Mark Reads Twilight

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Enjoy the ride.

[T]he real issue here [is that] Twilight fans, most especially Twi-hards, have ruined the book for thousands of people who have never even read a page simply by being annoying. That's why I'm here: as a non-Twilight fan, I'm going to read the book for you. —Mark Oshiro, in his introductory post.

YOU ARE NOT PREPARED. —Mark's fanbase, repeatedly.

In the blog of Mark Reads Twilight, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OH GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Twilight.

MARK READS TWILIGHT

In August 2009, Mark "PanasonicYouth" Oshiro, then community manager of the blogging network Buzznet, decided to see what all the fuss was about with those Twilight books.

The result was a completely unique journey that was part MST, part After Action Report, part Review Blog, and part autobiography comparing the events in Mark's life to the story in the books. Initially holding a somewhat neutral view of the series as literature before he began to read it, Mark slowly began to go mad as he progressed through the series. Somehow he got through all five books (yes, even Midnight Sun).

He eventually started another blog with the same format, Mark Reads Harry Potter, before continuing into other books, movies and media at Mark Does Stuff.

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The blog and its fanbase provides examples of the following tropes:

• Aborted Arc: He only got to Chapter 5 of Midnight Sun. However, two months later he reviewed the last seven chapters all at once, in a single video.
• Actually Pretty Well Written: He may not be that big of a Twilight fan, but he did find himself enjoying Chapter 5 of New Moon. He was quick to comment on this.
• Angrish: Very often, of the "cat walking on a keyboard" variety.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: In one of his reviews he posts a creepy picture for every creepy thing Bella thinks. He apologizes for the one of a man in tight golden pants.
• Berserk Button: The Church of Latter Day Saints, and Mormonism in general, due to a run-in with a homophobic Mormon missionary who tried to recruit Mark as a young man.
  • Not to mention Bella's whining, use of the word "dazzle", thinking Edward or Bella are role models, poor grammar...really, it feels like every other page something seems to piss him off in one way or another.
  • Mark went absolutely batshit when Meyer quoted Orson Scott Card in the preface to chapter 19 of Breaking Dawn.
  • And in the same book, Mark viciously criticises the transphobia in chapter 16, to the point that almost every sentence is either allcaps, Take That, Big "What?" or Cluster F-Bomb.
• Bias Steamroller: By the time he started Breaking Dawn, it was pretty clear that any sense of neutrality or critical analysis on his part was gone. But it didn't really affect the quality of his writing.
  • By Breaking Dawn? By the sixth chapter of Twilight, he declared there was no way to redeem the story anymore!
• Big "What?" / Flat What: A common reaction to some of more idiotic moments in the series.
• Bold Inflation: A lot. One chapter review of New Moon consisted of almost nothing but large, sparkly, animated text.
• Buffy-Speak: THE 'TWILIGHT' SERIES IS, QUITE CLEARLY, THE WORST THING TO EXIST ON THE PLANET THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY A SERIOUS DISEASE OR SOMETHING.
• Cluster F-Bomb: Frequently in the later books. And the occasional Precision F-Strike too.
• Dear Negative Reader: Mark did this once, after finishing the first book.
• Freudian Excuse: Mark will sometimes give these to explain why certain parts of the series infuriate him more than others. They are very well-written.
• Fourth Wall Mail Slot: He always reads the user comments to his posts and (usually) replies to them, sometimes referencing them in the reviews themselves.
• Gayngst: Not as prevalent as in his Harry Potter reviews, but still there.
• Genre Shift: Mark's chapter reviews have been everything from straight-up MSTs to plays, essays, incoherent rants, randomly smashing his keyboard, various characters calling out Smeyer over the stupidity of the plot, and even a fake autopsy.
• Review Blog: Obviously.
• "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Many.

Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Fuck all you who support this bullshit that puts the burden of sex on the female, that ignores the right of a woman over her body, that parades as ethics when it's the utmost demonization of femininity. Fuck this nonsense that purports to state that sex is ok as long as it's used to control women. This is garbage, pure and simple. It's Mormon/religious propaganda, pure and simple. And it's just shitty writing.

• You Are Not Ready: You Are Not Prepared, his fanbase's Catch Phrase, which carried over to his Harry Potter blog and has since become "You en't prepared." for His Dark Materials, got translated into Dwarvish runes for The Hobbit, and became "You aren't frakkin' prepared!" for Battlestar Galactica.