Blogger Beware/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Reader Beware....You're in for some laughs!

  • The entire last paragraph of the "Be Afraid-Be Very Afraid" recap.
  • Pretty much all of the Cry of the Cat review, but especially the fact the book features decapitations, gravedigging, mouse toy collections, repeated mutilations of one feline that just won't die, a tornado made out of cats, and finally ending with both of the protagonists being furries. At one point, the reviewer comments "we're in uncharted territory here, folks."
    • At one point, the main antagonist Rip, a genetically altered undead life-sucking cat, walks on its hind legs, prompting the reviewer to quip: "The ghost cat tornado breaks into the house, led by Rip, who walks on his hind legs down the stairs. That sounds like the cutest horrific thing ever."
  • His epic breakdown in "Bride of the Living Dummy" where, after 4 books of people acting like ventriloquism is cool, rants a bit ending with that kids would pick anything over ventriloquism short of genocide.
    • Putting "Fuck This Book" in rainbow colors.
    • Evan Ross, meet your new girlfriend.
    • GHOSTWRITER ALERT
      • After Slappy hits the girl: R.L. STINE ALERT
  • His constant Rooting for the Empire in Monster Blood and Monster Blood II due to his hatred of Evan.
    • "R.L. Stine Preemptively Sticks It to the Blog Alert" in the Monster Blood II review.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor," Mr. Ross muttered with a frown.

    • After Andy and Evan decide to return the Monster Blood:

Um, I seem to remember something about No Refunds, which coincidentally should have been the tagline for this series.

  • "The floating heads chase Carly Beth as she looks through the streets for the plaster head. Go back and read that sentence again."
  • After finding out that, after 8 chapters of flashbacks in "Attack of the Jack'O'Lanterns", he's treated to a dream sequence: "Dear R.L. Stine, Get Fucked."
    • His amazement at R.L. Stine's (probably unintentional) racism.
  • His repeated attempts to quit during the Gainax Ending of "The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena".
  • Night Of The Living Dummy III:

"Trina O'Dell and her younger brother Dan, whose cousin Zane will probably disappear forever halfway through that car ride home."

  • Beware, the Snowman: "Marvel as the book goes from zero to stupid in record time"
  • You Can't Scare Me: BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING
  • How to Kill a Monster:"The gist of the letter goes something like this: "Dear kids, sorry we left but a swamp monster invaded our house and we've been afraid to leave. Now that you're here, we can leave. We went to get help and locked you in so you wouldn't get lost in the swamp. You'll be safe so long as you don't let the monster out. If you let the monster out, you'll have to kill it." The actual letter as written is actually dumber than I've made it sound."
  • His constant referencing of "The one where they turn out to be dogs or something" (My Hairiest Adventure)
    • From the review itself:

"Finally the night of the Battle of the Bands arrives. Luckily, Jared's mother was in the audience and while she ignored the other members of the group, she did capture some excellent footage of her son's performance."

  • The Barking Ghost: "You know, I'm a pacifist and even I wanna kick Cooper's ass at this point"
  • Screams in the Night, just Screams in the Night.
    • "I hate you mom. I'm gonna emancipate just like in North. Get it? Because it's 1998.
    • They have a friend named Skate. Skate.
  • His representation of the drawings in "It Came From Beneath The Sink".
    • Do you get the twist yet? That's right: THE CAMERA TAKES PICTURES OF THE FUTURE!
  • One Day at HorrorLand: "The monster, who refers to himself and his coworkers as "Horrors," tells the family to enjoy complementary entrance to the park. When the time comes, the Horrors will take care of them. Get it, it's ominous. As the family heads inside, a pimp, having misheard the conversation, walks up to the counter and demands entry."
  • After Steve kicks a ball covered in cement and Chuck finds his backpack tarred and feathered in "The Haunted Mask II": "What the Hell is this book, Really?"
  • His reaction to all the Ho Yay in "Return to Ghost Camp":
    • After the lead admires a Mark McGuire poster:"It's like it's not even subtext anymore."
    • I bet thousands-and I'm being generous here- of people read this book and mistook their hatred for it for homophobia when they voted for Prop 8."
    • BEE EATING BEE EATING BEE EATING.
    • Why is There a Horse Skeleton on the Cover Alert: Why is there a horse skeleton on the cover?
  • From his Revenge R Us review:
    • But The Twist Is: This book didn't end the series.
  • Any of the "Out of Context Alerts".
  • From Say Cheese and Die!: "Greg's dad almost kills his entire family by not paying attention to the road, then harps on them for complaining. But he's earned that attitude. After all, he's driving A NEW STATION WAGON, MOTHERFUCKER!"
  • Questionable Parenting: Gabe's father is fat.
  • From Stay Out of the Basement: "The kids decide that they should stay in of the basement"
  • The cliffhanger alert for My Best Friend Is Invisible.

On the floor was nothing.
Nothing except... Nothing.

  • This moment from Werewolf Skin.

