The Onion/Tear Jerker: Difference between revisions

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"Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box". Don't click that. Really.
- I was expecting something mild. Mother of God.
"God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule", in particular the closing paragraph:

"Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."

- This one was written in response to the September 11 attacks, making it even more poignant.
Combined with You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: "New Mommy A Lot Prettier"
For animal lovers: Last of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start of Spring
- And if you've ever encountered Released to Elsewhere...
US Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government. If only that was real...
- Kelly's cartoon that day was surprisingly poignant too. He usually employs some measure of You Can Panic Now, but this one was just his Author Avatar with a Single Tear asking "When is it okay to laugh again"?
"Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake," also written in response to 9/11.

"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."
Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.
"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."

@@ Line 5: / Line 5: @@
 ** I was expecting something mild. '''''Mother of God.'''''
 *  "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule,222/ God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule]", in particular the closing paragraph:
-{{quote| "Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."}}
+{{quote|"Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."}}
 ** This one was written in response to the September 11 attacks, making it even more poignant.
 *  Combined with [[You Have Outlived Your Usefulness]]: "[http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-mommy-a-lot-prettier,1512/ New Mommy A Lot Prettier]"
@@ Line 13: / Line 13: @@
 ** Kelly's cartoon that day was surprisingly poignant too. He usually employs some measure of [[You Can Panic Now]], but this one was just his [[Author Avatar]] with a [[Single Tear]] asking [http://www.theonion.com/articles/september-12-2011,21333/ "When is it okay to laugh again"?]
 * [http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-americanfl,221/ "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake,"] also written in response to 9/11.
-{{quote| "I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."<br />
+{{quote|"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."
-Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.<br />
+Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.
 "It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful." }}
 * [http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-hearing-loved-ones-voice-induces-excru,27035/ "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients."]