Drew Carey's Improv-A-Ganza/Quotes

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

First Date

Jeff: I come from a very strict Greek family. (honk honk) I... Italian family. (honk honk) I'm adopted. I'm Chinese and Native American. (honk honk honk) I'm a white guy. (ding ding ding ding) And we're very strict Catholics. (honk honk) Protestants. (honk) Buddhists. (honk) There is no god.

Jeff: You're dating other guys, I can see that... (ding ding) Word around the school is (ding ding)...Word around th... (dingdingdingding) (Beat) How many guys are you dating?!
Heather Anne: In between one and ten. (Ding!)


Jeff: Totally Partaaaay!


(Ryan, Greg, Drew and Colin are huddled side by side when Jeff joins Chip on the other side)
Jeff: "Dale, check out what I bought - one of those huge office ball-clacker things, this is so cool, just watch..."
(Jeff pulls Colin aside, then lets go as Colin 'rebounds' into Drew and Greg, 'making' Ryan bounce off)
Jeff: "I just wanted to say 'huge office ball-clacker'!"

(after Greg replaces Jeff as the 'donkey')
Greg: "I am so tired of carrying you, Drew!"

Hits Compilation

Colin: "I'm a big fan of the '80s, of course because I was born then... and umm..."
Jeff: (Sarcasm Mode on) "1880s..."
Colin: (shoots them a look) "I'm also a big fan of Pat Boone music..."
Chip: "No no, '80s is good."

(re. boybands)
Ryan: "Should you really be technically called a band if you don't play an instrument?... Or should you really be called a boy when you're 52?"
Greg: "Well Justin Bieber's called a boy and there's really no evidence for it..."

Ryan: "Say his name again."

Greg: "Justin Bieber!"

Ryan: "Aaaahahahaha... He's Canadian."

Colin: "We have collected over 15,000 songs about lawyers, because songs cannot always be about nice things."

Moving People

(Scene: Ryan and Jonathan are in Tahiti)
Ryan: (arms raised as if tree-climbing) "I see a big ripe coconut... You know how they're ripe?"
Jonathan: (face up Ryan's armpit) "You're ripe!"

Ryan: (explaining the game) "Basically you'll be in control of Drew... like ABC was in the '90s..."

(Audience member Jen is struggling to move Chip, as she continually forgets to move his legs.)
Chip: "I'm going to walk over to my tennis bag and get it. (Jen turns him around using his arms.) With my leeeeegs."
(After Chip gets his "racket," Jen again struggles to turn him around using his wrists, resulting in Chip starting to tip backwards. Trying to keep her balance, she spreads his arms wider.)
Chip, leaning backwards, arms outstretched: "WHASSUP, TOM?! I'M 'BOUT TO GET MY TENNIS ON!"

(Ryan getting shoved a bit roughly by audience member Sara)
Greg: (to Sara) "Easy - we need him..."
Ryan: "Don't stop her, Greg."

(When the models from The Price Is Right guest star)
Chip: "Where's the wedding ring gone, Ryan? What happened to the..."
Ryan: "I dunno what you're talking about!"
Chip: (still laughing) "I think it's so funny that you think you have a shot."

(Ryan explains the game; Drew and Chip are the players)
Ryan: "...when you want them to move forward, tap the back of the leg... want them to move backward, tap the front of the leg... if you want him to go back to your room, (indicating Chip's groin) just tap him around there. (Beat) With Drew you'll have to search for a bit."

New Choice

(Ryan as the mythical Cyclops named Phil)
Colin: "You've gotta hide the fact that you only have one eye."
Ryan: "You're right!"
Colin: "Why don't you paint another eye beside it?"
Brad: "New choice."
Colin: "Why don't you make the nose even bigger?"
Brad: "New choice."
Colin: "Why..."
(Ryan is clearly trying not to laugh for a while while Colin realize he accidentaly say something he shouldn't say)
Ryan: "Are we really going to start?! 'Cos I will..."

Colin: (Saying repeatedly) No. No. No. No. No.

(Chip is a cowboy introducing Drew to the range)
Chip: "The first thing you gotta learn about being me is, you gotta be tough as nails."
Ryan: "New choice."
Chip: "The first thing you need to learn about being me is, you gotta be... a little hard of hearing."
Ryan: "New choice."
Chip: "Whut?"

Ryan: "New choice."

Chip: "Oh..."


