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Fan Fiction Friday

• The Tohts in Fan Fiction Friday never cease to crack me up.
• This gem of a line from the Comics Nix classic tale of star-crossed lovers Optimus Prime and Princess Leia about Optimus's anus, which R2-D2 enters...yes, really: "A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place."
  • Followed up with Rob's later comments: (when discussing R2's motivations) "Am I concentrating on this in a desperate attempt to ignore the fact that Optimus Prime's asshole is apparently the happiest, most beautiful place in the universe? POSSIBLY."
  • Rob on the fact that Jabba owns Jar-Jar Bink's severed, carbon frozen penis: "I'm beginning to feel that Jabba has some issues."
  • "OPTIMUS PRIME HAS DISNEYLAND IN HIS ASS, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT"
  • "Leia, your leather clad bikini lighten up my boron buttocks!"
• *whickers*
• Yoda and Tequila. All of it.
• Rob's response to a line about a baton stuck up Parappa's rear end in this FFF:

"Fic": CHAPTER 3 MEANWILE suny was at police car wit Parapa and say "woooooooow it really in their like a sord in a stone! how we get it out"? Rob: WE MUST FIND THE TRUE KING OF ENGLAND

• Rob's reaction to the infamously Sick and Wrong fic Chibi Usas Seventh Birthday:

Fic: "I should go first, I'm her mother! Rob: *Toht* --- Fic: "Chibiusa, you're a bit too tender for anything vaginal, so I'm goingto push this banana up your asshole.", Rob: *Scanners head*

• Rob taking on an incomprehensible Mind Screw of a Saved by the Bell fic.
• The thoroughly disturbing Rebecca and Brianna's [REDACTED Adventure] original character fic, which so horrified Rob that the ending earned eight Scanners pictures.
• One particularly unsettling story (listed on the site under the heading "???") was summed up by Rob's fantastic line: "When chickens purr in an erotic fan fic, you know bad shit is about to go down."
• "INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THE GODDAMN PUMPS, FUCKSTICK."
• The complete and total insanity of Garfield: Royal Rescue 1 and 2.
  • Especially the song "Love is Lasagna"

Rob: WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE LYRICS TO A SONG TITLED "LOVE IS LASAGNA" AS WRITTEN BY GARFIELD. PLEASE HOLD ALL HEAD ASPLOSIONS UNTIL THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE. Fic: "Oh Babe when I see your eyes / It is making my pants rise / The feeling is out of control / From my lovin there is no parole / Love Is Lasagna / Food that is Feeding my soul / Love Is Lasagna / It is not no casserole / Oh Babe I am at the end of my ropes / I want to taste your sweet cantaloupes / Your body is buffet of desire / In bedroom I will never tire / Love is Lasagna / We will be melting like Mozzarella cheese / Love is Lasagna / My appetite only you can appease / Oh babe you are delicious like lasagna feast / I will devour your body whole like beast / Lonely Man Walking Lonely Path Alone / Now we are together all night we will moan / Love is Lasagna / One serving is never enough / Love is Lasagna / You are knowing I like it rough / Love is Lasagna / Soft and gooey give me one more slice / Love is Lasagna / I will be taking you to paradise Rob: *10Head Asplodes*

• "Kids come running for the great taste of Tits!"
• "BATMAN JUST TALKED TO HIS OWN DICK."
• "Now imagine it covered in vaginal lubricant. IF I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT YOU DO TOO"
• "Oooorrrrgggghhhh!"
• "Um, yeah. There's nothing quite as erotic as rubbing your dick on a pile of rocks. Why, I can't walk down a cobbled road without wanting to drop to the ground and start humping it."
• The entirety of Rob's reactions throughout "The Miracle Of Life", including "This is happening", and his reaction to Starscream's caesarean section.
• The utter insanity of what Rob calls "The Fievel Story."

Comments

• This exchange between resident Nightmare Fuel Station Attendants Abraxas and Sango.

Abraxas: "my god, it's full of cock, wait, no... look at my onahole. now look at your Na'Vi flesh light. sadly, it's not an onahole. but it could be if you were fucking the space taken up by Neytiri. look up. now down. you're in Rob's basement. he's having fun with the onahole you could be having if your Na'Vi fleshlight where an onahole. what's in my hand? it's a cum filled ruler you can make of your cum if you used an onahole and not a triagonal vajayjay. anything is possible with your onahole.... now with 400% pleasure satisfaction plus" Sango: "He is on a Direhorse. Or rather, IN a Direhorse." Abraxas: "look again. the direhorse is now a xildo" (xenomorph dildo) Sango: "Look again. That Xildo is now DIAMONDS" Abraxas: "Anything is possible when you use an onehole." Sango: *whistles to the tune of Rob's weekly screaming fits*

• • This exchange between them is also brilliant:

Abraxas: "where are Devastator's balls?" Sango: "Why else do you think he's wearing a huge metal codpiece?" Abraxas: "but a decepticon's balls are supposed to be properly displayed! a decepticon's balls make autobots question their trips through Potimus's rectum and make John Torturro bend over like a bitch! this...this is not how a decepticon's balls should be cared for. Devastator - I am filled with rage at how you abuse your matrix given balls!" Sango: "Is there a certain way Decepticon balls should smell, Vegetacon?" Abraxas: "like 137 octane gasoline!" Sango: "Maybe Exxon-Mobil should tap the untapped reservoir of Deceptiballs."

• And they had a field day here

Abraxas: "it's ... it's ... it's lucas - he's trying to break free of the colon! i'm deciphering the message, yes, it's coming in .. it's ... 'BEANO'? what could this mean?? george, we'll get you free of that colon, just hang on!" Sago: "when 900 years old you reach, have sphincter control, you will not."

• Sago attacks a Troll with a trick he learned from Dr. Abraxas.
• Rickicker's epic post-FFF suicides.
  • Any time Sago and Dr. Abraxas try to one up each other, Nightmare Fuel, Squick and lulz follows.

Other

• Even the 404 page is funny. ^{[dead link]}
• The birth of "WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?!" after a particularly wretched Pokémon FFF.
• This part of the Transformers 3 FAQ:

Q: I don't find Rosie Huntington-Whiteley that attractive. A: Well, Michael Bay sure does, because the first scene after the title is a close-up of her ass, only in panties, walking up the stairs for a good 30 seconds. And again, all the males in the movie leer at her unsettlingly. Even Bumblebee, when he first sees Rosie, freaks out and breaks a chandelier. Ha ha, it's funny because she's so attractive ha ha ROBOTS WANT TO FUCK OUR WOMEN.

• Rob's reaction to the news that Christopher Lee was recording a "symphonic metal" album about the life of Charlemagne, his ancestor. It's so over the top it's hillarious.
• The DVD Day for the 14th of Februrary, check Nude Nuns with Big Guns.

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