The Wizard, The Witch And Two Girls From Jersey

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

The ancient land of Galma is in trouble. The Queen of Twilight has two magic orbs that shroud the land in perpetual, well, twilight and she's after the third to make it perpetual night. Only Princess Arabelle can defeat her and save Galma for she is the One whom the prophecies talk about.

Unfortunately, there was a little mishap involving two girls, Heather Simms and Veronica Lopez, and Princess Arabelle is sort of out of commission. Forever.

Heather and Veronica were just fighting over a book, The Queen of Twilight, at a bookstore when suddenly they were inside the book. Now, the entire plot has gone Off the Rails and Veronica has to struggle to get it back, while Heather is mistaken for Arabelle and proceeds to complain about everything and everyone.

Lisa Papademetriou wrote this hilarious Affectionate Parody of J. R. R. Tolkien and other fantasy books. It is a must read.

Tropes used in The Wizard, The Witch And Two Girls From Jersey include:
  • Action Girl: Veronica, who in her first few minutes of being in Galma breaks the Fragile Hag's arm off. After Veronica gets a crossbow, she's even more awesome.
  • Affectionate Parody: It's very, very obvious that Lisa Papademetriou loves fantasy novels. And making fun of them.
  • Alpha Bitch: Heather Simms, then subverted and thrown away when you see how messed up she is emotionally and mentally.
  • Exclusively Evil: Subverted, the Ookies were bewitched into serving the Queen of Twilight, but once she's dead, they're actually pretty okay.
  • Awesome Moment of Crowning: In the end, after the Twilight Queen is killed, Heather decides to stay behind and help Galma get back to its glory days by being its Queen. Oh and introducing Spa Caves.
  • Back From the Dead: Strathorn, even Lampshaded by Veronica.
  • Because Destiny Says So: Subverted.
  • Beneath the Earth: The Caves of Despair.
  • Big Bad: The Queen of Twilight.
  • The Cavalry: The elves at the end, as well as Chattergee's talking animal and animate shrubbery "army"
  • Chekhov's Boomerang: In the beginning of the novel, Heather steals a small snowglobe. It's used more than once.
  • The Chosen One: Subverted and then stomped on.
  • Collapsing Lair: Lampshaded with the Fragile Hag's tower.
  • Crystal Ball: The Orb of Neftalion.
  • The Dragon: Two of them: the Queen's two sisters, the Duchess of Breakable Objects (or the Fragile Hag) and the Countess of Uncomfortable Humidity (or the Drizzly Witch).
  • Evil Sorcerer: The Queen and her two sisters.
  • Evil Tower of Ominousness: The Fragile Hag lives in one.
  • Expy: Strathorn for Gandalf (wizard mentor), Doggett for Samwise (cook and good friend), and, strangely, Chattergee for Reepicheep (although more of a lech). Also, the Galag Nur [Shadowshriekers] for the Nazgul [Ringwraiths]. Likewise, the Queen of Twilight and her sisters are counterparts for the White Witch Jadis and the Wicked Witches of Oz.
  • Genre Savvy: Veronica, although she gets things wrong, too.
  • Giant Flyer: The Galag Nur ride giant ravens (as expies of the Fell Beasts).
  • Hidden Elf Village
  • Homage: Tons, mainly to Tolkien. Many major fantasy works of the last 50 years get name-dropped at least once.
  • Hostage for Macguffin
  • Joisey: Right there in the title, although not particularly important to the plot.
  • Kill It with Fire: When Karn kills the Drizzly Witch with one fireball.
  • The Lost Woods
  • McGuffin: The Orb of Neftalion, the Helmet of Unsmellability.
  • Naive Newcomer: Heather hasn't read The Queen of Twilight before, so she knows nothing about the world. Or the rules of the fantasy genre in general, making her a true wild card.
  • Non-Human Sidekick: The Moat Beast and Karn.
  • The Obi-Wan: Strathorn.
  • Obviously Evil: The Queen of Twilight.
  • Our Elves Are Better: Subverted, deconstructed and tossed out the window. The Sylvan elves act high and mighty, but Heather rejects their prince (who was supposed to go on the mission) for a Kiblar elf, Doggett. Kiblar elves are generally considered lower-class, responsibly for serving the Sylvans. This eventually comes back when the Sylvan elves shun their prince, who refused to go, for being less brave than a Kiblar.
  • Palantir Ploy: The One can use the Orb to see the future. Too bad Heather isn't the One. Or is she?
  • Parental Abandonment: Heather's parents are barely there. Veronica's father was killed in the line of duty.
  • Poisoned Weapons: The tree that stabbed Doggett.
  • Prophecy Twist: The One is destined to defeat the Queen of Twilight. Except Princess Arabelle was the One. Or was she? Was the One simply the person who defeated the Queen? It's all very vague.
  • Second Hand Storytelling: When Strathorn comes back, Veronica tells him to hurry up, however, because there's still a battle going on.
  • Squishy Wizard: Strathorn
  • Supervillain Lair
  • Talking Animal: Chattergee, who also serves as a Casanova Wannabe.
  • Tall, Dark and Snarky: Ibharn, Prince of the Sylvan elves. Subverted as well, because both Heather and Veronica think he's a jerk.
  • Trapped in TV Land: Well, okay book land.
  • Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Heather is claustrophobic so trees pull her into the ground and she almost suffocates.
  • Wicked Witch: All three main bad guys.
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