Jeff: "What's your favourite section in the video store?"
Drew: "Yeah, remember video stores?..."
Jeff: "'Horror'..."
Drew: (Igor voice) "I will take your peanut... The peanut is the key..."

Jonathan: "I gotta get outta here!"

(Jon runs but trips and falls a couple of times, then Drew catches up and shoves his arm "through" Jonathan Freddy-style)

Jeff: "Freeze. Your favorite kind of book, sir... (listens) Sports book. (mobster voice) Guy wants to see this take place in a sports book."

Jonathan: (grabbing Drew's hand) "Lemme just put my cup on before we start hittin' some balls..."

Drew: (resisting at first, then...) "ALL RIGHT!" (starts grabbing)

Jeff: "Freeze freeze freeze freeze freeze. Umm..."

Jonathan: "PICK ONE!!"

Jeff: "...Lemme think about the... wanna think of something good... oh, got one. No that's not it... Got it. How about your favorite poet? (listens) Edgar Allan Poe."

Drew: (takes hand away) "NEVERMORE!!"

Jonathan: "Thank you!!"

Drew: "Nevermore shall I test-"

Jeff: "Freeze. Your favourite writer as a kid. (listens) Shel Silverstein."

Drew: (Large Ham On) "Sarah Sylvia Cynthia Stout, could not get her hand out!..."

Jeff: "Freeze. I also heard Dr. Seuss..."
—Jonathan: "I do not like you, you you you, don't put your hand on Thing 1 or 2!"

Colin: "What I need from you first, is a location where two friends could meet...
Colin: "A toilet. What friends do you hang out with, sir?"

(another pause)

Colin: "A hospital. A hospital..."

(sketch starts)

Brad: "The toilet's broken... normally I don't like to just go here in the hallway... My meds make it so that I gotta go pretty much anywhere I can. You don't mind just turning around...?"

Greg: "I'll just set up a curtain..."

Colin: "Freeze. A style of movie (listens) Film Noir."

Greg: (sounding like Columbo) "He thought I couldn't see him on the other side of the curtain. Not only could I see him, I could smell what he was up to... and he was up to no good."


Colin: "Freeze. How about a style of theater... (listens) Jersey Boys."

(music starts up)

Brad: "Gee Franky, I gotta go on the squatter!"

Greg: "Well why don't you go ahead!"

Brad: "I got to take a poo/That's what I gotta do

Not no. 1, I'm talkin' no. 2/That's what I gotta dinky-doo!"

Greg: "I will not look/While you do your thing/I will turn around and be considerate

I'll have you know that I/I like to sing/But because I'm from Jersey I'm partially illiterate!"

Brad: "Well that's okay/Don't believe the hype/Please pass me that roll, because it's time for me to wipe

Thanks so much/I just laid a pipe in the/Big old commode behind my butt!"

Colin: "FREEZE. Freeze..."

(audience actually applauds)

Question This

Drew: "'Scientific names for body parts', please."
Chip: (to the audience) "'Scientific names for body parts'..." (pause to listen) "You guys heard it, 'Medulla Oblongata'!"
(Ryan buzzes in)
Chip: "Who buzzed there? Was that you Phil?"
Ryan: "What is the big showstopping number from The Lion King?"
Heather Anne: "I'll take 'Tastes like the color Orange' for $100..."
Chip: "...'Dreamsicle'! The answer is 'Dreamsicle'..."
(Drew buzzes in)
Chip: "Yes, Bob?"
Drew: "What is my stripper name?..."
Chip: "...uhh, yeah... We also would have accepted Medulla Oblongata..."

Chip: Bob, can you give us a category?
Drew: Yeah, foreign capitals for 200.
Chip: Foreign capitals...
(audience member suggests Albania)

Chip: Albania. Of course, being the capital of Eastern Europe.

Heather: (buzzes)

Chip: Yes, Genevieve?

Heather: What did I say to the judge I would do to get points? "Albania".

Ryan: Number 4. What's your name, whataya do?
Jeff: (with German accent) My name is Klaus.
Ryan: What do you do for a living, Klaus?
Jeff: I'm a ski instructor.
Ryan: You are?
Jeff: Yes, I'm an evil ski instructor.
Ryan: Really? What makes you so evil?
Jeff: Because I win and you lose.

Ryan: "The answer is 'Pickles'..."
Drew: "What is my stripper name?..."

Ryan: "Correct!... We hear you also performed under the name Baby Dill."


