Columbus: Caleb of Decatur, Georgia writes 'My step-grandparents are trapped in their RV by zombies and I need a good weapon to bust them out, something from around the house.' Tallahassee: Which is why I'm recommending this skillet. Big. Cast iron. Contrary to what you've seen, it won't flatten a face. But the feel of it when you hit something... chills! Your whole arm vibrates. Zombie takes one of these to the head, he ain't getting up.
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.