Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • Pretty much anytime the Grove Street OGs get in a car in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. For example, in Drive-Thru, there's Big Smoke's order at the Cluckin' Bell:

Smoke: I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
(CJ and Ryder look behind at Smoke and shrug)

    • Also, Big Smoke managing to eat the entire gang's takeaway meal while the others are having a shootout with another gang's car.

Ryder: Smoke, when are you gonna stop eatin' and start blastin'!?
Big Smoke: I'll shoot 'em when I'm done eatin', I'm tryin' to enjoy my meal!
Sweet: And those Balla fools are tryin' to enjoy our death!
[Sweet's car slams deftly into the Balla gangcar]
Big Smoke: My special!
Ryder: Oh shit, you got ketchup all over the seat!
Big Smoke: The business at hand, motherfucker, the business at hand!
Ryder: But these was clean pants!

  • Sweet and Kendl argue over Kendl's "cholo motherfucker" boyfriend Cesar.

Sweet: Some things just aren't meant to happen. I mean, what if ya'll have kids? Leroy Hernandez? That don't sound good, girl.
Kendl: His name ain't Hernandez.
Sweet: Well, Leroy Lopez then.
Kendl: It ain't Lopez either, you racist fuck!
Sweet: I ain't racist. I just know how they feel about you. And look at you, you're dressed like a hooker!
(CJ enters)
Kendl: Oh, and I guess you two would know what a hooker look like, huh.
CJ: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Kendl, Sweet: Shut up, Carl!

  • And later on, Tenpenny tells CJ to call 555-WETIP and frame someone for drug possession.

CJ: Hey motherfucker, the code of the streets is that I don't snitch! I don't give a fuck if it kills you, me, my brother. Street cats don't call no cops!
Tenpenny: Carl, he's a D.A.!
CJ: ...yeah? Well, where I go find him?

  • OG Loc has got to be the funniest character in the game. Not only does he break out into really lame raps all the time, but what really makes him funny is that we all know someone like him! Here's when he's rapping in the bathroom of Burger Shot:

OG Loc: Hey hey hey, it's OG Loc, homie, and I'm gonna kick it a little something like this... Hey yo', when I come through up in the place, you don't want me to call with a gun in your face, I feel it harder than anyone in the world could do, just like a...
(A man comes out of the toilet cubicle)
Man: Yo, that shit SUCKS! Damn! (leaves)
OG Loc: Damn--my shit was wack!

  • For some dark humor, how about when CJ needs a silenced pistol?

CJ: (looking at the silenced pistol Cesar pulled out of nowhere) Where'd you get that?
Cesar: Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is America!

  • Anything Toreno says. Made twenty times funnier by the fact that it's James Woods doing the voice.

Toreno: But that's fine, because you know what, your brother is getting a new cellmate tonight. Horsecock Harry. And I'm sending them a present, little wedding present. Big tub of lube.
CJ: Shit dude, okay, okay, I swear man I'm gonna be the best pilot!
Toreno: I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear are the sound of your brother's love cries as eight kilometers of cock finds it's way up his ass! Aooooowww! That's your brother, okay?

    • Another good Toreno quote:

Toreno: The Russians have bigger things to worry about than your genitals, Carl.

  • Many scenes with Ryder. For example, when you go with him to do a little burglary:

Ryder: Let's storm the place!
CJ: Hold up! Let's creep in, grab the guns, and bounce out.
Ryder: Gyeah, gyeah, I got it, Ninja Style! Right! COME OUT, YOU OLD BASTARD!

CJ: Shut up!

Ryder: You can't stop me! You busta, Carl!

  • How about when CJ and the Truth are driving to San Fierro in the Mothership?

Truth: Go faster? The engine block's held together with a macrame hammock, and it's running on fifteen year old cooking oil!

    • Also:

Truth: Hey, you want a hit on this? A little Temple Charas in a cocktail with some Nepalese munga munga!
CJ: Put that thing out, man! I can't see.
Truth: Hey.... mellow out, brother, it's good shit.
CJ: Put it out, motherfucker, I'm warning you!
Truth: Woah! Chill the fuck out! Firstly, you are a real buzz killer, amigo.... and secondly, I never made love to my mother. She wouldn't.

  • Toreno messing with CJ during the 'Vertical Bird' mission:

Toreno: You see? Child's play!
CJ: Fuck you, Toreno! I never want to go through this again! I think I'm gonna hurl...
Toreno: Ooh, what a big whiner, you want some cheese with that wine? Hey, you were spectacular. You know what, I'm beginning to think my little Carl is a double agent. Oooh.
CJ: Shut up, Toreno. Where do you want this thing?
Toreno: What thing? I don't know what you're talking about - you stole it. Got nothing to do with me, I don't know what you're talking about. See ya 'round.
CJ: Toreno? Toreno! Shit!

  • Earlier in Vertical Bird.

Toreno: Sneak in the back without being seen. Once you're on the inside, I cannot help you.
CJ: Well, can you help me now?
Toreno: Oh, well, no. Actually, no.

  • Oh yeah, and pretty much entirety of the mission where you have to find those two British guys in the desert.

