If I Was Your Nazi

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

Roxas and Axel are two average young men running around Germany - teasing each other about their crushes, playing chess, working part-time...

...well, except that their part-time job is in the SS. Did we forget to mention this is World War II Germany and the Holocaust is in full swing?

A notorious little fic, If I Was Your Nazi takes Organization XIII from Kingdom Hearts and rudely shoves them into the Holocaust... without giving up their Draco in Leather Pants status. Roxas and Axel run around being horrified by the Holocaust yet never doing anything about it, while other characters from the game pop in and out at seemingly random intervals to do nothing of much importance. In fact, WWII Germany feels a lot like an average American high school. Horribly offensive to just about everyone who had any part in the Second World War, combined with absolutely awful Beige Prose and characters so out of character it's unbelievable, it's worth a read if you can make it through the first three chapters without throwing something at the screen.

Oh, and Roxas and Axel are gay. Big surprise.

After about seven chapters, the author abandoned the project, and under much scorn, finally pulled it from Fanfiction.net. The Snakes on a Sora Livejournal still holds a sporking of it, however, and the The Fanfiction Critic did a hilarious review.

Tropes used in If I Was Your Nazi include:
  • Adolf Hitler: Basically presented as Mr. Burns.
    • His speeches are no longer the rousing, exciting, theatrical affairs they are in canon. Instead, they're demoted to boring.
  • Aerith and Bob: The names of the Kingdom Hearts characters are completely bizarre in Nazi Germany. Or just Germany in general. It's made worse by the author giving all the characters inexplicably German surnames.
  • Artistic License History: A recurring scene is Roxas and the other Org members cataloging valuables. Wow, there are a lot of shiny expensive things (the author seems to like describing them). You'd never think Germany had just come out of a massive, crippling depression.
    • No-one seems to take issue with Roxas being gay (strike #1 if you're a Nazi), being a Jew (Nazi strike #2), or opposing Hitler (Strike #3! Out).
    • The author seems to have failed to realise that although Hitler did have a secret bunker, he did also have another building he generally used for other things during most of his time in power. Operating from an underground hideout would just be inconvenient.
    • During the Second World War, the First World War was called the 'Great War', not WW 1.
    • The Final Solution was implemented in 1942. This fic takes place in around 1940, when the Blitz was. Although Jews were being killed in camps before the Final Solution was implemented, the story implies that it has been going on for ages already.
  • Artistic License Religion: In the basement of the house of a Jewish family are a bunch of glass figurines of the Virgin Mary. Why?
  • Artistic License Geography: The street names in Berlin are awfully...not German. 'Augenstrasse' means 'eye street'. According to Google Maps, it doesn't exist.
    • And you can apparently get from Berlin to Auschwitz, Poland by car in just a few hours.
  • Beige Prose: Somehow, this story manages to make descriptions of tormented concentration camp victims bland.

Jews and other undesirables were being loaded into trains and were deported to extermination camps. Hitler was still a very prominent figure of the Third Reich.

  • Being An Evil Nazi Sucks: Yes. Yes, it does.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: "“This kind of thing is disgusting.” Riku said, sticking out his tongue in disgust."
  • Double Standard Rape (Male on Male): Averted in that the supposed attempted rapist (although it isn't quite clear how a starving, fragile and traumatised victim of a concentration camp would even manage to attempt to rape a completely healthy, strong and physically fit SS guard...) is hanged. Ouch.
  • Everyone Can See It: Several other characters remark on how unusually touchy and close Axel and Roxas are.
  • Evil Makeover: Christmas trees get one. The stars on top get replaced with swastikas.
  • Gratuitous German: The author only seems to know four or five German words, which leads to "augen" ("eyes") being used for both a street name and the name of an Auschwitz guard.
    • Axel's surname, von Niemand, literally means "of Nobody".
  • High School AU: The entire fic feels like the author originally intended to write a high school story, but decided to make it stand out by setting it in WWII.
  • How Do I Used Tense?: "“Some people came in here and demanded that they saw the Führer. When Kairi said no, they opened fire.” Saix began."
  • In the Past Everyone Will Be Famous: Axel's dad is Heinrich Himmler, who is portrayed in similar terms to Gendo Ikari.
  • The Matchmaker: At one point, Heinrich Himmler tries to be this to Rikku and Axel.
  • Not That There's Anything Wrong with That: "The occupants of the house were clearly proud of being Jewish, not that Roxas had a problem with it." (Though being a member of the SS, he probably should have...)
  • Out of Character: Everyone, obviously.
  • Politically-Correct History: Roxas holds amazingly modern views on Hitler, the Nazis, and the Holocaust.
    • According to this fic, the Holocaust happened "because people don't understand".
  • The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Horribly averted in that Axel and Roxas go on patrol, visit concentration camps and seem to have active duty as SS members (all while bitching and complaining about how boring it is...)
  • Those Wacky Nazis: Impressively, this fic somehow manages to mostly avert this trope. The Kingdom Hearts characters are nowhere close to being stereotypical Nazis (with the possible exception of Seifer), mostly because of the whole Draco in Leather Pants thing going on with the Organization.
  • Understatement: According to this fic, being gay in Nazi Germany was "looked down upon". LOOKED DOWN UPON.

"Hanukkah wouldn’t be accepted well in the Third Reich, so this wasn’t really any surprise"

  • Useless Protagonist: Axel and Roxas frequently voice their very modern views on the Holocaust and Nazi policy but never actually do anything about it. Ever.
    • Nor do they get punished for expressing these views, despite discussing them where other people could overhear.
  • UST: Axel and Roxas supposedly have it.
    • During the incredibly pointless Axel-Rikku date chapters, Axel and Rikku have more UST than Axel and Roxas. Hell, Rikku and Axel come across as practically Tsundere for each other.
  • Wham! Line: "He frantically took a shortcut through a side alley and found himself at his destination. After walking through the doors, the redhead found himself face-to-face with Himmler, the head of the SS and Axel’s father."

Axel: *SPITTAKE* SPFFFFFFFTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFF

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