Jeff: I come from a very strict Greek family. (honk honk) I... Italian family. (honk honk) I'm adopted. I'm Chinese and Native American. (honk honk honk) I'm a white guy. (ding ding ding ding) And we're very strict Catholics. (honk honk) Protestants. (honk) Buddhists. (honk) There is no god.
Jeff: You're dating other guys, I can see that... (ding ding) Word around the school is (ding ding)...Word around th... (dingdingdingding) (Beat) How many guys are you dating?!
Heather Anne: In between one and ten. (Ding!)
Forward/Reverse
Jeff: Totally Partaaaay!
Freeze
(Ryan, Greg, Drew and Colin are huddled side by side when Jeff joins Chip on the other side)
Jeff: "Dale, check out what I bought - one of those huge office ball-clacker things, this is so cool, just watch..."
(Jeff pulls Colin aside, then lets go as Colin 'rebounds' into Drew and Greg, 'making' Ryan bounce off)
Jeff: "I just wanted to say 'huge office ball-clacker'!"
Colin: "I'm a big fan of the '80s, of course because I was born then... and umm..."
Jeff: (Sarcasm Mode on) "1880s..."
Colin: (shoots them a look) "I'm also a big fan of Pat Boone music..."
Chip: "No no, '80s is good."
(re. boybands)
Ryan: "Should you really be technically called a band if you don't play an instrument?... Or should you really be called a boy when you're 52?"
Greg: "Well Justin Bieber's called a boy and there's really no evidence for it..."
(Scene: Ryan and Jonathan are in Tahiti)
Ryan: (arms raised as if tree-climbing) "I see a big ripe coconut... You know how they're ripe?"
Jonathan: (face up Ryan's armpit) "You're ripe!"
(Audience member Jen is struggling to move Chip, as she continually forgets to move his legs.)
Chip: "I'm going to walk over to my tennis bag and get it. (Jen turns him around using his arms.) With my leeeeegs."
(After Chip gets his "racket," Jen again struggles to turn him around using his wrists, resulting in Chip starting to tip backwards. Trying to keep her balance, she spreads his arms wider.)
Chip, leaning backwards, arms outstretched: "WHASSUP, TOM?! I'M 'BOUT TO GET MY TENNIS ON!"
(Ryan getting shoved a bit roughly by audience member Sara)
Greg: (to Sara) "Easy - we need him..."
Ryan: "Don't stop her, Greg."
(Ryan explains the game; Drew and Chip are the players)
Ryan: "...when you want them to move forward, tap the back of the leg... want them to move backward, tap the front of the leg... if you want him to go back to your room, (indicating Chip's groin) just tap him around there. (Beat) With Drew you'll have to search for a bit."
New Choice
(Ryan as the mythical Cyclops named Phil)
Colin: "You've gotta hide the fact that you only have one eye."
Ryan: "You're right!"
Colin: "Why don't you paint another eye beside it?"
Brad: "New choice."
Colin: "Why don't you make the nose even bigger?"
Brad: "New choice."
Colin: "Why..."
(Ryan is clearly trying not to laugh for a while while Colin realize he accidentaly say something he shouldn't say)
Ryan: "Are we really going to start?! 'Cos I will..."
Colin: (Saying repeatedly) No. No. No. No. No.
(Chip is a cowboy introducing Drew to the range)
Chip: "The first thing you gotta learn about being me is, you gotta be tough as nails."
Ryan: "New choice."
Chip: "The first thing you need to learn about being me is, you gotta be... a little hard of hearing."
Ryan: "New choice."
Chip: "Whut?"
Ryan: "New choice."
Chip: "Oh..."
Options
Jeff: "What's your favourite section in the video store?"
Drew: "Yeah, remember video stores?..."
Jeff: "'Horror'..."
Drew: (Igor voice) "I will take your peanut... The peanut is the key..."
Drew: "'Scientific names for body parts', please."
Chip: (to the audience) "'Scientific names for body parts'..." (pause to listen) "You guys heard it, 'Medulla Oblongata'!"
(Ryan buzzes in)
Chip: "Who buzzed there? Was that you Phil?"
Ryan: "What is the big showstopping number from The Lion King?"
(later)
Heather Anne: "I'll take 'Tastes like the color Orange' for $100..."
Chip: "...'Dreamsicle'! The answer is 'Dreamsicle'..."
(Drew buzzes in)
Chip: "Yes, Bob?"
Drew: "What is my stripper name?..."
Chip: "...uhh, yeah... We also would have accepted Medulla Oblongata..."
Chip: Bob, can you give us a category?
Drew: Yeah, foreign capitals for 200.
Chip: Foreign capitals...
(audience member suggests Albania)
Chip: Albania. Of course, being the capital of Eastern Europe.
Ryan: Number 4. What's your name, whataya do?
Jeff: (with German accent) My name is Klaus.
Ryan: What do you do for a living, Klaus?
Jeff: I'm a ski instructor.
Ryan: You are?
Jeff: Yes, I'm an evil ski instructor.
Ryan: Really? What makes you so evil?
Jeff: Because I win and you lose.
Ryan: "Correct!... We hear you also performed under the name Baby Dill."
Sentences
(In an ice age scene)
Jonathan: "The tribe came and spoke of you, we decided the following... 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman'."
(Next line for Jonathan in the same scene)
Jonathan: "We know what your last girlfriend used to say..."
Ryan: "Hmm."
Jonathan: "She'd stand on top of cliff and yell... 'I can't believe my man is cougar material'!" (tries hard not to laugh)
(Chip comes in with a You Have Got to Be Kidding Me! look on his face and sees the piece of paper Jonathan has. He shows it to the audience with a "He WASN'T making that one up, folks" look on his face.)
(In a generic soap opera setting)
Jeff: (to Colin) "We have a lot in common, you and I... I'm... having sex with your wife. (Beat) Not right now, I mean earlier I was..."
Greg: "What does your husband do?"
Debbie: "He works with the FBI. He's not an agent... he's with Security and Intelligence."
Greg: "Ah, security and intelligence, two things our country is in sore need of."
Sound Effects
(Chip and Jeff are two cowboys on the range)
Jeff: "Look, it's that coyote again..." (woman from audience does a howl) "It's a gay coyote!"
Chip: (Camp Gay mode) "Hayy!..."
Jeff: "No!... That's what gay horses eat!"
Jeff: "Princess Dumbeloney awoke, her long hair flowing across her pillow. She was looking for love-"
Colin: "And something to attach her hair to her head. She looked out the window and saw nothing-"
Greg: "Except a man, riding far far away on a gallant white steed. He was wearing-"
Chip: "Chaps. And a big ten-gallon hat. This was the man of her dreams."
Drew: "His name was Manuel. Manuel was a rancher from Argentina."
Charlie: "...CharlieSheen f---ed adead hooker."
Chip/Jonathan: In 1827, the Brai-lsh invented the Eiffel Tower.
Heather/Drew: Wait. Hold that thought. According to my books, the Eiffel Tower was invented by the French. So what are you trying to feed me, pal?
Chip/Jonathan: Books are for people that read. We'll tell you everything you want to know!
Heather/Drew: Okay, then who is Mr. Premier of France?
Chip/Jonathan: Hmm, good question. Mr. Premier of France is Jerry Lewis.
Heather/Drew: Jerry Lewis is the premier of France?
Chip/Jonathan: Si, Señor. ...Look! It's... uh... Puff Daddy! Hey, Puff Daddy and your wife!
