Once Upon a Time (TV series)/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

Granny: I'm sorry that my heart attack interfered with your plans to sleep your way down the Eastern seaboard.

    • And as it turns out... while she's this in the real world (or implied to be), she's very much not this in the FTW. The red still applies though just in a different way...
  • Graham's Adorkable attempts to flirt with Emma.

Graham: Ah, so you've decided to stay.
Emma: Observant. Important for a cop.

Graham: It's good news for our tourist business, bad for our local signage.

Emma: ...

Graham: ...It's a joke...because you ran over our sign?

    • And then later in the episode, he shows up at her hotel room.

Emma: Oh, hey there. If you're concerned about the Do-Not-Disturb signs, don't worry, I've left them alone.

    • "I'm afraid, Miss Swan, you're under arrest. Again."
    • And then when he offers her a job in "The Price of Gold"...

Emma: Thank you, but I have a job.
Graham: As a bail bondsperson? There's not much of that going on around here.
Emma: I don't see a lot of sheriffing going on here either.
Graham: Well, here's your chance to see it up close. ...There's dental.

    • "What's with the siren?" "It's so hard to get your attention."
    • Their dynamic doesn't alter much after she accepts the job either.

Emma: A tie? You know you don't need to dress a woman as a man to give her authority.
Graham: So you think you can get people do what you want in that red coat?
Emma: I'm getting you to do what I want right now. *crumples and tosses the uniform shirt*

  • Cinderella's Fairy Godmother shows up and promises her that she will be able to go to the ball...and then is blown up in a shower of glitter by Rumpelstiltskin.
  • Henry's reaction to encountering Mr. Gold at Ms. Blanchard's place.

Mr. Gold: *jovially* "Ah, Henry, how are you?"
Henry: *deer-in-the-headlights look* "...oooookay."

  • Mary Margaret's reaction to him showing up several episodes later

Mary Margaret: *deer-in-the-headlights look* "I'll let you two talk." *scampers out*

  • Something about Rumpelstiltskin bending over to allow Cinderella to use his back as a flat surface to sign her contract. It's the visual oddity of the thing.
  • Charming catching Snow in the net:

Snow: What is that supposed to mean? Are you insulting me?
Charming: Quite right, my apologies. How dare I cast aspersions at the person who robbed me!

  • A feverish Graham is surprised by Mr. Gold who has been doing some "gardening" (actually digging/burying something, while still clad in his suit and equipped with his cane) in the forest, and stammers that he thought he (Gold) was a wolf.

Mr. Gold: Ah, did I forget to shave today?

  • Anytime Rumpelstiltskin gives his high-pitched little giggle and/or calls someone "dearie" - bonus points if it's a male character, who usually looks away uncomfortably.
  • Mr. Gold is a veritable goldmine of these.

Emma: *Entering Mr. Gold's antique shop* Gold? You in here?
Mr. Gold: *sotto voce* Well, it is my shop.

  • The Hansel and Gretel episode has the Evil Queen spying on Snow White and the dwarves for a second. She mutters "She's cavorting with dwarves now? When did that happen?" It's the voice that sells it; it's like she's watching a reality show and missed an episode.
  • In the same episode, this verbal exchange between Emma and Regina, when Emma gets called to the drugstore and sees Henry.

Emma: Hey Henry, what are you up to?
Regina: Ms. Swan, he's not your son, how many times do I have to tell you biological bonds mean nothing.
Emma:....Actually, I was here in my capacity as [deputy].
Regina: Oh. Carry on.

    • What sells it is Regina reciting the entire thing like she's reading an instruction manual.
  • Rumpelstiltskin is giving Belle a list of chores to do and she's agreeing to all of them pretty much automatically. Then he lists skinning the pelts off of the children he hunts, which causes her to drop the teacup she was polishing in shock. He then tells her he was just kidding. Doubles as Not Listening to Me, Are You?
    • Later that episode, Gaston shows up—and Rumpel promptly turns him into a rose and hands it to an unaware Belle, who trims it a bit and sets it in a vase.
    • And this line:

Belle: Why do you spin so much?
Rumpelstiltskin: I like the wheel. It helps me forget.
Belle: Forget what?

Rumpelstiltskin: I guess it worked! *giggles*

    • And this.

Belle*about the curtains*: What did you do!?! Nail them down!?!
Rumplestiltskin: *beat* Yes.
Rumpel's adorkableness after he catches Belle: Hmm, sunlight for first time in months, oh wait oh wait holding Belle holding Belle put down now oh god this is awkward she felt nice no stoppit!!!

  • The florist business named "Game of Thorns."
  • Rumplestiltskin's over-the-top offended face when Belle's father calls him a beast.
  • From The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Henry (to Graham): "You kissed my MOM?!?"

  • From What Happened to Fredrick

Emma: I'm not your mom.
Mary Margaret: Well, according to Henry, I'm yours.

  • In 'Desperate Souls' after Emma rescues Regina from the fire, Sydney comes running up with a camera and takes their photo for the next day's paper. The annoyance on Regina's face is priceless.
  • When Nova is surprised that Dreamy's only a year old: "I know, I look young for my age."
  • After building up to what looks like Leroy killing himself by jumping off a building above a crowd of people, he laughs the idea off: "I could hurt someone. I'm solidly built!"
  • "You're gonna trust a doctor who got his medical degree from a pickaxe?"
  • Henry trying to convince Ruby to get a job involving a basket.
    • It's partially the way he keeps tacking on "...in a basket" to every job description and (since we see the screen he's looking at) completely skipping over any job that doesn't involve one. You can almost see him trying to mentally tell Ruby that she's Red Riding Hood.
  • Granny snarking that Ruby dresses like a drag queen during Fleet Week.
    • "Well you dress like Norman Bates when he dresses like Norman Bates' mother!"
  • Happy driven to the breaking point by Snow White's bitchiness.
  • Snow is cleaning and humming happily to herself and it looks like she's made friends with a bluebird...then she starts swinging her broom at it.
  • "I will always find you." ...Punch.
  • The following exchange:

James: Name your price.
Rumpel: How about your cloak?
James: My cloak? Why would you want my cloak?
Rumpel: It's drafty in here. (Sniffs it.)

  • "Crazy son of a bitch."
  • "Henry, I left the code book at home!" "...She's getting in the shower and the keys are under the mat."
  • The pink, heart covered, glitter saturated card bearing the immortal words: 'We're so glad you didn't kill Mrs. Nolan.'
  • "Mr Gold? Are you here for the rent?" "Why does everyone always ask that?"
  • Emma describes August as "a typewriter wrapped in an enigma wrapped in stubble."
  • Much of Gold's conversation with Archie when he thinks August is his son.

Archie: A son! I didn't know you had a son. Ah, how old is he?
Gold: Let's start with something easier.

    • And:

Gold: I think he might still be very angry.
Archie: Well, anger between a parent and child is the most natural thing in the world.
Gold: I think he might be here to try to kill me.
Archie: .......That's...ah. That's...not.

  • Henry tells Emma what he has to say has to be kept very secret. She asks why he's telling her at Granny's. "I'm hungry."
  • Grumpy to Red: "You have a little someone on your chin."
  • "I was saving it... for a rainy day." "Well it's storming like a bitch. Where is it?!"
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