Ax Crazy/Quotes

8-Bit Theater

Thief: We start a nice friendly conversation. Then, bam, the mugging.
Black Mage: And then the urinating.
Thief: ...
Black Mage: What? I gotta go!
Thief: And what, do you need a victim?

Black Mage: It just feels like I'm wasting my time if someone isn't hurt.

—Eight Bit Theater

Black Mage: First I will murder him and then I will kill him.

Black Mage: Then? Then I will go to work on him.

—Eight Bit Theater

Black Mage: I'm so mad I could...
Black Mage: Could... Could...
Black Mage: Tinkle!
Black Mage: Excuse me.
Thief: What's worse? That he urinates when he is angry or he calls it tinkle?
Red Mage: With Black Mage, it's really a menagerie of horror. I can't keep track of more.

Black Mage: Die, Ants, Die!
Thief: Is he...
Red Mage: He likes to have victims.
Thief: It must take a tremendous amount of energy to be that unnecessarily creepy.

Black Mage: I killed things. I feel better.
Thief: Big deal, they were bugs.
Black Mage: Putting them on your level, yes.
Red Mage: Just promise to murder me with your pants on.

Black Mage: I promise nothing.

—Eight Bit Theater

Shut. Up.

Ahahahah! Gut you myself.

—Black Mage (seeing a pattern here?), Eight Bit Theater

Just open the DSM-IV at a random page and you're likely to find on it some disorder that Curtis has.

—Spoony, Let's Play Phantasmagoria 2

Heeeere's Johnny!

—Jack Torrance, The Shining (1980 movie)

RIP AND TEAR, RIP AND TEAR, RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS! YOU ARE HUGE! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! RIP AND TEAR!

—Doomguy, Doom

Bats in the belfry (hoo-ha!)
Rotten on the vine! (ha-ha-ha)
Can't keep my eyes closed (hoo-ha!)
Sunny all the time!
Put your hands where I can see 'em boy
Keep 'em up high!
This place~
Has gone~

Crazy~

—That Handsome Devil, Viva Discordia

Rhyme: They won't let me watch those, but they allow me to view cartoons. Considering I hold the world record on comically-oversized-mallet-related-murders, does that seem like an intelligent policy to you? Or an even remotely sane one?

—Star Harbor Nights

"Who the HELL... put bouillon cubes in the shower head!?! Huh? Hm, did you do it? Hm? Did you? If it happens again... I will wait in my SUV, blast me some speed metal -- five point one surround sound, heavy on the bass -- and someone... will be getting... mowed... down."

—Hooch is crazy!

"KILL MAIM BURN!!! KILL MAIM BURN!!! KILL MAIM BURN!!!"

—Kharn the Betrayer, swell guy, Warhammer 40,000

Nemo: [firing an automatic harpoon gun into a crowd] Come Forward! Come Forward, men of England! Tell the gods that Nemo sent you!

—The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, v. 1 no. 6

"If you go and kill the ugly little girl right now, won't the steadholder object? And then you'd have to kill him as well. And anyone else upstairs. And all these people here... Why shouldn't we do this again?"

—Odiana, Furies of Calderon

He keeps hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
He keeps hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
He keeps hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
He just hacks, wacks, choppin' that meat!

Sounds like death...danger! It sounds bad! Danger, danger! What's happening in the dining car? Is there blood? Who's killing who? Where did they get shot? I have to see! Things are really starting to get exciiiiting...Yes! Yesyesyesyes! YES YES YES YES YES!!

—Ladd Russo, Baccano!!, "Ladd Russo Enjoys Talking A Lot And Slaughtering A Lot"

You were sisters. You attended our wedding. What would prompt you to kill her?
—Rajah, on Aerona

Why do lovers park down deserted lanes
Near haunted houses or homes for the insane
Like the deformed son who was locked in a shed
Later escaped when he chopped off their heads
Why do axe murderers only attack
When you're partially nude
Or you're taking a bath
Though there are times I feel softer then most
Some days like yogurt
And some days like toast
Sorority girls and fraternity boys
Always deflowered if they're rich or they're spoiled
So we never feel bad when aunt betty who's dead
Surprises them lying on her wedding bed when we're making love now I feel so exposed
Might you impale me or turn into those
Creatures over in my mind
Forget about the last five years
Back in the woods along a dirt track there is a house
An old women on the porch with three dogs
One of them blind
Who knows what will happen
Or what blind dogs see
And I wish there was some place
I really wanted to be

I'm crossing over

—Axe Murdered, Camper Van Beethoven

I am the Night Rider. I'm a fuel-injected suicide machine! I am a rocker! I am a roller! I am an out-of-controller!

—The Night Rider, Mad Max

Hyde: Ever killed anyone, Benjamin?
Benjamin: Not personally...I have people.

Hyde: You're missing out. It's like sex, only there's a winner.

—Jekyll

So, I quite like PORN photography

And books on GUNS history

And I'd like to be a POLITICIAN vet

And I feel as I get older,

I'm more in control of my violent tendencies

And when I die KIIIIIIIIIILL

I'll have no regrets

—Tim Minchin, Angry (Feet)

Agent Norman Jayden: Blake, you are an unbalanced, psychopathic asshole!

Lt. Carter Blake: I'll take that as a compliment.

—Heavy Rain

I'm not a killer who kills without reason. It's because I have a reason that I kill. Because I'm busy, I'll kill you. I don't have time to deal with you, so I'll kill you. I don't want to stand in your way, so I'll kill you. Because I hate fighting, I'll kill you. I don't want Kurokami-san as part of the 13 party, so I'll kill you. Because the weather is good today, I'll kill you. Because today's food was good, I'll kill you. Because I had a good dream last night, I'll kill you. Because the first showing of a movie I was looking forward to is close, I'll kill you. Because my phone's batteries are almost out of power, I'll kill you. And for no reason whatsoever, I'll kill you.

—Munakata Kei, Medaka Box

Pierre Le Fou HI! and Ladies and Gentlemen!.

—Cowboy Bebop "Pierre Le Fou"

- That evil laugh is so perfectly unique, it deserves to be mentioned too.

Boooored now. I never thought I'd be able to grow tired of tormenting two effeminate Germans, but I suppose I can surprise even myself!

—Melvin, Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series

Warbeak KILLEE!!!

—Warbeak, Redwall

Pop quiz: Why am I such an angry bitch? Seriously, no matter how many I kill, it's all the same. They're all going to pay, yeah, with their fucking lives.

—Bad Girl, No More Heroes