Marik Plays Bloodlines/Funny

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• "I think we should go with the 'sexy' vampire, that way I won't have to do much actual roleplaying."
• "...well you know, it's your own fault for being bitten by a vampire, because you wore your shirt in such a douchey manner!"
  • (as thugs armed with wooden stakes break into the apartment) "Watchtower~" (stakes PC and woman he was with) "GAH! Talk about morning wood! Heh, did that joke for Rex and Weevil."
• "It's like being attacked by a demonic Shakira! HER HIPS DON'T LIE!"
• When he finally gets control for the first time:

Marik: Wait, what am I supposed to be doing? So...to summarize, vampires exist, and they like to hold really ineffectual club meetings in theaters under cover of darkness--and most of them live in California...man, these aren't vampires, they're actors who can't get work!

• When he's being briefed on his new life:

Jack: Now you're half beast, half man-- Marik: Wait, I'm a furry too?! Oh, god! this day just gets worse and worse!

• Can't forget this bit...

Marik: Man, I can't believe on my first day as a vampire, I sucked off a hobo! Bakura: (laughs) Marik: What's so funny?! Bakura: What you just said.. HAHAHAHA... Marik: Ehhh, I don't get it!

• His rant at the PC's crappy apartment:

Marik: Wow, it's nice to see that the vampire society didn't spare me any expense in my accomodations! (looking at the stained bedclothes) And oh hey! My bedclothes are covered in urine! They shouldn't have! Something tells me that "Jack" guy had something to do with this. (imitating Jack) "(gibberish) come here to piss on yer bed! (gibberish)" And what's with all these freaking notes?! I have a computer--it's right there! Just email me! What is this, the Dark Ages?! I know you're vampires and all, but come on! (sits at a laptop with a primitive looking command line OS) And oh good! My laptop is apparently on loan from the 1980's! (imitating a monotone computer voice) "Hello, Mr. Ishtar. Would you like to play a game?" I feel like frigging Strong Bad here...(reading) "Mercurio will contact you when you get to San--" yeah, maybe Mercurio can run over here and de-urinate my freaking bed, huh? How about that?! (reading an "enlarge your penis" spam e-mail) Hey Bakura! I think I got some of your e-mail by mistake! Bakura: Piss off, Marik! Marik: Hahaha! Man, I think this laptop has over 8MB of RAM!

• Foxy boxes...
• Mercurio has been wounded and is lying on his couch

Mercurio: What is this lump? Is this my rib?! Marik: No thats your penis. Mercurio: My rib is poking through my side! Marik: No, your penis is poking through your side.

Mercurio: You gotta look and tell me! Marik: Dude! I don't care how wasted I am on hobo blood, I'm not looking at your junk!

• Marik dubbing over the voices in the execution scene in the theatre

Guy: This is the least accurate production of Hamlet I've ever seen!

• The entire battle in the apartment after Marik picks up a stray car stereo. From beating a thug that looks like John Cena to the string of pop culture references and Incredibly Lame Pun firing squad when taking out the trash:

Marik: (after wailing on some thugs with a baseball bat) Hey, check it out--vampire bat! HA! It's funny because I broke his legs.

• This bit's hilarious as well

La Croix: If Mister Rodriguez would let me finish... Marik: Well I'ma let you finish, but Dracula was the greatest vampire of all time! OF ALL TIME!

• In Part 5:

Marik: But wait, what am I supposed to do with that dead body I left in the parking lot? Seriously, Bakura, you kill lots of people. Do you have any advice? Bakura: Well, what I usually do is drive out into the desert and I bury them beneath your treehouse. Marik: I thought you said you were building sandcastles. Bakura: No, just sand-mausoleums, I'm afraid. Marik: Is that what happened to Mr. Tweetums? Bakura: -Evil Laughter- Marik: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Come back Mr. Tweetums! Come back Artax, stupid horse!

• • Marik laments the vampire's lack of a reflection.

Marik: Dammit, how am I supposed to know if I'm good-looking or not? Bakura, tell me I look sexy! Bakura: (panicked) Guh - no! Marik: Oh, what good are you?!

• In Part 6, Marik enters the house of Mel Gibson. Many Take Thats ensue, but every time he does so, something terrible happens, and he desperately tries to appease Gibson's spirit.
• Most of the descriptions for the vampire classes, whether they're Shout Outs like "The Disney's Tarzan vampire, complete with soundtrack by Phil Collins," or the "haters gonna hate" vampire.
• The Slender Man's cameo appearance, where he insists he is an "elite gamer" and tells Marik to give Mel Gibson a blowjob.
• THEY TOUCH BUTTS WITH THEIR BUTTS!
• Marik's conversation with a Doomsday Prophet.

Prophet: The bones of your ancestors will rise up to reclaim the flesh that they left their sorry protege! Marik: Daddy is that you? No, he doesn't have that murderous glint in his eyes my father used to have.

• The April Fools' Day video

Marik: A lot of people have been theorizing whether or not Bakura and I are in a relationship. I want to put those rumors to rest right now, okay? Technically- *static* KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY!... BILL YOUR FAMILY! BILL YOUR FAMILY! BILL YOUR F- Oh wait, I'm saying 'bill them'. That wouldn't be very evil, would it? More of a trivial annoyance than anything. Let me start over...

• Early in episode 8, Marik mistakes a pawn shop for a porn shop. After relizing what the shop really sells...

Marik: ...Wait, this isn't porn, what the frig is this? What kind of friggen porn is this? Bakura: Maybe you haven't been reading the right stuff. Marik: Silly Bakura, you can't have sex with a tire iron. (beat) Can you? Bakura: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA Marik: Oh and again with the laughing at me. It's not so much evil as it is condescending, that's what really bugs me.

• Later on in the episode Marik is convinced the security guard is drunk when he unlocks the door by breaking open the lock.

Marik: Y'know what, maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions, he might not actually be drunk. (beat) Okay, no, he's definantly drunk. (mimics a drunken slur) "Well I think I've had enough tequilla but I better go down to the office and makes so everything is secure, and if anyone comes in and tries to tell me they're a technician, I'll just break open the nearest door and let them in. 'Cuz I'm a good security guard! I'm not drunk!". Secuity Guard You can let yourself out. Marik (mimicking) "Which is more then I can say for myself because I'm so drunk!".