your puppet to quit being mean to me!


Jade: uh-oh looks like this dog has bugs in her fur.
Tori: uh woof.
Eli and Cat: ew!
Jade: aw it's okay i read on the internet that coffee works great for getting rid of fur bugs.
Andre: i don't think you wanna Jade.

(Jade pours it on Tori anyways and Tori gets up even though ahe knows she's playing a dog)

Jade: what's the prob dog?
Cat: My name's Cat.
Tori: Like the animal!
Cat: What's that supposed to mean?!
Tori: Nothing! I...I love cats.
Cat: Oh, me too! They're so cute. [walks off]
Tori: my dad is a cop!
lady: get her under the screen to get undressed come on.

(Andre and the others from his band follow)

Lane: just the girls.

(the boys stop while the girls with Tori struggle to get her dress on)

dress manager: here where is she?
Lane: in there put it on.
Sinjin: headset.
Lane: put this on her head.
Tori: that's not my head!
André: This school's not normal.
Tori: Really?
André: You're not normal either. I've seen what you can do on stage. You're special. You're fantastic. You belong at this school. [starts to walk off, then looks at her again] Normal's boring. [Cat shows up]
Cat: It's true!
Tori: That normal's boring?
Cat: No, that no one asked me to the prom.
Tori: Please go take a shower.
Jade: Quit telling me what to do.
Beck: Relax, girls. Let's all try to get along.
Cat: Totally!
Sikowitz: [makes a buzzing noise] Cat, your line had to start with the letter S.
"'Cat: Salami!
Sikowitz: Nope. Too late now.
Cat: Oh, my life's the worst!
Sikowitz: Here's a piece of candy.
Cat: Yay! I love candy! [gets off stage, takes the candy and sits next to Robbie]
Sikowitz: All right. André, letter "S" to you.
André: Uh, something just bit my toe!
Tori: Turtle! That turtle just bit his toe!
Jade: Unbelievable that you're even here.
Beck: Very immature of you to say that.
André: Uh-
Sikowitz: Come on, André! W!
André: What if the turtle bite, broke my toe bone?
Tori: X-rays are the only way to find out.
Jade: You should shut up.
Beck: Zap! I just healed your toe with my magic finger.
André: Thanks.
Sikowitz: [makes a buzzing noise] André, your line had to start with a letter A. Sit down!
André: [gets off stage] Aw, and I just got my toe bone fixed. [sits down]
Sikowitz: Tori, the letter "A" to you.
Tori: Aliens are the only ones that can heal toes by finger zapping.
Jade: By the way, [blows a raspberry at Tori].
(Tori rolls her eyes)
Beck: Correct, I am an alien.
(Tori gasps)
Sikowitz: Ooh, a twist!
Tori: Don't hurt me! Please?
Jade: Even though she's extremely annoying!
Beck: Fainting...'cause I can't breathe...your Earth's air. [falls dramatically on the ground]
Tori: Gosh, it fainted!
Sikowitz: Excellent! Tori and Jade, keep going! The next letter's H!
Jade: Hey why don't you jump off that cliff over there?
Tori: I think you should.
Jade: Just where did you come from?
Tori: Kangaroos.
Jade: Lousy animals, kangaroos. They're awkward and dirty.
Tori: Maybe they've learned from you.
[The class oohs and gasps in astonishment.]
Jade: [shocked] No one talks to me like that.
Tori: Obviously someone should.
Jade: Please run in front of a bus!
Tori: Quite obnoxious of you to say.
Jade: Really?
Tori: Sure was.
Jade: Thanks!
Tori: Up your nose I see boogers.
Jade: Very clever.
Tori: Wish you thought of that?
Jade: X marks the spot I'd like to punch! [points her finger at Tori]
Tori: Your finger smells weird!
Jade: Zero is what you are on a scale from one to ten.
Sikowitz: And back to the letter A!
Tori: As if I care what you think!
Jade: Better watch yourself.
Tori: Can't take it?
Jade: Don't push me!
Tori: Eat your pants!
Jade: You eat your pants! [realizes what she said] Wait!
Sikowitz: [makes a buzzing noise] Sorry, Jade! The next letter was-
Jade: F! I KNOW! [turns angrily at Tori then walks off and sits down]
(Beck begins to wake)
Sikowitz: Keep this thing going!
Tori: Get up alien! [helps Beck up]
Beck: Head feels dizzy.
Tori: I know what will make you feel better.
(Jade raises her eyebrows)
Beck: Jumping jacks?
Tori: Kiss me.
(Jade sits up)
Beck: Let's do it.
[Tori and Beck kiss and the class claps.]
Tori: Man, I love this school!
Sikowitz: Okay, first I'd like to introduce our new student, Tori, and I'd like to thank Tori for her generous gift of two dollars, which she handed me outside this morning. Not necessary, but much appreciated.
André: Why'd you give him two dollars?
Tori: I thought he was homeless.
Jade: Why are you rubbing my boyfriend?
Sikowitz: Jade, kiss your boyfriend on your own time.
Jade: Oh, I will...
Trina: You know, you're actually not terrible. You're really going to quit Hollywood Arts?
Tori: What do you think I should do?
Trina: I think you should come back.
Tori: Why?
Trina: So I won't be known at school as the girl with the lame, little sister who quit on her first day...and I think you were really good in the Big Showcase.
Tori: (Tori smiles) Thanks, Trina.
Trina: But I would have been amazing!
Sikowitz: Tori, you're back. You ever thought about coming in through the window?
Tori: No.
Sikowitz: Think about it.
Trina: See, it's just a high school.
Tori: Uh, this is not just a high school. These kids are all artsy and creative and talented and I'm just... normal.
Trina: It's okay, there's nothing wrong with being average. Anyway, you're not alone. I got your back.
Tori: Okay, though...
Friend: Trina! Eric Paulson got his hair straightened!
Trina: Shut up! Oh my god!
(Trina and her friend walk off speaking unintelligibly.)
Tori: I'm alone!
André: Hey, whatchu doin?
Tori: Calling my mom to tell her I want to go back to my old school.
André: Why?
Tori: Cause I don't like having black coffee in my hair!
André: Then I'll get you some cream and sugar. Everything'll be chill.
André: No, Grandma, listen, there's no way you can drown at my school. Look... look... I gotta... I gotta... I g... I ca... I'll call you later!
Tori: Your grandmother's coming to the Big Showcase?
André: Yeah, it's gonna be the first time she's left the house in six years.
Tori: Why?
André: Cause the woman's afraid of everything. People, umbrellas, rabbis, bikinis, breakfast foods...
Tori: So if she saw a rabbi in a bikini eating pancakes...
André: The woman would burst into flames
André: You go to Hollywood Arts too?
Tori: Oh, no, I'm not a performer. Just my sister.
Trina: Yep. I got the talent and she got the strong teeth. You know she's never had one cavity?
Tori: I try not to brag about it.

The Bird Scene

Cat: rex
Rex: I never hit on you.
Cat: What's THAT supposed to mean?
Robbie: Cause I think you are beautiful.
Cat: You do?
Tori: You'll help me with the Bird Scene, won't you?
Robbie: I'm really not supposed to, and-
Tori: Ow! He bit my hand!
Robbie: Rex!
Rex: Take me to the bathroom, I gotta pee now. [Robbie runs off with him]
Tori: He's a puppet, he can't pee!
Rex: You don't know WHAT I got!
Tori: Cat!
Cat: Hey!
Tori: You have to try something! (pulls out handcuffs)
Cat: Handcuffs?
Tori: Uhuh. Put them on your wrist. Good! Now, we lock the other part here.
Cat: Fuuun!
Tori: K now. Try this.
Cat: (gasps) Oooh! Candy! (eats candy) Mmmm.. This is so ...so hot!! What are these?
Tori: Choo Choo Peppers.
Cat: Ch-Choo. Ugh! They're burning my mouth
Tori: I know.. Want some water?
Cat: Yes!!
Tor: Tell me the secret in the bird scene.
Cat: I cant and I need water!!
Tori: Oh fine here. (leaves and doesn't uncuff Cat)
Cat: (drinks water) Tori! Mmmm.. Water.
Sikowitz: A true artist...need only please himself. [to Tori] Or...herself. [to Robbie and Rex] Or... itself.
Rex: You don't know what I got!
Tori: Ah, uh uh uh uh! I believe in my own choices and I don't need approval from others.
Beck: Ah, the young female has learned the ways of the bird scene.
Jade: I still think it's dull.
Tori: Yeah? Well then maybe I should...make it shine. [presses a button and the locker lights up]
Sikowitz: Drive-by acting exercise! You're all angry Englishmen, GO!
Robbie: Ah! I insist you tell me who sat on me crumpet!
Jade: My grandmummy went to the loo while I snogged the Prime Minister!
André: This flock o' whippoorwills is botherin' my trousers!
Cat: Good Heavens! There's a dead cockroach in my brassiere!
Rex: Blimey!
Beck: I told you not to put plum sauce on me banger
Sikowitz: Happy birthday!
Cat: Whose birthday is it?
Sikowitz: Someone's... somewhere.
Cat: Thats so true...
(Tori finishes the Bird Scene)
Sikowitz: That...was impressive.
Tori: So did I get it right?
Sikowitz Nope.
Tori : But...but I just...I did too get it right!
Sikowitz: Tori, listen...
Tori: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but do you know how hard I worked on this scene? I made this costume, I downloaded special prairie music, I even trained that crazy cockatoo to fly in and out of that window on command! (cockatoo flies in) NOT NOW!!! (flies out again)
Sikowitz: You see the bird, too?
Beck: Yeah.
Sikowitz: Fantastic.

Stage Fighting

Cat: So let's hear your horn!
André: Yeah, play that funky music, white girl.
Tori: You know I'm half Latina.
André: Then hit it, muchacha!
Jade: And now Tori says "what's stage fighting?"
Tori: I was not going to say that! (aside, to Andre) What is it?
Tori: I'm a throat player!
Andre: Doesn't count.
Cat: And it sounds kinda gross...
Cat I wonder if mirrors work in outer space. (pause) Did you know the word "mirror" has only six letters in it, and half of them are r's?
Tori: Oh great, so she gets an A-, and I get a broken eye and a black nose.
André: I think you meant--
Tori: I know what I meant.
Cat: My dog has a black nose. It's so cute, it's like a baby meatball.
André: Meatballs are brown.
Cat: YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! [angrily takes her drink and walks off]
Tori: ...You want half her sandwich?
André: Mm-hmm. [they both take half the sandwich Cat had before she left]
Jade:I can't wait for our fight... scene
Derek: Is that mac and cheese?
Tori: Who cares?!
Derek: Just wanted to know if it was mac and cheese...
Jade: [comes in and looks at Tori. The two stare at eachother for a few seconds] ...I don't get it.
Tori: What?
Jade: I know Andre told you that I faked everything. The blood, the black eye- what is that, mac and cheese?
Derek: Looks like it, right?
Cat: Why'd you hit Jade in the face with a cane?
Tori: I didn't!
Cat: Ok, I believe you! Don't hit me!
Tori: Well, it looked like he was hurting you.
Jade: [suspiciously] Why do you care?
Tori: Because I figured he already suffers enough pain dating you.

The Birthweek Song

(Cat and Robbie come to see Tori)
Cat: Hey, Tori!
Tori: Yeah, hey, hi.
Cat: Whatcha doin'?
Rex: (to Tori) Hey, waddup, girl? You got a numb tongue?
(Tori looks at Rex)
Robbie: (to Rex) Alright, that's a time out, mister!
(Cat and Robbie put Rex inside Robbie's backpack)
Rex: No, no time out! Don't you put me in this backpack! I'm serious, Rob!
Andre: (enters) Hey, what goes on?
Robbie: We're going to get some iced coffee.
Andre: (to Robbie) I thought caffeine makes you vibrate.
Robbie: Sometimes it's nice.
(Robbie needs someone to help him with his Grandmother's computer)
Robbie: Will one of you come with me?
Cat: Sure, I love old people. It's so cute how they shake when they pour their juice.
Robbie: Now, before I take you in there, I should warn you.
Cat: About...?
Robbie: My grandmother, she can be...critical.
Cat: That's okay, I take criticism really well.
Robbie: No, you don't.
Cat: What's that supposed to mean?!?!
Robbie: It's that you don't take criticism very well!
Cat: WHY DON'T YOU JUST KICK ME IN THE FACE?!
Robbie: I'm sorry, I take it back.
Cat: (brightly) Okay.
(Robbie knocks on the door)
Mammaw: I've got a gun!
Robbie: No, Mamaw, it's me, Robbie!
(Mammaw opens the door)
Mammaw: Hi.
Cat: Hi.
Mammaw: Come in. (whipsers to Robbie) is she your girlfriend?
Robbie: No.
Mammaw: Good, you could have better done better.
Mammaw: [of Cat's hair] Why did you do that to your hair?
Cat: What, you mean the color?
Mammaw: Do you hate your mother?
Cat: I love my mother!
Tori: Oh, how about she's the whole reason why I got into Hollywood Arts?
André: Now you're digging.
Tori: Yay, I'm diggy.
Tori: I wrote a song for you! I rehearsed it! With people! I performed it for you!
Trina: ... Yeah, I think you were a little flat on that last chorus. [Tori grabs her by her shirt] Oh! Can't hit your sister during her birthweek.
Mammaw: A girl doesn't dye her hair that color unless she has psychological problems!
Cat: My hair color has nothing to do with my psychological problems!
André: You're gonna have to get her another present.
Tori: I know that!
André: Got a cheese guy...
Tori: I'm NOT giving her cheese! ...Maybe I should just give up and accept the fact that I'm not gonna find anything good and Trina's gonna hate me for the next six months.
André: I can't believe you hit me in the head.
Tori: I can't believe you're not deep enough to appreciate a gift that totally came from my heart!
Trina: A song is not a gift.
Tori: It IS TOO!
Trina: Can I wear a song? No. Can I eat a song? No. Can I flaunt a song and make people jealous, no, you failed.
Trina: CAN I HAVE A COFFEE TOO?
Producers: NO!
Andrè: [to Trina] It's not good. [to himself] So good.
Jade: You people give me a rash.
[Jade leaves table]
Rex: (calling out) ... What kind of rash?
(Andre plays some music on his keyboard, which Tori finds quite catchy)
Tori: That is cool.
André: Now let's work on lyrics.
Tori: Noooo, I don't wanna write lyrics. Play more stuff on your thingy.
Tori: The song was your present!
Trina: How much did it cost?
Tori: It didn't cost money!
Trina: (mockingly) Then it's not a present!
Jade: Hey, Vega! Tori!
Tori: What?
Jade: Try this coffee and tell me what it tastes like. [Hands the cup to Tori]
Tori: Okay. [Drinks the coffee] Hazelnut?
Jade: I don't know, I found it in the garbage.
(Tori does a spit take)
Trina: Are you gonna finish that coffee?
Tori: No, Jade found it in the -- You can have it.
Trina: Thanks. [Trina blows her a kiss and walks away.]
Tori: That's right. Drink the garbage coffee.
Tori: Okay birthweek ideas for Trina. Andre you start us off.
Andre: Cheese.
Tori: Cheese?
Andre:: Let's not do cheese.
Tori:: Robbie?
Robbie: Lotion, or various lotions.
Tori: Cat?
Cat: Well for my last birthday I thought my parent were going to get me a bike, but then I got home and my brother was cutting off his hair and my mom started yelling and...
Tori: Jade?
Jade: What?
Tori: What should I get Trina for her birthweek?
Jade: Talent.

Jade Dumps Beck

(André walks to the table where Beck is sitting)
André: Hey, Beck.
Beck: Hey, André...
André: Congrats, you got a free bottle of water. I put a dollar on the machine and two came out.
Beck: Thanks but I don't drink water from mountain streams.
André: Why not?
Beck: Mountain streams are full of fish.
André: So?
Beck: Fish pee, you are drinking fish pee.
Tori: Hey guys! [runs over to the table with Beck and Andre] Dude, look who's on the Buzzfinger homepage! [shows what's on her PearPhone to Beck]
Beck: Aw, poor Jay Leno.
Tori: What? No, under that! [presses some buttons on her phone and shows it to him again]
Beck: Oh?
Tori: Oh?! That's you and Alyssa Vaughn! Together!
André: No way. [shows it to him too] ...That's Beck and Alyssa Vaughn! Together!
Beck: Why are you guys so impressed?
Tori: Because Alyssa Vaughn is famous!
André: And HOT!
Tori: Her father's a billionare.
André: And HOT! ...I didn't mean her father is... I drank fish pee.
Tori: Explain this!
Beck: She is in my yoga class, some paparazzi showed up and took that pic, but we are just friends
Tori: And how Jade react when she found you were friend with Alyssa Vaughn?
Beck: Jade was cool with it. (Tori made a surprised face) She threw a rock at me.
Tori: Yeah, well I will be careful because I don't think Jade is the type to be OK with-
Jade: Hey, we're not done talking about this.
Beck: I am.
Jade: Well, I'm not.
Beck: Listen, Alyssa Vaughn is just a friend.
Jade: Yeah, a friend who's already sent you six text messages today. [Beck's phone beeps] Seven.
Beck: You don't know that's her.
Jade: Is it?
Beck: [look at his phone and see is Alyssa] What is your favorite tropical fruit?
Jade: The mango, and I don't like your new relationship with Alyssa Vaughn
Beck: It's just a text message
Jade: And what does it say? Maybe Hi, Beck, my dad just got richer and I got prettier let's make out.
Beck: Let me see if I understand.
Jade: Let's see if you do.
Beck: Because you and I date I can't be friend with other girls
Jade: You can be friends with the ugly girls, but not girls who are gorgeous socialites who text message you a 100 times a day
Beck: You know you (sees Tori and calls her) Tori, Tori, can you come here?
Tori: What?
Beck: If you were my girlfriend,
Jade: (interupts him) Great way to start the question.
Beck: Would you be all freaked out that I'm just friends with Alyssa Vaughn?
Jade: Who cares what she thinks?
Tori: Honestly, I wouldn't love it.
Jade: I care what she thinks.
Beck: How can you say that? You don't even-
Tori: You know, I really don't want to be in the middle of this.
Jade: No! You stay right here.
Beck: You don't think a girlfriend should trust her boyfriend?
Tori: No, I do.
Jade: Get out of here, Tori!
Tori: I would love to.
Beck: Stay.
Jade: Alright you know what?!
Beck: Tell me what?
Tori: No, don't tell him what?
Jade: We are done!
Tori: Jade!
Beck: So are you breaking up with me?
Tori: No, no, no, no, no, she is not.
Jade: Yeah, I am.
Tori: Oh yeah, she is.
Beck: You are being ridiculous.
Jade: What do you care I'm not your girlfriend anymore! (goes away)
Tori: Is that Alyssa Vaughn?!
Jade: Yeah, so?
Tori: Nothing! Pfft, she's gross! [holds up a french fry] French fry?
André: Gross? Look at her! Oh, that girl is smoking hot, I'm serious! ...I should shut up.
Jade: (to Tori) Do I have a boyfriend, or don't I?
Sinjin: Do you want one?
Jade: Walk away.
Tori: ... So, if I help you, I get a mean friend and a broken kite?
Jade: Please, just please talk to Beck for me! [cries and places her head on Tori's pillow]
Tori: [long pause, and pats Jade on the hair] Okay! Okay, okay, I'll talk to Beck!
Jade: Do it soon... [lifts her head off the pillow, which has black ink on it] I got a little makeup on your pillow.
Tori: It's okay. I'll just ask my grandmother to make me another one...if she ever comes back to life.
Tori's Slap Status: On a mission...but how did I get to be the LOVE DOCTOR?!?
Tori: Beck said you haven't done one nice thing for him in two years.
Jade: [crying] That is so not true! We've only dated a year and eleven months!
Tori: Well, maybe he'd take you back if you did something nice for him.
Jade: You mean, like, make him fresh lemonade?
Tori: If you want Beck back, you're gonna have to think bigger than beverages.
Jade': Tori told me to get you the dog!
Tori: Dude!
Jade: OK, it was kind of my idea, but I-I didn't know the dog would bug out like that. I just wanted to get you a dog because you've talked about getting one ever since I met you and I thought that maybe-
[Beck silences her with a kiss]
Jade: You love me again.
Beck: Who said I stopped?
Tori: Awwwww...
[Beck and Jade look at Tori]
Tori: I ruined the moment.

Tori the Zombie

Tori: [reading and holding a script] I don't know.
Robbie: [reading and holding a script] Oh come on!
Tori: Why are you in love with me?
Robbie: Because you're beautiful. Look at your face in the moonlight.
Tori: I can't.
Robbie: You can.
Tori: No, a person can't look at their own face. It's impossible.
Robbie: Then marry me and I'll buy you a thousand mirrors.
Tori: But that's so many!
Robbie: My father is a billionaire. I can give you everything you ever wanted. And I'm very good looking.
Tori: Eh.
Robbie: Think.
Director: And lights. Go.
[A spotlight shines on Beck with a script also.]
Tori: [turns to Beck] I don't know.
Beck: It's okay that you don't know.
Tori: But you deserve an answer.
Beck: I can wait. For you, I can wait a thousand years.
Tori: But that's so many!
Jade: [holding a book and texting]
Beck: I know I'm poor. I know that I don't have that much to offer but I do love you.
Tori: [turns away] Because I'm beautiful?
Beck: I don't love you because you're beautiful. [touches Tori's shoulder]
Tori: [turns around]
Beck: You're beautiful because I love you.
Tori: Whoa.
Jade: [rolls her eyes]
[Random disco music starts playing and everyone turns to Sinjin.]
Jade: What up with the disco?!
Sinjin: I'm sorry! I hit the wrong thing!
Jade: NO! FIFTEEN YEARS AGO YOUR MOM GAVE BIRTH TO THE WRONG THING!
Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap: Never send Cat and Trina to do ANYTHING!!! MOOD = Desperate
[Sinjin turns on the disco music]
Jade: WILL YOU KILL THE DISCO?!
Sinjin: NO ONE can kill disco!
[Cat and Trina are in the car, with Tori calling them]
Cat: Oh, punch buggy blue! [punches Trina's arm]
Trina: Dude! [punches Cat's arm]
Cat: Ow! [other car honks]
Trina: [honks] SHUT UP!
Tori: Listen to me. If you two morons aren't back here before the play starts and I have to go on stage looking like a zombie, I'm gonna punch both your buggies! Do you... [Marty shows up near her] I love you too, grandma, thanks for the quilt. [hangs up]
Trina: Quilt? [honks] SHUT UP!
Tori: [very fast] Well did you TELL HIM that I'm starring in a big play tomorrow night that was written by Sofia Michelle and that Sofia Michelle is gonna BE THERE and that I'm supposed to be beautiful and not look like a walking dead person who wants to eat people's BRAINS?!
Tori: [answers the door frustrated] WHAT?! [two Sunshine Girls scream and run off] Wait! I want cookies!
Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap: I just made 2 little girls scream and run away with their cookies. MOOD = Bummed
Cat: Hey, Andre.
André: Whassup, little red?
Cat: What's THAT supposed to mean?!
André: Uh, I dunno. Little red. You're little and you got red hair.
Cat: Oh, that's so creative! Do Tori now.
(Cat and Trina are rapping in the car)
Cat and Trina: You know I FLAUNT ya, 'cause girl I really WANT ya!
Trina: And you lookin' NICE.
Cat: Got me cooler than a bag of ICE.
Both: Now, FREEZE, freeze! ...Now go.
Trina: Drop it fast, then move it real slow.
Both: [they point at each other] Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, WHAT?
Trina: You smell so FRUITY... [Cat says nothing] Sing the next line!
Cat: I can't.
Trina: Why not?
Cat: It's dirty.
Marty: All right, congratulations, everyone. Now before we go, just a couple of-- [the disco music turns on, and Sinjin is looking at them from the control floor]
Sinjin: Don't fight it! [Tori and the rest of the group look with a "whatever" face and start dancing]

Robarazzi

[Cat puts her Snowbee on the table. The rest of the group looks at it for a bit then continues eating]
Cat: ...Don't you guys wanna know what that is?
Jade: Is it a transporter from the future that can beam you to another table, because if it is, what button do I push?
Cat: That's so hurtful! [sits down next to Tori]
Tori: You know, you don't always have to be mean to everyone.
Cat: See? Tori's interested in my device!
Tori: I'm really not...
André: [puts his hand on Cat's shoulder] Aw, c'mon, little red, tell us about your doohicky.
Cat: Okay. It's called...the Snowbee! Watch. [presses a button, causing fake snow to fly all over the gang and their food] Wheee! [puts her hands up. Jade presses a button to shut it off] It makes pretend snow!
André: I see that.
Beck: It's all over my tostada.
Tori: And my pizza.
Cat: Well, do not eat it!
Jade: Why?
Cat: Because, it says the fake snow is toxic and can cause abdominal bleeding.
[Everyone pushes their lunches in the middle of the table]
Robbie: The seniors...the ones who run TheSlap...
Cat: Dot com?
Robbie: No, dot gov. YES, DOT COM!
Robbie: Do you guys think that my blog on TheSlap is boring?
Beck: Hey, look, it's that guy over there!
Cat: It IS that guy!
André: Wait up, guy! [everyone walks out from the table except Tori and Robbie]
Jade: There is no guy.
(Jade, Beck, Tori and Andre have just finished watching Robberazzi)
Tori: He's a dead man!
Jade: Beck and I aren't splitting up!
Beck: Well...
Jade: Dude!
Beck: Kidding!
Andre: I use an appropriate amount of ketchup!
Tori: Let's go face this right now! (they all walk out, leaving Cat reading her catalog) Cat, are you coming?
Cat: Oh, my god! Underwear that floats!
Beck: Um, do you think maybe you're buying...you know, too many things from Sky Store?
Cat: No! [starts to walk away but turns back] ...Oh, hey, can I borrow some money for lunch?
Beck: Uh, yeah. How much? [takes out his wallet]
Cat: 49.95 plus shipping. [Beck looks at her confused]
[on Robarazzi, Cat is with a mailman]
Cat: No! There were supposed to be two packages!
Mailman: I only got one.
Cat: It was supposed to get here on-- [notices someone is shooting her] Hey, why are you shooting this?! Who are you with?
Recorder: Robarazzi.
Cat: [frustrated] Ugh! [drops the package on the floor and walks off. Then it goes to the people in Robbie's office, where he is writing "Cat: Sky Store" on his board]
Robarazzis: Girl's got a problem. No doubt.
Robbie: And uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PROBABLY NOT her natural hair color.
Jade: Beck and I...are NOT splitsville!
Beck: Well...
Jade: Is there something you want to talk about?!
Beck: Kidding!
Tori: Oh, and uh, don't eat the snow unless you wanna bleed internally. [pats him on the back]
Robbie: Okay... [she walks off] She's so cute...
Rex: Girl like that wants a man, not a boy.
Robbie: I'll get there!
[Cat uses a device that turns Beck's pizza into juice]
Beck: ...You juiced my pizza.
Cat: Why chew what you can drink?
Tori: [when Jade calls her on her phone] Who are you, and why is your number blocked?
Robbie: Unbelievable! You guys have no idea how upset I am about...it snowed? In Los Angeles?!
Rex: I told you Global Warming was bogus!
Robbie: Stop watching Fox News!
Rex: No! It's fair and balanced.
[on Robarazzi, Beck and Jade are in Beck's car at night]
Beck: Come on! Let's just go, it'll be fun.
Jade: No...
Beck: Why not?
Jade: 'Cause, I didn't shower this morning and I had tuna fish for lunch, and I-- [stops and looks behind her to see the recorder] There's a dude in the back seat! [the recorder starts to flee from them]
Beck: What the-hey man, what are you doing?! This is MY car! Are you out of your mind?!
Jade: [at the same time] Get out! What's wrong with you?! Yeah, you better run! I'm gonna kill you! Can you believe- [Tori shuts her laptop]
Cat: Hey Sinjin.
Sinjin: Yeah?
Cat: Do you have a girlfriend?
Sinjin: No.
Cat: You have a credit card?
Sinjin: Yeah...
Cat: [puts her hand on Sinjin's arm] Why don't you call me sometime?
Sinjin: Really?
Cat: Mm-hmm.
Sinjin: Okay. I'll go buy a phone!
(Sinjin runs off, Cat sits on the steps and pulls out a Sky Store catalog)
Cat: Oh, my god! A litter box that plays classical music!

