Cracked.com/Heartwarming

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.



  • John Cheese has a series of incredibly depressing columns about parenting, alcoholism, and life in general. Then he writes one titled 5 Reasons Life Actually Does Gets Better.
    • Which is also a Heartwarming Moments for the writer himself; all those depressing articles? They are based on his life experience. He has more than enough justification to complain how the world is unfair and not worth living, yet he wrote an article on how better life can get...*sniffs*
    • Another thing that makes this article a major Heartwarming Moments? The comments section. You'd expect an article like this to be berated in considering Cracked's (possibly cynical) nature and target audience, but no. Around 95% of the comments are praises directed towards Cheese about how awesome his article is; some commenters even thanking him for making such an inspirational article. Very few articles on the site are that well-liked.
    • "Some people don't make it through. You fucking will."
    • And then another John Cheese article, 5 Bits of Advice That Don't Make Sense Until It's Too Late. This one is pretty normal advice until #2, Going to a Counselor Doesn't Mean You're Crazy. The best part is the caption under a picture, which says, "Wanna know a secret? You are completely normal. It happens to all of us."
      • From the same article and section:

But understand this (and if you're in the age group I'm talking about, I hope to God that I'm wrong about you not getting this for years): You have more people who care about you than you think. Back when I was fighting that demon (I like to picture myself using a giant anime sword that's on fire), I swore on my soul that not a single person in the world gave a shit whether I lived or died. As I got older and that smothering black veil lifted, I realized how incredibly wrong I was. There were dozens of people who would have been negatively affected by my early check-out. You'll find the same. Even if it turns out that number is two, that should mean something to you because it translates to this: Those two people live in a better world simply because you draw breath.

  • The whole site's attitude towards Toy Story 3. From the chart satirizing its Tear Jerker status, to defending it against Armond White, to the all around affection they seem to show for it (both users and contributors). Seeing this otherwise cynical site have such a soft spot for a movie about talking toys is quite heartwarming indeed.
  • I dunno why, but at #2 of People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You on Facebook, I gave an audible "aww~" when I read to What They'll Mean, expecting another snarky answer, but instead getting "How are you? I'd really like to hear from you because you're a great person." Why are weirdos such nice and friendly god damn people?
  • What Andrew WK's Twitter Taught Me About Life. Daniel O'Brien is going to be the party.
  • One of Soren's videos, "The worst second date ever," features a guy who's dating a girl who doesn't speak English well. He asked her to meet him on a bridge so that they can jump off together to make some sort of complicated message to the world, which she clearly doesn't get. After reading her his poetry/suicide note, he gestures for her to jump off the bridge. She looks confused and scared, but steps forward. He's about to jump and "follow" her when he notices she's just sitting on the side of the bridge and looking out over the water. He's confused for a second, but then sits down next to her and reads her some more of his poetry.
  • This article about Kristen Bell. The description of a hypothetical marriage with her is unexpectedly touching.
  • The very worst thing about raising kittens until they're ready for adoption, the earlier being things as getting scratched by them and them leaving poo everywhere? Having to give them up.
  • The world is getting better.
  • The Ten-Minute Suicide Guide. What initially seems like a humourous how-to on killing yourself turns out to be a sneaky argument for why not to do it, in the most bluntly logical way possible - it looks at where you might end up, possible methods, and getting the timing right, and concludes that every option sucks ass.
  • 6 Pro Gay Marriage Arguments. While the whole thing is equal parts awesome, funny and touching, the end is especially beautiful.

But family's not just your gene packet, it's the people who put your well-being ahead of theirs because you'd do the same for them. It's the people you don't worry about getting mad at because no matter how much you scream and swear you know you love each other. It's your clan, and you don't ask each other to be someone else or accept less in life. Instead you work yourself to the bone for them, because when bastards single you out, they're the ones who stand by you, even when fear-mongers tell them they'll go to Hell for it. And if that's who's in Hell, I'd rather go there than Heaven.

  • Robert Brockway, after a very bad week, jokingly post an article asking for money and promising ridiculous prizes for people who donated. So many people asked him where the donate button was that he made it a real thing, and he got a ton of positive responses.
  • This piece about the death of Amy Winehouse is quite moving.
  • David Wong gets one for 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't), what are those five things? Wealth, Beauty, Genius, Fame, and Power. The best, Take That, ever.
    • Let us not also forget Wong's 7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable. Most of his stuff qualifies, actually, but those two stand out above all the rest.
    • What about The Monkeysphere? One of the few articles that don't rely in list based humor (which is awesome but we all need changes), and uses one of the greatest metaphors ever.
      • They both end with a reassuring message. The first one tells you what will make you happy (friendship, altruism, and religious practices), and the second tells you tells you how to not be miserable, so they do both end on a high note.
  • Most of 8 Tiny Things That Stopped Suicides qualifies, but the ending especially qualifies:

...a person is driven to suicide by a whole bunch of different things, which builds a wall around them, piece by piece, until the last piece falls into place and the wall is sealed so that there's no way out. Sometimes we look at all the problems that build up someone's wall of hopelessness and think there's no way any of the insignificant things we could do would be able to take it all down. But to break the illusion of there being no way out, you don't need to take down the whole wall, you just need to make one crack in it. One puppy lick, one phone call from Laila Ali, one corny song, one internet stranger, one old Australian guy asking if you want to come in for a cup of tea. And one crack in that wall might be all it takes to turn things around and begin the long, tough job of tearing the whole thing down.

    • "Apparently, this is what a saint looks like."
      • "And this is what a Japanese saint looks like."
      • "Remember this on days you want to watch the world burn: for every dickhead bullying gay teenagers there exists a guy like this."
    • "Even if nine out of 10 threatened Internet suicides are trolls or attention-getters, I don't care about looking stupid nine times to save one person's life."
  • And this article. . .
    • Again, you've got the comment section. Totally sincere, and anyone making a remotely cynical comment about all of this is immediately gunned down.
  • 5 Real Animal Friendships Straight Out of a Disney Movie. All of them are truly adorable, but special mentions goes to number 1.
    • "Yet there they stood, facing the king of all animals and the leader of its own pride, on his own turf. And the big cat formerly known as Christian, the proudest and most feared lion in all Kenya, took a glance at the two intruders, drew his lungs full, poised to leap... and danced and ran to his old owners like a little kitten, to greet them with the most excited lion hugs he'd given in years."
  • From 5 Rulers Whose Idiot Siblings Nearly Screwed The World: Albert Goering, brother of Hermann

(After listing off all of the efforts he made to thwart Nazism, such as forging his brother's signature on thousands of transit papers and aiding the Czech resistance) we like to think his final act summed him up: He was getting old and close to death, and he wanted to do something nice for his housekeeper. So he married her ... just so that when he died, she would keep getting a pension check as his widow.

  • 6 'Based on a True Story' Movies with Unpleasant Epilogues sounds like it would be a bit of a downer, and it is, since it explains the unpleasant real-life aftermaths of several supposedly feel-good stories. However, the section on Oskar Schindler's string of failures ended on a rather heartwarming note.

Don't take any of this to mean we're diminishing what he did during the war -- the sad epilogue in Schindler's life actually makes his heroism during the Holocaust all the more remarkable. This was not a particularly competent or driven or talented man -- he had no other successes to his name. But goddamn did the guy step up when the human race needed him to.

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