I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue/Funny

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• I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue has about one of these per episode, but the crowning moment of Mornington Crescent has got to be the sat nav system that fell in love with Jeremy Hardy.

Jeremy: Fulham Broadway. Satnav: I love you Jeremy. Jeremy: Not now! Satnav: Please sing to me. Please. Jeremy: No!

• Musical Families, the One where Graeme Garden Sings Louis Armstrong's "It's A Wonderful World" in the style of Neil Armstrong, which seems boring until the first line;

"I See Trees of Green...(Beep)...Red Roses too"

• Or The Sound Charades where Tim Brooke-Taylor And Jeremy Hardy have to so "The Sopranos"
• Graeme and Barry's censored version of "My Favorite Things":

* bleep* * bleep* and bleep* * bleep* and bleep* * bleep* and * bleep* * bleep* * bleep* * bleep* and bleep* * bleep* and bleep* * bleep* and * bleep* * bleep* bleep* * bleep* and bleep* * bleep* all tied up with string, These are a few of my favourite things...

• • Also, on that note, their hilariously simple rendition of "All Through The Night"

bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz All through the night bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz All through the night bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT!

• • The following rendition of (spoilered because it reveals the gag) "My Grandfather's Clock".

My grandfather's bzz was too large... So it stood ninety years on the floor... It was taller than half of the old man himself... Though it weighed not a pennyweight more! It was bzz on the morn of the day that he was born... And was always--(starts cracking up)--his treasure and pride... But it stopped short never to go again When the old man died!

• The "Swanee Kazoo" rendition of "Tequila" where the swanee whistle attempted to play the whole melody and the kazoo's only contribution was the "tequila!" at the end of the line.
• The 30th anniversary show. It has Stephen Fry's definition of "countryside" as "to kill Piers Morgan," Humph saying that the only way he could read the producer's handwriting was to pin it up on a board and run past it, lots of abuse of Barry and Ho Yay between him and Stephen, a Close Quotes round including this:

William Hague: I was in the school choir even though I couldn't sing very well. I went on all the German trips even though I didn't study German. I went on all the R.E. trips even though I didn't study R.E. I was... Graeme: I was the coach driver.

and this:

Tony Blair: This dome is going to opened on time and on budget, it will not be torn down, it will be a lasting asset for the country, it is a triumph in the end for confidence over cynicism, boldness over blandness, and... Tim: Arse over tit.

Or :

Michael Jackson: That's the most horrifying, ridiculous story I've ever heard, its crazy... Graeme: Where did those Three bears get all that Porridge?

...a game of Mornington Crescent commentated on by Raymond Baxter, a game of Cheddar Gorge that turns into Word Salad ("While." "This." "Can." "Be." Constituted." "To." "A." "Lack." "Of." "Grammar..."), and the second page quote:

Humphrey Lyttelton: For a show such as this to have lasted thirty years might be thought achievement enough in itself. But to have brought joy and laughter to thousands of listeners... might at least have been worth a try.

• Another Close Quotes one:

Margaret Thatcher: At this Conference last year, you'll remember that I said, "The National Health Service is safe with us"... Willie Rushton: ... April Fool!

• More Close Quotes, these ones from Cherie Blair's autobiography:

Cherie Blair: I'd gone to a girl's convent school, where the nuns had always encouraged us to use all our... Tim Brooke-Taylor: ... batteries sparingly.

And:

Cherie Blair: After a Christmas dinner hosted by Derry Irvin, a lot of drink had been drunk, and Tony was decidedly... Phill Jupitus: ... not that picky.

And:

Cherie Blair: It was quite cold that night, and I quite like my husband, and I'm afraid to say that the Queen was... Tim Brooke-Taylor: ... not up for a threesome.

And:

Cherie Blair: I never wore makeup at all until 1994, when someone said... Graeme Garden: "I'm so sorry, I was trying to post a letter."

• The attempt at playing "The Upstairs Downton Forsyte Abbey Saga" which degenerated into a mass of sound effects being played on top of each other.
• This round of Close Quotes, featuring the deathless words of George W. Bush, is hysterical not for the answers they give (which are pretty good), but for W's quotes, which are more bizarre than anything they could come up with and which stymie the panelists.
• Humph Shooting down The Snowman in Christmas Clue
• In episode 4 of series 54, the panelists stage a drama series with sound effects, which is as off-the-wall as they can make it. Eventually, though, it degenerates into a fight between Ross Noble's and Graeme Garden's characters ... during which Graeme has a gun and Ross has his fists.

Ross Noble: I don't think this is a fair fight!

• "The Quiz of Quizzes", an intentionally absurd mash-up of assorted quiz formats.

Barry: Can I go 50-50? Humph: Very well. Computer, take away one wrong answer and one right answer.

• Marcus Brigstocke's Pick-up Song, accompanying Shaggy's "Mr Boombastic".
  • And Jack Dee's comment afterwards:

Jack: Of course, what listeners at home missed out on was Barry spinning on his head.

• From a round of "Last Sentence", when Barry was given Cell Block H. His submission was okay, but his reaction to the audience's reaction was lovely.

Barry: Who left that bleedin' door open? (slight audience laughter) Barry: ...Hah hah...they all escaped! That would end the series...it's a good round, this.