Survival of the Hottest

[at the beginning of the episode]
Tori: Oh, my god! [she fans herself with her hand] I am so...hot!
Rex: Ain't that the truth.
Jade: Sweating is gross, so I don't do it.
Cat: Is it true that sweat and pee are, like, "cousins"?
André:...What now?
Beck: Man, how long's this heat wave gonna last?
Tori: They say until Tuesday.
Cat: Why would they say that?!
Tori: Hey...hey! Sinjin! He's face down in the kiddie pool!
Jade: ...Yep.
André: (checks his phone) It's cool; he's still got two minutes left. (Tori and Robbie hurry over to the kiddie pool)
Tori: (turns Sinjinn over) Are you okay?! (he gargles)
Robbie: Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth? (Sinjin gargles again)
Tori: ...Nah, he's alright. (she flees)
Cat: (running out of trailer) Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee!!!
Beck: Hurry back!
Cat: (in the distance) Kay-kay!
Jade: She has the bladder of a squirrel.
(Tori and the gang are preparing their beach stuff)
Andre: Alright. It's starting to get hot in here.
Tori: Yeah! Let's go.
Robbie: Let's hit that beach!
Beck: That's right, people. (Beck pushes the door, but it won't open)
Jade: What's wrong?
Beck: I don't know. The door won't open. (Beck pushes the door again, but it won't open. The scene cuts outside. It turns out that a giant RV is parked right next to theirs.)
Tori: (while trapped) WHERE IS CAT?
Robbie: She's been gone for over 20 minutes!
Andre: The girl only weighs 90 pounds. How much pee can she hold?
Tori: [to Jade] Does it worry you that you never sweat?
Jade: No.
Tori: Well, what if, one day, all your sweat like, builds up inside, and you just explode?
Jade: ...I would love that.
Trina: That's it, i'm calling her. What's Cat's number?
Jade: I already tried.
Beck: No signal.
Andre: Oh man, I told y'all not to get F-Mobile!
Tori: Well, where's your phone?
Andre: I left it in my pants, and my grandma washed it. All my contacts, GONE!
(Beck is still trying to push the door)
Jade: Just open it!
Beck: Something's blocking the door. (Tori looks through the window)
Tori: Oh, man. Some idiot parked a huge RV right next to us!
Trina: Whatever. Let's just go out the back door.
Beck: There is no back door.
Trina: Well, that's stupid.
Andre: I'm getting very hot now.
Robbie: Would somebody open the window?
Jade: The windows are bulletproof. They don't open.
Rex: Oh, thanks a lot, Fat Biscuit!
Jade: What?!
Rex: I meant the rapper from whom Beck's daddy purchased this vehicle!
Andre: I'm getting hotter.
Tori: Just push on the door.
Beck: I can't push a 7000-pound RV out of the way.
Tori: Then push harder! (they started to argue)
Andre: ALL RIGHT! Let's not bug out! (the argument stops)
Tori: Dude, no one knows we're trapped in this toaster oven!
Andre: Cat just went to the bathroom. She's gonna be back in a few minutes, then she can start back strop and then pull us forward so we can get out.
Rex: Good point.
Jade: Okay. (they sit in the sofa to wait for Cat)
(the gang start to use Tori's very small fan)
Jade: At least it oscillates.
Andre: Um. I'm still not happy.
Trina: I'm so hot.
Robbie: Where could Cat be?
Tori: I hope she's okay.
(the gang are still using Tori's little fan)
Andre: (the fan starts to slow down) Uh uh. Uh uh.
Tori: It's slowing down! (the fan stops and everyone groans)
Robbie: NOOOO!!!!!! (Robbie gets the fan and starts spinning it) Come on, fan! Work!
Beck: Robbie!
Robbie: Work!
Beck: Robbie!
Robbie: Spin!
Beck: Stop!
Robbie: You can come work!
Beck: Robbie! Robbie! Stop it!
Robbie: No! I NEED IT! I NEED IT!
Beck: THE BATTERIES ARE DEAD! Robbie, stop!
Robbie: Oscillate! Spin!
Beck: (shakes Robbie) IT'S OVER!!!!! (Robbie gets up, yelling indistinctly and then buries his head in the pillow while screaming)
Andre: I'M EXTREMELY HOT NOW!!!!!!!!!
Trina: We got to get out of this stupid RV! (Beck looks at her) Yeah, offense!
Tori: Well, at least. We have to find something to drink!
Cat: (being sprayed by water guns) It's so cold! It's so cold!
(scene cuts to the RV, where Tori is on the floor and raises her head)
Tori: IT'S SO HOT!!!!!
Boy: You spun a beautiful pot.
Cat: You helped me spin it.
Boy: (suggestively) Later we'll glaze it.
Cat: ...Thank you.
Trina: For so many years I prayed every night to be hotter. (pauses) ...THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!!!!!!!
Tori: YOU HAD WATER...THIS ENTIRE TIME...and you didn't share it with the rest of us?!?!
Trina: If I shared it, I wouldn't have had as much for me!
Jade: (sweating) Okay. Okay. Something's dripping on me. Something's dripping on me.
Beck: (goes to Jade) Not-not-nothing's dripping.
Jade: Yes! Look on my arm. See? (holds her forehead) And on my forehead. What's going on?! What's happening?!
Beck: You're sweating.
Jade: NO! No, I'm not. I don't sweat! I'm not sweating!
Beck: Okay.
Jade: NO! (Beck holds her arms)
Beck: Look at me!
Jade: NO!
Beck: LOOK AT ME!
Jade: WHAT?
Beck: You're sweating. (Jade squeals and falls on the floor)
Jade: WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!
Tori: Yeah. Thank you, Catherine Obvious!
Trina: ...What?
Tori: I said thank you, Catherine Obvious!
Robbie: Did she say "Catherine" Obvious?
Andre: It's Captain Obvious.
Tori: What?
Jade: The expression is "Thank You, Captain Obvious".
Tori: It's not Catherine?
Trina: No.
Beck: Who would Catherine be?
Tori: Catherine could be a captain.
Robbie: These fish mock me.
Trina: How dare they swim around, enjoying that filthy water.
Robbie: I'm gonna drink that filthy water. [the others try to talk him out of it] WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?!?!?!?!
Beck: It's his call.
[Robbie dips his head into the fish tank and gulps some water. After a few seconds, he takes his glasses out of the fish tank.]
Andre: Well?
[Robbie grabs Trina's bag and vomits in it, as she pokes at him.]
Trina: That's my bag!
Robbie: [after he is done vomiting] ...Don't drink the fish water. [throws bag at Trina]
Robbie: Well, can we at least turn on the air conditioning?
Beck: The AC doesn't work unless the truck is running.
Trina: Then go start the truck!
Beck: I can't get out!
Trina: Ohhhhh, why did you invite me here?!?!
Tori: We didn't!
Robbie: You invited yourself!
Jade: NO ONE LIKES YOU!
Andre: I'm feeling very hot now!!!!
Robbie: (looks at the thermometer) Guys! It's 102° in here! (everyone groans)
Tori: I need a cold drink.
Beck: (stands up) Me too.
Tori: Where are they?
Beck: In the truck.
Trina: What are we gonna do?
Tori: CCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (everybody joins Tori) CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT!!!!!!
André: [on the ground] Okay...it's official. I have achieved maximum hot-itude!
[after everyone is free from the RV and happily reunites with Cat]
Cat: Wow, you guys really miss me! ...Ew, Jade, you're all sweaty.
Jade: NEVER SPEAK OF IT!!!
Black man: Hey, Fat Biscuit.
Fat Biscuit: What's up?
Black man: Isn't this your old RV? With the bullet-proof windows. (points at Beck's RV)
Fat Biscuit: Yeah! I think it is.
Black man: We had some times in that thing.
Fat Biscuit: (laughs) ...Don't talk about it. (the three walk off, and the episode ends)

Wi-Fi in the Sky

Trina: Is this chicken?
Tori: I think it might be a pinapple... or a part of a thumb.
Trina: Ugh. I can't eat airplane food. Too gross.
Tori: And, why is this now on my tray table?
Trina: Cause I'm done with it.
Tori: I don't care if you're done with it, put your garbage on-
Trina: (after being kicked by the Little Boy) Some people are so rude!
Tori: (holds up a crumpled tissue paper) I KNOW!
Trina: What teacher?
Tori: Gradstein.
Trina: Ooooh, he's tough.
Tori: No chiz.
Trina: What is chiz, anyway?
Tori: Andre thinks it's a German sausage.
Tori: Does this plane have Wi-Fi?
Flight Attendant: No. But, we do have wireless internet service.
Tori: That's what Wi-Fi is.
Flight Attendant: Please don't give me attitude.
Trina: What are you doing?
Tori: Checking if Andre's on, maybe we can video chat.
Trina: (boy kicks her seat) Cut it out.
Tori: Oh good, Andre's online.
Trina: (standing up to open a window) I need some air.
Tori: You have a pimple on your armpit.
André: Tori, what's up?
Tori: Hey, I'm on the plane!
André: You're on the plane? Well if I were you, I'd get in the plane! (silence) So you're on the plane.
Tori: And I'm not gonna land until after 11.
Flight Attendant: Your dessert. (hands them dessert)
Trina: What is this?
Flight Attendant: I dunno. Pudding?
Trina: Aww, it's got fur on it!
Tori: Just like your pimple...
Trina: Hey are you gonna eat your pudding?
Tori: You ate yours?!
Trina: Yeah, I just scraped the fur right off the top, it wasn't bad.
Tori: Go nuts.
(video chat with Cat starts)
Cat: Hi!
Andre: What's up, little red?
Tori: Hey, Cat.
Charlotte: (background) Andre!
Andre: What's wrong, Grandma?
Charlotte: The numbers on my clock changed again!
Andre: It's a clock, Grandma. The numbers are supposed to change.
Charlotte: What happened to my butter?
Andre: I'll go to the store tomorrow and get you some more butter.
(Charlotte runs off, screams, then smashes something)
Cat: What was that?
Andre: My grandmother just screamed.
Tori: Why? What happened?
Andre: I dunno, I think she saw herself in the mirror.
Charlotte: (in the background) Andre, there's another ME on the wall!!
Andre: It's okay, Grandma. Just introduce yourself. I'm sure she's nice.
Andre: You live next door to a cheerleader?
Beck: I do.
Andre: Figures! I live next door to a one-legged old man who throws lemons at me.
(Video chat with Beck stars)
Beck: You requested my face?
Andre: Hey, man.
Tori: Hi!
Cat: Hey, Beck.
Tori: Is that a dog with you?
Cat: Aw, look at the puppy.
Tori: Cat, what are you doing?
Cat: I clicked on Rainbow (clicked on rainbow setting) Woooo!
Tori: Will you please stop that?
Andre: We gotta do this project.
Cat: Sorry.
Tori: Now, where were we?
Jade: Why do you have that animal?
Beck: It's my neighbor's dog.
André: His neighbor...the cheerleader.
Jade: Cheerleader?
Beck: Why? Why would you say that?
André: Sorry...
Cat: Do you know what cheerleaders have? ...Pep
Tori: Pep?
Beck: Did she say pep?
Trina: What Happened?
Tori:(clearly annoyed) I made Cat cry and she signed off.
Trina: Well you gottta be careful with other peoples feelings.
(the kid kicks Trina's seat again and she scolds him)
Trina:(at the top of her rage) STOP KICKING MY SEAT YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE NUB!!!
'Child: Shut up, old lady.
(Trina is too shocked by his words, takes her anger at his dad while Andre and Beck are laughing online)
Trina: Aren't you gonna let your kid talk to me that way?
Child's Dad: I got to take a wazz. (he heads to the lavatory)
Trina: Enjoy your WAZZ!!!!!
Trina: Move back.
Tori: Where're you going?
Trina: The tanning salon. Where do you think I'm going? I gotta take a wazz.
Tori: [Knowing] The nub's dad is in the bathroom.
Trina: I'm not going back there, I'm gonna go pee in the First Class lavatory.
Tori: You're not allowed to.
Trina: Yeah-Yeah move.
[Beck and Andre sees Trina's butt]
Beck: Uh.
Andre: Whoa, what was that?
Tori: That was Trina's butt.
Andre: [Shivering with Beck] That was horrible.
Little Kid: [Truthfully] Your sister's a freak.
Tori: Yeah, I know.
Little Kid: [Wrong idea] But she's kinda hot.
[Beck and Andre are confused]
Tori: [Apalled] Did you just call my sister "Hot?"
Little Kid: Yep. But you're hotter.
[Tori is apalled and pushes the Little Kid back in his seat]
André: [Jokingly] So, who's your new boyfriend there?
Tori: Not cute, André.
[Jade bangs 4 times on the door]
André: What's that noise?
Jade: Open the door!! [3 more bangs]
Tori: Is that Jade?
Beck: [Truthfully] Yeah. [Out loud] I'm busy working on a project!
Jade: [6 more bangs] I need to talk to you! [2 more bangs]
Beck: [Being obvious] Sorry. Door's locked. [Jade breaks the door in] Now it's not locked.
Tori: She has a key?
Beck: No, she has a foot.
Jade: What is going on?
Beck: You just kicked my door open.
Jade: Put the dog down, and tell me about this cheerleader chick who lives next door.
Beck: I'm not gonna put the dog down.
Jade: Oh, aren't you?
Beck: If you wanna meet the cheerleader, she'll be back any minute to pick up her dog.
Jade: Then I'll wait for her.
Beck: Whatever you want.
Tori: Oh, now who?
André: Somebody wants to join our chat.
Beck: Probably Robbie again.
Tori: [Disgusted] Uhh.
André: What's the screen name?
Tori: MrSkinnyJeans.
André: Oh [Knowlingly] That's Sinjin.
Sinjin: Hey, guys. I see you're video chatting.
Tori: Whatcha need? 'Cause we're really kinda busy.
Sinjin: [Surprised] Are you on a plane?
Tori: Yeah, I'm on a plane.
Sinjin: And they have Wi-Fi?
Tori: No, Sinjin, I have the world's longest internet cable hanging out the window.
Sinjin: Nuh-Uh. Airplane windows don't open.
Jade: Hey, wait a minute, [The background looks familiar] Sinjin?
Sinjin: [Sees his crush] Hi, Jade.
Jade: Where did you get that lamp?
Sinjin: [Being a little obvious] Um, at the lamp store.
Jade: It looks exactly like the lamp I have in my den at home.
Sinjin: Oh. Weird.
Jade: Are you in my house?!?! [Tori zooms in closely on the background and Sinjin runs off like a chicken] Take your computer with you!
Sinjin: Please don't tell my mother.
Cat: What did the young shrimp say when his mother asked why he wouldn't share any of his toys?
Tori: What?
Cat: Sorry, I'm a little shellfish! [laughing] Get it? 'Cause shrimp are very self-centered.
Tori: I think the joke is that 'shellfish' rhymes with 'selfish'.
Cat: Oh my god, that's even funnier! [laughing again]
Cat: (after clicking on cherry pie setting) I'm pie girl! (Laughs) But don't bite off my nose! (Laughs again)
Tori: Cat, we have a ten-page script due tomorrow morning, and we're on page three, and you're not helping at all. Now will you please stop acting like a child?!
(Cat begins to cry)
Beck: There she goes.
Charlotte: Andre! Stop talking to yourself!
(She, at this point walks in holding a baseball bat.)
Andre: Grandma, I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to Tori and Beck.
Charlotte: That's a lie. They're not here!
Andre: I know that. I'm talkin' to them online. See?
Tori: Hi, Mrs. Harris.
Beck: How you doing?
Charlotte: I don't understand this!
Andre: Grandma!
(Charlotte screams and punches Andre's webcam.)
Andre: Aw, Grandma! Just go sit down on your couch!
Tori: It's just me, Mrs. Harris.
Charlotte: LEAVE ME ALONE! (Punches the webcam again before it goes out)

Beck's Big Break

Tori: Hey, hey! Look what I got!
Andre: A piccolo?
Tori: It's my new instrument.
Cat: I thought you were learing to play the fr-
Tori: It didn't work out!!!
(Festus gives Tori the turkey sandwich she asked for)
Tori: I thought you said you only had burritos?
Festus: What are you, a lawyer?
Andrè: What's shakin, bacon?
Tori: Oh, they don't have bacon.
Chef: Just burritos!
Tori: ...Was my piccolo playing that bad?
Cat: Yeah... (she rubs Tori's hair)
Tori: I say we celebrate...piccolo style. (starts to play, but Beck silences her)
Beck: No, no... (takes the piccolo from Tori's hand)
Tori: What did you do to my pants?!
Sikowitz: Good! Now, terrified!
Tori: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PANTS?!?!
Sikowitz: Falling off a cliff!
Tori: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS?!?!
Sikowitz: Excellent. Now, as you can see, the same dialogue can evoke an infinite number of emotions, depending upon how the actor chooses to play it. Like a robot.
Tori: (imitating a robot) What...Did You Do...To My Pants...
Sikowitz: Wrong! Robots don't wear pants...it was a trick.
Officer: What's your name?
Tori: Oh! I'm...uh...i'm... (sees a water jug that reads "Crystal Waters") Crystal Waters. It's okay, I'm on the movie.
Officer: Crystal Waters? I don't remember seeing the name Crystal Waters-
Cat: (runs out from the back) I CAN'T FIND MY MOTHER! (grabs the officer by the shirt) HELP ME FIND MY MOTHER, PLEASE! MOMMMMMMMM! MOMMMMMMMMMMMM-
Officer: Shut up; we'll find your mama! (he and Cat walk off. Cat winks to Tori)
(Sinjin slaps a bee on Andrè's shoulder)
André: Ow! What was that for?
Sinjin: There was a bee on your shoulder.
André: And you killed it before it could sting me?! Thanks a lot, man.
Sinjin: What did I do?
André: No, just go on. Get out of here!
André: Did you meet Melinda Murray?
Beck: No.
André: I bet SHE'S been stung by a bee...
Beck: You can ask her yourself.
Jade: (upon seeing Tori and Beck hugging) ONE...TWO...don't make me get to three! (Beck unhugs from Tori) Better!

The Great Ping-Pong Scam

Cat: Oh, you have Mexican flavored gum?
Tori: Mexican's not a flavor!
Sinjin: Thank you.
Tori's Newest Status on TheSlap: Jade's dress feels...warm. MOOD = Jaded
(Tori kisses Sinjin on his cheek as her thanks for agreeing to help her)
Sinjin: Here comes that feeling.
Tori: (pokes her head back in) I heard that!
Jade: Read the phone, Tori! Read the phone!
Tori: Don't you steal my phone in face bit!
Tori: (after the long flashback) So, you guys formed a fake ping pong team so you could get some money, buy a trophy for the school, save the principal's job, and take Sikowitz out for a big fancy dinner?
Andre: [pause] Yeah, I guess we could've just told it that way.
Tori: YES, I'm wearing a ping pong jacket!
André: How could you not think to bring a fancy dress?
Tori: I don't know. I just didn't, okay?
Beck: You said you reminded everyone to bring nice clothes.
Jade: I did.
Tori: You didn't remind me!
Jade: (sarcastically) Whoops!

Cat's New Boyfriend

Jade: So, who's that?
Tori: Um, this is Danny.
Daniel: Hey.
Beck: S'up.
Jade: Why are you talking to Tori?
Tori: He goes to my old school.
Daniel: Sherwood.
Tori: He...was my boyfriend.
Daniel: Girlfriend.
Jade: So, why'd you dump her?
Beck: Jade...
Jade: Can I guess? Because I got a lotta guesses.
Daniel: Well, actually...
Tori: You don't have to...
Daniel: Tori broke up with me.
Jade: Oh. And how did you celebrate?
Tori: Do you ever take a day off? (Jade smiles)
Beck: So, whatcha doin' here?
Tori: Yeah, what are you doing here?
Daniel: Well, I've kinda been dating this girl that goes here, and I, uh, was supposed to meet her-
Cat:(screams and runs in) Daniel!!! (she runs into his arms and they kiss) This is the guy I've been telling you about! My boyfriend!
Tori: (rolls eyes) Oh...
Cat: Daniel, these are my friends. Beck, Jade, and that's Tori.
Tori: Yeah, we...we've met.
Cat: Really? You know Daniel?
Jade: Oh, she knows Daniel.
Tori: So...
Daniel: So...
Jade: (evil smile) So...
Cat: How come everyone's being all weird?
Jade: I'll tell her!
Beck: No, you won't.
Tori: Cat, I used to go to Sherwood, with Danny, before I came to school here.
Cat: Oh, so you guys were friends?
Jade: Yeah, they were good friends.
Cat: Uh, I'm confused.
Tori: Danny and I used to date. (Cat gasps)
Beck: (to Jade) Why don't we walk over to some other location?
Cat: Ok, wait, so like you and Tori were like...
Daniel: Girlfriend.
Tori: Boyfriend.
Cat: So...
Daniel: Please don't feel weird about this.
Tori: You really shouldn't. We broke up a year ago.
Daniel: Yeah, a year.
Tori: It's only been eleven months.
Daniel: What difference does it make?
Tori: Forget it! The point is, I'm totally cool with you guys dating.
Daniel: And I'm totally cool that you two are friends.
Cat: Well, ok then. It's all happy!
Tori: Ok.
Jade: I'm bored now. [walks away]
Beck: I apologize for...her. [walks away also]
Trina: Fifty bucks.
Robbie: Seems expensive.
Trina: You want gross, crunchy feet? 'Cause girls don't dig that! (he reluctantly gives her the money)
Sikowitz: Hello, girls! Can you believe I scored tickets to Hall and Oates?
Jade: (while Cat and Daniel are dancing) Daniel ever spin you like that?
Tori: You wanna get slapped with a sausage?
Jade: Sure.
Tori: No!
Sikowitz: You see? This is what happens when you mix teenagers and hot cheese. (to Lane) I warned you.
(Beck and Jade look for Tori in the Black Box Theatre)
Beck: Tori! Yo, Tori!
Jade: We saw you run in here!
Beck: What's with all that stuff?
Jade: Sinjin and his friends are putting on a play about a camping trip gone wrong.
Beck: Gone wrong?
Jade: They end up eating each other, I don't know!
Beck: Tori! Tori! Yo, Tori!
(Jade throws a broom at the tent on the stage)
Tori: (from inside the tent) Ow!!!
Jade: Tori! Come out to play!
Tori: Leave me alone.
Beck: Ok, Tori, what up with the hot cheese attack on Cat?
Jade: And her boyfriend, Daniel.
(after Cat sees Tori kissing Daniel and leaves)
Robbie: Hey! Do either of you guys know what kind of meat Sikowitz uses in this sausage? I asked him and he just started laughing like, (he laughs like a maniac; Tori runs off) Bye!
Tori: Okay. I have left her five voice mails and sent her twelve text messages. Why won't Cat talk to me?!?
André: 'Cause you squirted hot cheese in her ear!
Robbie: And played smushy face with her boyfriend.
Jade: Those things upset some girls.
Trina: (to Tori) You wanna try the pooka fish?
Tori: You got rice and soy sauce?
Trina: No.
Tori: Then no!
Cat: Let me out!
Tori: Cat!
Cat: This is kidnapping! ...Or cat-napping! (laughs)
Tori: I swear, Cat, if I were you, i'd just punch me right in the face. (which she does) OWWWWWW! Cat!
Cat: What?
Tori: You just punched me in the face!
Cat: (innocently) You said to.
Tori: I know, but that's just something people say wh-OWWWWWWW!
Tori: Is it broken?
Hospital lady: I don't think so. (feels nose) Just bruised...how'd this happen?
Tori: I uh, fell.
Hospital lady: On what?
Tori: Something hard.
Cat: Like a rock.
Hospital lady: We should get you X-Rayed, take a seat over there.

