Battlestar Galactica (2004 TV series)/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

  • There's:

Cavil: Frak! * Rage Quit*

  • The Cavil hiding out with the Resistance on Caprica returns to Galactica, and since they already have a Cavil he's revealed as a Cylon. As that Cavil is arrested: "Would you mind telling me what's going on? I am not a frakking Cylon! I'm not... (sees the other Cavil in the cell) Oh. Well. Okay, then."
    • Earlier in the same episode when Tyrol first figures out that Cavil's a Cylon and tackles him. After Tyrol gets up, Adama has every gun present pointed at the Cylon, prompting Cavil to quip, "Well, this is an awkward moment."
  • Any time Cavil threatens Baltar. For instance, when discussing how the Cylons need to instill a little fear in the people of New Caprica:

Cavil: "I know: let's execute Baltar."
Baltar: "What?"

    • And then in "The Eye of Jupiter":

D'Anna: "You give us the Eye of Jupiter, we'll let you go."
Cavil: "And...we'll throw in Baltar."
Baltar: "What are you talking about now?"

  • Felix: "Got any porn in there?"
  • pretty much any moment with Baltar and Head!Six (i.e., the Six that only he can see)
  • After Gaeta perjures himself in Baltar's trial, he angrily brings up the time that Gaeta had tried to kill him with a pen: "The whole fleet knows this man tried to stab me through the neck -- and you missed! Butterfingers!"
    • The best part? That was an ad-lib from James Callis.
  • Felix to Starbuck: "I guess a pity frak is out of the question then?"
    • This was also an ad-lib!
  • The entirety of Baltar's introduction to Head!Baltar, starting with his conversation with Tory.

Tory--I came here on my own.
Baltar--::with a perfectly straight face:: And I slept with your boss last night.
Head!Baltar--Come on, be nice.
Baltar--::no longer has a straight face::

  • This exchange from the pilot, as Tigh and Adama observe Dee flirting with Billy:

Adama: "They better start having babies."

Tigh: "Is that an order?"

  • Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down. The only silly episode in the entire series.
    • Especially the Roslin-Adama-Tigh-Ellen-Baltar argument.
      • Not to mention the part where Baltar tries to delicately mention that there is a nuclear warhead in the room.
    • Lee's face when Tigh's wife starts playing Footsie Under the Table.
    • And the scene after dinner where Lee, Adama, and Roslin can't seem to figure out if it'd be better or worse if Ellen turns out not to be a Cylon.
  • The entire Gaeta/Baltar bathroom conversation in "Six Degrees of Separation."

Baltar (on the toilet): "So, um... How're you doing?"
Gaeta (on the toilet): "Uhh... Mmm..."
Baltar (still on the toilet): "You're busy, yes, I know, I don't mean to distract you, please, don't let me interrupt." *starts to whistle*

    • Later, in that same conversation:

Baltar: "So how's it going over there?"
Gaeta: "Uh..."
Baltar: "In the lab, that is. I'm talking about the photograph."

Hot Dog: How many dead chicks are out there?

  • During one of the bleakest episodes of the series so far, the fleet is about to make a dangerous jump through a multiple star system because the only potential source of food within reach is on the other side. Saul Tigh is telling Adama how the starving civilian population is starting to get unruly.

Adama: I hear they're still eating paper. Is that true?
Tigh No. [pause] Paper shortage.

[They both lose all composure and dissolve into laughter for about half a minute.]

  • Plus this gem from the series finale: "I don't mean to rush you, but you are keeping two civilizations waiting!"
  • "I'm a friendly, okay. We're all friendlies. So let's just... be friendly."
  • "I will?!" "You see them?!"
  • "Bitch took my ride."
  • Baltar is asking Admiral Adama, President Roslin, and Lee Adama for guns. To which the admiral replies, "You both can listen to this if you want. I'm going to the head [1] to do something productive. A little project I've been working on."
  • Starbuck literally drinking Anders under the table.
  • During the miniseries, Adama's reaction to Roslin's message telling him to rendezvous with Colonial One and help aid the civilian ships.

