Gears of War/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

  • Early in Gears of War 1, as Delta gets their first look at Alpha Squad, currently pinned down by multiple Troika turrets.

Lt. Kim: "Alpha, we have a visual on your location."
Baird: "We'd like to have your ammo on our location right now."

  • Baird's quote after the Berserker is defeated and Marcus gets promoted: "No, don't give The Smart Guy a promotion, give it to a jackass instead."
  • Dom And Cole at the beginning of Act 2:

Cole: "Yeah, I'm gonna find me some Locust, and I'm gonna ruin their day. You know what I mean? I bring the pain!"
Dom: "Don't you ever get tired?"
Cole: "Hell to the no!"

  • Baird and Cole ending up in a sewer at one point.
  • Cole grabs a microphone while inside the Locust base and interrupts the encourage of the Locust Horde by the Locust Queen Myrrah, taunting them all with this: "Delta Squad is in yo' house, bitch! You hear dat shit?! You grubby-ass bitches are goin' down! Like way down -- dead down... so down you ain't even gonna know which way is up! Yo' asses are gonna be cryin' to yo' skank-ass queen! 'Oh mommy, don't let the bad man hurt us!' Fuck you! We gonna whoop yo' momma's ass! WOO!!"
    • It must be heard to truly appreciate the awesomeness.
    • It shows up again in Gears of War 3. If you activate the Thrashies ad that plays sound repeatedly, it will eventually play the rant instead of its usual soundbite ("The Cole Train runs on whole grain, baby! Whoo!").
  • As the Lambent board the Sovereign in Gears of War 3, several drones go through Dom's garden (and if you gun them down, they explode in Dom's garden).


  • A sniper manages to get Clay Carmine in his sights... It doesn't work.
  • When Cole returns to Cougars Stadium, his old home field, the Lambent follow and a fight breaks out on the field. He goes into an Indulgent Fantasy Segue where he's running a bomb like a football past waves of Lambent and "spikes" it on the Stalk. While he's doing an endzone dance, the stalk explodes, sending him flying. The others come over to him, and try to move him, only for him to pop up like nothing happened.

Cole: Haha! The Train's still got the moves, baby! Now that was a move I first used against the Eagles in the national finals! Course, them bitches didn't explode!

    • Even better: The explosion literally knocks Cole out of the flashback! Before it goes off, he (thinks he)'s wearing his thrasball uniform, and after he lands, he's back in his real armor.
  • Marcus asks how to kill the Lambent Leviathan. Baird has an idea. Cole interprets.

Cole: "Uh, puttin' it scientifically? We need to blow his brains out his ass!"

  • When part of Delta is about to fall off a collapsing bridge in Gears of War 3, we get this gem from the ever sarcastic Baird to Samantha Byrne:

Baird: "I suppose you want me to say I've always loved you. But I don't! I really, really don't!"

  • While exploring the Savage Locust fortress:

Dom: So, any idea where we are now?
Baird: Um... in the shit. (holds hand over his head) Up to here.

  • "When a Mommy Corpser and a Daddy Corpser love each other very much...." It's just the way Baird delivers that line that sells it as one of the funniest moments in the entire game.
  • The hilariously awkward scene in the elevator near the end of Gears of War 3, culminating in Marcus yelling for someone to shut up the intercom and Baird obliging by swiftly shooting it with his Snub before immediately going back to the conversation.
  • Clayton Carmine's Big Damn Heroes moment. As viewed here.

Clayton: Eat dirt and die motherfucker! Eat that you bitch! (Five seconds later) Oh shit! Shit! We're on fire! WE'RE ON FIRE!"

  • An Easter Egg in Gears of War 3 has you fight A giant, golden, fire-breathing chicken. It explodes into rainbows when you kill it.
  • The video at the 2010 Comic-Con, calling for fans to vote whether Clayton Carmine lives or dies. It has Dietrich Carmine applying for life insurance, only to be declined as the family is bankrupting the company. The various ways the salesman describes how Carmines die is especially hilarious.

"Who plays Torque Bow Tag?! You shoot arrows at people that make them explode!"

  • Unintentional hilarity can occur when running past certain destructible objects while revving the chainsaw bayonet. Watching Marcus charge a Locust soldier with his chinsaw roaring only to whip around and destroy a couch because the apparently color deeply offends him is hilarious.
  • Clay sounds exactly like his brothers. The high-pitched voice suits skinny guys like them, not so much a big ol' beef mountain like Clay.
    • There's also his apparent obsession with bacon.
  • Speaking of bacon, one of the Stranded offer to trade Cole a side of bacon for Sam Byrne. Baird urges Cole to take the deal because they haven't had bacon in six months.
  • A Mondegreen I've been hearing since Gears of War 1: when Cole does a perfect active reload, he will sometimes shout "It's go time, baby!". I have been hearing it as "It's jail time, baby!". "Jail time" of course meaning Prison Rape, and as we all know, Double Standard Rape (Male on Male). [1]
  1. Except in real life. Then it's terrible.