Freak the Freak Out

Trina: (about Mark) HE is ridiculously hot! Everybody says he's an awesome kisser!
David: Make sure he knows...(into the phone, to Mark) I'm a cop.
(Tori's phone goes off in the middle of class)
Sikowitz: Tori...
Tori: I swear, I thought I had it on vibrate...
Sikowitz: Class is no place for swearing or vibrating!
Cat: Thanks a lot, Tori.
Cat: I get nervous when my brother eats things that aren't food. ...Seriously, I think he ate my charm bracelet.
Tori: Oh, I wish I could go to Karaoke Dokie!
Beck: Why can't you?
Jade: Who cares why she can't?
Beck: I was just wondering why she-
Jade: What, you need Tori around to have a good time, is that your point?
Beck: Dude!
Jade: WHAT?
Sikowitz: JADE! (turns to her) You're lucky to HAVE Beck. Don't be such a GANK! (Tori smirks)
Cat: So, why can't you come?
Tori: Oh, Trina's getting her dumb wisdom teeth out today and guess who gets to spend the entire weekend taking care of her?
Cat: Okay, um...is it someone famous?
Tori: No! ME!
Andre: Why can't your parents take care of her?
Tori: 'Cause they're gonna be in Santa Barbara.
Andre: What for?
Tori: So they don't have to take care of Trina!
Beck: Can't blame 'em.
Jade: Shucks to be you.
Tori: Gank.
(Cat and Jade approach Hayley and Tara)
Hayley: Oh, it's you two. I thought I smelled failure.
Cat: Then you must have been sniffing yourselves! (to Jade) Pretty good, huh?
Jade: For you.
André: Hey, look what they got on the menu! Buffalo nuggets! Well that's good news... (laughs) Not for the buffalo...
Hayley: So...Hollywood Arts...you girls gonna sing tonight?
Jade: Well, we didn't come for the buffalo nuggets.
Beck: But we are gonna get some, right?
Jade: I'm gonna get a soda. (starts to walk away with her cup)
André: Get me one?
Jade: No.
André: She can be a gank.
Beck: You have no idea.
Cat: I like Japan. 'Cept my brother got stabbed there once. It was an accident. He's better now. Are buffalo nuggets spicy?
(Hayley and Tara walk onstage, about to sing)
Hayley: Enjoy us!
Jade: (waves her purse at them) Enjoy my monkey fur!
Jade: YEAH! We're clapping because it's over!
Hayley: HEY! We won...'cause WE rock.
Cat: Yeah, don't believe everything your daddy says!
Jade: Like when he tells you you're pretty! (Hayley gasps)
Robbie: YEAH!
Rex: Testify!
Hayley: Okay, that's it! You guys are banned from singing here ever again!
Jade: Yeah, like we care!
Beck: Come on, let's get out of here.
André: Let's bail!
Waitress: (comes out from behind) Okay, I have your nachos...your sliders...and the buffalo nuggets. (puts them on their table seperately, then walks off)
André: I say we get out of here...RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS FOOD! (the group sits back at the table) Pass the ranch dressing!
Jade: Here!
Cat: KETCHUP!
Beck: Coming at'cha!
Cat: Hi.
Jade: Hello.
Cat: We brought you frozen yogurt.
Tori: Why? You know, frozen yogurt doesn't solve all the world's problems!
Jade: I told you to bring donuts!
Tori: So what's up?
Jade: Last night, when we went to Karaoke Dokie.
Cat: These two girls were really mean to us.
Tori: Like... "Jade-level" mean?
Cat: No, no, that mean, but really mean.
Jade: And they cheated.
Cat: So cheated.
Jade: And they were totally trashing Hollywood Arts.
Tori: Really?
Cat: What's on your arm?
Tori: Trina's mouth blood.
Cat: Ewwwww!
Jade: Cool.
Beck: Who texted?
Andre: Tori.
Beck: What'd she say?
Andre: "Need you, Beck and Robbie to...take care of Trina 'till midnight."
Beck: Gross, no.
Robbie: I'm not spending my Saturday night here with Trina!
Trina: SOMEBODY has to stay with me!
Robbie: Ow, you're biting, you're biting! Ohhhh-
Beck: Come on, we're leaving. (his phone rings)
Andre: Who texted you?
Beck: Jade.
Andre: What'd she say?
Beck: "Hey, babe, you can't leave Tori's house; I took your car keys." (throws his phone annoyed)
Robbie: (takes his fingers out of Trina's mouth) Ew. Gum blood! (rubs it on her hair)
(Cat makes a weird face at Hayley and Tara)
Jade: Don't make that face.
Andre: How could you leave us to take care of that monster?
(Trina moans, offended)
Andre: Yeah, I said monster!
(David enters the house with his suitcase, sees Trina fighting with Hayley and Tara and watches them for a moment)
David: (to Holly who is outside) Honey, get back in the car!

Rex Dies

Tori: [pretending to eat] How's your eggplant?
Beck: [pretending to eat also] It's fine. How's your spaghetti?
Tori: [stops eating and gets mad] I hate you!
Beck: Why?
Tori: I'm not having spaghetti! I'm having spaghettini!
Beck: What's the difference?
Tori': Spagettini is a very thin noodle, spaghetti is a relatively fat noodle. We've been over this!
Beck: I forgot.
Tori: I mean, why did we even take a pasta class together?
Sikowitz: And...done!
Beck: We're done?
Tori: But we still have a few more lines.
Sikowitz: No, I meant this is done. (holds up jar)
Andre: What is that?
Sikowitz: Well, it was a jar of cream, but now that I've shaken it vigorously for an hour, it's butter.
Jade: You make your own butter?
Sikowitz: Indeed.
Robbie: Is it good?
Sikowitz: I don't know, I refuse to eat dairy. Tori, Beck, take your seats!
Beck: (to Tori) If he doesn't eat dairy, why would he -
Tori: (holds up hands) I don't know. I don't care.
Sikowitz:: Alright, for the last few minutes of class, let's talk about the one act play I'm directing.
(everyone stares and waits for him to continue)
Andre: Well?
Sikowitz: Well, what?
Andre: You wanna talk about the one act play you're directing?
Sikowitz:: (in a "you talked me into it" tone) All right...First of all, I want to thank you all for auditioning. The two lead roles will be played by...(everyone leans forward, Cat gasps) Andre and Robbie!
Andre: Cool!
Robbie: Hot beef!
Rex: Aw, would anyone else like to be my guardian?
Cat: Did any of the rest of us get parts?
Sikowitz: Aw, is a certain little redhead hoping she got a role in teacher's play?
Cat: (giggles) She is!
Sikowitz: Well, she didn't. But, I do need some help with the backstage crew. Jade, Cat, I want you girls on lighting.
Jade: Lighting?
Sikowitz: Yes, you pronounced it perfectly. Tori, I want you to work with Sinjin's team on special effects.
Tori: Okay, but I know like nothing about special effects.
Sinjin: We'll teach you. (they leer at Tori)
Tori: (somewhat disgusted)...Lookin' forward to it.
Cat: So...I heard you went out with Jessica Wolf last night...
Robbie: Oh yes...I did.
Andre: So, how'd it-
Trina: (walking by) Hi, Tori, Tori's friends.
Andre: So, your date with Jessica.
Robbie: AWE-some!
Tori: Uh, not according to her last update on TheSlap.
Robbie: What'd she write?
Tori: It was kinda mean.
Andre: Read it! (Cat laughs)
Tori: "Last night: Worst date ever."
Robbie: Oh. Well, um, maybe she went out with some other guy after she went out with me, and then she wrote that about the other guy.
Tori: "Dude brought a puppet."
Rex: A puppet?
Robbie: Oh, she was talking about me.
Trina: Do me a flavor, put this credit card back in Mom's purse? (gives it to Tori)
Tori: (puts it in her back pocket) Why do I have to put this credit card back in-oh...
Cat: I love that they call this a catwalk.
(Jade looks at her)
Cat: Because my name is Cat, and look! I'm walking! [starts walking] Walkin' on the catwalk.
Jade: If someone was pushed off this catwalk and landed on the floor really hard, do you think they'd live?
Cat: Why are you asking that?
Jade: No reason.
(Cat gasps and runs out)
Sikowitz: Alright everyone, we have 20 minutes before our play begins! WHERE is my coconut milk? (drinks it)
Beck: ...You're drinking it!
Sikowitz: So am I.
Tori's Newest Status on TheSlap: At the hospital with a sick friend. Well, not really a "friend"...more like a...uh, nevermind. FEELING Conflicted
(Rex is in a hospital bed)
Tori: Wow, that looks so real.
Doctor: So when this Robbie kid gets here-
Beck: You say that Rex isn't doing well, let him say goodbye, and then beeeep. Dead Rex.
Doctor: (pause) Why can't my son be handsome like you?
Jade: [holds up jar] What's this?
Doctor: Oh, just a fatty lump I removed from a cab driver's back.
Jade: Can I have it?
Doctor: (incredulously) What school do you kids go to? [Jade takes the jar, smiling] I have to go see another patient, I'll be back in twenty minutes.
Beck: Why do you want it?
Jade: I like to look at it.
(Robbie sees Rex on the hospital bed)
Robbie: Is he gonna be ok?
Doctor: I'm afraid his injuries are very serious.
Beck: They don't think he's gonna make it.
Andre: What in the name of Nancy's going on here?
Nurse: I don't know why your uncle would soak his feet in chicken fat. (pause) Why are you here?
Cat: Oh, cause this puppet had a really bad accident and got hurt, but he doesn't like to be called a puppet.
Nurse: Mmmhmm. And, uh, how did this "puppet" get hurt?
Cat: See, well, my friend Tori was trying to make a tornado happen, but she did it wrong, so the puppet flew across the room into a big jet fan!
Nurse: Oooh, a flying puppet!
Cat: Yeah.
Nurse: That's too bad. (to an orderly) William, would you please take this young woman to our "special room" in section D?
William: (knowingly) Of course. (takes Cat's arm) Come along.
Cat: Ooh, an adventure!
Jade: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up!
Tori: What?
Jade: Where are you all going?
Cat: To a hospital.
Tori: Cat!
Beck: We're not really going to the hospital. It's a puppet.
Cat: Not to Robbie.
Jade: You know what, maybe we should take Rex to the hospital.
Tori: Why?
Jade: So he can die there.
Cat: Jade...
Jade: It's not good for a sixteen year old guy to go through life with his hand shoved up a...that. Maybe this happened for a reason.
Tori: But if Rex dies, Robbie's gonna-
Jade: Get over it? Become a normal person? Yeah, that'd be tragic.
Beck: She's got a point.
Cat: I used to think my Uncle Jesse was a normal person, but then I found out that every Sunday he soaks his feet in chicken fat. (they all look at Cat)
Tori: (after a pause) Let's take Rex to the hospital.
(The doctor gives his conditions for setting up Rex's deathbed)
Doctor: I have a sixteen year old son, his name is Lendel, and well...he's a loser. Would you go out on a date with him?
Tori: How much of a loser? (doctor pulls out his wallet and shows picture) Oh, my god!
Jade: Don't turn on 21.
Cat: Don't what?
Jade: Turn on 21.
Cat: 21 on!
Jade: No, Cat! [gets shocked from the wires] Cat!
Cat: What?
Jade: You just shocked me!
Cat: I'm sorry!
Robbie Somebody's gotta take Rex to the hospital.
Tori: I'll take him.
Beck: I'll drive.
Cat: I'll go, too.
Jade: Okay, does anyone else think this is bizarre? Come on, it can't just be me. (Andre enters)
Andre: All right, all right. Showtime! (pause, looks around) What'd I miss?
Sinjin: Tori tried to murder Rex.
Tori: Sinjin! (holds out arms) Here, let me take him.
Robbie: No!
Cat: We'll take him to the hospital.
Robbie: Ok.
Tori: (takes Rex) I got him.
Robbie: Take care of him.
Tori: I promise. (Robbie kisses Rex, then Tori, Cat and Beck leave)
Jade: Well, I'm not missing this. [follows Tori, Cat and Beck]
Robbie: Realio dealio?
Cat: I think that's Spanish for "real deal".
Rex: And what's Spanish for dizzy redhead?
Cat: (hits her head with the red cubes on her hands) Bonk..bonk. Hey, this really works! It doesn't hurt at all! (hits her head over and over again) Bonk, bonk, bonkity bonk bonk. Oh, (stands up) I'm Cube Fist Man! Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk! (giggles)

The Diddly-Bops

Jade: I'll give you this dollar to get to the point.
Sikowitz: I couldn't possibly take your money... (takes the dollar from Jade's hands)
Sikowitz: How would you teenagers like to do something for money?
Tori: [after a pause] Can we have some details first?
Andrè: [singing and playing piano] My grandpa has a nose and my grandma has a nose. Everyone you know has a nose, nose, nose.
Jade: My grandfather's nose was blown off in the war, so that song is a filthy lie.
Robbie: [singing] It's fun to run, it's fun to play, it's fun to make things out of clay. It's fun to fill your car with gas, it's fun to break things made of glass.
[Everyone starts staring at Robbie.]
Robbie: [singing] Broken glass can cut your hand and then you bleed across the land. Ask any-
Tori: We're not doing that!
Cat: Well, we have to write a song about something.
Beck: Okay, let's think. What do four-year old...little kids like?
Cat: Um...Cartoons?
Andrè: Animals?
Jade: Being annoying.
Robbie: [singing and strumming] Broken glass.
Andrè: [Andrè's cell phone vibrates.] Oh, I gotta take this. Back in a sec. [Leaves into the other room.] Hey, how ya doin'?
Tori: Oh, right here. On SplashFace, the top seven most popular kiddie songs are all about food.
Cat: So let's write a kiddie song about food.
Robbie: [singing and playing guitar] Oh, broken glass is not a food, so don't you listen to some dude who says "put cheese on broken glass and make a sand-a-wich out of broken glass."
Tori: What is wrong with you?
Jade: I like it.
Robbie (sings) Lets sing a song about broken glass, I'll help you write it after class, there is no song that can surpass this song we sing...about broken glass.
(Tori and Andre stare at him)
Robbie: Harmonica solo!
Cat: Hey you gotta help Jade.
Tori: With what?
Cat: She can't get her boobs in the hamburger.
Tori's Slap Status: Ok...they're IN the hamburger. Now, it's SHOWTIME!!! (for 4 year olds) :/ Mood: FOODY
Henry: Sing about dinosaurs!
Beck: (cheerfully) No!
Jade: Hate this.
Tori: Thousand bucks.
Jade: Not enough.
Cat: I love the Waggafuffels! [sings] Wagga Wagga Wagga Waggafuffels left and right, Wagga Wagga Waggafuffels day and night! Wagga Wagga Wagga-
Rex: Shut up!
Cat: [hurt] Rex told me to shut up!
Sikowitz: Yes, thank you, Rex.
Sikowitz: This is a very nice thing you guys are doing here.
Tori: Yeah, yeah. Thousand bucks, right?
Tori: Apparently we're the Diddly Bops!
Sinjin: Do another song!
Beck: (cheerfully) No!
Tori: Happy birthday Henry!
Jade: We did this for money. [leaves]
Devon: [points his finger at Jade] She wrote a bad word!
Jade: I write what I feel.
Robbie: Well, it doesn't mean your life is over.
Rex: It kinda is.
(Jade rips Rex's arm off)
Tori: It's catchy.
André: Catchy like a rash.
Tori: [smiles and claps] That song is so awesome! How'd you turn Favorite Foods into that?
Andrè: I just stopped drinking my chocolate beverage and got busy.
Trina: [carrying the hamburger costume downstairs] How did Jade fit her boobs in this hamburger?
Little kid: That guy's like a hundred years old!
Sikowitz: I'm 34!

Wok Star

Sinjin: What's wrong with weird and disturbing?
Tori: (sees him behind her, then brief silence) Uh...your pants are unzipped.
Sinjin: ...I know.
Mrs. Lee: Just drag the body out by the dumpster and don't say nothing to nobody!
Jade: Who sings when they're falling to the bottom of a well?
Mrs. Lee: Batman?
Tori: I don't think Batman sings.
Andre: I think Cat just said something pretty smart.
Cat: Sorry.
Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap: My sister looks like an avocado exploded in her face. (Actually, that would be SO cool) FEELING: DEVIOUS
Josh: [goes to Jade] Great work. [holds out his hand]
Jade: Whatever.
Tori: Come on. Give Tori a squeeze. [holds out her arms]
Jade: [hugs Tori]
Jade: [Imitating Tori] Nothing to worry about.
Tori: I don't talk like that!
Tori: Okay, well then it shouldn't be that hard to find someone to put up the money.
Jade: You'd really find me someone to put up the money to produce my play.
Tori: I meant that...
Jade: [Swing scissors] HEY! Did she not say, [Imitating Tori] It shouldn't be that hard to find someone to put up the money.

The Wood

[After Robbie and Trina break Festus' arm]
Trina: I just want a tamale!
Lane: [very fast] Well, you went and broke his tamale-makin' arm so now what!!?
Trina: Okay, I can picture me, sitting on a pony, wearing a bright purple hat. I-I was wearing the purple hat, not-not the pony. Do they even make pony hats? Anyway, I was looking fabou!
Creator: Okay, Jade, what do you hate?
Jade: Uh, tuna fish, flowers, uh, giggling, the word "panties", cilantro, rainbows, ducks...man, I hate ducks. Cramps, string cheese, clocks, wet doorknobs, bras that hook in the front, the color yellow, carpeting...
Tori: You wanna watch it with us?
Trina: No. They rejected me!
Tori: Yeah, but i'm in it!
Trina: I gotta go change a lightbulb.
Tori: Um...oh! I know. I squirted hot cheese all over my friend and her current boyfriend, who was my ex-boyfriend, and then I kissed him right in front of her, which I felt really bad about. But then it was okay, 'cause she punched me right in the face.
[Tori and Beck's fake phone conversation:]
Beck: Hey, it's Beck.
Tori: Hi, baby.
Beck: Sup?
Tori: My parents aren't home.
Beck: Oh, that sounds pretty good.
Tori: I know! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
Beck: So, guess what I want?
Tori: Aw, you want me to tickle your tummy?
Beck: Yeah, sure.
Tori: You should come over.
Beck: Yeah, my girlfriend's not gonna like that.
Tori: I won't tell her.
Beck: Okay, I'll be there soon.
Tori: Alright. Love you, miss you.
Beck: You make me happy.
Tori: [kisses phone] Muaahh!
Beck: Bye.
Tori: Later. [hangs up]
Tori: She almost KILLED me!
Jade: I wouldn't have actually killed you.
Tori: Oh, aren't you sweet.
Trina: Hey, Beck. (sticks arm under his nose) Smell my arm. No perfume — that's my natural scent.
Tori: I have to live with her.
Tori: (to Beck) Your lemonade, sir.
Beck: Thanks. ...hey, why's it pink?
Tori: It's pink lemonade.
Beck: I've never seen any pink lemons.
Tori: There are no pink lemons.
Beck: ...so what makes it pink?
Tori: Well... you know, it's — shut up!
Andre: (fake fighting with Beck) Who put my dog in a wedding dress?
Beck: It was hilarious.
Andre: Y'know what, this friendship is over.
Beck: Eat a rag.
Andre: You eat TWO rags! (to the producers) ...Did ya get all that?
Kyle: Tori Vega, Beck Oliver, Jade West, and Andre Harris, congratulations! You're all going to be featured on The Wood.
Trina: And what about me?
Kyle: No.
Trina: Why not?
Kyle: Because you reek of desperation.
Beck: That's her natural scent.

A Film by Dale Squires

Teacher: Tori, can you make your sister leave?
Tori: Trina, stop embarassing me or I'm gonna embarass you.
Trina: Don't threaten me!
Tori: When Trina was six, our family went to the mall just before Christmas-
Trina: DON'T SAY IT!
Tori: And she peed.
Trina: TORI!
Tori: On Santa Claus.
Trina: (makes embarassed sound and leaves)
André: So what's the plan?
Tori: I don't know. You're smart, she's mean. You think of something.
Tori: We have to do something.
Cat: Waffles?
Tori: I like waffles.
Cat: One time, when I was seven, I was at the beach and I made a sand castle, and I named it Cat's Castle. (pause) True story.
Beck: I'll go find some cheerleaders that need a ride home.
Robbie: Will they be wearing their uniforms?
Beck: That's what makes them cheerleaders.
Tori: Okay, would you rather give up the Internet or your foot?
Andre: Foot.
Cat: Foot.
Jade: Foot.
Beck: (lifts up knee with Jade's foot on it) Jade's foot.
Tori: You would all rather give up a foot then the internet.
Cat: Yeah.
Andre: You love the internet.
Tori: Yeah, but your foot's like a part of your body and the internet's... Yeah, my foot.
Cat: This one time I ate a hamburger and an hour later i started sneezing but i don't think it had anything to do with the hamburger.
Jade: Maybe your red hair dye seeps through your skull and into your brain
Cat: CAN THAT HAPPEN!?!?
Holly: Where's Trina?
Cat: Tori locked her in the bathroom
Tori: Cat! You weren't supposed to tell her that.
Holly: I'm okay with it.

