Francine: Stan Smith! You bastard! HOW COULD YOU? (supposedly make out with Hayley) Stan: OK, you caught me, but can you blame me? It's just so sweet and tempting! (stealing cookie dough) Francine: You're sick! You should be in jail! Stan: Oh come on, you're overreacting. Roger does it too! Roger: Yeah, I've stuck my fingers in there. Francine: (Vomits into a bowl)
Richie: [Reading a piecie of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present] "Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well! Ooh, I wonder what she's like! Eddie: She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer. Richie: Really? Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first. Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for? Eddie: Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner. Richie: A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it? Eddie: Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way. Richie: [Surprised] Well, how many ways are there? Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you? Richie: [Aghast] Well, how many people are gonna be there? Eddie: Well, a few thousand. Richie: What?! Eddie: Well, it's Kempton! Richie: Kempton?! I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30! Eddie: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly! Richie: [Terrified] They're gonna televise it?! What if my auntie's watching?! Eddie: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse? Richie: A horse? Eddie: Yeah! Richie: [Realizing] Madame Swish is... is a horse! Eddie: Yeah! ... Well, what d'you think it was? Richie: [Disappointed] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking. Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip!
Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?!
(Bill and Stan are being questioned about robbing a convenience store and shooting the clerk, but they assume that it's about shoplifting a can of tuna fish) Sheriff Farley: Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley. Bill: Hi. Sheriff Farley: Do you know why you're here? Bill: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do. Sheriff Farley: Have you been made aware of your rights? Bill: Yes. Sheriff Farley: You're willing to waive that right? Bill: I'll cooperate fully. I'll sign a statement, or whatever makes this whole thing easier. Sheriff Farley: Good. Good. That's good. Bill: But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it. Sheriff Farley: Did he help you plan it? Bill: No. I mean... I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened. Sheriff Farley: Did Stan try to stop you at any time? Bill: No. I mean, he was... Sheriff Farley: Is that a big deal? Aidin' and abettin'? Bill: Aiding and abetting? Is that a major thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(later, interrogating Stan:) Stan: An accessory? Are you guys kiddin'? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it. Sheriff Farley: You didn't try to stop it. Stan: I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car. Sheriff Farley: Why didn't you get out, call the police then? Stan: He's my friend. Sheriff Farley: Well, your friend has put you in a lot of trouble. Stan: What's gonna happen to Bill? Sheriff Farley: Nothing. Unless he's convicted. If he is, we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.
(interrogating Bill again:) Bill: We were friends at NYU, and we both applied and we got scholarships to UCLA. So we figured the scenery would be nicer going through the South. Sheriff Farley: What about the tuna fish? Bill: I forgot about the tuna fish. And then we left. Sheriff Farley: Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started? Bill: No, he didn't say anything. Sheriff Farley: But he knew about it. Bill: I don't know. Sheriff Farley: Let's talk about that for a moment. You paid for the groceries. And then what? Bill: We went out to the car, and that's it. Sheriff Farley: When'd you shoot him? Bill: What? Sheriff Farley: At what point did you shoot the clerk? Bill: (confused) I shot the clerk? Sheriff Farley: Yes. When did you shoot him? Bill: I shot the clerk? Sheriff Farley: (speaking outside) We need ya out here. I'm in the middle of a damn confession here.
(Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him) Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.
(Stan tries to get up) Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you. Stan: Gee, thanks... Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here. Stan: You think I should be grateful? Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees. Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you. Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck! Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got. Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off. Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything. Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
(Wakes up Bill) Bill: Vinny! Vinny bag o'donuts!
