Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking/Fan Works

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • The reasons for My Name Is Haruno Sakura being "M"-rated: "[...] lesbian, heterosexual, and gay sex, menstruation, masturbation (female), rape, child abuse, drug abuse, excessive swearing, self-mutilation, and teenagers wanting to go to school.[...]".
  • From The Sacred and the Profane: "...Caphriel had a bizarre tendency to get upset over the slightest things, like murder and rape and duck torture." Mostly used to show that, no, Zirah really doesn't see much difference in the levels of those crimes; why do you ask?
  • From The Joker's Wild, a Teen Titans crossover in which The Joker features prominently (mind you, he sent Harley out to get torture implements): "Did you get everything? The drills? The nails? The acid? The matches? The custard?" This doubles as Noodle Implements.
  • In one Digimon fanfic featuring Yuehon, the Digidestined of China, this exchange occurs between her and the only remaining Digidestined of North Korea.

Yuehon: You mass murdering, constantly lying, twisted and unrepentant Pepsi drinking lunatic! Who the hell do you think you are?!
Ko Hyo: It's not who I am. It's who I work for. And I prefer Coke.

Gonzap: Very smart, Wes. You've destroyed our main snag machine, and stolen the other one. You took our zoomer. And to boot, you used those explosives we had been planning to use as well to utterly destroy our base. AND half of my moustache has burnt off, and I don't have any eyebrows anymore. You'll pay for this.

  • Archive of Our Own states in the Terms of Service: "Unless it violates some other policy, we will not remove Content for offensiveness, no matter how awful, repugnant, or badly spelled we may personally find that content to be."
  • Confessions, in which Draco is in love with Harry and tells him that he would have preferred to be in love with someone "smarter, with less of a hero syndrome and better hair."
  • In Kyon: Big Damn Hero, Kyon mentions casually to Sasaki that he has to meet several past instances of people, fight 12 thugs at once, arrange to deliver an alien artifact and study for a math test. It scares the crap out of adult Mikuru, but Sasaki doesn't take it seriously.
  • From Those Lacking Spines: "Organization XIII was not a nice group of sort-of-kind-of-former people. They toyed with minds, they twisted relationships, they used lives as tools, they manipulated innocents, they spread chaos, they captured hearts, they lengthened the lines at the DMV and they commanded Heartless."
  • Harry Potter and Lord of Zenth Mage, an over-the-top Harry Potter fic, has this plot summary on Fanfiction.net, immortalized by babb_chronicles:

Harry is Son of Power, High Lord of Zenth Mage, Heir of ShaoLinWudanParaohRomeMongolian Emperor, and Super Warrior. He plays Voldemort, Dumbledore, fool ministery as his pawns. He will have relationships with girls.

"I, Light Yagami am Kira. I'm a killer, a murderer, maybe even a bad person."

  • In Forward, River catalogues her injuries after a prolonged pursuit, crash, walk across the desert, and gunfight.

Catalogue of injuries: hairline fracture in shin. Multiple fractured or broken ribs. Lacerations, bruising of back, vertebrae, possibly wrenched shoulder and back muscles. Bullet lodged in gut, precise location unknown. Head trauma, ninety-plus percent probability of concussion (postulate round ricocheting off boulder and bouncing off skull, or maybe shrapnel knocked loose by same) Bruised jaw. Sunburns.

Of course, no one wants to watch innocent people get murdered, so they choose criminals, vagrants, delinquents, and apparently schoolgirls with too many absences.

  • In The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth: "Sauron would going to roast her for breakfast. He would make her grow long pointy nails. He would flunk her." (OK, the latter might be pretty bad for a fangirl, who'd have to leave Middle-Earth.)
  • In Niceties in a Crisis Kurt is telling Will off for treating him unfairly. While speculating about why Will doesn't like him, he says: "I don't know if it's some kind of latent homophobia, or that you don't really know what to do with me, or if you just don't want someone in the club whose hair is better than yours."
  • This Axis Powers Hetalia Kink Meme fill shows the nations' meeting expenses; they spent thousands and thousands of dollars on everything from strippers to long-distance phonecalls to tweezers, and then one dollar and fifty cents on gum.
  • During The Emiya Clan Christmas Special, this is invoked when Keiko gets her hands on the God/Burning Gundam.

Keiko: "I AM AWESOME! I AM ALMIGHTY! I AM OMNIPOTENT! I AM GOING TO DESTROY CANADA!"

  • In the Naruto/Negima crossover fanfic Broken Faith by Kur0Kishi has this as well in a side mission unrelated to the main plot.

"Sorry, calling it a missive is an understatement. He sent a clone that somehow traveled 500 miles from here to our Main Headquarters in under 3 hours over land and water, bypassed all official channels and communication protocols, slipped through our ward scheme like it wasn't there and evaded 130 individuals affiliated with our Association, including our entire Security Force. I found him drinking a bottle of 1978 Montrachet wine while chatting with my wife about the finer points of miso ramen in my own private quarters."

  • In the Bleach fanfic The First Guardian the first chapter has a list of things Ichigo can't do (given to him by his Zanpakuto Spirit):

"You can't fly, Ichigo."
"You can't phase through walls, Ichigo."
"You can't read minds, Ichigo."
"You can't use the Force to trick people into buying you things, Ichigo. The Force doesn't even exist."
"You can't stay up all night today, you have exams coming up soon and you have to be on your best."

Lenny: Uh, bad news, boss! It would appear that Dave blew up the navigation console, and Biff knocked off the steering wheel. And Jeff just broke a window!

    • And from another episode:

Andy: Where do you suppose that (a door) leads to?
Sherman: I dunno. Dungeon, torture room, bloodthirsty zombie, the mansion's balcony.

    • Another instance:

Mother Brainstorm: YOU'LL MOW THE LAWN! YOU'LL DO THE GROCERY SHOPPING! YOU'LL SCRUB THE FLOORS! YOU'LL CLIP MY THICK YELLOW TOENAILS! YOU'LL BE WATCHING DAYTIME TALK SHOWS WITH ME!

    • And again:

Sherman: (translating hieroglyphics) Let me see here, curse... curse... another curse... insurance guarantee... ah, here we go.

    • And in the very first episode[1], Hobbes lists his Overly Long Name as "The Ultimate and Most Powerful Predator on the Planet Earth, with Razor Sharp Teeth, Deadly Claws, and Urge to Kill Stuff, and Also Has Opposable Thumbs, and is Able to Stand Up On Two Legs".
  • In the crossover fic National Security, America is mildly miffed whoever decided he should go into hiding after he ends up with Neal Caffrey on the grounds he could have been stuck with an actual bad guy like a murderer or a rapist or a non-taxpayer.
  • In the Harry Potter fic Meet the Godparents, Harry was nervous about meeting Ron's Aunt Muriel at her cottage and tried to joke about it, telling Hermione "I've outflown a dragon, I've faced down hoards [sic] of Death Eaters, and I've snatched the last dessert away from Ron."
  • In the RWBY Alternate Universe Fic Service with a Smile, Ruby unintentionally invokes this on herself while dancing with Mercury:

"Who'd be afraid of you? I'm a huntress. I fight Grimm. I drink milk."
They held one another's gaze for a minute of dancing, Ruby's face slowly turning pink.
"You want me to ignore that last one?" he finally asked.
"Please..."

  1. ↑ it's a Script Fic
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