Sleepover At Sikowitz's

Sikowitz: I spy a fly, with my little thigh!
Tori: Thigh?
Sikowitz': [Chases the fly] Come here! Time to die! [crashes through a window]
Rex: [after Tori kisses him] Take me home.
Beck: Cat will play a 1980s standup comedian...who's very annoying!
Cat: I wanna be a unicorn!
Beck: You can't!
Cat: Phooey..!
Sikowitz: Now, Cat! Who will Robbie be playing?
Cat: Well...i've decided, Robbie's role should be a motivational speaker...
Robbie: Pfft. I could do that!
Cat: Who just drank some weird beverage that makes his legs weak and wobbly! (laughs)
Robbie: Okay, so, uh, i'm a motivational speaker with...jelly legs.
Cat: Yeah, i'm creative.
Sikowitz: Wonderful. Robbie, tell us the character you've chosen for Beck.
Robbie: Sure! One sec. (presses some buttons on his PearPad then turns it to them) Okay. Beck will be playing... (turns the PearPad to face them) A guy from England whose accent is really hard to understand, and he's always invading people's personal space.
Beck: (in a British accent) No problem.
Sikowitz: Andre! What do you have in store for Torro?
Tori: Did you just call me Torro?
Sikowitz: Maybe.
Tori: It's To-RI!
Sikowitz: I know. But I do love that fatty tuna.
Tori: (to Robbie) Should I be offended?
Andre: Okay, uh, Tori's character will be a cop who wears way too much red lipstick, and is obsessed with raisin bran.
Tori: Where did you come up with that?
Andre: Well, see, I had this dream last night, where this lady cop was like...and she was like...then I was like...I just thought of it.
Sikowitz: Tori! Tell us what Jade will be.
Tori: Love to. (As she walks in front of the others, Jade looks worried that Tori will say something she will hate.) Jade will be an innocent farm girl from Alabama who's always super sweet and nice and never gets upset about anything.
Jade: I'd rather slam my tongue in a car door.
Sikowitz: Now tell us who Andre will be playing.
Jade: Ugh, fine... (stands up and walks in front of the others) You're gonna be a guy who's just finished running a marathon...
Andre: Okay.
Jade: Who also happens to be nine months pregnant.
Andre: ...Who's the daddy?
Andre: WAAAAA! I think i'm gonna have a baby! Why did I just run that marathon?!
Tori: I AM A POLICE OFFICER! Would you like some RAISIN BRAN?!
Andre: Oh my goodness...I think i'm gonna have a baby!
Charlotte: BABY?!?
Andre: AH, WHY DID I RUN THAT MARATHON WHILE I WAS PREGNANT?!?
Charlotte: What the bogs are you talking about?!
Jason: I'm going with some guys to see the Waldogs play at the moxie.
Cat: I'll go with you to see the Waldogs play at the moxie, i'll go right now!
Sikowitz: EEEECK! Cat...you just broke character. (opens the door)
Cat: Yay! (drops her microphone and leaves with Jason) Bye, everyone, i'll be at the moxie! (Sikowitz shuts the door after they leave.)
Tori: And to THINK I was gonna let that boy eat my Raisin Bran!
Tori: Why don't you stop invading my personal space, and have a little of this Raisin Bran?!
Beck: (in British accent) I'm game. So why don't you pop a dabble in my mouth.
(Jade burns her hands after touching a very hot tray)
Jade: My goodness, that tray was hot! Oh, well. Look at it! My skin's starting to blister! And I do believe that's the sweet smell of my burning flesh!
Sikowitz: Uh, Jade, perhaps I should try----
Jade: Who's Jade? My name is Betsy-Sue Goldenheart. A happy farm girl who's experiencing extreme pain right now! Aaaooooowwwwwww.... (Jade smiles and exits the house)
Sikowitz: And yet, she never broke character.
Jade: MOVE THIS CAR! (glass breaks and a car siren goes off)
Sikowitz: You broke character!
Tori: AND...your neighbor's car window. (a police siren wails)
Sikowitz: Go inside, go inside. (pushes Tori inside and closes the door)
Sikowitz: (into his walkie) I can't take it anymore-ALRIGHT! (stands up, and turns to face Tori and Beck) Since it's obvious...neither one of you are going to be breaking character anytime soon, and I can't STAND being here with either one of you anymore...I'm going to bed. You can help yourself to anything in the refrigerator but please. (explicitly) Do NOT look in the cabinet under the sink in my bathroom. PLEASE. ...Good night. (walks away)
Beck: (in British accent) Have you ever seen a carnivorous wildebeest rubbing up fat Dan Schneider walking-
Tori: I AM A POLICE OFFICER!
Beck: Egofen.
(Robbie is laughing and eating popcorn while watching Terms of Endearment, a drama film, with David and Holly Vega)
Holly: Who laughs at Terms of Endearment?
David: It's not a comedy. (the doorbell rings. David opens the door. It was Cat and Jason)
Cat: (waving) Hi, Tori's dad!
David: Hi.
Cat: This is Jason.
David: And?
Cat: Robbie texted me and said you guys are watching a funny movie!
David: (turns to Robbie) It's not a comedy!
Robbie: Hey, you guys! Come on in. (Cat and Jason enter the house)
Cat: Oh, popcorn!!! (Cat eats popcorn and sits along with Jason. Cat starts to laugh) Is that Debra Winger?
Robbie: Yeah. She's hilarious!
Holly: She's DYING!
(Cat, Robbie and Jason continue to laugh while watching the movie)
(Robbie, Cat, Andre, Jade and Jason watch Terms of Endearment, a romantic drama film, and they won't stop laughing.)
David : (annoyingly) HOW is that funny?!
Andre: Does she ever quit crying?
Jade: Ah, she'll be dead in minutes. (Both David and Holly get irritated and walk upstairs. Then, Robbie, Cat, Jason, Andre and Jade continue to laugh out loud)
Tori: Raisin Bran was invented by Kevin McRaisinburg and Jack McBran.
(Tori and Beck have passed out after sleeping on chairs)
Beck: (in normal voice) Hey, what time is it?
Tori: ...AH! AHHH! YOU...BROKE CHARACTER! YOU LOST! (stands up) I AM A POLICE OFFICER! AND I AM VICTORIOUS! ENJOY SOME RAISIN BRAN, YOU FREAKISH BRIT! (pours some Raisin Bran on a smiling Beck) THIS IS OFFICER PADESCO. CODE THREE! (imitates a police siren noise while running out)

Season 2

Beggin' on Your Knees

Robbie: Like the wolf-
Rex: She walks alone.
Robbie: [howls]
Rex: Off-key!
Quartet: [singing] Hey hey, Tori Vega! Won't you be our very special-
Tori: NO!
Quartet: [disappointed then go after Andre] Hey hey, Andre Harris!
Andre: NO!
Tori: (happy) Hey!
Andre: Whoa, somebody's all happy about something.
Jade: Yeah, it's making me sick.
Robbie: Hey, um, is there a reason that girls don't wanna go out with me?
Tori: You mean, like, one reason that stands out over all the other reasons?
Rex: Ha!
Robbie: (after a pause, aggravated) So why are you happy?
Tori: Because Ryder Daniels asked me out.
Rex: Ooh, he's hot! (they all stare at him) Stare all you want, I'm secure.
Jade: I don't trust that Ryder guy.
Tori: You just hate the idea of anything good happening for me.
Jade: That could not be more true. (pause) I'm just saying, any dude that hot and that perfect has to be hiding something.
Andre: So I guess you think Beck is hiding something.
Jade: Oh, he was until I found out.
Beck: Wha-what was I hiding?
Jade: That you were born in CANADA! [leaves]
Beck: [goes after her] It wasn't a secret!
Trina: Sorry. My butt's gotta breathe.
Tori: Did that bush just waddle? (opens the door and walks outside) ROBBIE SHAPIRO!
Robbie: (from behind the bush) Yes?
Tori: You were invading my privacy!
Robbie: Well at least I didn't snoop through Ryder's phone.
Tori: (in a "go away" tone) EAHHHHHHHHH!
Robbie: Eahhhh! (leaves)
Tori: WHOA! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Ryder: What?
Tori: Are you about to kiss me?
Rider: Yeah.
Tori: (cheerfully) Okay. (they do, and she leans on a button on her computer that sets off music) Sorry!
Ryder: It's cool.
Tori: Did I bite your lip?
Ryder: Little bit.
Jade: You must feel pretty stupid right now.
Beck: Okay, that's a time out.
Jade: No! I was just trying to-
Beck: Go sit on the steps! (she does)
Tori: So what do I do now?
Andre: Well, you're not still gonna sing a duet with that jerk, right?
Tori: Ugh. No way!
Beck: Good. So he'll fail.
Tori: Yeah, but I don't want to fail too!
Andre: So, what are you gonna sing?
Tori: (starts to come to her senses) A song...a really cool song that you're gonna help me write, tonight!
Andre: I can't!
Tori: You have to!
Andre: But I gotta- (the others all interrupt as he tries to speak) ALRIGHT! I'll just celebrate my 97-year old great grandpa's birthday with him next year. Possibly! (he walks up to the piano) Well, come on!
Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap: Sometimes it's nice to forgive people. And other times, REVENGE ROCKS. FEELING: Feisty
Asian guy: So, congrats, man!
Ryder: On what?
Asian guy: I hear you're going out with Tori!
Ryder: Huh. Yeah, for like five more minutes! (hands him some peanut-like balls) Then you can have her.
Asian guy: Really? (follows him)
Tori: [on the song she's about to sing] Just listen. I think you'll hate it.
Quartet: [to Ryder, after Tori sings] You just got burned.

Beck Falls for Tori

Andre: Just tell us where the girl is.
Beck: I told you, I DON'T KNOW!
Cat: Okay, if you don't know, you don't know. [slaps Beck hard then grabs his shirt] NOW DO YOU KNOW?!
Beck: Hey, man! Get your partner off me!
Andre: You better tell her what she wants to know. [licks a lollipop]
Cat: You got three seconds to talk.
Beck: I-I-I don't know. I-
(Cat slaps him again)
Beck: She's in my basement! [Cat lets go of him] She's in my basement. [gets on his knees and cries]
Sikowitz: Boring.
[The students turns to Sikowitz]
Andre: That was boring?
Sikowitz: [gets up] Yeah, it was all too predictable. There were no, [puts on a shocked face] AHH, surprises.
Jade: I enjoyed the slapping.
Sikowitz: See, entertainment is so much so entertaining, when the characters do something the audience doesn't expect.
Robbie: I don't get what you're trying to say here.
Rex: You've bewildered everybody.
[The students begins to talk all at once.]
Sikowitz: All right, okay, maybe I'm wrong. Let's move on the something else. [Cat, Beck and Andre sit back down] Let's talk about our hopes and dreams. [points to Tori] Tori.
Tori: [points to Sikowitz] Sikowitz.
Sikowitz: What's your biggest hope and/or dream? [smiles at her]
Tori: Uh...probably to be a pop star. A really successful singer.
Sikowitz: [laughs insanely]
Tori: [laughs nervously with him] What?
Sikowitz: Oh, well, maybe you could sing at weddings for the hearing impaired. [continues laughing]
[The students looks at Sikowitz in shock.]
Jade: Okay, this is the most fun class ever.
Tori: [sad] You really don't think I can make it as a singer?
Sikowitz: Nope. HA! You see? You're all staring at me with rapt attention. Why? Because, as a teacher, you expect me to encourage my students not puke on their dreams. Right?
[The students agree]
Tori: Uh huh.
Sikowitz: This is what I'm trying to explain. When characters do the unexpected- [falls suddenly] audiences pay attention.
Tori: Oh, I have a headache.
[The bell rings.]
Sikowitz: That's lunchtime. Get out.
[The students get up and leave.]
Rex: Hey, Jade. That's a nice new sweater.
Jade: Thanks. It's made out of puppet hair.
Rex: Dang, woman.
Cat: Hey. Look at the new costume I made. Can you guess who I am?
Beck: No.
Andre: You're uh, Little Boy Poop.
Cat: Little Bo Peep. Alright, can I tell you guys how much I'm loving my new costume design class?
Andre and Beck: Uh...
Cat: And my teacher says I have a gift for knowing people's exact measurements.
Robbie: Hey, peepolinis!!
Jade: I'm not with him.
Cat: [to Robbie] Hey, Robbie, do you want me to tell you what size pants you are?
Robbie: I already know. They're a size four.
(Cat laughs)
Jade: Size four?
Cat: That's how they measure girls' pants.
Robbie: What? Rex, you promised me these were boy jeans.
Rex: Heh heh heh. You've been Rexed.
Tori: Hey. Will you guys take a look at my headshot and resume?
Andre: Sure. Why?
Tori: Sikowitz got me an audition for a movie.
Jade: I don't care.
Andre: You look twelve in this pic.
Tori: Well that was the last time I got shot by a professional photographer.
Cat: My brother got shot by a clown.
Andre: Why?
Cat: Because my brother kept poking him and saying "What you gonna do about it, clown? Huh?" (pause) It happened on a bus.
Jade: (pulls out a coloring book and crayons) Cat, color the tiger.
Cat: Yay, crayons!
Tori: Well, now I have to find a professional photographer.
(Sinjin walks over)
Sinjin: Did someone say she needs a professional photographer?
Tori: Yeah, you know one?
Sinjin: Nope. (walks off again)
Robbie: Yeah, I don't seem so weird anymore, do I?
Rex: What did you say, Girl Pants?
Andre: Alright, you gotta work on this resume.
Tori: Why, what's wrong with it?
Robbie: You only have one play on there.
Tori: Well, that's all I've been in.
Andre: So? Just say you've acted in more stuff.
Tori: Lie?
Jade: Yes!
Beck: Well, it's not really lying...
Rex: It's exaggerating!
Cat: Did I mention the clown was my cousin Jesse?
Jade: [sternly] Color the pretty tiger.
Tori: So, back to my resume...
Andre: You gotta have more things under special skills.
Jade: Yeah, you put bike riding as a special skill. Who can't ride a bike?
Rex: Take a guess.
Robbie: (puts hand over Rex's mouth) Can you keep any secret?
Tori: So what "special skills" should I add?
Andre: Gymnastics.
Beck: Martial arts.
Robbie: Skydiving.
Jade: Flirtatious hair flipping.
Tori: Okay, I do not flip my hair flirtatiously!
Jade: Oh, and this doesn't seem familiar? [Imitating Tori] Why, hello, boys! My name is Tori Vega! Buy me some licorice and I'll give you a kiss!
Tori: I talk NOTHING like that. (to the rest of the gang) Seriously, do I talk anything like that? (the others all imitate Tori at the same time. Tori puts a picture of herself in front of her face)
Tori: So I said ok.
Sikowitz: Really? I had no idea you did stunt work.
Tori: I don't! I'm not a stunt double!
Sikowitz: Then why'd you accept the job?
Tori: I don't know. Because I'm stupid?
Jade: I've been telling you people she's stupid, but did anyone believe me?
Andre: Alright, wait. Why did they even offer you a job as a stunt double?
Tori: Because of my resume? Under "special skills" I put gymnastics and karate, and that made them think I could do stunts.
Jade: See, you should never lie on your resume. (Tori gives her a dirty look) Well, that's not a pretty face.
Tori: Bye. Thank you, monkeys! WHOO!
Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap: Well, I now have a BOOT PRINT on MY RIGHT KIDNEY. Thank you, Jade. FEELING SORE
Rex: Wait, who got bit by monkeys?
Tori: The director's kid.
Rex: Did he taunt the monkeys?
(Beck and Jade chuckle)
Tori: And what if I end up in the hospital?
Jade: (Imitating Tori) Well maybe you'll meet a handsome young doctor, get married and share a soda pop!
Tori: I DON'T talk like a movie star from the 1940s!
Andre: [to Tori] Come on, now there's not gonna be a funeral.
Cat: Aw.
Andre: We're all gonna come down to set, keep you cool, watch you land safe and sound, right on that air sack.
(Tori smiles)
Andre: Unless you miss it! [laughs]
(Tori frowns)
Andre : I don't think you'll miss it.
Robbie: Peeminder?
Rex: You should download that.
Jade: Yeah you should.
Jade: (deadpan) Yay, Cat made another costume.
Cat: I'm Cat, International Spy! (makes gun noises with her finger, then points to it) It's not real.
Tori: Beck? Beck?
Beck: (Enters, wearing a wig and Tori's dress and speaks in a high-pitched voice) Yes?
Tori: Beck?
Beck: I'm not Beck. I'm you.
Jade: [After pushing Tori of the balcony, in a southern belle accent] You're ever so welcome!
Tori: I don't talk like that!!!

Ice Cream for Ke$ha

Robbie: Cat! Cat, come on. You can't be mad at me over something that I did in your dream.
Cat: It's what you didn't do.
Robbie: Well, would you at least tell me what I didn't do?
Cat: Fine! These little kids were trying to eat us, and you wouldn't even try to help me! You were just crying and yelling "No, no! Don't eat me! Eat her, eat her!"
Robbie: Well, I'm sorry. And if a bunch of little kids ever really do try to eat us, I promise to...well, why shouldn't they eat you first?
(Andre and Tori sit down)
Cat: Robbie!
Robbie: I wanna live! There's things I've never tried! There's things I really, really, really wanna do!
Tori: What do you really, really, really wanna do?
Robbie: Ride a pony. Take a cooking class. (Robbie pauses, embarassed) Other things.
Cat: Robbie let a bunch of little kids eat me.
Robbie: It's not my fault if dream children find you delicious!
Jade: I'm sick of this. Ice cream reminds me of my childhood.
Cat: You didn't have a happy childhood?
Jade: My favorite toy was a hammer. You finish the puzzle.
Beck: (aside, to Jade) You know, you don't have to help.
Jade: Don't push me.
Beck: What?
Tori: But, if we win and Kesha does do a private concert, only the people who help find the letters get to come.
Jade: [Imitating Tori] Only the people who help find the letters get to come!
Tori: I don't talk like that!
Jade: Ooh, you don't look happy.
Tori: I'm not!
Jade: Yay!
Beck: Trina giving you a rough time?
Tori: Yes! Do you know she sleep sweats?
Jade: Sleep sweats?
Tori: Yeah, she made me go into her room last night every two hours, with a sponge, lift her arms, and then -
Trina: Tori! Hey, answer my phone!
Tori: What? I don't wanna!
Jade: You're her assistant, so do what she says.
Trina: Thank you, Jade. [touches Jade's arm]
Jade: Never touch me.
Tori: (after she finds out the contest is stil on) I can still win the contest!
Sinjin: Run for it, Tori! Run straight home and don't stop until you get there!
(Robbie is carrying a bucket of ice cream)
Tori: Hey, where you going?
Robbie: I don't think we should waste all this ice cream, so I'm gonna take it to that playground around the corner and give it to some little kids.
Beck: Uh, I don't know how kids mothers are gonna feel about a strange guy handing out-
Jade: (aside, to Beck) Let him do it.
Beck: (to Jade) No, that'd be just terrible, you're a terrible influence-
Jade: Just let him do it! He's gonna do it!
Beck: (to Robbie) Good luck!
(Robbie walks into Tori's house looking beaten)
Tori: Robbie, what happened?
Robbie: I went to the playground, I got off my bike, I yelled "Hey, kids, who wants some free ice cream?" And then their mothers chased me into an alley and beat me with sticks!
Cat: Sticks? (Jade chuckles)
Robbie: One big mom stepped on my neck!
Jade: Ya gotta love big moms.
(everyone is at Tori's looking for letters)
Beck: K!
Jade: A!
Tori: A!
Beck: A!
Cat: H!
Rex: K!
Tori: Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait. Cat, what'd you say?
Cat: When?
Tori: Just a second ago.
Cat: (pause) I said "when."
Tori: No! Before that.
Cat: Oh, I said "H".
Tori: H!
Andre: H? Yes! (everybody runs to Cat)
Robbie: She's got it! She got the H!
Cat: (laughs) I feel so loved!
Beck: (enters) Hey.
Andre: Where's the ice cream?
Tori: Yeah. Didn't you get some more?
Beck: Nope. Check Ke$ha's last update. (Tori, Andre, Jade and Cat grab their phones)
Tori: (reads the update) "Congrats to the dude in Northridge who found all the letters and spelled out Ke$ha. Thanks for playing. Ke$ha later."
Andre: Contest over.
Jade: Great! I spent nine hours of my life violating pints of ice cream for nothing!
Robbie: While I got stick beat by vicious mothers!
Tori: (sadly) I hate everything.
Cat: (stands up) Well... (goes to Tori) ...don't be sad.
Tori: I AM SAD! Cause I didn't marry a prince and I don't live in a magic sugar castle, and now, we can't win the Ke$ha concert which means that I gotta keep being Trina's stupid assistant for 28 more days!
Cat: That's so sad.
Andre: Come on. That's okay! Maybe...maybe Trina will just forget about it.
Andre: I need "e$h" real bad.
Tori: I need the S!! [starts whimpering on Andre's shoulder] Where is the S!!
Andre: [hugging Tori] I don't know baby, I just don't know
(the kid at the store gives his conditions for giving them the "$")
Kid: (pointing at Tori) I want to kiss you.
Tori: What?
Kid: (pointing at Cat) And her.
(Cat giggles)
Kid: (pointing at Jade) And the freaky one.
Jade: What?
Andre: You better stop there.
Trina: Ke$ha, wait!
Ke$ha: No, you're weird.
Tori: [stops Trina] Trina! Ke$ha, I am so sorry about her.
Ke$ha: Is she your sister?
Tori: Yeah.
Ke$ha: I'm sorry for you.
Tori: Everyone is.
Ke$ha: [touches Tori's cheek] Are those real cheekbones?
Tori: Yeah.

Tori Gets Stuck

Tori: You made Sinjin tried to trick me so you could get my role?
Jade: Look, I'm not going to stand here and watch you accuse me of things I clearly did. (walks off)
Tori: (to Sinjin) You have anything to say to me?
Sinjin: Teach me to dance.
Tori: NO!
Jade: I'm playing Susie, right?
(Sikowitz hems and haws, then runs from the room. Jade picks up the paper with the roles)
Cat: Did you get the lead?
(Jade crumples paper and kicks a chair)
Andre: I don't think she got it.
Robbie: So, who's playing Susie?
Tori: (uncrumples paper) Me.
Jade: Yeah. Her. That! She got the lead!
Cat: What part did you get?
Jade: I got cheated and humiliated!
Sinjin: You get used to it. (Robbie nods)
Andre: Alright, chill down. Let's see. It says right here, "Jade West, understudy for the role of Susie".
Jade: Oh, yee hoo. Like it's my dream to be Tori's understudy.
Tori: What's an understudy?
Jade: Aw, man! (throws cup against the wall)
Robbie: An understudy is like a backup actor.
Andre: So if you get sick or something, your understudy takes over for your part in the play.
Jade: Yeah, if you get sick, or go missing, or GET HIT BY A BUS! [storms out]
Tori: [nervous] Uh...she can't drive a bus, can she?
Cat: One time my brother painted part of his body purple.
Robbie: Why did your brother paint part of his body purple?
Cat: He had a job interview...(smiles) He didn't get it.
Rex: There's a car parked in Robbie's butt!
Robbie: Quit saying that!
Doctor: (to Jade) Are you his girlfriend?
Jade: No, are you?
Trina: That is some juicy coughing and hacking.
Tori: Get out!
Jade: NO! I'm leaving. [leaves]
Tori: Oh, and uh, Robbie?
Robbie: Yeah?
Tori: ...Spongebob underwear? [Robbie covers his abdomen in embarassment]
Jade: I'll go get her dress off.
Sikowitz: Nooooooo. (grabs her and holds her back)
Jade: She can't play the role and i'm the understudy!
Sikowitz: I don't care; you've been acting like a gank all week. I'm not going to reward you by letting you play the lead!
Jade: There's an audience out there! This show must go on!
Sikowitz: ...Yes. Yes it must. And must, it shall!
Tori: I'm O negative? You did go through my medical records.
Jade: [Imitating Tori] Told you I do my research.

Prom Wrecker

Tori: Are you done with your little sabotage game?
Jade: [Imitating Tori] Done with what little sabotage game?
Trina: I am gonna win, right?
Sinjin: It hurts that you doubt me.
Cat: [looking at Andre kissing his girlfriend] Whoa, daddy.
Cat: It's raining!
Tori: I know.
Cat: Should we stop?
Andre: Or do you want to keep going?
Tori: Oh he's coming! Don't let him know we were watching...
Andre: What's up?
Tori: Nothing.
Jade: Not a thing.
Cat: We were not watching you kiss that girl!
Tori: SINJIN, DO NOT LICK THE BALLOONS!!!
Sherry: People are mad! There's no band, there was a freaky video...
Andre: And Doug's diaper doesn't fit him too well.
Cat: He says he got you the power drill, the clown costume and 12 gallons of blood
Jade: Wow! Where did he get 12 gallons of fake blood?
Cat: You wanted fake blood? I'll go call my brother.
Doug: I sing, I dance, I pee my pants! I'm Doug the Diaper Guy!
Tori Are you gonna stop?
Jade: (looks at soda can) Nah, I'm still pretty thirsty.
(Tori takes Jade's drink)
Jade: Give it back!
Tori: Yeah, sure. (licks the top of it, then gives it back) Here.
Jade: Thanks. (drinks from it) Ahhh...
Tori: What, no. I didn't call and cancel the band!
Jade: [Imitating Tori] Uh oh. Looks like Tori Vega's prom has turned into one big boopity boo.

Locked Up!