(In an ice age scene)
Jonathan: "The tribe came and spoke of you, we decided the following... 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman'."
(Next line for Jonathan in the same scene)
Jonathan: "We know what your last girlfriend used to say..."
Ryan: "Hmm."
Jonathan: "She'd stand on top of cliff and yell... 'I can't believe my man is cougar material'!" (tries hard not to laugh)
(Chip comes in with a You Have Got to Be Kidding Me! look on his face and sees the piece of paper Jonathan has. He shows it to the audience with a "He WASN'T making that one up, folks" look on his face.)

(In a generic soap opera setting)
Jeff: (to Colin) "We have a lot in common, you and I... I'm... having sex with your wife. (Beat) Not right now, I mean earlier I was..."

Song for a Lady

Belinda: "I am here with my boyfriend Christopher Webster..."
Jeff: "THE Christopher Webster?"

Ryan: "...Your boyfriend Chris, what does he do for a living? (Beat) Are you all right?"

Belinda: "...He's a movie producer."

Ryan: "A 'movie producer', is that what he says he is?... So what movies has he produced?"

Belinda: "Hellraiser."

Chip: "Ohh..."

Ryan: "If it's the same Hellraiser we're thinking... What's his favorite drink?"

Belinda: "Dark beer."

Ryan: "Dark beer - what a great name for a movie! Dark Beer..."

Jeff: "In a World..."

Greg: "What does your husband do?"
Debbie: "He works with the FBI. He's not an agent... he's with Security and Intelligence."
Greg: "Ah, security and intelligence, two things our country is in sore need of."

Sound Effects

(Chip and Jeff are two cowboys on the range)
Jeff: "Look, it's that coyote again..." (woman from audience does a howl) "It's a gay coyote!"
Chip: (Camp Gay mode) "Hayy!..."
Jeff: "No!... That's what gay horses eat!"


Jeff: "Princess Dumbeloney awoke, her long hair flowing across her pillow. She was looking for love-"
Colin: "And something to attach her hair to her head. She looked out the window and saw nothing-"
Greg: "Except a man, riding far far away on a gallant white steed. He was wearing-"
Chip: "Chaps. And a big ten-gallon hat. This was the man of her dreams."
Drew: "His name was Manuel. Manuel was a rancher from Argentina."
Charlie: "...CharlieSheen f---ed a dead hooker."

(Long pause as everyone loses it)

Colin: "...and what I mean by that... in this strange far-off land that Manuel had just come from, to revive the people that weaved by hooking, he would help them along by having sex-"

Jeff: "With them. All the children of the land were given by-"

Chip: "Their parents, to one certain kingdom, where they would all know that Dumbel-"

Greg: "Loooneeeyyy was their queen. And so he rode manthelly(sic)-"

Colin: "Towards the castle walls."

Charlie: "...Charlie Sheen still f---ed a dead hooker."

Drew: "He knew this because he met it on TMZ."

Jeff: "Now when I say 'f---ed this dead hooker' I mean f---ed her."

Chip: "Soooo..."

Greg: "The best thing about dead hookers is, you don't have to pay afterwards."

Colin: "And... you should always get your parking tickets validated. Suddenly, as Princess Dumbeloney was looking out the window, Prince Manuel-"

Jeff: "Jumped off his horse, saw her gazing at the woodland and said-"

Charlie: "Can I get a prenup, you bitch?"

Two-Headed Expert

Chip/Jonathan: In 1827, the Brai-lsh invented the Eiffel Tower.
Heather/Drew: Wait. Hold that thought. According to my books, the Eiffel Tower was invented by the French. So what are you trying to feed me, pal?
Chip/Jonathan: Books are for people that read. We'll tell you everything you want to know!
Heather/Drew: Okay, then who is Mr. Premier of France?
Chip/Jonathan: Hmm, good question. Mr. Premier of France is Jerry Lewis.
Heather/Drew: Jerry Lewis is the premier of France?
Chip/Jonathan: Si, Señor. ...Look! It's... uh... Puff Daddy! Hey, Puff Daddy and your wife!


(Confession Cam at the end of the 'Jeannie' episode)

Jim: It was fun for me, I...

Jonathan: (interrupting) You guys, we got a hot tub ready, if you wanna go, I'll slip into a bathing suit and meet you there, ok? (leaves)

Jim: (already laughing) Okay!

Jeannie: Do we have to wear suits?