Truth: We faced the inner light and communed with the lizard king.
CJ: Sounds fun. How did it go?
Truth: That's the problem, I don't know. I'm in Los Santos. I woke up in a Japanese bathhouse about an hour ago. I have no idea how I got here or where the others are.

CJ: Man, what the hell was y'all doing last night?
Maccer: Anybody got a rag?

CJ: ...Ehh, so where am I taking y'all?

Maccer: BUT I'M A FOOKING RAZBR'Y!!!
Kent Paul: YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING RASPBERRY!

(CJ and co. driving away from angry snake farm residents)
Maccer: Hey, what about the band?
Kent Paul: We'll just have to pray they've made it to civilization. Keyboardists and drummers are ten-a-penny anyway.

  • In the cargo ship, the elderly Asian man responsible for setting up the refugees throws you a katana and yells that you two should duel with honor...or you can just shoot him, a la Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • Any time CJ and Woozie are interacting is bound to be hilarious.

CJ [shortly after discovering that Woozie is blind]: Uh... Woozie... You do know I'm black, right? And not Chinese?
Woozie: I'm blind, Carl, not stupid.

  • At the rendezvous point after the heist.

CJ: Where's Woozie?
Henchman: He insisted on driving himself. Could be anywhere.

  • Most of CJ's dialogue outside of cutscenes is freaking gold:
    • "You a professional asshole, or just a gifted amateur?"
    • "It's my constitutional right, fool!"
    • "Come on, do I look like a gangster? I'm a businessman!"
    • "What kind of license you got? Fishing license?"
  • A subset of the above dialogue is the snippets of songs he sings during his Idle Animation:
  • Getting CJ really fat makes him say things like this:
  • The second half of the final scene in the Johnson house.

Rosenberg enters with Madd Dogg, Maccer and Kent Paul. Sweet, CJ, and Cesar pull their pistols.
Rosenberg: Whoa, whoa. I come in peace with Mr. Dogg here who has an announcement.
Madd Dogg: My - I mean, OUR first gold record!
Everyone starts cheering.
Maccer: And I've decided to get breast implants.
Paul: Shut up, will ya?
He leads Maccer off into the kitchen.
CJ: Anyway, what's next?
Kendl: We should hit the casinos, roll some dice with Woozie.
Sweet: Nah, we gotta take care of shit here first.
Madd Dogg: We goin' on tour, fan!
Rosenberg: Has anyone got a tissue? My nose is...it just won't stop running - anybody?
Maccer: Yeah, I 'ave. Over 'ere.
Rosenberg: Uh...I'll pass.

  • During the Interception mission that Torento gives you turn the radio station to WCTR and just listen .
    • I beleive you mean the interview between Big Smoke, OG Loc and the radio host Lazlow. It occurs randomly eithier in the beginning of the mission or near the end. Here's a sample:

OG Loc : I've been gangbanging since I was three. Ice cold killaaaa!
Lazlow: Excuse me? Gangbanging? I never realy understood that. I mean, other guys in the room as you- ugh!

  • Kent Paul tries to get Maccer to stop his self-gratification for a few minutes, but it doesn't work:

Paul: Maccer, think of Thatcher mate.

Maccer: MAGGIE OH MAGGIIIEEE!

  • Anything and everything on WCTR. You'd be lying if you didn't listen to it just to laugh.
  • This conversation between CJ and Zero:

CJ: So hey man. Why does this Berkley cat wanna cap you?
Zero: I bested him in honourable combat.
CJ: Oh. So you put hands on him?
Zero: NO, no, no, no! I would never resort to violence.
CJ: Oh. So you knocked his bitch...
Zero: Uh... no. No.
CJ: (puzzled expression) Then what the fuck you do to him then!?
Zero: I beat him at a science fair. (Proudly) First place.
CJ: Wait... So you beat him at a science fair... and he wanna cap you for that?
Zero: Yes.
[Beat]
CJ: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And they say gangbangers is petty and small minded!

  • Lonely Hearts on WCTR. Exhibit A:

Caller: I wish my dog could talk and cuddle me all night...
Fernando: YOU! Stay away from animals! It's not legal, not even for me!

  • The fact that Woozie is the best shot, next to the player (even then depending on the player), in the game! Yeah! Woozie.


Gameplay

  • Do cheats count? One cheat for the San Andreas has cars float away straight up when hit. Or at an angle if hit an angle. Playing handball with a station wagon on the streets of San Fierro and then waving bye-bye as the screaming passengers ascend towards the moon? Utterly magnificent. And here Hillary Clinton was complaining about a hacked mod sex when an easily entered code sends cars full of people asphixiate miles above the earth.
  • Wait for a traffic jam on the highway (or just make one), then blow up a car toward the middle. All the cars around it will explode... and all the ones near those... and all the ones near those... And so on.
  • The low flying two-people planes sometimes glitch and crash. This was kept in on purpose by the programmers because it was awesome.
    • This troper had just exited a pizza shop when one of these crashed straight into CJ. He died of explosion damage, I nearly died of laughter.
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