Jade: Oh, hey, I just wanted to remind you guys that I'm going away to Cancun with Beck's family for semester break and you guys have nothing fun to do.
(Beck is dragging Jade into Sikowitz's classroom)
Beck: C'mon!
Jade No, I don't wanna ask her! No!
Beck: We'll both ask her.
Tori: What's goin' on?
Beck: My aunt says we can't go to Cancun.
Tori: Aw, how come?
Beck: She found out I was bringing Jade.
Sikowitz: Hah!
Beck: So we hear some of you guys are going to Yerba?
Tori: Yes. Yes, we are. Would you like to go to Yerba with us, Beck?
Beck: That'd be great, thanks!
(Tori and Beck look at Jade)
Tori: Jade, do you have a question for me?
Jade: (turns her head away, clearly humiliated) May I come to Yerba?
Tori: Hmmm...maybe. But first...gotta give me a hug! (Jade hesitates) C'mon, c'mon. Just do it! (they hug) See, giving Tori a big ol' hug isn't such a bad thing. (Jade begins to squeeze tighter) Ok, that's really tight. (they fall to the ground) Oh, god, help me!
Trina: I'm never playing mini golf with you guys again!
Holly: Promise?!
Tori: What happened?
Holly: Trina missed a putt, so she got upset and threw a golf club at her father!
Trina: NO, I threw the golf club and Dad just stood there and let it hit him!
David: (comes in with a bruised nose) Well...that was fun...
Andre: [after seeing the hotel] This dump is our hotel?
Beck: Our friend is hallucinating!
Tori: An escaped prisoner crashed through our window and was dragged out by Yerbian soldiers!
Cat: And our bed is lumpy.
Jade: ...Okay. So before you booked our trip here, you forgot to find out that this is the WORST country on Earth?!
Tori: Yeah.
Sikowitz: Jade, don't be such a Crabby Cathy.
Jade: I have every right to be a Crabby Cat- (they look over at Beck being fawned on by the local girls) Uh, Crabby Cathy is about to get a little bit crabbier.
(Beck shrugs)
Cat: I think those girls like Beck's fluffy American hair.
Jade: Clearly. (she advances) Hey! Get your hands off my boyfriend's head!
(The girls hiss at her, she hisses back, and they run frightened)
Jade: You're really gonna let your screechbox of a sister sing with us?
Tori: The guys are gonna keep her mic turned off.
Jade: (imitating Tori) "Oh, that's swell news!" (walks off)
Tori: I DON'T talk like that!
Jade: Whatever.
Tori: ...Do I talk like that? (in the same voice) DO I TALK LIKE THAT? No, I don't talk like that.
Chancellor: ADMIT you did this to me on porpoise.
Tori: No! It was just a shoe malfunction!
Chancellor: ADMIT you did this on PORPOISE, and your punishment will be not as bad.
Tori: BUT I DIDN'T DO IT ON PORPOISE!
Tori: Uh...go fish. (gets hit by a stick that one of the prisoners playing with her is holding, and falls to the ground. She then gets back up) ...Okay, that is not how we play Go Fish in America!
Jade: Ok, so you're telling me that freak show is a girl?
Prisoner: What are you looking at?
Jade: I'm looking at a big stupid lady in prison, what are you looking at?
Prisoner: Grrr!
Jade: Ohhhh...me make big man-lady mad. (prisoner bangs stick against the fence and walks away) Oooh, good one! Hey, call me, we'll go skirt shopping!
Tori: Must you aggravate my fellow prisoners?
Jade: Yes, I must.
Andre: Man, eating salt is gross!
Tori: Not as gross as the prison food they make us eat in here!
Cat: One time, when my brother was in prison, he told the people in charge he was a vegetarian so they gave him special meals. (Tori looks weirded out) Oh wait, that was on an airplane.
Trina: Large scary lady coming toward us! Large scary lady coming!
Tori: Great! It's the one you called big and stupid the other day!
Jade: Whatever. I'm not scared of this chick.
Prisoner: So, do I still look big and stupid?
Jade: Alright, listen, hot stuff. You better just turn yourself around and walk away from me or- (prisoner shoves Jade to the ground) I like it on the ground.
(Prisoner picks up stick and raises it to hit Jade:
Trina: Uh, Tori, Tori!
(Tori stops prisoner and speaks to her in Yerbian)
Tori: She's my friend.
Jade: Yeah, yeah, we're super close.
Prisoner: (puts stick under Jade's chin) You are lucky. (says something in Yerbian, drops the stick and walks away)
Jade: I didn't need your help.
Tori: She would have eaten you!
Jade: She wouldn't have liked it. (Cat walks over)
Cat: Hi! Ew, Jade, you're outfit's all dirty.
Jade: (sarcastically) Oh, no, now I'll never win the prison beauty pageant!
Trina: Wait, they have that?
Andre: Beck?
Beck: Yeah?
Andre: I'm kinda scared.
Beck: We'll be okay.
Andre: Yeah, but what if we don't get out of here? How are we supposed to- (notices some guys offscreen) ...What are those guys about to do?
Beck: I think they're gonna throw rocks at us. (he and Andre run off screen as the rocks are thrown and hit the wall)
Andre: (runs back on screen) HEY! WE TOLD YOU WE DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY ROCKS! (runs as two more are thrown at him)
Andre: We're gonna die!
Beck: Don't act scared.
Andre: I'm not acting. (the prisoners step closer)
Big prisoner: (to Beck) YOU!
Beck: Me?
Big prisoner: HOW YOU MAKE YOUR HAIR SO...FLUFFY?
Smaller prisoner: TELL US!
Andre: Tell 'em, man! J-j-just tell 'em what they want to know!
Beck: Okay. Well, it all starts with a quality shampoo and conditioner.
Chancellor: Now TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME!
Officers: Yes, chancellor! (they salute, then do nothing for a few seconds)
Judge: NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
Officers: Oh, now. Okay, sure. (they take Tori out of the room)
Sgrodis: Hello bodys! Who wants mushroom?
Tori:: No one!
Cat: I love mushrooms!
Tori: Cat!
Cat: I hate mushrooms?
Sikowitz: Wait! Who's that guy?
Tori: He's...a woman.
Sikowitz: Dear Ghandi! (runs into the duck truck, and the episode ends as the truck takes off and passes by a pavement that reads "NO ESCAPING" while the gang cheers)

Helen Back Again

Tori: Okay, well. I’m going home now. Forever.
Beck: No. You’re not leaving this school.
Jade: She has to. [Everyone stares at her] I mean, I feel really bad about it. Seriously, but you know. Bye.
Tori: [to Jade] I think I'll miss you least of all.
Tori: [to her friends] You guys, I don't want to be alone when I tell Trina that she-[Everyone walks away from Tori]
Helen: And I thought Crazy Steve was crazy.
[After Trina kicks the dummy in the gongs]
Andre: You better put some ice on that!
Sikowitz: Hello. Your attention please. Up here. I'm waving. See my hand moving to and fro. Please.
Jade: [stands up and yells aggressively] Everybody shut up!
Sikowitz: Ahh Jade, so sweet and feminine.
Tori: Wait, who are you?
Helen: My name is Helen. I'm the new principal of Hollywood Arts.
Tori: [to Robbie] You shouldn't park your bike there.
Sikowitz: Alright, Tori and Jade. You two are going to play husband and wife.
Tori: I'll be the wife.
Jade: Yeah, no kidding.
Sikowitz: Now, here's your brand new synthetically redheaded baby! (turns chair to show Cat in a baby bonnet)
Cat: Wait, before we start, I was just wondering, I have three quest-(Sikowitz puts pacifier in her mouth)
Sikowitz: All right, your dialogue should be all friendly and happy, but your subtext is anger, so you must say your happy lines angrily. Action!
Tori: Hey, I am so honkin' happy that we got married and had this cute little baby!
Jade: Ditto to that! I tell you, nothing warms my cockles more than lookin' at this magical pile of baby here!
Cat: Goo!

Who Did it to Trina?

Tori: How’s Trina?
Andre: Is she alright?
Cat: How’s the ranch house?
Lane: Trina's banged up but she's going to be fine. Nothing serious.
Sinjin: Well done, Foon Yee.
Lane: You're all suspects.
Rex: Awww, not again.
Tori: Suspects?
Andre: For what happened to Trina?
Lane: (nods) Uh huh.
Cat: But that was an accident.
Jade: Yup. A terrible hilarious accident. That already has seventeen-hundred views!
Lane: Posting videos of people's tragedies is just mean and wrong.
Jade: Yeah. No, thanks, I really appreciate your input on that.
(Jade giggles while watching her phone)
Cat: What's so funny?
Tori: Are you laughing at that video of Trina getting hurt?
Jade: No...I'm laughing at the comments.
Tori: You posted it online?
Jade: A little bit.
Robbie: Why'd you cast Trina as the lead girl?
Tori: I didn't want to. You know my Cuddly Cathy doll that I love and I've had since I was five years old?
Andre: Nah, I don't know what you're talking about.
Robbie: No, you've never mentioned it.
Tori: Oh. Well, Trina kidnapped her, and she wouldn't give her back unless-
Robbie: Unless you gave Trina the lead.
Tori: Yep.
Andre: That's jacked up.
Robbie: Yeah, but don't you think you're a little old to be playing with dolls?
Rex: Right!
Robbie: I know!
Rex: Hey, Trina.
Trina: What?
Rex: You wanna know my two favorite things about you? (Trina slaps him)
Robbie: Trina!
Rex: You don't know what I was gonna say!
Trina: Shut it, puppet!
(Tori tells her version)
Tori: Ok, it was about twenty minutes before the play. I heard Jade come in, yelling for Robbie.
Jade: (bursts in, as a monster) Blearrrrgh!!! Robbie!!! Me want Robbie, blearrgh!!!
Robbie: Ok, hold on. Hold on! There is another person that had a reason to get back at Trina.
Andre: Well, it's not me! All I wanna do is go play with Kiko!
Lane: Who else had a motive to get back at Trina?
Robbie: Cat.
(everyone looks at Cat)
Cat: Hi!
Tori: Cat?
Cat: Whatie?
Jade: Did you cut Trina's harness gimbel?
Cat: No, why would I want to hurt Trina?
Robbie: Cause of what happened between you two right before the play started.
Lane: Well, um...
Andre: Aw no, no! Now we gotta hear another version of the story from a unique point of view? (buries his head in a pillow on the couch and cries)
Robbie: Ok, um, it was an unusually windy day here in Los Angeles...
Tori: Get to the point.
Robbie: Ok, um, Tori had just accidentally whacked Sinjin in the jaw. And right about then Cat was helping me with my costume and feeling my muscles when Trina walked by and said...
Trina: (during Robbie's flashback) Hey Robbie, why don't you come backstage with me and help me do my makeup? Or whatever?
Robbie: You make me happy.
Cat: (to Trina) Why don't you just get outta here?
Trina: Why don't you?
Robbie: Ladies, come on now. Look, there's one of me, two of you, (puts his arm around both) and seven swinging days of the week.
Cat: He even makes math hot.
Trina: Robbie's mine!
Cat: He loves me!
(Trina hits Cat)
Cat: Ow! You thwacked my head! She thwacked my head! I'll get you for that, Trina Vega! I'll get you good!
Andre: So, none of you people want me to have a pretty girlfriend, is that it? I find myself a Kiko, I make myself a Kiko date, and nobody cares! Well, that's cool. Go on, Cat, tell us what happened. And start from the beginning. Just start with Adam and Eve and go from there!
Tori: (in Jade's flashback, to Jade after she has violently screamed at Trina and punched Sinjin) Why can't I be pretty like you?
(in Lane's office)
Tori: That's not even close to how it happened!
Jade: It's how I remember it.
Tori: Yeah, 'cause you're demented!
Jade: Oooohh, so you think I’m pretty and demented?
Tori: I never said you were pretty. And I never punched Sinjin.
Jade: But you admit you threatened Trina!
Tori: No!
Robbie: Wait, I did kinda hear you tell Trina you were gonna kill her.
(Lane looks at Tori in concern)
Cat: So did I. But if you’re gonna try to kill me, too, then all I heard was pretty music. (Everyone looks at her) La la la la la.........
Jade: (points to Robbie and Cat) Two witnesses.
Andre: Come on now, I know Tori and there's no way she'd ever- (phone beeps) Aw, it's Kiko. Tori's guilty, I gotta go!
Lane: Tell your story, Tori.
Cat: ‘Tori’s story!’ That’s so rhymie.
Cat: (after being told that her flasback is from a Drake & Josh episode) Oh. Then I don't know what happened with Tori and Trina. Can I have some oatmeal?
Rex: Nobody ever suspects the puppet!
Robbie: I thought you hated that word!
Rex: It's okay if I say it.
Jade: Well, I guess someone should get this on video.
(She records Trina hanging from the wire and the set being destroyed)
Jade: (to Cat) Thank you for making me come to this play.
Cat: That poor ranch house!
(Trina is still hanging from the wire then falls to the floor)
Cat: (hiding her eyes) Please tell me it's over...
(wall falls on Trina)
Jade: It's over.
Cat: Don't worry. One time, when my brother was in Vegas, he fell out of a fourth story hotel window and landed on the roof of a shuttle bus.
Tori: (looking worried) And he was okay?
Cat: No...
Tori: Well, but he's okay now?
Cat: No.. He seriously messed up.
Tori: Oh, come on! Nobody here would do that to Trina!
Jade: Except you.
Tori: What, me?
Jade: (imitates Tori) "What, me? Why I would never hurt my dear sister Trina. Not me sweet Sally Peaches!" (smiles innocently)
Tori: I don't TALK LIKE THAT!
Sinjin: I think Tori broke my jaw!
Jade: DUN DUN DUN!
Cat:(singing) La la la la la...
Lane: And since Trina wasn't seriously hurt, I say we can put this whole incident behind us-
Andre: KIKO!!! Kiko, ha ha ha! (jumps off the couch and runs out of the room excitedly)
Tori: (gives a "whatever" type of look)

Tori Tortures Teacher

(Tori and Andre walk in on Beck and Jade text fighting)
Andre: I wonder what they're text fighting about?
Tori: Let's ask 'em. Hey, you guys-
Beck: Stay out of it!
Jade: Back off!
Tori: (to Andre) I'd rather not get involved.
Andre: I think that's best.
Tori: Oh, come on, for his ten year teaching anniversary you guys don't think he deserves a better present than a one cup coffe maker?
Rex: They should have got him a pair of shoes. I'm tired of looking at that hippy's hairy feet.
Robbie: I think Sikowitz has cute feet.
Rex: Man, Sikowitz is ten minutes late.
Tori: Where is he?
Jade: Maybe he locked himself in a dark closet because you forced him to watch a play that made his whole life seem like a big pile of garbage. (pause) And I'm gonnna have a banana. (takes one)
Tori: You know, why don't I just lie on the floor so you can start kicking me?
Jade: ...You have that dream, too?
(Tori, Andre, Robbie and Trina are sitting in a semi circle at the table, with a seat left open)
Andre: How come none of us ever sit on that side of the table? (they all stare at the empty seat)
Sikowitz: Tori. And, um...Elvis. Get up on the, uh...stage thing.
Tori: Kay...
Beck: Sure. (they do)
Tori: Alright. What'cha uh, want us to do?
Sikowitz: Um...a scene. You both have the same line. "Life is pain." So, you just keep saying that to each other. Over and over. Do it, action.
Tori: Life is...pain.
Beck: (waves) Life is pain.
Sikowitz: It certainly is, ding, there's the bell, class dismissed. (walks out the window and falls into the bushes)
Jade: Way to go, Tori. You broke Sikowitz!
Tori: I did not break Sikowitz. (Sikowitz can be heard moaning) I did not break Sikowitz... (he moans again) ...I broke Sikowitz! (he moans a third time as she puts her hand on her head displeased)
(Sikowitz says something in Spanish)
Tori: That means 'I forgot to wear underwear'.
Sikowitz: Are you sure? Because I thought...(checks) Yep, it does.
Tori: (to bunny) Wanna watch CSI?

Jade Gets Crushed

Robbie: Well, I'm awesome at song lyrics.
Rex: No, he's not. Run! Save yourselves!
Beck: Jade's not here yet?
Andre: Um, about Jade...
Beck: Yeah?
Andre: Look, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know if she's the right girl to sing my song.
Beck: Why not?
Andre: I dunno, I just...she scares me.
Beck: Jade scares you?
Andre: She scares everybody.
(Jade bursts into the room with a pair of scissors)
Jade: I am gonna kill him! (Andre backs off)
Beck: What happened?
Jade: Sinjin sat on my new scissors!
Beck: Ok, calm down-
Jade: I am not gonna calm down! They're bent! They've lost their sciss! (she throws them across the room and they stick to the wall)
Beck: (after a pause) You kids have fun.
Tori: Where'd you get those standees of Cat?
Robbie: Well, I just...brought 'em from home.
Tori: Why do you have-
Robbie: I'm a tutor, and I don't like to talk about things I do at my house!
Tori: Sorry.
Robbie: Ok, remember everything we went over?
Tori: I think so.
Robbie: Good. Now if you can do this last exercise in under thirty seconds, you should be able to pass your exam, no prob.
Tori: Does Cat know you have these?
Robbie: No...and don't tell her!
Tori: Come on..you were tired, it was almost midnight. You were alone together and you were writing a song..that's an emotional thing! Maybe you just forgot that she's a mean vicious girl with deep psychological problems..
André: Yeah..maybe I just forgot those things..

Terror on Cupcake Street

Sikowitz: See? Not so easy to perform a scene when you have a bucket on your head, is it?
Tori: ...No.
André: It's difficult...
Sikowitz: Mm.. Yes. Well, class dismissed.
Jade: But we still have more time.
Sikowitz: We do? How much?
Robbie: 55 minutes.
Sikowitz: Oh. Oh! Well, actually I do have something I need to discuss with...some of you. Tori, Cat, Andre, Robbie, Jade, please stay. The rest of you may wander the halls. (everyone leaves except them) Thanks for coming, enjoy your day, I'm here all week. Tip your nurses and clowns. (he shuts the door after they all have left)
Cat: Why did you make them leave?
Sikowitz: I don't know...they never talk.
Tori: ... Yeah, they just sit there and, (makes a reaction) 'react'.
Jade: So what do you want with us?
Sikowitz: Who likes parades?
Robbie: Antonio Banderas!
Rex: Hillbillies!
Jade: No one!
Sikowitz: Oh, c'mon, parades are fun!
Cat: One time my brother was in a parade, but he was inappropriate, so the parade people called the police, and now he's not allowed to be in parades. (pause) Or be near horses.
Jade: Play with the pretty keys.
Cat: Kay-kay. (takes the keys and plays with them)
Cat: Yay, Cupcake Power! Wooo!!!
Jade: Hey, Cat! Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat. (Cat stops) YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!
Jade: Give me my keys back. (Cat gives them back) Where's my house key?
(Cat moans)
Tori: ... I'll take her to the nurse.
Cat: (quietly) I swallowed it.
Tori: We'll see it again.
Cat: Okay (sigh)
André: Okay.
Robbie: Parade float.
André: Ideas.
Cat: What do we have so far?
Tori: Let's see... Oh, we have two. 'A tribute to the fruits of Mexico', and... 'Need good Idea for float.'
Rex: What was wrong with my idea?
Tori: No one wants to see a parade float called 'The Ladies of North Ridge.'
André and Robbie: Well...
Tori: Come on, guys, be serious. (Trina enters) You wanna look dumb on national tv?
Trina: (drops her glass) Who's gonna be on national tv?
Cat: We're performing in the Parade Parade.
Trina: I'll do it!
Tori: Trina...
Trina: No, seriously, I'll sing or dance, I can just stand on the float right in front and be the pretty girl. I can totally be the pretty girl...
Tori: Alright, let's put it to a vote. All those-
Andre, Robbie and Cat: NO!!!
Trina: Fine! I don't wanna be in it! I wouldn't be in it if you begged me! (Trina storms out and slams door, then opens the door after a pause) Just let me be in it?
Everyone: No!
Trina: I don't even wanna be in it! (she runs into Jade on the way out)
Jade: Your sister just elbowed me in my lung!
Robbie: I'll get you some ice.
Jade: Sit down!
Tori: I'm sorry, did someone invite you here?
Jade: Beck told me you guys were appearing on national tv?
Tori: So?
Jade: And you think you're doing that without me?
Andre: You stormed out of Sikowitz's class! (Jade advances towards him threateningly) I feel that Jade should be included.
(Beck and Andre are wearing their pajama costumes)
Andre: We don't wanna wear these!
Cat: Why don't you guys like your costumes?
Beck; (looks down at his costume in disbelief) W-why?
Cat: They're candy jammies, they go perfect with our cupcake theme.
Robbie: Yeah, they do. I think they're rad cool!
Jade: (sarcastic) Yeah, they look adorable.
Tori: You know, she wants us all to wear them.
Jade: (turns to Cat) I will pop your head like a zit.
Cat: (holds her hands to her head) Graphic.
Cat: What street are we on?
Rex: Yeah, what street?
Beck: Let's just say...it ain't Sesame Street.
Cat: I love Sesame Street. (starts singing) Sunny--
Jade: NO!!!
Robbie: I'm gonna go get some help!
Everyone: Okay
Robbie: Hey! Hey! Can you help us? we need our tire fixed!
Thug: We'll fix your tire real good!

Season 3

A Christmas Tori

Robbie: Ho, ho, and ho.
Cat: Hi, hi, and HI!!!
Robbie: Ho ho ho! And...jingle bells. (Andre reaches for Robbie's chair.)
Tori: No no Andre, don't do it, don't-(he knocks the chair over and Robbie falls to the floor.) Ohhh, you did it.
Jade: I bet that jingled his bells.
Andre: How do you go from an A to a D so fast?
Jade: That happened to me in eighth grade.
Sikowitz: Jade! You're Tori's Secret Santa, and that be that.
Jade: But why do I have to-
Beck: (very fast) He said he's not gonna change it, so just deal with it, why don't you just deal with it, why don't you just deal with it?!
Sikowitz: (puts his arms on Beck) His heart is vibrating. How much coffee have you drunk?
Beck: A lot, like, a lot. I don't know, like, maybe seven cups, a lot, is there a problem?
Tori: Look! It's a little...ceramic guitar. I made it at Color me Pot.
Trina: I thought Sikowitz said that your Secret Santa gifts have to be really special, and creative.
Tori: He did.
Trina: Well, that's ugly. And useless.
Tori: No, it's cute. And look. You can pretend to play it, like... (pretends to strum it like a real guitar) DER NAO NAO! TORI GAVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS PRESENT, AND IT'S A TINY GUITARRRRRR! (Trina starts to leave) ...Why are you walking away?
Trina: 'Cause i'm embarrassed for you!
Tori: THAT WAS MEAN...
Cat: Christmas beef?
Andre: Yeah, sure. (takes a piece but then gets suspicious) ...Wait. Who made this?
Cat: My brother!
Andre: Uh-uh. (puts it back)
Cat: Why not?
Andre: 'Cause last month I had his Thanksgiving sausage and i'm still a mess.
Beck: Mister Robbie Shapiro.
Robbie: Hey, Beck!
Beck: Let's talk Secret Santa.
Robbie: You're my Secret Santa?
Beck: Merry Christmas, Rob! (gestures behind him, and Christie comes out)
Robbie: You bought me a girl? (claps hands excitedly)
Beck: No, no. Remember you used to talk about that bully, the one that used to beat you up when you were seven?
Robbie: Yeah, Christie Vacaras. I hated that beefy little witch. Her and her mean face.
Beck: And you always say you'd kill for just one chance to tell her off?
Robbie: Yeah?
Beck: Robbie, Christie Vacaras.
Robbie: You found her? You're Christie?
Christie: So, you want to tell me off?
Robbie: Well...I did. But now you're hot!
Beck: Maybe you kids should go to Jet Brew and talk things over.
Robbie: I'm not paying three dollars for a cup of coffee. (Beck rolls his eyes and gives Robbie some money) Ooh, this'll buy coffee and scanes.
Beck: (correcting Robbie) Scones.
Robbie: Maybe in Canada.
Beck: Merry Christmas, Rob!
(Robbie takes Christie's hand and walks away)
Christie: Your hand is sweaty.
Robbie: I know.
Cat: Hi, Secret Santa time!
Jade: (gestures to Beck) You mine or his?
Cat: Yours! For you!
Jade: (snatches gift) Give it!
(Tori comes over)
Tori: Hey, guys, can I ask you-
Jade: Shut up! I'm opening a Christmas Present!
Tori: Grunch
(Jade opens gift)
Jade: Oh, my God, Cat, you did not.
(Cat squeals and giggles)
Beck: Scissors?
Jade: They're special scissors!
Beck: Ok.
Cat: They're from a real movie!
Jade: I cannot believe you got me these.
Tori: What movie are the from?
Jade: "The Scissoring."
Tori: Wait, that one about the girl that comes back from the dead and uses a pair of scissors on her two best friends?
Beck: Yep.
Jade: (twirls scissors and looks at Tori) Starting with the pretty girl.
Tori: Oh. Um...anyways. You guys I'm Andre's Secret Santa, and I have like, no clue what to get him.
Cat: Just get him a present!
Beck: Oh my god...
Tori: (touches Cat's shoulder) Okay, help me, please! I don't want to give him the worst present, and then have to go Christmas yodeling with Sikowitz.
Jade: Two words.
Beck: I bet they won't be helpful.
Jade: Your problem.
Beck: I was right.
Sikowitz: Courtney! Merry Christmas from your Secret Santa.
Sinjin: What'd you get?
Courtney: A cricket.
Sinjin: That's hot.