• • From the same episode, Tim and Willie get into a discussion amongst themselves at the end of a round.

Humph: Do you mind? ...I'm trying to introduce the next round. Willie: ...Well, carry on. Tim: Yes, don't mind us. Humph: ...Right. So now-- Tim: Anyway, so I said to her--

• A round of Closed Quotes with quotes taken from a 1930's husband's etiquette manual.

Jack Dee: Don't squeeze the toothpaste from the top instead of from the bottom. This is one of the small things in life that... Jeremy: Shouldn't be in your bottom. (hysterics all round) Tim: "And I pay my licence fee for this..."

and this :

Jack: Always remember your wife is like tar. Melt her, and she will... Tim: Get laid by a bunch of workmen.

and this :

Jack: Don't allow yourself to become careless in your conversation, and as far as possible, don't use the clichéd expressions of the moment, such as... Graeme: (slowly) Move your ass 'fore you get yourself pimp-slapped, bitch.

• The Pick-up Song where Barry Cryer breaks into giggles due to the other panellists trying to put him off, and when the sound is turned up the record has moved onto the next song.
  • How about the Pick-Up Song where Graeme's singing seems well in time, and he manages to get the audience to join in on the chorus...and when the sound is turned up, they find the record has stuck.
• "Girlfriend in a Coma" to the tune of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips".
• A round of Uxbridge English Dictionary from the current season got us this.

Graeme: Singapore -- Jeremy Hardy.

• In a Series 56 episode, the panel had to do scenes with some people replaced by ducks. This leads up to a scene where they all quack "I am Spartacus"... so Jack had to shoot them all.
• Tim having to sing "Friday" in a round of Pick-up Song.
• In one recent round of Word for Word, Barry challenges Tim and Andy (Hamilton), claiming that "Sharabang Sperm" was a Sixties rock group. This isn't the Funny, however -- the Funny comes when Graeme intones "Barry remembers their greatest hit!", forcing Barry to improvise a song on the spot. It's...memorable.
• In one round of Pick-Up Song, everyone has a notable moment (Tim singing "I'm A Believer" and getting the audience to join in, Barry singing "Some Enchanted Evening" in the persona of a pub owner), finishing with Jeremy -- who sings Jo Cocker's infamous bluegrass version of "With A Little Help From My Friends". Eventually, the other panellists and the audience all join in...and when the record comes back on, he's about half a chorus ahead of the song. The mood-swing is audible and hilarious.
• This moment from one of the Live CDs.

Humph: Well, that's almost all we've got time for, but we've got just long enough for a round of Doctor's Songbook. Tim, will you start? Tim: Knees Up Mother Brown.

• • At which point the house is brought down. After a few moments, this ensues:

Humph: Right, well...that's the end of our... Graeme: That's the end of our contract. Tim: I really wanted to do that one, which I think was Brown Girl In The Ring, which goes "Show me your motion..."

• • At which point the house is brought down again.
• The episode just prior to the Millennium recorded at the Royal Greenwich Observatory includes a round in which the teams play the playground game "What's the time, Mr Wolf?"...but instead it becomes "What is Time, Professor Wolff?", in which they ask celebrity scientist Heinz Wolff questions about the nature of time.
• The first time Jeremy Hardy appeared on the show, he stumbled on a word while playing Cheddar Gorge and dropped the f-bomb. The teams were more amused than shocked, and this ensued.

Jeremy: I'm sorry I said the fuck-w. I do apologize, ladies and gentlemen. Willie: Well, he's an alternative, you know. He has to say it every now and again. They get taxed otherwise. Humph: ...has anybody got the faintest idea what's going on? Barry: We're playing Cheddar fucking Gorge, Humph!

• • Needless to say, this was cut from the radio broadcast.
  • Also from that episode -- the very first time Jeremy's singing was unleashed on an unsuspecting public.
• When they Played Santa's Grotto with Stephen Fry, Graeme and Barry had to guess what a child (Stephen) wanted for Christmas by asking questions with Tim as the child's father.

Graeme: Is it very big? Stephen:(Highpitched nervous voice) No Graeme: Is it very small? Tim:(In a similar voice to Stephen) Speak up Stephen. Stephen: It can be any size really. Graeme: It can be any size can it? (Beat) Do you want a slap?

• This moment of Throw It In:

Jack: It's almost time to end the show, but we've just got time for a round of Tobogganist's Film Club. So, teams, your suggestions of suitable films for those who ride Toboggans, or other forms of winter sport... Graeme: Uh, Jack...that's "Tobacconist's". (awkward pause) (awkward pause continues, amid audience laughter) Jack: Alright, teams, your suggestions for tobogganists and other winter sporters...who might happen to smoke. (defensively) I'm not dyslexic. They did tests, and what they found is that I'm actually quite thick.

• • Phill Jupitus proceeds to make winter sports-puns while everyone else does smoking puns, commenting throughout that he has no idea what's going on.
• Any time the chairman tries to subvert the "Points mean prizes" running gag, and the audience play along.

Humph: And points mean prizes...and prizes mean forces open by leverage. What do prizes mean? Audience: FORCES OPEN BY LEVERAGE! (sound of panellists losing it)

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