Jerkass/Quotes

"I aspire to more creativity than the common asshole. I'm more of a ... class-hole, if you will."

—Black Hat Guy, Xkcd

"I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane!
While people behind me are going insane
I use public toilets, and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces!
I'm an asshole!"

—Denis Leary, "Asshole"

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it.You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why!

"Two words--nuclear fucking weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won't make a lick of difference, because we've got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen! And when we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times. That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be.

"I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee Marvin-" "Hey." "-and Sam Peckinpah-" "Hey." "-and a case of whisky-" "Hey!" "-and drive down to Texas-" "Hey! Hey! Hey!"

"Hey, you know, you really are an asshole." "Why don't you just shut up and sing this song, pal?"

—Denis Leary, "Asshole"

"WHAT A GROUCH!!"

—Loud Kiddington, Histeria!

Namine: So why were you saying Zex wouldn't help us?
Axel: Cause he's a jerk.
Zexion: It's true, I am a jerk.

—Ansem Retort

(In response to a Q&A session from a man who survived the Virginia Tech shootings)
I HAVE A COUPLE QUESTIONS FOR YOU BUT, SINCE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH, I WAS NICE AND INCLUDED THE ANSWERS TOO.
Q: WHAT'S VIRGINIA TECH'S FAVORITE WAY OF CONSUMING ALCOHOL?
A: SHOTS
Q: WHAT DOES ANTARCTICA AND VIRGINIA TECH HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THEY'RE BOTH -32
(Later, after the list of victims was posted.)
TL;DR.

—The Ultimate Douche (Reddit, /r/IAmA)

"Me, nice?! I've never been nice in my life! I'm allergic to nice!"

—Bowser Koopa, The Adventures of Super Mario Bros 3

"Why do you put so much energy into pissing people off?"

—Kagura, Azumanga Daioh

"You seem unhappy. I like that."

—Janitor, Scrubs

"Let's be clear here. We're talking about a person that a couple of total assholes find rude."

—Jerry "Tycho" Holkins, (talking about Harlan Ellison), Penny Arcade

"You're so unpleasant even I'm impressed. Do you visit orphanages to explain there's no Santa?"

—Emma Frost, X-Men

"It can't be sustainable for him to be so casually insulting to everyone."

—Hisao Nakai, Katawa Shoujo

Noah: I'm going to enjoy taking control of your body, Kaiba. The first thing I'm going to do is make a big donation to the local children's hospital, and then I'm going to give all the Kaiba Corporation employees a big raise.
Kaiba: You will do no such thing!

—Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series

"You know, there's a word for people like you. I'll give you a hint: It starts with 'bi' and it ends with 'otch'".

—Eikichi Onizuka, Great Teacher Onizuka

Andrew: Why do you have to insult everybody?
John: I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect you to know the difference.

—The Breakfast Club