The Breakfast Bunch

Mr. Dickers: Well, well. It's 7:06 here in Los Angeles. That means that in Australia, it's yesterday! (pause) Or tomorrow.
Robbie: Y'know, in Australia, when you flush the toilet, the water swirls backwards.
Mr. Dickers: Put a sock in it, Afro! You clowns are gonna sit in here all day and think about why you're in detention! (Jade leans back and spits her gum in the air; Rex leans back and catches it in his mouth) Now, cellphones! Let's have 'em.
Beck: Why?
Mr. Dickers: Because in detention, there are no phone calls!
Beck: What about texting?
Mr. Dickers: NO.
Andre: E-mail?
Mr. Dickers: NO!!!
Tori: Can we play Grumpy Gerbils?
Cat: I love Grumpy Gerbils!
Robbie: I can't get past Level 23.
Mr. Dickers: ZIP IT, corn pie!
Jade: Can we have corn pie?
Mr. Dickers: SHUT UP! (brief pause) PHONES!!! (the gang all put their phones in the box) Now...i'm gonna put your box of phones right here! (puts them on top of the bookshelf. Tori then raises her hand) What, "princess"?
Tori: I was just wondering what the plan is for lunch.
Mr. Dickers: Well if you pre-turds get hungry, there's a big plate of tuna right here! (points to it)
Robbie: Um, technically, sir, if perishable foods aren't kept at either below 34 degrees or above 140 degrees-
Mr. Dickers: Pipe down, side salad! Eat the tuna or starve! I could care less!
Andre: I think you mean you couldn't care less.
Mr. Dickers: What's that?
Beck: You said you could care less.
Tori: Which implies that you do care, at least a little bit.
Mr. Dickers: I don't.
Beck: Well, then you should have said, you couldn't care less.
Robbie: But you did not.
Cat: Hey, what about the guy who first landed on the moon? He said "One small step for man." I would've just said "Oh, my god, I'm on the moon!" (Beck smiles)
Mr. Dickers: Alright, not another word!
Jade: Word.
Mr. Dickers: That's it, West, you just bought yourself another Saturday detention.
Jade: Did I get a good deal on it?
Mr. Dickers: You just bought yourself another one! (Cat yelps and buries her head in her hood)
Jade: Okay, look, i'm sorry, I apologize.
Mr. Dickers: That's three! THREE Saturdays!
Tori: But she was apologizing!
Mr. Dickers: Okay, Vega, now you got one!
Tori: Why?
Mr. Dickers: Boom! Another one!
Tori: I don't want another one!
Mr. Dickers: That's three! You want to to try for four?
Tori: I really don't!
Mr. Dickers: That's four! You want five?
Jade: YES!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Dickers: Okay, Vega, you just got five!
Tori: What?!
Cat: (silently) Tori, stop!
Tori: Stop what? Jade said yes!
Rex: I guess he's afraid to give one to Robbie. (Robbie covers Rex's mouth as Mr. Dickers comes to him)
Mr. Dickers: Oh, yeah? I got one for you, too, Fudge Sack! Anybody else? Huh? Anybody? (no one speaks) You mess with the cow...you get the udders! (Dickers leaves the library as the door closes)
Tori: FORGET YOU!!!
(Tori takes her taco)
Tori: Ooh, still warm.
Andre: Well, they were in Robbie's pants.
Beck: Can you not say that again?
Jade: Cat, you're not eating your taco.
Cat: (nervously) Yeah, it's 'cause I'm - I'm like - I'm too excited to eat it, you know. Tacos, yay! (the cheese from Cat's taco fell off)
Jade: VEGAN.
Cat: I am not.
Jade: Then eat your taco if you're not a vegan.
Beck: You know what I can go for in now?
Andre: Tacos?
Beck: How'd you know?
Andre: I felt you, dawg. (Beck smiles)
Tori: Tacos. Those are really good right now.
Jade: (while ripping paper) I'm down for tacos.
Robbie: (nervously) Yeah. I love tacos.
Jade: (about Cat) Look who's being real quiet.
Cat: I'm just not that hungry right now.
Jade: Yeah, why don't you tell everyone the truth?
Cat: Leave me alone.
Andre: What's going on here?
Jade: (goes to Cat) Our pristine little friend Cat has never had a taco.
Cat: I'm not that pristine. (pause) Wait, what's pristine mean?
Jade: (to Cat) Are you a vegan?
Beck: Knock it off, guys.
Rex: What's a vegan?
Robbie: It's a person who doesn't eat meat.
Rex: I love meat!
Robbie: Shhh!
Rex: Don't shush me!
Jade: C'mon, Cat, tell us. Have you ever had a crispy corn shell, filled with meat...lettuce...shredded cheese... (Jade glares at Cat)
(Tori comes over)
Tori: Hey! Leave her alone.
Jade: What are you gonna do if I don't?
Tori: Well, I might just go online, to the Slap, and unfriend you. (Cat gasps)
Jade: Oh, really?
Tori: Two clicks. One to unfriend you, and one to confirm that I really wanna unfriend you. (Jade glares at Tori)
Andre: Hey, c'mon, y'all, how we gonna get some tacos?
Tori: I could call Trina, ask her to pick some up and leave them in my locker.
Robbie: (crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!
Tori: (confused) What?
(the group is avoiding Mr. Dickers in the hall when they run into some wet floor signs)
Tori: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The floor's wet.
Cat: We can't run across that, it's too dangerous!
Jade: Way to go, Tori. You just had to have your taco!
Robbie: We're dead...
Tori: No...just me. (stuffs the bag of tacos in Robbie's pants) You guys get back to the library.
Cat: What about you?
Tori: I'm gonna get Dickers' attention.
Beck: How?
Tori: (singing loud and off key while running and ripping posters) HERE I AM, ONCE AGAIN...FEELING LOST... (The screen cuts to Dickers turning suspicious and heading in the direction of the singing) YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO PUT YOUR DREAM IN ACTION, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FADE YOU'LL BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION...IN MY VICTORY, JUST REMEMBER ME, WHEN I MAKE IT SHINE-(bumps into Dickers)
Mr. Dickers: Oh, ho ho. I'm gonna make it shine. I'm gonna make it shine REAL good!
Tori: Listen-
Mr. Dickers: Aaaaaahhhh, you're in big trouble, Vega.
Tori: For what?
Mr. Dickers: For leaving the library, skinny jeans! And singing off-key! Come on. (pulls Tori by the arm)
Tori: I was running and singing at the same time, that's-that's really hard!
Mr. Dickers: Oh, SHUT UP!
Tori: Are we gonna be just like our parents?
Jade: When you get old, your butt sags.
Beck: And you can't find your pants.
Andre: Sometimes, I feel so much pressure, y'know, with my music. My cousin J.J., he's always telling me, "You know, you gotta be the best. You gotta be number one! Number one!!!" And I wanna tell him "Hey, man, get off my chizz!" But he drives me to school, and I don't wanna blow my ride.
Tori: (raises hand) I have a weird talent.
Robbie: (crying) You're so conceited, Tori! You're so conceited!
Cat: What's your talent?
Jade: Yeah, let's see it. (everybody joins in)
Tori: Okay. Okay. I'll show you. (Tori starts pulling out her socks ) Can't believe I'm doing this.
(Tori gets a bow and arrow and uses it with her own feet and the arrow hits a poster. All of them start talking in amazement)
Jade: (sarcastically) That was amazing! You learn that from your daddy? Your daddy know how to shoot a bow and arrow with his foot?
Beck: (after a pause) I'm sorry, did I miss something?
Jade: Go on, shoot another arrow.
Tori: Shut up.
Jade: Oh, c'mon, show us what your daddy taught you about foot archery.
Tori: Shut up!
Jade: Because my dad can't do anything with his feet!
Tori: That is not my fault!
Andre: Stop it!!! As teenagers, we are all under too much pressure!!!
(after a brief pause, everybody starts laughing)
Cat: (as Robbie starts to tackle Tori) Robbie!
(while everybody is laughing, Robbie blows raspberries on Tori's stomach)
(Tori and the gang are leaving when they walk past a man in a panda suit holding a balloon)
Jade: See you next Saturday. (Beck salutes the panda. Tori waves at the panda, who gave Tori the balloon as they leave. The panda waves back.)
(after Mr. Dickers has caught Tori and pulled her into the janitor's closet)
Mr. Dickers: That's the last time, Vega. That's the last time you run around these halls singing about making things shine!
Tori: What are you guys talking about?
Robbie: Nothing, nothing!
Jade: Robbie's trying to tell me that sometimes you both crunch the corn shell together.
(closing letter)
Rex: Dear Mr. Dickers. Goodbye from all of us. A puppet...
Tori: A future popstar.
Andre: A musician.
Beck: An actor.
Robbie: A nerd with temporarily straight hair.
Jade: A girl who likes scissors...
Cat: And me!!!!
Rex: Cat, they can't see you, baby.
Cat: Oh...it's Cat, bye!
Rex: Sincerely, The Breakfast Bunch. Even though we never had breakfast as a bunch.
(Beck and Andre are straightening Robbie's hair)
Andre: You look a lot better without those black curls in your hair.
Robbie: Hey! I like black curls. (pause) So why are you guys being so nice to me?
Beck: Because you're letting us. (Andre, Beck and Robbie laugh. Robbie attempts to hug Beck backwards)
(Tori shows everyone the tacos she got in her locker)
Robbie: Tacos. The girl has tacos. (Tori leaves, followed by Andre, Beck and Jade) They're tacos. (Beck pats Robbie)
Robbie: (to Cat) Do you approve of this? (Cat doesn't speak)

The Gorilla Club

Tori: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SICK?!
Cat: Is it eating tuna fish on a ferris wheel? ...Cause I did that once, and I threw up on a bird.
Trina: (reading the tracking number) Here it is, tracking number. A, K, 4, 5, 5, H, J, 1, 4, 7, 7, H, Y, 7, F, L, 4... (later) 6, Q, L, 4, K, 3, 2, A, M, T, Y... (later) K, L, 5, 4, 9, B, D, 6.
Jade: Will you stop that?!
Trina: Shush, they're about to tell me where my package is!
Receptionist: Your package was delivered at...8:21 PM.
Trina: 8:21?
Robbie: It's 8:21 right now.
Trina: Oh. (runs to the door) I don't see the-(gets hit by the package and falls to the floor)
Tori: Your package is here!
Andre: Uh, Elise! Hey, Elise!
Elise: Um... Andre? Right?
Andre: Andre. Yeah. So, uh, here's what's up. Some friends of mine might be going to the Gorilla Club tonight. And if you don't have any plans, I was thinking maybe me and you--- (Jades sneaks behind him)
Jade: HAMMER TIME.
Andre: Not now. All right. I'm trying to talk to this----
Jade: STOP! HAMMER TIME. (Jade plays a MC Hammer-like song on her PearPad. Then, Andre starts to dance like MC Hammer. Elise then leaves.)
Andre: (following Elise while still dancing) Wait! Wait, Elise! Don't walk away from a man who like Hammer dancing!
Tori: It's for a role in a movie, about a teenager whose parents send her to a home for troubled girls.
Cat: Oh. One time my brother went to a home for troubled girls.
Tori: Why?
Cat: To meet troubled girls.
(When Tori is practicing her audition as Sikowitz, Andre and Robbie watch her, Jade suddenly enters with a big boombox.)
Jade: HAMMER TIME.
Andre: Ugh!
Robbie: Darn it, oh! (Robbie and Andre stand up as Jade plays the boombox. A song similar to MC Hammer's starts to play and both Robbie and Andre start dancing like MC Hammer.)
Sikowitz: Oh my God!
Tori: His tush is lopsided!
Robbie: DON'T LOOK AT IT! (Robbie and Andre continue dancing)
Tori: (to the Gorilla) HAMMER TIME!!!!! (starts dancing like MC Hammer as the music plays)
Tori: People leave here alive, right?
Beck: Sometimes.
Andre: I think I just stepped in some blood. (a manager comes up to them)
Manager: (hands Tori, Andre, Cat, and Beck clipboards) Here. Sign 'em!
Tori: Why do we have to sign these?
Beck: It just says that if you try any of the challenges here, you won't sue the place if you get...dead.
Thug: She's not supposed to be laughing on the bunny!
Andre: Well, what do you want me to do?!
(Tori manages to win the Gorilla challenge)
Tori: TORI VEGA BEAT THE BIG BAD..... (suddenly, the gorilla attacks Tori)
(While Tori is preparing to take on the gorilla. Jade sneaks behind Robbie and Andre)
Jade: Hey, move!
Robbie: Why should we move?
Andre: We were here first!
Jade: Okay. (yells) HAMMER TIME!!!!!
DJ: Yeah! (the DJ plays the same MC Hammer-like song. Then, Andre and Robbie both start dancing like MC Hammer. Everybody starts to cheer on the two.)
Beck: You did it!
Tori: Shoosh yeah, I did!
Beck: WHO'S A ROCKSTAR?!?!
Tori: MEEEEEEEEE!
Beck: Whoo! (they hi-five) You are definitely a real risk taker!
Tori: I know! And to prove it even more you know what i'm gonna do RIGHT NOW?!
Beck: WHAT?
Tori: I'm gonna use the bathroom HERE! (jumps)
Beck: ...Sitting?
Tori: (in a menacing voice) Sitting.

The Worst Couple

Cat: Ooooh! What if we act out the final scene from Titanic? When the boats sink? ...Oh my god, I just gave away the ending! Spoiler alert! (laughs)
Andre: You know, whenever she starts talking, I think to myself "Maybe this time it'll make sense." I'm always wrong.
Tori: (after the Northridge girls help her plug her phone in) Yay! My phone came on.
Talking Reggie: Yay! My phone came on.
Tori: Aw, MAN!
Talking Reggie: Aw, MAN!
Andre: You got the Talking Reggie app?
Talking Reggie: You got the Talking Reggie app?
Tori: Yes... (she tries to shut it off)
Talking Reggie: Yes...
Jade: Turn it off!
Tori: Shut...up! (presses more buttons)
Talking Reggie: Shut...up! (Tori sighs)
Jade: Dolphins creep me out, so I will not go in the ocean!
Sinjin: JUST SAY A, B OR C!
Jade: B!
Beck: Maybe it was A!
Jade: I DON'T CARE!
Beck: I'M NOT HAPPY WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP!!! (pause)
Sinjin: ...We'll be right back with more of Queries for Couples.
Trina: (walks up next to him) Starring Trina.
Sinjin: STOP IT!
Robbie: What up, girlfriend?
Tori: Stop pretending we're a couple! The game show is over. [Squeezes Robbie's mouth]
Robbie: Amhh, I love you getting snippy with your prevent boyfriend who fixed your PearPhone without your attention.
Tori: You fixed it?
Robbie: Yep, your mobile phone is once again mobile.
Tori: What...what...what is this?
Robbie: Car batteries, from a Volvo.
Tori: So I'm supposed to walk around with these giant car batteries to power my phone?
Robbie: Or you can just buy a new GX and replace that one.
Tori: No, if I buy another GX I guarantee you the new XT will come out like the next day and then I'll be the pre-turd with the stupid GX while everybody else has the cool new XT.
Robbie: (touches her shoulder) Take it easy, baby.
Tori: (sternly) Robbie...
Sinjin: (while begging Tori and her friends to be the contestants for his game show) Don't blow this for me, Tori!!!!!!!!
(Beck is holding Jade while walking in the hallway)
Jade: I'm done talking about it!
Beck: No! We're not!
Jade: He's KIDNAPPING me! (shouting) You wanna see a kidnapper?! KIDNAPPER! Let go! (Beck brings Jade inside the janitor's closet) KIDNAPPER!
Beck: This is not funny.
Jade: Right! What's funny is you freaking out over a dumb game show!
Beck: We were voted worst couple. And the other two couples weren't even real couples! And one had Robbie in it!
Jade: Why do you care if we were voted worst couple?
Beck: It's a matter of- (Cat walks in with three spoons)
Cat: Is this a closet party? Look, I have spoons!
Beck: Cat, come here. We need your opinion on something.
Cat: On global warming?
Beck: No.
Cat: 'Cause I don't think that's really happening.
Beck: Cat...
Cat: Seriously. I went to the movies the other night, and it was so cold...
Beck: CAT!
Cat: Hi. (waves her arms)
Beck: We need your opinion on us.
Jade: Why not just ask a monkey?!
Cat: I saw a movie about a monkey! He wore glasses and carried a gun.
Beck: Don't you think Jade and I fight a lot?
Cat: Sure.
Jade: Yeah, but all boyfriends and girlfriends fight a lot, don't they?
Cat: Well sometimes, we-
Jade: Yes or no?! (Cat yelps)
Beck: LET HER TALK!
Jade: You never listen to me talk!
Cat: Can I go now?
Jade: No! (grabs Cat by the backpack) What is your point here, anyway?!
Beck: I would like to have a girlfriend I can talk to without it turning into a screaming match!
Jade: Yeah, well i'd like a boyfriend who other girls don't stare at all the time!
Cat: I thought this was a closet party.
Beck: HOW IS IT MY FAULT GIRLS STARE AT ME?!
Jade: Oh, you could look worse if you wanted to.
Cat: (panicked) I'm under my bed, i'm under my bed, i'm under my bed... (puts her hands on her ears while gasping)
Beck: I can't believe how jealous you get.
Jade: Oh! Oh, so you think I'm ugly.
Beck: What?! (to Cat) Who sai-did I say she was ugly?!
Jade: Cat thinks we're a perfect couple!
Beck: Cat, are Jade and I a perfect couple?
Jade: DON'T ANSWER THAT!
Beck: Answer it!
Jade: SAY NOTHING!
Beck: Come on!
Jade: YOU COME ON! (Cat faints and drops her spoons)
Beck: We made Cat faint.
Jade: I'm late for class. (Jade leaves)
Beck: We're gonna have to finish this sooner or later!
Jade: Later!
Beck: (leaves the closet and walks past the janitor) Hi.
(the janitor enters the closet. Cat is still lying on the ground. The janitor, who did not notice Cat, gets a sledgehammer and a bundle of rope. Suddenly, Lane walks in.)
Lane: Hey, Luth. There's somebody spilled a soda on the floor in the gym and it--- (both Lane and the Janitor saw Cat lying on the ground unconscious)
Lane: (in a disapproving tone) Oh, Luther. WHY?
(Tori, Cat, Andre, Robbie, Trina and Rex are playing poker and discussing Tori's phone)
Andre: Just buy yourself another Pearphone GX.
Tori: No, if I buy another GX, they're (everyone joins Tori) gonna announce the XT the next day, and then everyone will have a new XT and I'll be stuck with the stupid GX.
Rex: I'm so sick of hearing that.
Tori: Well, there's no need for you guys to mock me simultaneously.
Tori: Oh! Great, it's-it's you guys!
Beck: See? They're all here. I told you, they'd all be here.
Tori: Listen, I am sorry that we didn't invite you guys to play, but, uh-
Beck: Tell her why you didn't invite us to play.
Tori: Well...cause...we were...planning your surprise party...?
Jade: What?!
Andre: Alright! We didn't invite you guys to play because you two are always screaming at each other, and it makes everybody feel awkward, it makes Cat faint, and sometimes it makes Robbie cry!
Robbie: One time! I cried one time!
Rex: Six.
Robbie: Six times!
Beck: See?! We fight so much, even our friends don't want us around!
Jade: Tori's not my friend, I only tolerate Robbie, noone likes Trina, and Cat's basically a pet.
Cat: Arf!
Trina: Are you guys gonna let her say that nobody likes me?! (Beck and Jade both turn to Tori then back)
Tori: So...why don't you guys play cards with us. (touches Jade's arm then walks to the table)
Beck: Look, I-I don't want to be your boyfriend if we're just gonna fight all the time.
Jade: So you wanna break up?
Beck: No, I-I didn't say that. I'm just saying...
Trina: Are...you guys might break up? Because i'm not dating anyone, and I always thought Beck and I would make the perfect- (Jade throws a pillow at her, and she stands shocked)
Jade: Next time it's a hammer! C'mon, Beck, take me to get some food.
Beck: I'm tired of fighting.
Jade: Ok. I'm gonna walk out that door, and I'm gonna count to ten.
Cat: Don't forget three. (everyone looks at her) Some people forget it.
Jade: If I get to ten and you're not out there, I'm going home. And we're over. (Jade goes outside) ONE!
Trina: (while touching Beck seductively) I would never fight with you.
Jade: TWO........THREE.... (Cat claps)....FOUR........... (Beck heads to the door)....FIVE..... (Trina follows Beck to stop him).......SIX..... (Trina jumps on Beck and pins him on the floor)
Tori: TRINA! (Tori, Andre, Robbie and Cat go to Trina)
Trina: Just give me a chance!
Beck: Stop!
Trina: Just give me a chance!
Beck: Get OFF! NO!(Andre and Robbie pull Trina off of Beck)
Trina: I'm a really fond girl... (Robbie pins Trina)
Beck: (to Trina) No! You're not!
Trina: (while holding Beck's leg) ...and so good looking!
Beck: Stop! What are you doing?! Stop! (Beck stands up and goes to the door)
Jade: ......SEVEN..... (Beck holds the doorknob and stops) ......EIGHT........... (Beck looks at Trina, who is pointing herself and winking) ..........NINE............ (Andre, Cat and Tori glare at one another).......TEN!!! (Jade stops while Beck is still inside, holding the doorknob. Jade goes to the door but steps back and leaves. Inside, Beck lets go of the doorknob while he hears Jade's car leaving)
Beck: Let's play some cards.
Tori: (sadly) Yeah..... let's play.... (everybody goes to the table to play cards)
Cat: I'll pick up the cards.
Andre: Make sure you get all 52.
Cat: KK. 1,2,(skips the number 3) 4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11..... (Trina sits beside Beck and lies her head on his shoulder)
(Tori has bought a new Pearphone GX. Suddenly, Trina walks in)
Trina: Hey. Look what I got, everyone. (shows her new Pearphone XT)
Robbie: The new Pearphone XT?!
Trina: Yep. (Tori, surprised, looks at the phone)
Tori: What? No, no, no, no, no..
Trina: Uh huh. They just hit the Pear Store this morning.
Sinjin: (also holding a Pearphone XT) I got one too.
Boy #1: (also holding Pearphone XT) Same here.
Boy #2: Uh huh.
Boy #3: I got one.
Janitor: (holding also a Pearphone XT and a sledgehammer) I got a blue one...... with unlimited texting.
Tori: (furiously) DOG JAM IT! (goes to the trash can) Buh-bye! (drops the phone in the trash can)
Talking Reggie: Buh-bye! (Tori kicks the trash can and leaves) EEEEEEERRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andre's Horrible Girl

(Cat puts a dollar in the soda machine, picks a drink, takes it and immediately throws it in the trash. The bell rings)
Jade: Cat? Why'd you just throw your drink in the trash?
Cat: 'Cause I wasn't thirsty.
Jade: But...but you bought the-ah, forget it.
Cat: (to the puppy) Jade seems really mean, but don't worry, she is.
Cat: (Jade sits beside Cat) Yay, we're hanging out togethe-- (Cat is about to hug Jade)
Jade: NO!!! (Cat recoils)
Cat: I'm pretty sure we're not supposed-
Jade: (touches the guitar) Look! I'm touching the guitar, see. (in an Elvis Presley accent) I'm Elvis Presley and i'm touching my guitar. That's right, baby. I touched the boss' skull and now i'm touching my special guitar. (in regular voice) See? I touched the guitar and nothing bad happened. (guitar falls and crashes through the window. Cat stares in shock) ...That guitar was not properly hung.
Tori: (upon hearing Andre knock frantically) Who is it? Are you a criminal?!
Andre: Not really.
Tori: It's open! (Andre comes in)
Andre: (takes off his jacket) Hey.
Tori: Aren't you supposed to be at Hope's party?
Andre: Yes. Yes, I am. I'm supposed to be at her birthday party, i'm supposed to perform a song, and i'm supposed to like her. But I don't! I don't like that girl at all! (takes a pillow from the couch) Not even a little bit! And I don't know WHAT TO DO! (slams the pillow on the couch)
Tori: Want some mashed potatoes?
Andre: No! I don't want any...(beat) Gimme the bowl. (takes the bowl out of Tori's hands)
(Jade attempts to put duct tape around the broken guitar. After doing so, Jade holds the guitar but it snaps again.)
Cat: Do you think my mom's boss would notice?
Robbie: (outside) Cat! Hey, Cat!
Cat: We're in here!
Jade: You called Robbie?!
Cat: Yeah, so he can help us put up the guitar and fix the window.
Jade: Robbie can barely work his zipper on his own pants! (Cat giggles)
Robbie: (entering the room holding a bucket of materials) What's up, little pigeons? (Suddenly, Beck enters, also holding some materials, which leaves Jade surprised)
Cat: Hi.
Jade: (to Cat) Why did you invite Beck?!
Beck: (to Robbie) You didn't tell me Jade was gonna be here?
Robbie: I didn't know!
Beck: (to Jade) I thought you had a date tonight.
Jade: Why'd you think that?
Beck: It said so on your Slap page.
Jade: Why you stalking my Slap page?
Beck: Why do you care?
Cat: Why is Robbie's zipper down? (Robbie notices and pulls it up)
Jade: Look, let's just get this stupid guitar fixed and hung back up there before Cat's mom's boss gets back.
Cat: We have to fix the window, too.
Robbie: Oooh! I'll find a window repair company using the new feature on my PearPhone. (his PearPhone dings) I need a window repair company in Beverly Hills.
PearPhone: (ding) Checking for...adult diapers. (Cat, Jade and the puppy all look questioned)
Robbie: N-n-n-n-n-no, that was my last search.
(back at the mansion, Robbie and Jade fix the guitar while Beck and Cat talk to the window repair company worker)
Beck: Thanks for fixing the window.
Cat: Yeah. And we didn't even notice you lack of hair. (the worker leaves as Cat waves)
Beck: Guitar all good up there?
Robbie: Yep-per-die-doo.
Jade: Yeah! And look. You can't even see where it broke.
Robbie: Nope.
Cat: Yay! My mom's boss will never know anything bad happen!
Robbie: (picks up the skull) Whoa! Is this a real human skull?
Jade: Yeah. Give it, so I can put it back.
Robbie: No. I'm looking at it.
Jade: (gets the skull) Robbie, give it to me. (Jade and Robbie start to fight about the skull)
Robbie: Shut it.
Jade: Stop!
Robbie: Just----
Jade: Robbie! We don't have time!
Robbie: Just---
Jade: Fine! (Jade drops the skull)
Robbie: I say--- (the skull falls at the glass table, breaking it. Cat gasps. At the same time, the guitar swings and destroys a lamp. Cat yelps and starts to cry)
Jade: Don't cry.
Cat: But--- (the buzzer suddenly buzzes)
Robbie: I heard a buzz.
Jade: Zip up your pants! (Robbie does so)
Cat: (clicks the buzzer) Hello?
Mr. Gibbons: Cat. It's Cal Gibbons. I forgot my key, would you buzz me in?
Cat: It's my mom's boss!
Mr. Gibbons: Could you buzz me in?
Cat: Um. Sure I could. Or maybe you could go to yard for two weeks.
Mr. Gibbons: Cat, buzz me in.
Cat: (Cat does so) Kay-kay. (after doing so, Cat starts to cry and as Beck pats her back, she goes to a chair and cries completely)
Jade: Cat.
Robbie: It will be okay.
Beck: If he gets up here, we'll just explain and---
(suddenly, an earthquake hits the mansion)
Robbie: What's happening?
Jade: EARTHQUAKE!
Cat: Earthquake!
Beck: (grabs Cat) Okay. Everybody down! Cover your head! (Beck covers Cat and himself as Robbie hides under a small table and Jade protects herself with a pillow while the dog barks. The earthquake destroys many...many...many... things. The scene suddenly cuts to Nozu where the earthquake also hits. Tori hides under the round table along with the other guests.)
Mrs. Lee: Everybody get down! I don't have insurance!
Hope: Protect my birthday presents! Somebody protect my- (a giant sign falls on her head, knocking her out. The earthquake stops and everybody stares at a moaning Hope. Andre then smiles.)