Adama: Is this a joke?

  • During "Torn" Helo asks for a callsign for his wife. Cue the Hurricane of Puns. Among the best: "Chromedome!", "Windup Toy", "Micro Chick!" and "Digital Dame".
  • Colonel Tigh commenting on the primary consequence of destroying the Resurrection Hub: "We blow the hub and billions of skin jobs lose their bath privileges."
  • The ultrasound scan of Tigh's and Caprica-Six's baby, with this offscreen dialogue:

Six: "I thought I saw it."
Tigh: [annoyed] "Saw what?"
Cottle: "Everyone, shut the frak up for a second."

    • Cottle: "Try looking with your eyes... eye."
  • "You know, there are days when I *really hate this job."
  • "Strength comes from within." *Caprica-Six prompts Baltar. Baltar goes O_O for a bit, then...* "... and from guns! More guns, bigger guns, better guns!"
  • More from Cavil in the finale, when informed that firing at Boomer will also risk killing Hera. "Feel free to keep stating the perfectly obvious. It fills me with confidence."
  • Starbuck is stranded on a planet and her only hope is to learn how to fly a Cylon raider that she shot down. The first control she tries turns out to fire its guns, and we cut to her looking completely freaked out and telling herself "Lesson one: don't touch that."
    • Along with Tyrol deadpanning "Don't shoot anything" when she manages to get the ship working again.
  • The best of the conversations where Gaius Baltar has to talk to Head Six and a real person at the same time, from Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part I:

Baltar: "I am not a toy! I am not your plaything!"
President Roslin & Head Six, in stereo: "Plaything?"

    • A minute later, Baltar is washing his face in the lavoratory, and Head-Six appears in the mirror. Baltar tells he he would like to be left alone, if she doesn't mind, and she responds by slamming his face into the mirror.
  • The Battlestar Wiki entry for New Caprican leaf, aka Fleet Wheat, aka Battlestash Galactiganj.
  • Gaeta and Dee's shared eye-roll in "Resistance" when they realise that Tigh's been drinking on duty again.
  • Roslin pranking everyone into thinking she's going to Christen the newly-built Blackbird old sailing ship style (ie, smashing a champagne bottle on it, a very bad idea with this far more fragile vehicle).
  • The moment in "Home: Part 2" when Dr. Cottle asks Baltar to stop moving around in the brain-scanning machine. "Will you stop going crazy in there?" Gaius, wide-eyed and paranoid: "I'm not crazy!!"
  • Gaeta running verbal rings around a frustrated Starbuck duing the mess hall scene in 'A Disquiet Follows Me Soul', ending with the viciously hilarious diss 'I guess a pity frak's out of the question...'
  • Baltar arguing metaphysics with Head-Six in "Six Degrees Of Separation."

Baltar: Which leads me to conclude that Cylons are little more than toasters! ....with great-looking legs.

  • Gaius Baltar trying to calm the Hybrid on the Rebel Basestar while it's making random FTL jumps is just all kinds of hilarious.

Baltar: Shhhh. Shhhh. Hey! Hey, stop jumping the ship!
Hybrid: Calm your mind. Cease countdown. Cease countdown. Circulation. Ventilation. Control. Filters. Filters, the sublime elevation...

Baltar: (Obviously awestruck) Did you see that? I just opened myself up to it on a spiritual leve-

Hybrid: JUMP!

  • This snippet of Roslin's conversation with Head-Elosha:

Elosha: The ancients used to say a people is only as strong as the body of its leader.
Roslin: If I follow that thought... are you saying that humanity died because I died? If you're my subconscious, I've gotta say you're a little full of myself.

  • During 2x03 "Fragged", Baltar points out that Crashdown is clearly crazy to order him to fight in the attack on the Cylons, saying he's never fired a gun in his life. The group's medic points out that she hasn't fired a gun since basic training, and then Baltar glances to Cally, whose response is "I joined to pay for dental school."
  • Hot Dog, as he's about to be launched in a Viper while Galactica is in freefall in New Caprica's atmosphere:
  1. naval term for the bathroom