While driving home from the bus station, Alex tells his aunt and uncle that he would like to dress as a werewolf for Halloween. This news causes Uncle Colin to drive into the incoming lane of traffic and almost get hit by a truck.

  • From The Horror Of Camp Jellyjam, where he mentions how often sports are a part of the books, and this book being the one that's basically a sports camp. The word "sports" is said at least 30 times.
  • From Calling All Creeps when he deduced that the actual twist to the book was the school car wash costing $5 "in 1996 money" after dedicating an entire paragraph to this fact.
  • The Overly Long Gag from the review of The Headless Ghost where he recanted the story of how Hill House got haunted at least four times. But in case you missed it:

The house was built two hundred years ago by a sea captain. On the day construction finished, the captain was called out to sea, leaving his wife behind in the big dark house all by herself. He never came back from his voyage in the flesh, but a year after he left, his ghost appeared in the house to see his bride. Calling out "Annabel!" over and over, he got no response, as his wife had fled the house in his absence. Over the next hundred years, families would report hearing the ghost crying out for his Annabel until the day the Craw family moved in. Thirteen year-old Andrew Craw was a nasty child who would play tricks on his servants and throw cats out of windows. Andrew discovered a secret room in the house. Inside the secret room he found a lit lantern and the ghost of the sea captain. Apparently ghosts can age because the sea captain now sported a long white beard and curved fingernails. Andrew tried to escape the ghost's clutches, but the sea captain was irate that his hiding place has been discovered, and so in retribution he pulled off Andrew's head and hid it in the house. What. The ghost of the sea captain hollered out for Annabel one more time and then disappeared, leaving behind a new ghost in the mansion, Andrew. Andrew still haunts Hill House, searching every room for his missing head.

  • Troy claiming that Inception is an adaptation of I Live In Your Basement, one of his favourites. He then followed that up in Slappy's Nightmare by giving Inception's ending as the Twist.
  • From his review of "Chicken Chicken", we have this gem:

Vanessa whispers "Pig pig" and I literally threw the goddamn book across the room.

  • Whenever Troy does a quiz instead of a review (on the prospect that the book in question is easily predictable), some of the choices given are hysterical. To name a few:
    • From Fright Camp:
      • 16. The threat of being shot doesn't deter some campers from attempting to leave, so Farraday has the staff remove what?

D. All of the children. What isn't there can't escape.

    • From The Werewolf in the Living Room:
      • EXTRA CREDIT. What is Aaron's solution to all of his problems?

B. Cut a bitch.

    • From Monster Blood III:
      • 02. Andy tricks Evan into thinking she put Monster Blood in his sandwich. Evan reacts by:

B. Laughing it off. After all, she's his friend and he's no idiot.
C. Screaming and panicking. After all, he's an idiot.

      • 04. Kermit performs complex science experiments, even though he's only in grade school. This is plausible because:

C. It isn't plausible, this is a Goosebumps book.

      • 13. Conan beats up Evan. Since he refuses to hit girls, Conan retaliates against Andy by:

A. Borrowing her widescreen copy of Mean Girls and returning the fullscreen version.

B. Spoiling the series finale of Designing Women.

C. Throwing her high atop a tree.

D. Holy cat, do you realize that was the correct answer?

      • 14. Andy sneaks some Monster Blood into one of Kermit's potions while Evan distracts him by:

B. Getting beat up again, this time by the mailman.

      • 21. Conan gets revenge on Giant-Evan by:

A. Beating up his little toe.
B. Taking Monster Blood-- on a date. That'll make Evan so jealous!
C. Calling the fire department to hose-down Evan.
D. Jesus Christ.

      • 23. Evan runs away and hides:

D. In plain sight, makes noises like a building.

      • 24. Evan thinks of a solution to his predicament by recalling that earlier, Kermit gave Andy a potion that:

A. Somehow caused Evan to die in a fire, making Andy the lead character.

      • 25. While Kermit gets to work concocting a new shrinking potion for Evan, Andy has her priorities straight: She:

D. Stops to consider the plausibility of the events occurring, resulting in the universe folding in on itself.

      • 27. Kermit fixes the potion. This time the potion:

D. Does some other shit to pad the page length.

      • 28. Just as the cops pull into the driveway, Evan is given a third potion. This potion:

B. Makes him snort like a pig, causing the cops to draw their weapons.

      • BONUS QUESTION. After another (!) dream sequence, Evan awakes to discover that, to his horror:

A. The wheels have come off his race car bed.

D. R.L. Stine actually gets paid for this garbage.

  • Troy's reaction to story "Something Strange About Marci":

There is absolutely nothing I can say about this short story that can beat just posting the last line without comment. So here it is, make up your own story: "That's when I realized that Marci wasn't an orangutan."

    • One commenter who had read the story claimed that it actually makes less sense in context.
  • Troy drawing attention to the dumb tagline of Don't Go to Sleep: "Rise and Shine. Forever." ("What does that even mean?"). The comments relating to that tagline were pretty funny as well.
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