Car, Rain & Fire

Tori: And why are you all sad?
Cat: How do you know i'm sad?
Tori: Well, you're dressed in sad colors, and you were playing a sad song...oh, and you're wearing a button that says, "I'm sad, ask me why." (touches it)
Trina: I put this stupid chicken in the oven three hours ago, and it's still not cooked!
David: Ok, um...couple of things. You didn't turn the oven on. This is a turkey. And, um, yeah, it's still frozen.
Trina: Well, what am I supposed to feed Beck?
David: Does he like turkeycicles?
Beck: (after Trina kisses him) You bit my lip!
Trina: I tried to bite both.
Beck: I always knew you were anti-Canadian!
Andre: Well, what are you gonna do aboot it? Eh?
Cat: So you'll drive?
Tori: No.
Cat: Why not?
Tori: I didn't pass my driver's test.
Cat: Why not?
Tori: Because I didn't see the old lady in the wheelchair. (Cat gasps) ...I signaled before I hit her!
(in the car)
Jade: (driving) So, Cat, is there some reason your brother replaced his seat belt with a rope?
Cat: No. He just loves rope. (Jade looks at Tori and Cat's science project)
Jade: What is that thing anyway?
Tori: Oh, this is Cat's and my science project.
Cat: It's a robot with hamster power.
Tori: See, Mr. Hamster runs on this wheel and that creates electromagnetic electricity which flows through this transformer and powers... (in a robot voice) ...the robot.
Cat: Isn't it cool?
Jade: I don't know. All I heard was "hamster, hamster, science, science, Tori's boring, kill me".
Tori: (holding a muffin) You want a muffin?
Jade: Sure. (takes the muffin and eats it)
Cat: You brought muffins?
Tori: Oh, no. I found it under the seat. (in response, Jade spits out the muffin and throws it at the road) Not so boring now, am I?
Jade: All right, Vega! I'm gonna pull over----
Cat: Be quiet! I'm not gonna sit here and listen to the two of you fight for the next two hours!
Tori: She's the one-----FOR TWO HOURS?!!!
Jade: I thought we're just driving some dead actress' house and lighting a candle.
Cat: We are! Her house is in San Diego! (Jade suddenly stops the car with a screeching sound)
Jade: SAN DIEGO?
Tori: Cat! We gotta finish our science project before morning!
Cat: But---
Jade: No! I'm not driving this rolling chiz block to San Diego on the back! (Cat starts to cry)
Tori: JUST DRIVE THE CHILD TO SAN DIEGO!!!
Jade: All right! (Jade drives and Cat stops crying)
Jade: OH MY GOD! (she and Tori step back shocked)
Tori: What...is this?! (pulls a bag of fake feet out of the trunk)
Cat: Don't worry, they're not real feet.
Jade: But why does your brother have a bag of FAKE feet in the trunk of his car?!
Cat: I'm not gonna lie. My brother's pretty weird.
Tori: Why did you think that she was dead?!
Cat: I read it online! It said "Mona Patterson joins the dead!"
Mona Patterson: That's a new TV show, you dip. It's a story about me being cast in a show called The Dead. I played...David Schwimmer's wife.
Cat: Well...nice to meet you, i'm Cat.
Mona Patterson: Good. I have something nice...for cats. (goes inside her house then comes back outside with a water gun)
Tori: Whoa! Now just wait a second. (Mona is in aiming position) This girl made us drive two hours through the rain in a topless convertible just because she loves you, and your work. So, would it kill you to just be a little nice, and maybe-(they get blasted with water. Cat and Jade quickly run away but Tori stays) AHHHHH! CAN'T YOU SEE, WE'RE ALREADY WET?!?
Mona Patterson: Get off my property! (Tori screams as she does)
Beck: Will you tell this PUNKNUT that you like me?
Trina: Well...
Andre: Punknut?!
Beck: Trina...made chicken for me!
Andre: Don't you listen to her, she made a turkey! Why would you wanna date a Canadian that doesn't know one food bird from another?!
Trina: I have an idea. Um, how about the three of us eat the turkey together?
Beck: No. You pick him or you pick me!
Andre: Or maybe i'll pick you up and toss you right out that door!
Beck: (grabs him by the shirt) Oh, I would love to see you try!
Trina: Boys, I-
Robbie: Trina? (he is seen at the door with flowers) Trina, I brought you these... (sniffs) Did someone microwave a turkey?
Beck : Who are those flowers for?
Andre: They better be for Beck.
Robbie: They're for Trina.
Trina: What?
Robbie: Well, I heard the boys in the locker room said that Beck asked you out so I thought I asked you too. (Andre grabs a shovel and tries to hit Robbie, who runs while Beck and Andre chase him)
Beck: Trina want me, not you, idiot! (the three boys start to fight)
Trina: Boys, don't fight over me! Boys, come on! (Beck goes to Trina and holds her as Robbie throws the flowers to Andre, who retaliates by throwing him in the ground and preparing to hit him with a kettle)
Beck: Andre, no! (Trina tries to escape, but cannot because Beck holds her tight.)
Trina: Beck!
Beck: Don't go! (Andre repeatedly hits Robbie with the kettle) It's disgusting!
Trina: DAD, COME QUICK! THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER! (she gets out of Beck's clutches, then runs into the garage. The boys stop fighting and run behind the couch while laughing, implying that the whole thing was just a joke. Trina then pulls David out of the garage) And then Andre started hitting Robbie with a-(notices the boys are gone) Tea...kettle...
David: (notices the boys at the couch with puppets) What's going on?
Andre: We're doing a puppet show!
Beck: (in a British accent) I am the king.
Robbie: (in a high voice) I am the queen!
Andre: And i'm the little pussy cat! Meow!
Trina: But they were just...I swear I saw them in there, they were just...urgh!
David: Just...promise me when you go to college, it'll be some place far, far away. (leaves)
Beck: TRINA...DID YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON?
Robbie: ABOUT TELLING LIES!
Andre: Meow!
(Andre, Robbie and Beck jump on the couch in circles while laughing then proceed to leave the house)
(later, as Tori and Cat stay at Tori's house while their hamster project is working)
Tori: Come on, hamster!
Cat: All right there, Santa!
Tori: Yeah, baby! Whoo! (David comes to them)
David: Hey, girls. Uh. What was the name of that actress whose house you went to tonight?
Tori: Mona Patterson.
Cat: Why?
David: She's on the news. Channel Six. (David leaves. Then, Tori sits and turns on the TV.)
News Reporter: But by the time firefighters arrived on the scene, Mrs. Patterson's house was already engulfed in flames and could not be saved.
Cat: My candle.
Tori: No, we don't know for sure. (the news report shows some firefighters extinguishing the fire from the house) What's the things that could start a fire?
News Reporter: The cause of the fire? (shows Cat's candle) This cinnamon bun-scented candle. (both girls gasp in shock) Mrs. Patterson is now resting uncomfortably in St. Billy's Hospital. As for who left the burning candle at the door, police officials say the only clue comes from Mrs. Patterson herself, who dazed and confused from smoking occasion, was muttering something about a "cat", apparently with red fur. (Cat holds her head and gasps in horror) Of course, we had much of the story--- (Tori changes the channel to a cooking show)
Cat: (nervously) Tori?
Tori: Shhhhhhhhhhh.............. (the episode ends)

Tori & Jade's Play Date

Sikowitz: (entering the classroom) GOOD MORNING, LE OLD NUTENTS! (laughs in a Western style accent, then puts his coconut on the windowsill) Alright. Now, it's time for...bad news.
Rex: They found out coconut juice makes your hair falls out?
Sikowitz: (laughs) NO. We're going to do an acting exercise about giving bad news.
Jade: Why?
Sikowitz (imitating Jade, sarcastically) Why? To teach you that acting often involves choice in how to say things. For example, how do you give someone bad news and make it seem not so bad?
Cat: By telling them in a language they don't understand.
(during the rehearsal of the play. Jade, in-character, is seen crying as both Andre and Beck, also in-character, are in front of her)
Andre: What's wrong, mom?
Beck: You seem awfully upset.
Jade: Don't you understand? Your father's an astronaut. It's his dream to walk on the moon but now that might never happen because of his narcolepsy!
Beck: What's narcolepsy?
Jade: It's when you're always falling asleep even when you're not tired.
Sikowitz: (to Sinjin) Cardboard sound effect! (Sinjin clicks a button where it's being followed by a sound of a car alarm stopping)
Jade: (stands up, along with Beck and Andre) Oh, I just heard your father's car. Now, boys, no matter how narcoleptic he is, you pretend you don't notice. (notices Beck holding her apron) Don't touch Mommy. (pulls Beck's hand off her apron. After that, Tori, wearing a mustache and men clothes, enters)
Tori: (in a man voice) Nancy, boys, I'm home.
Jade: Hi, honey.
Andre: Hey, dad.
Beck: Hi there, dad.
Tori: (to Andre) Hello, Car--- (since Tori's character has narcolepsy, she falls on the sofa and passes out)
Jade: Oh. It's all right, boys. It's all right now. (comes to Tori) Honey. Honey. (Tori suddenly gets up)
Tori: I'M UP! I'M UP! (to Beck) So, Tommy. How was school today?
Beck: (his and Andre's characters are twins) I'm Carter.
Andre: I'm Tommy.
Tori: Ahh!! What kind of father am I?! I'm so darn narcoleptic I can't even tell my own twin sons apart.
Jade: It's not your fault they're identical. Look at them. (both Tori and Jade look at Beck and Andre)
Tori: Nancy, you're so--- (for another time, Tori passes out and falls in front of Jade)
Jade: Ahh.. Ooh.. Sweetheart! Darling!
Tori: (wakes up) BLAST OFF!
Jade: No. No, you were saying I'm so?
Tori: Right, uh, you're so good, gentle. How can you love a sleepy loser like me?
Jade: You are no sleepy loser. You are an astronaut.
Tori: I love you.
Jade: (strained) I love you.
Sikowitz: (the rehearsal ends) Eh, no you don't! Light the candle, Burf. This place stinks!
Burf: I don't have a candle.
Sikowitz: Then go get a better haircut!
Sinjin: Shake it off, Burf. He's just in a mood.
(Tori is slurping her soup loudly)
Jade: NO!!! (Tori takes another sip) Worst night ever.
Sikowitz: You girls meet me for dinner at Nozu. Tonight. 7 PM.
Tori: But, I don't want to-
Sikowitz: Nozu!
Jade: But, why you-
Sikowitz: (garbles fast and incoherently)
Jade: At least let us-
Sikowitz: (very fast) SEE THE BOTH OF YOU AT NOZU AT 7 PM! (leaves)
Sikowitz: Listen. I once did a show where I had to play a man in great pain. So to prepare, I threw myself down a flight of stairs. You wouldn't believe how many times I hit my head.
Jade: Yeah, we would.
Tori: We really, really would.
Tori: I admire how you're never afraid to say what you think.
Jade: That's stupid.
Tori: See?
Tori's Slap Status: Rehearsing a play. I have a MUSTACHE...and I think I like it. :{) FEELING: Hairy
(when Tori and Jade discover that the boys from Nozu are in the audience during the play)
Jade: What are we gonna do?
Tori: Run, Nancy!
Jade: Yes, Walter! (both Tori and Jade run off as the episode ends)
Sikowitz: You see, every time I cast a new play, you get your panties in a pretzel. So this time, you people will choose your own roles. (brings box of paper slips to Andre) Andre, pick a role.
Andre:: (reading off card) "Tommy, ten year old twin brother of Carter."
Sikowitz: (makes airplane noise and goes to Beck) Beck, pick a role.
Beck: (reading off card) "Carter, ten year old twin brother of Tommy." I guess we're twins.
Andre: Then Mama's got some explaining to do.
Sikowitz: (makes airplane noise and goes to Jade) Jade, pick a role.
Jade: (reading off card) "Nancy, loving wife of astronaut Walter Swain."
Sikowitz: (Robbie attempts to pick a role, but Sikowitz makes another airplane noise and goes to Tori) Tori.
Tori: (reading off card) "Astronaut Walter Swain.........husband of Nancy...."
Jade: I'm supposed to play her wife?
Tori: I'll just pick another card!
Sikowitz: No! My box has spoken!
Tori: Excuse me.
Chef: Hai.
Tori: Yeah. My date and I were wondering if you have a flight of stairs we could throw ourselves down.

April Fools' Blank

Tori: YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM...SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! (holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out) ...April Fools! (laughs and stands up) Yeah!
Jade: What are you, five years old?
Andre: (shrugs) Really.
Tori: But...today's April Fools Day!
Robbie: We really don't care.
Beck: April Fools Day is kind of for you know, little kids...
Andre: That's how we all feel. (he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them)
Tori: But...this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools Day would be a big deal here.
Cat: (stands up) WELL IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO JUST SHUT YOUR FACE, AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!
Mr. Belding: Thank you, Zack. (Cat sits back down) Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.
Beck: (laughs) Yes! Yes! YES.
Tori: Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? (Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse) WHOA! Okay-uh! (Mr. Belding runs out of the room)
Cat: Wait. Did you just say you wanted a face full of trumpet?
Tori: What do you mean, face full of-(Cat blows a trumpet in her face, and she falls to the floor. Drake Bell quickly comes in and gets her back on her chair. He then notices the audience and immediately flees the room)
Sikowitz: Wait, was that the Bell? (the bell rings) Oh, there's the bell. (holds his hands out and explodes. Tori gasps, as parts of his clothes and coconut fall to the floor)
Cat: Hey, girlie!
Tori: What? (Cat blows the trumpet in her face again and she falls to the floor. Cat then laughs)
Andre: Tori! Tori! Did you hear, did you hear the news?!
Tori: What? What happened?
Andre: It's war. It's war, Tori, it's war!
Tori: (points at him shocked) Is it Switzerland?
Andre: (grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her) Will you forget about the war?! We're gonna have a pop quiz!
Tori: But...you just said that...
Andre: It's true, I tell you! I just heard it from two boys in the bathroom! At the urinal. We're gonna have a pop quiz! A pop quiz is going down, Tori!
Tori: Oh...my god, I hate pop quizzes!
Andre: (grabs her and shakes her in the air) HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT A POP QUIZ WHEN WE'RE AT WAR?!? It's war, Tori! It's war! (puts her down) I gotta go recycle some aluminum. (starts running) Ah. Oh, say can you see- (his leg gets hit) AHHHH! (Tori gasps) AH, I'M HIT! ARROW! (falls down the stairs) AHHH! AHHH! Ow! I got hit in the leg by a swiss arrow. DANG THIS CURSED WAR! (two Congress-like men come in and drag him away)
Cat (Dorothy): Oh, Tofu...are you all right? Did she hurt you? She tried to, didn't she? It's awful hot in here. I'd better open a window! (places Tofu's fishbowl on the trash bin, opens window, and a fan blows) Oh, Tofu! Oh, noooo! (walks around dazzled then slams into stall door) Concussion! (falls to the floor)
(Eventually, she wakes up, and the place is in color.)
Cat: Oh my goodness. Tofu, well I have a feeling we're not in the Hollywood Arts bathroom anymore. (looks around) Oh no, wait, we are. It's just in color! (places Tofu's fishbowl on a sink)
Tori (the fairy): (flushes, then comes out of a stall) Well, hello!
Cat: Well, hello if you please! (takes her dress and holds it by the ends)
Tori: (shuts the door to the stall) Are you a good witch, or a sandwich?
Cat: Who me, well, i'm neither a witch nor a snack. You're talking some crazy chiz!
Tori: Well...you do have the ruby cellphone.
Cat: (takes it out of her pocket and gasps) Oh my goodness. Well this phone is beautiful! Were all my contacts transferred? (suddenly a storming sound is heard in a stall. Red smoke comes from it, then Jade comes out and spins)
Jade (the wicked witch): WHO TOOK MY RUBY CELLPHONE?! (to Cat) WAS IT YOU?!
Cat: Well I didn't mean to. Here, you can have it back.
Jade: Good...give it. (tries to take it out of Cat's hands but gets zapped) CURSES! I'll never be able to get that ruby cellphone as long as it's April Fools Day!
Tori (in normal voice): You know, speaking of that, are we really not gonna do anything for April Fools Day?
Jade: SILENCE! I'll get you, my pretty! And your little fish, too! (Cat runs over to Tori for protection)
Tori: Oh, be gone! You have no powers in this restroom.
Jade: The witch SNEERS at Dorothy! Then exits. (leaves the bathroom as she laughs evilly)
Cat: Oh my. She spoke her stage directions. Well, what am I supposed to do now?
Tori: Well...you are in a restroom. You could...wazz...
Cat: Tofu too?
Tori: Tofu too! (she holds her wand out as she backs into the door, opens it and happily leaves. A pink bubble surrounds her)
Cat: Oh, Tofu. I'm scared. And frightened...and afraid. Oh my goodness, those are all synonyms.
Beck (the Tin Man): How can we help you, Cat?
Cat: Well, I just want to get back to class...
Beck: Well, that's easy.
Andre (the Lion): First you just punch Robbie right in the face.
Robbie (the Scarecrow): Wait was that in the movie because I don't remember getting punched in the-(Cat does so, and Robbie is knocked into Beck's arms)
Tori: What's the big news?
Robbie: The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt!
Andre: What?
Robbie: In three and a half minutes, this whole school is gonna be covered in hot lava!
Tori: We only have three and a half minutes?
Andre: (pounds his fist on the table) The same amount of time as a commercial break.
Tori: What do we do?
Robbie: (grabs Tori's arm) I say we kiss.
Andre: Okay, c'mere.
Robbie: Not you! (to Tori) You. Kiss me, Tori. I want my last three and a half minutes to be spent with my face...smushed against your face.
Tori: Are there any other ideas?
Robbie: Tori, please!
Tori: ...Okay. (the two lean in to kiss, and the screen freezes)
Rex: Stay tuned...for the second half of Victorious. Or don't. I get paid either way.
(after commercial)
Rex: And now, we continue with the exciting second half...of Victorious. Press Play. (Tori is about to kiss Robbie, but Beck comes rushing in)
Beck: Tori! Andre. Have you heard? Have you heard the news?
Robbie: Later!
Tori: What news?
Robbie: I already told you! The Beverly Hills volcano is about to erupt! Now kiss me.
Beck: No, no, the new news!
Andre: What new news?
Beck: The Beverly Hills volcano has retired and moved to Florida. So it's probably NOT gonna spew hot lava all over Hollywood Arts! (everyone cheers)
Robbie: Wait! I just heard we're about to be attacked by killer butterflies! (everyone moans)
Beck: Wait! Sinjin has two big jugs of anti-butterfly spray! (everyone cheers again, but Sinjin is seen drinking the spray)
Sinjin: But I drank them! (everyone moans again)
Andre: (holding up an apple) Wait! I'm not gonna eat this apple! So you guys can all share it! (everyone cheers again, Tori's phone then goes off)
Tori: WAIT! I just got a text that says that apples make your hair fall out! (everyone moans again)
Sikowitz: What's done is done. (eats an apple out of a bowl of them)
(Tori goes into the janitor's closet and comes out in the elevator of the iCarly apartment)
Tori: Hey, Spencer.
Spencer: Sup, Tori.
Sikowitz: And your question is...Dumb Debbie was so dumb.
Cat, Beck, Andre, Robbie, Jade and Trina: HOW DUMB WAS SHE?
Sikowitz: She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...blank.
(Later, after the others have filled in their answers)
Sikowitz: Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
Tori: Day.
Sikowitz: Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. (clears throat) Andre!
Andre: Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... (takes his card and turns it over) Lobster. (a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)
Tori: That's the lobster-ah! (the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)
Sikowitz: All right now, get up! (she does) Jade! What's your answer?
Jade: Well I figured she was so dumb...she thought April 1st was April Fools... (turns her card over) Berry! (buzzer rings again) That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!
Robbie: Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! (everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)
Tori: No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! (the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)
Sikowitz: Alright, upsie daisy! (Tori gets back up) Robbie.
Robbie: Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?
Sikowitz: Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
Robbie: (turns his card over) Foot. (buzzer, the crowd boos) Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!
Sikowitz: Cat! Your turn.
Cat: Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!
Sikowitz: OH, yes!
Tori: CAT! Why would you remind him?! (the lobster charges at Tori) Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-(the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)
Sikowitz: Will you GET UP?! (she does) Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...blank.
Cat: I said... (turns her card over) Blank! (buzzer)
Sikowitz: Uh, Cat, I said blank.
Cat: (laughs) I love President Ford!
Sikowitz: ...We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. (Tori pats him on the back) Uh, Beck!
Beck: (in garbled accent) Well, i'm sorry Doc and I was starving, so I said... (turns his card over) Onion rings. (buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)
Tori: No. I know... (faints. The lobster then leaves)
Sikowitz: (laughs) Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.
Tori: Come on, Trina!
Trina: Well, I said... (reveals her card) Cut to the next scene!
(scene cuts to Tori's house where she waves her arms weirdly)
Tori: Ohhhhhh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!
Trina: But I want an Oompa Loompa now!
Tori: You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa-
Everyone (except Tori): HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Tori: It's not my birthday.
Everyone: TOUCHDOWN!
Tori: There's no football game.
Everyone: WHERE'S THE BEEF?
Tori: Okay, kids won't get that reference. And...it's April Fools Day!

Driving Tori Crazy

Tori: (while she is riding in Robbie's multi-seat bike) You said you had a car!
Robbie: This is a car. The car...of the future!
Cat: Tori! You missed first and second periods!
Tori: I know.
Cat: And you look all messy!
Tori: I know.
Cat: And that shirt is not a good color on you.
Cat: So Robbie drove you to school this morning?
Tori: Yes, but never again! I've gotta find someone else to drive me.
Cat: Well, I bet my brother would drive you. If you don't mind screaming.
Tori: Wait, you guys scream at each other?
Cat: No, sometimes he just screams. Like at trees. (pause) And busses.
Tori: Thanks, but I'll find someone else.
Cat: Why don't you just get a license like a normal teenage girl? (Tori give her the death glare) Bag o' rags?
Tori: See ya, Cat.
Cat: Have a ragarific day!
Tori's Slap Status: Jade is driving me to school. Um...awesome? FEELING: Endangered
Charlotte: Girl?!?! Will you hold my oatmeal for me?
Tori: Sure.
Charlotte: Put your hands out. (pours oatmeal into Tori's hands)
Tori: Why did you do that?
Charlotte: You said you'd hold my oatmeal!
Tori: Why didn't you just hand me the mug?
Charlotte: I'm not letting you touch my mug!
Cat: (to Dr. Rhapsody) So, why are you driving a partybus now?

How Trina Got In

Robbie: ...Oh, dear.
Tori: Robbie, I told you, nobody our age says "Oh, dear".
Robbie: Oh, my.
Tori: Or that.
Kwakoo: (singing while chopping squid) Chop, chop, chop the squid! Chop, chop, chop the squid! Chop, chop, chop the squid! Disappoint my father!
Jade: Oh tell us, oh great Beck who knows everything except how to keep a girlfriend happy.
Beck: You hate being happy.
Jade: Just tell the story!
Beck: Alright.
Mrs. Lee: You pay extra for the sushi and you pay the extra money.
Sikowitz: Trina is IN! Trina is IN! Trina is IN! Trina is IN!
Tori: I guess she auditioned and got in.
Cat: But she's untalented.
Tori: That's mean... And true, how did she get in?

Tori Goes Platinum

Beck: Here. I got a hoagie in my backpack.
Tori: A hoagie? (streches her arms) Oh, I need hoagie so bad! (Takes the hoagie and eats it)
Beck: Wow. You're chewing like it's your job.
Tori: I ate feet meat?
(Tori sits down in class wearing an outrageous outfit)
Jade: Oh, I'm sorry, were we all supposed to dress stupid today?
(Tori is dressed in one of her outrageous outfits)
Cat: Whoa, Tori. (unconvincingly) Cool outfit.
Tori: Thanks! Whatcha got there?
Cat: It's my sack of Bibble! It's really heavy, so I put it in a wagon.
Tori: And you needed to bring all of it to school?
Cat: I can't help it! (pause) It's so good.
Tori: I can't belive Mason bought you this much!
Cat: That's not even the sack he bought me.
Tori: What?
Cat: I finished that one. I went back and bought two more sacks! (pause) I think I may have a Bibble problem.
Tori: Well, it is pretty good stuff -
Cat: Don't touch it!!! (she drags away the wagon) My bibble.
Andre: Cat, that is a lot of Bibble.
Cat: Please don't look at it, it's all for me!
Jade: Cat, don't be stingy, just give him a little nibble of Bibble.
Cat: NO!!! (jumps on Bibble bag)
Robbie: Sikowitz, Cat has Bibble!
Sikowitz: Cat!
Cat: No, it's not mine, I'm holding it for a friend! (Sikowitz takes the Bibble away) But I need it...I mean, my friend needs it!
Andre: Cat, here.
Cat: What's this?
Andre: It's a special gum. If you crave Bibble, just chew some of that, it'll make you feel better. You just unwrap it and chew it -
Cat: I know how gum works!
(Jade is in costume backstage when Tori enters)
Jade: This isn't right.
Tori: Yeah, it is a little tight -
Jade: No, not the stupid outfit. This. Me.
Tori: I don't -
Jade: This is supposed to be your night. This was your big chance, so for me to go out there...
Tori: And?
Jade: I can't do that to a friend. Or even to you.
Cat: (shoving gum in her mouth) Yeah, Tori has a big problem.
Andre: Cat, maybe you want to back off on that Bibble gum -
Cat: Don't tell me what to do!
Cat: Can I just have one handful of Bibble?
Oliver: The answer is no!
Cat: But I just -
Jade: Cat!
Cat: Oh, hey.
Jade: Take this. Now Mason wants me to try the blue skirt.
Cat: Why doesn't he like this one?
Oliver: I think this skirt is pretty.
Jade: Just go get the blue one!
Cat: (sighs) C'mon, Oliver.
Oliver: First we had to get the red skirt, now we gotta go get the blue skirt.
Cat: Life is hard.
Cat: Does anyone have any Bibble?
Oliver: No. You gotta stop chasing that snack.
Cat: But it HURTS!!

Crazy Ponnie

Cat You guys! You guys, have either of you seen Jade?
Beck: Uh uh.
Andre: No, why, what's up with Jade?
Cat: She's trying to kill me!
Beck: Any reason?
Cat: We were hanging out together last night and she asked me to do her eyebrows.
Andre: Do what to 'em?
Cat: Make them look neater and nicer. Girls do that. We groom each other like monkeys.
Jade: [screams] WHERE IS SHE?!?!?!
[Cat screams and Jade runs after her. Sinjin plays the saxophone in a fast tempo to fit in with the chase. Lane, who enters the hall, stops Jade and Cat runs to Beck and Andre.]
Beck: What's going on?!
Jade: [reveals herself that her eyebrows have been shaved off] Don't... say... a word!
Cat: And thank you, Andre and Beck, for handcuffing Jade to the table.
Andre and Beck: No problem.
Jade: I'll get you!
Cat: I don't wanna be got!
Tori's newest status on TheSlap.com: I'm not crazy! There IS a PONNIE!!!
Ponnie: Lick my loafers, Debbie!!
Cat: (after Jade shaved all of her hair) I fell asleep during study hall. Jade found me.
Sikowitz: Aw, don't be sad, little one. I think your head looks great like that.
Cat: Of course you do.
Tori: Ah-ha!
Ponnie: What?
Beck: Excuse me, what's your name?
Ponnie: Linda.
Beck: That is Linda.
Tori: Yeah sure Linda the liar that is Ponnie!
Andre: You said Ponnie had brown hair.
Tori: She's in disguise (whispers loudly) that's Ponnie in disguise!
Ponnie: I just need 23 bucks.
Tori: Uh okay you guys go do whatever! i'm gonna have a chat with "Linda"

The Blonde Squad

Tori: Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be a blonde?
Jade: No.
Cat: I've wondered that. I've also wondered why lemonade is a drink and first aid is for the injured. Like, what if a thirsty person gets injured? Do you give them first aid first, and then lemonade? Or lemonade first, then second aid? (pause) Lemonade. (giggles)
Tori: (stares at Cat in disbelief) So, sushi?
Jade: Let's go.
Trina: Hey, Tori, here.
Tori: Is that a pair of my underwear?
Trina: Yeah, my allergies have been so bad today.
Tori: What?
Trina: Tissues make my nose red and sore. These are so soft. (blows her nose in them)
Tori: You've been blowing your nose in my underwear?
Trina: Yeah, they're like a giant soft hankie.
Tori: Giant?!?
(Robbie approaches)
Robbie: Well, if it isn't the Vega girls!
Trina: Gross.
Tori: You're in a good mood.
Robbie: Yup. Cause I've finished the song I've been writing.
Tori: Oh, is it another song about worms?
Robbie: Not this time!
Trina: I hate this guy.
Robbie: This song's about a girl.
Trina: Look, Robbie, I already told you I'm not interested in you.
Robbie: I didn't mean you. I-
Trina: Okay, you know how some girls say "I only like you as a friend"?
Robbie: Yeah.
Trina: I don't even like you that way.
Cat: (runs around giving out hugs) Free hugs! I want to give free hugs!
Robbie: Someone's a Happy Cat.
Cat: Yeah, me!
Tori: Wait, is this because of that guy you met last night?
Cat: Uh, huh.
Robbie: Oh, you met a fella?
Cat: Yeah, his name's Evan. Oh, and I invited him here tonight to watch Beck's movie!
Tori: Oh, yeah, the screenings tonight. I hear the movie turned out pretty good.
Robbie: I was the wig master.
(Tori and Cat look at Robbie, then walk away)
Tori: So, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?
Cat: What?
Tori: I say, what did Evan do when you told him your blonde hair was really a wig?
Cat: That did not come up.
Robbie: You never told him you were wearing one of my wigs?
Cat: I guess not.
Tori: Or blue contacts?
Cat: Also did not come up.
Tori: So, you spent like five hours with this guy, and he still doesn't know what you really look like?
Cat: No. Oh, my god! What if he hates redheaded girls with brown eyes?
Tori: Don't worry, he won't.
Robbie: Are you crying?
Cat: Yeah, I can't help it! (grabs Tori's underwear) I cry when I'm scared! (blows her nose in them) What is this?
Tori: Underwear.
Cat: They're so big!
Tori: You know what? (grabs underwear and stalks off)
Tori: This is so cool! We're blondes! Wooo! We're like princesses!
Jade: Can you be the princess that gets poisoned?
Cat: Why are you so excited to be blonde?
Tori: Cause guys love blonde girls, especially with blue eyes. You watch, tonight we're gonna get extra special treatment!
Cat: My brother gets special treatment. From special doctors. (pause) It's court ordered.
Tori: Oh, Cat. I feel like I've done something terrible to you.
Cat: Yeah.
Tori: You hate me now?
Cat: (sighs) No. I just want something bad to happen to you. Not like really bad, just something to ruin your weekend.
Tori: I'll try.
Cat: I'd appreciate it. (pause) Can I just be alone now?
Tori: Ok. (puts her arms out) Hug?
Cat: No.
Robbie: That does it! Caterina Valentine, I will not sit here anymore and listen to you talk bad about yourself! You're adorable. Any guy would be lucky as cheese to go out with you.
Cat: Thanks, Robbie, that was really sweet, but you don't know how guys think.
Robbie: (flabbergasted) Uh...how could...good day! (storms off)
Tori: Cheese is lucky?
Robbie: (from offscreen) Yes!
Tori: Jade, tell Cat that when this boy sees her pretty red hair tonight, he's gonna like her even more.
Jade: Uh, can't do that.
Tori: Why not?
Jade: Cause I'm looking at Evan's Splash Face page, scrolling through pics of his ex-girlfriends: blonde, blonde, blonde - whoa, ugly blonde - uh, blonde, oh, and his blue eyed dog with blonde fur. I'm thinking Evan goes for blondes.
Tori: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. What are his likes and dislikes?
Jade: Uh, likes sushi, video games, girls with blonde hair and blue eyes.
Tori: Dislikes?
Jade: People who pretend to be something they're not.
Cat: Oh, no! Can I have your underwear again? (Tori hands Cat her underpants, and she cries into them)
Tori: You see what blonde girls get? Free stuff! Cha-ching. Yeah yeah.
Jade: It's a magical night.
Cat: Hey, what if I just dyed my hair blonde?
Cat: You need to go to the bathroom?
Tori: (confused) No...
Cat: Oh I do...Back in a boo!
(Goes off to the bathroom)

Season 4

Wanko's Warehouse

Cat: One time my brother found a vacuum cleaner in our church basement. He took it home and now he keeps it in his room.
Tori: Well, you should call the church and tell them he has it.
Cat: Ohhhhhh...they wouldn't want it back.
Jade: What is this, a meeting?
Cat: That's what my brother calls it when he and his friends hang out together and eat meat.
Tori: What?
Cat: A meating! Get it? (giggles) He's a disaster.
Andre: Those beams. Those laser beams! It's like a cage! A cage! Aaaah, I can't take it!!! Aaah, can't take it, aaah, can't take it! Can't take it!!!
Jade: (deadpan, to Andre) Hey, just checkin'. Can you take it?
Andre: No! Man, how long have we been sittin' here like this?
Beck: Twelve minutes.
Andre: I can't handle being trapped like this. We're like animals!
Cat: Oooh, can I be a hippapotamoose?
Beck: What?
Cat: It's French. For hippopotamus.
Trina: I gotta wazz.
Jade: So wazz!
Trina: Wazz where?
Jade: Just grab a bin.
Trina: Oh, ho, ho, Trina Vega does not wazz in bins.
Tori: At that movie you wazzed in a popcorn bucket.
Trina: A bucket is not a bin.
Tori's Slap Status: Andre is driving us ALL to Wanko's! Cat is sitting by me. She smells GOOD :)
Cat: (gasps) Hey!
Jade: What?
Cat: I haven't said anything for a while.
(Cat tries to lick the laser beams)
Andre: Cat, no!
Tori: What are you doing?
Cat: I wanted to lick the laser beam with my tongue.
Tori: Why?
Cat: (sighs) Well...
Tori: You wanna know what flavor it is, don't you?
(Cat nods)
Tori's Slap Status: Trapped in Wanko's! WDFD!
Robbie: (Hides under bin with Tori) I like where this is going.
Jade: (Annoyed) Somebody just get me a sandwich!
Cat: Kay kay! (runs through the laser-beams and the alarm goes off)

The Hambone King

(Everyone goes out to the alley)
Crowd: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Andre: Yo, yo, yo! Hold up! You boys want to fight Robbie, you gotta fight me, too.
Robbie: Uh, would it be ok if they fought just you, cause -
Merle: Hey, idiots!
Robbie: Yes?
Andre: S'up?
Merle: My boy here don't wanna fight Shapiro.
Andre: Then how come we're not all back in there eating sushi?
Merle: Cause we're about to have ourselves a Hamboneoff!
Andre: C'mon, Rob, let's go back inside.
Robbie: No.
Cat: Robbie, come on.
Jade: Yeah, we'll get you some ice for your, uh...injuries.
Robbie: No! Just leave me here on the dirty ground where I belong.
Jade: (shrugs) K. (walks off)
Cat: This Hambone battle is really scary.
Jade: We're about to watch two nerds compete by slapping themselves, I think we'll be okay.

Opposite Date

Robbie: Oh, my gosh!
Andre: What about your gosh?
Cat: You didn't sound anything like me!
Jade: Tori believed it was you.
Cat: You didn't get my laugh right.
Jade: Yeah, I did. You go (imitates Cat's laugh) hahahahaha!
Cat: I don't laugh like that.
Jade: (pause) Puppies wearing sunglasses.
Cat: (laughs, then realizes she sounds just like Jade's imitation) Dang it.
Andre: I'm so hungry.
Robbie: I have to tinkle.
Andre: How long have we been here like this?
Robbie: About nine hours.
Andre: Man, I can't believe we did this to ourselves. Just to get a stupid Pear Pad 3.
Robbie: Well, it does have a slightly better screen.
Andre: Robbie?
Robbie: Yeah?
Andre: If you say that one more time, I'm gonna grab your head and pull it right off your body.
Jade: (on the phone to Tori, as Cat) Hi, Tori! Um, my brother locked me in the closet and I'm really bored and I just wanted to know what you guys were doing. (laughs)
Cat: (to herself) That's so disrespectful.
(Jade and Cat are driving looking for Tori and Beck)
Jade: Well?
Cat: Thank you for the ice cream cone.
Jade: I bought you the ice cream so you'd tell me where Tori and Beck are.
Cat: I don't know where they are!
(Jade opens Cat's window and throws her ice cream out)
Cat: I feel like you did that on purpose.
Jade: God, I hate being stuck in traffic! We're gonna be late, and we're gonna miss Beck and Tori. (blows horn)
Cat: HONK!!! (giggles) I honked. Just like your car. Oh, let's think about all the different kinds of honks there are. I like the one that's like "meep-meep." You know, like the bird does it in the cartoons.
Jade: The Roadrunner?
Cat: No, I don't like him. He's so mean to that dog.
Jade: That "dog" is a coyote.
Cat: Oh, my god! Was that racist?
Jade: How do you know so much about animal hospitals?
Cat: My brother has a turtle with "special problems."
(Jade and Cat walk into the vet office where Tori and Beck are sitting)
Cat: Wow, Tori and Beck are here! Who'da thunk that they'd be...I mean what a coincide- ah, who am I kidding?
Tori: You have no right to be mad at us because Beck and I are-
Jade: I'm not.
Tori: You're what?
Jade: I'm not mad.
Cat: Careful, it's a trick!
Jade: It's not a trick. I...I thought I was mad, but now that I'm here, what do I have to be mad about? We broke up, we're all friends, (gestures to Tori) kind of. I mean, any of us should be able to hang out with whoever we want.
Cat: Still thinkin' it's a trick.
Robbie: You realize we'll probably die up here? Hungry...thirsty...alone on our backs...dressed like fruits. But, at least I'm gonna die with my good friend. (takes Andre's hand) You.
Andre: We're not gonna die like this, Rob.
Robbie: We're not?
Andre: Nope. We're gonna live. We have to live.
Robbie: Why?
Andre: So we can get out of here. And I can hurt you. (Robbie pulls his hand away) With my own bare hands. (Robbie pulls his head and hands in his costume) Or maybe a baseball bat. Yeah, a bat. I like that.
Cat: Don't you just love how dogs hang their heads out the window and lick the wind? Watch. (She hangs her head out the window, pants and barks)
Jade: Pull your head back in the car before I roll up the window and cut it off!
Cat: (pulls her head back in, frightened) My head's back in the car.
Jade: Now call Tori and find out where Beck's taking her.
Cat: (to herself) Bossy.
Jade: What?
Cat: Calling Tori!
Cat: Hi!
Tori: Oh, hi, Cat.
Cat: Hi! (pause) Oh, wait, I already said that.
Tori: It's ok.
Cat: So, you guys are all gonna go see the big bone tomorrow night?
Tori: No, Andre and Robbie decided they're gonna make a video to try to win the new Pear Pad 3.
Cat: Oh, I hear it has a new screen. Slightly better.
Tori: It's very exciting.
Cat: So you don't have any plans tomorrow night?
Tori: No, I do. Beck and I are gonna...
Cat: Oooooh...
Tori: Stop, it's not like a date.
Cat: Oh, right. (winks)
Tori: Stop doing that with your eye! We're just hanging out. You know, friends.
Cat: Oh, so I can tell people you're going out with Beck?
Tori: We're not going out.
Cat: So you're staying in with him?
Tori: No!
Cat: I see you, girl.
Tori: Just don't tell anyone!
Cat: Ok. I'll keep your dirty secret. (winks repeatedly)
Cat: Hi, Jade!
Jade: Hey.
Cat: You wanna do something fun with me tomorrow night?
Jade: Sure, what?
Cat: I don't know. I figured you'd pick cause you're bossy.
Jade: Don't say I'm bossy!
Cat: Ok! (pause) But you are. (Jade glares) A little bit.
Jade: Whatever. Yeah, let's hang out tomorrow night.
Cat: Ok. But we can't ask Tori to go with us because-(realizes)
Jade: What's Tori doing tomorrow night?
Cat: Nothing! I don't know. (pause) She told me not to tell you.
Jade: Five!
Cat: Oh, god.
Jade: Four!
Cat: Don't count!
Jade: Three!
Cat: Oh, I love three!
Jade: Two!
Cat: Have you heard about the new Pear Pads with the slightly better screen?
Jade: ONE!
Cat: Ok, ok! (pause) Tori and Beck are going out together.
Jade: What?
Cat: But it's not a date, they're just hanging out as friends!
Jade: Ok. Well, I know what you and I are doing tomorrow night.
Cat: Going to see the big bone?
Jade: No. We're gonna find out where Beck and Tori are going and see whether they're just friends.
Cat: I thought you said I could pick what we do.
Jade: No, I'm picking. (walks away)
Cat: (to herself) Bossy.
Jade: What?
Cat: Nothing.
Jade:Is that a new shirt?
Tori: (looking pleased) Yeah
Jade: Yikes!

Three Girls and a Moose

Jade: Where is he?
Cat: (angrily) Hi!
Tori: What are you guys yelling-I don't remember saying "come in".
Jade: I don't remember saying you could hog Moose.
Tori: What are you talking about?
Jade: (imitating Tori) Oh, Moose, my goodness, I certainly do enjoy a good game of hockey.
Cat: (imitating Tori) Oh, please take me to the hockey game, Moose. I'm ever so desparate!
Tori: I don't talk like that!
Jade: Whatever. You have been hogging Moose and you know it.
Cat: Moose hogger.
Tori: How can I hog a guy if he's not even here?!
Jade: Then where is he?
Tori: He said he wanted to hang out with Beck.
Cat: Hmmm.
Jade: I bet they're at Karaoke Dokie right now.
Cat: Cause that's where the hamburgers are.
Jade: Later.
Cat: Gator.
Cat: When my brother was little, he used to have a Tinkle Aid stand. (giggles) It was so cute, he'd stand around all day yelling "Tinkle Aid, twenty five cents a cup!"
Tori: I hope you meant he had a lemonade stand.
Cat: (giggles) No...
(Jade is driving with Moose)
Moose: Uh, it's getting kinda late. Are you sure this is the way to Karaoke Dokie?
Jade: (pulls car over) Uh, oh. Car's out of gas.
Moose: Gauge says you have a full tank.
Jade: (pulls Moose towards her and kisses him) Try not to talk.
Moose: Later can we get a hamburger?
Jade: We'll see. (kisses Moose again)

Cell Block

Robbie: Just to be clear, I am on the boys side?
Sikowitz: Yes.
Robbie: Sweet!
Cat: (yelling as she attempts to get her phone while her friends try to stop her) I NEED MY PHONE! I NEED MY PHONE!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!
(Tori is sitting on Cat)
Cat: Please, get off me, please!
Tori: I CAN'T! Not till Jade gets here!
Cat: But I have to use the bathroom.
Tori: Do you really?
Cat: Yeah.
Tori: Are you lying?
Cat: Yeah.
Boys: (upon winning the bet) BOY POWER! BOY POWER! BOY POWER! BOY POWER!
(at lunch)
Andre: I don't even miss our phones. You, guys?
Robbie: No.
Tori: Uh huh.
Beck: No.
Tori: How long it has been since we had them?
Jade: Few hours.
Cat: It seems like years!
Robbie: No, it's not that bad.
Cat: Years!
Cat: (holding a chew toy that looks like a phone) Look what I got!
Tori: What is that?
Cat: It's a dog toy that looks like a phone. Is it cool? (pause) I'm coming in now. (Cat enters) Hi, Mrs. Tori's mom!
Holly: Hello, Cat.
Tori: Uh.. why did you get a dog chew toy cellphone?
Cat: To help me get through the week. I mean, I know it's not like having a real phone but at least I can pretend.
Tori: But, what's the point?
Cat: This is all I've got!
Tori: But it's not even... uh, can I hold it? (grabs the toy)
Holly: Oh, You girls are pathetic. When I was your age, we didn't even have cellphones!
Tori: Yeah but you have stuff that we don't have.
Cat: Yeah, like dinosaurs and Moses.
(when the boys win the bet, Tori, Cat and Jade get their phones after defeat. The phones suddenly rang)
Tori: Whoa! I got 43 text messages!
Jade: I have 200 more followers.
Cat: (watches the Wacky Donkey video everybody is taking about in her phone while laughing) Look at the Wacky Donkey! (Jade and Tori take a peek and laugh too. The laughing ends when Cat throws up at the phone box)
Jade: OHHH!!!!
Tori: OH!
(Beck enters with a scratched scar on his face and pieces of egg in his shirt. Everyone looks at Beck)
Tori: What happened?
Andre: Aw, man.
Robbie: What happened to you?
Beck: Jessica Baxter. She texted me about a hundred times last night and I didn't text her back!
Tori: Well, did you explain to her that you can't use your phone?
Beck: Yeah. Right after she threw this egg at me and scratched my face!
(the doorbell rings)
Tori: Who is that? (opens the door. It was a little girl.) Hello.
Girl: Will you help me? I'm lost!
Tori: You're lost?
Girl: Uh huh. Will you please call my mom and tell her where I am?
Tori: Uh, yeah sure. I will call your mom----
Jade: WAIT!
Tori: What?
Jade: It's a trick! So we'll use our phones!
Girl: It's not a trick!
Tori: WHO SENT YOU?
Girl: I have asthma!!!!!
Tori: WAS IT ANDRE?! ROBBIE?! BECK?! WHO?!
Girl: I just got lost! I took the wrong bus!
Jade: Well. You know what happens to little girls with asthma who take the wrong bus?
Girl: No.
Jade: They get a face full of door!
Girl: What does that mean?! (Jade slams the door in the girl's face)
Jade: Little grunch!
Tori: Can't you believe those guys try to trick us with a lost little girl, just to try to make us use our phones?
Jade: Jerks.
Tori: (in a shocked face) Unless she really was a lost little girl. (gasps) What if she was?
Jade: She'll learn a valuable lesson, you know: Always......take the right bus. (Cat, who was tied in a leash, manages to bite it off)
Tori: Cat!
Jade: She chewed through our leash!
Cat: I'M FREE! I'M FREE! (Jade and Tori chase Cat throughout the house)
(Jade enters Tori's home and found her sitting on Cat)
Jade: Why are you sitting on Cat?
Tori: If I let her up, she might try to grab a real phone, and I don't know if I can stop her by myself.
Cat: I don't think you can, I'm pretty scrappy.
Tori: I have a mole on my bum shaped as a fish.

Tori Fixes Beck and Jade

Jade: You paid a guy to ask me out???
Beck: No guy in this school is ever gonna ask Jade out.
Tori: Why not?
Beck: Because Jade is terrifying.
Tori: So, your plan is to spend the rest of your life being scared of Jade?
Beck: (scoffs) That's not my only plan... Someday I'd like to plant a vegetable garden
Jade: (picks up toilet paper) I ought to take this and kill you both with it!
Tori: How could you kill us with toilet paper?
Beck: Put it down! Put it down!
Beck: I've missed you.
Jade: So what are you gonna do about it?

One Thousand Berry Balls

(Cat is talking to Jade and trying to avoid Robbie, when he enters)
Jade: Well, think fast, because here he comes.
Cat: Quick, hide me!
Jade: (sarcastically) Where, in my bra?
Cat: Oh! (looks) No, that'll never work.
Robbie: I just wanted to talk to her, she ran away from me! Why would a girl do that?
(Jade walks away)
Robbie: Yeah, but you walked away.
Robbie: You don't have to keep running away from me. I already asked Gabriella to be my date to the Cow Wow.
Cat: Gabriella?
Robbie: Mmmhmm.
Cat: Well, what'd she say?
Robbie: She said "Si".
Cat: That means yes!
Robbie: I know! I looked it up.
Cat: (giggles) Well, yay! You got yourself a pretty girl to take to the Cow Wow.
Robbie: Yeah. Well, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to run away from me anymore.
Cat: (giggles) Thanks, Robbie.
Robbie: See you in class.
Cat: K.
(Robbie leaves, whistling. Cat takes a chair and hurls it against the wall)
Cat: Gabriella...

Robbie Sells Rex

Rex: You were with another puppet.
Robbie: Yeah, but it was just for one night!
Rex: Do you love him?
Robbie: You mean Goonter?
Rex: Don't say his name!
Robbie: No! I was just...alone.
(Jade is wearing a gown to attract the flour bomber)
Beck: There's my girl, just blendin' in with the crowd.
Jade: I wanna know who that flour bomber is.
Andre: Ah, so you wore that to get his attention.
Jade: Yep, and when he tries to get me, I'm gonna grab him and wrestle him to the ground.
Beck: He might like that.
Andre: I'd like that. (Jade and Beck glare at him) I wouldn't like it.

The Bad Roommate

(Tori has been dressed as Andre's Grandmother, screaming at him to help him write a song)
Andre: So, you just happened to have that wig here in your house?

Brain Squeezers

Tori: No, no, noooooo!!!
Beck: Never heard that from a girl before.
Cat: Oh, hey you guys. You wanna know what I'm doing on my Pearpad.
Tori + Beck: We didn't ask.
Cat: I'm using a new app. It calls 'Test Easy'. It's teaching me all kind of cool informations. Just in chase I find myself in a situation where I need to know things.
Tori: Like a Game Show.
Cat: What? I mean I guess that's a good example. Now, I'm learning about America's 50 states. Did you know America has 50 states?
Beck: I did
Cat: Do you know which one of them called Alloha state?
Tori: Yes
Cat: It's Hawai-ai-ai .. Yay. Cat's scores. Ok, bye. I'm off to learn some more knowledge, just in case.
Cat: NO! I don't want to be doinked, I'm not ready!

The Slap Fight

(Sinjin is recording Tori's Slap video)
Tori: Yo, yo, yo! What do you know?
Sinjin: (to himself) Oh, my god.
Cat: Don't feel sad.
Tori: Why not?
Cat: I have no answer.
Jade: I am just gently suggesting that they follow me (Turns around to students) FOLLOW ME!!!
Tori: I didn't start this followers war! I just wanted to get more followers than Trina!
André: Well, how the helicopter did your dang sister get so many followers in the first place?!
Sinjin: Uhhh... I can answer that. Three months ago, Trina told me that if I'd hack into TheSlap and change her number of followers from 34 to 900, she'd teach me how to jump rope. So, I hacked in, and I gave her 900 Slap followers.
(Tori, Jade, Cat, André, Beck and Robbie are surprised)
Tori: You rigged her numbers?
Student: Can I have my trombone back?
Tori: Sure.
(Tori gives trombone to student)
Sinjin: Look, I just wanna say you guys make me sick.
Beck: Why?
Sinjin: 'Cause you're all great looking, and talented, and popular. I mean, you guys star in every play at this school. And you sing all the songs. And you do all the talking in class... You guys have it all! And you're really worried about which one of you has the most followers? Yeah, feel the shame, 'cause you should feel the shame.
(Trina and Sinjin are jumping rope)
Trina: And jump, and jump, and jump, and jump...
Sinjin: I think I'm getting it!
Trina: Good. Now let's do our rhymes.
Sinjin: 'Kay kay.
Trina: "B" my name is Betty and my husband's name is Bob...
Sinjin: ...We live in bubble city where we sell beeeeaaaaaaver medicine.
Trina: Why don't you start the next one?
Sinjin: "S" my name is Sinjin and my wife's name is Trina...
(Trina lets the rope down)
Trina: I'm done with this.
(Trina leaves)

Star Spangled Tori

Jade: Robbie?
Robbie: Yeah?
Jade: If you don't take your hands off me in two seconds, you won't have hands.
Tori: I won't forget the words.
Jade: By the dawn's early ramparts so gallantly brave rockets.


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