The whole Resident Evil series. All of them belong here. ESPECIALLY RE4.
"Leon ditches Ashley out in the open in an area just filled with people trying to capture her. Nice guy. Then again, she's not remotely awesome enough to ride... The Fantabulous Magma Transversing Gearmatic Device!"
The U3 fight. The entire U3 fight. The horrible abomination Boss Battle turns into a Musical Episode with the monster (which has the head of Gene Simmons) and Leon singing. And then Bono enters into the picture...
The fight against the Verdugo is turned into a grudge match between Leon and his brother Todd, and ends with an out-of-nowhere interlude where Bitores Mendez welcomes the Verdugo to "Second-Banana Heaven".
There was this gem from his Resident Evil 1 remake LP, when Chris finds the articles about S.T.A.R.S...
S.T.A.R.S. TEAM INVESTIGATES MISSING BICYCLE. SIX DEAD.
R.P.D.S FINEST DEFUSE HOSTAGE SITUATION WITH GRENADE LAUNCHERS. FIFTEEN DEAD.
RACCOON CITY SPECIAL FORCES TEAM CRACK DOWN ON FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORK BAN. FOURTEEN DEAD.
S.T.A.R.S. LAUNCHES NEW PR CAMPAIGN. HIRES MINORITY MEMBERS AND 18 YEAR OLDS. THREE DEAD.
BRIAN IRONS LAUNCHES BID FOR MAYOR. S.T.A.R.S. SECURITY DETAIL STOP ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT BY 81 YEAR OLD REPUBLICAN TERRORIST. FOUR DEAD.
BRAVO TEAM GOES MISSING IN ARKLAY MOUNTAINS. ALL PRESUMED TO BE DEAD.
ALPHA TEAM LAUNCHES SEARCH AND RESCUE MISSION FOR MISSING BRAVO TEAM. NINE DEAD.
The Dark Id: Now, it's a bit far fetched that you'd find sharks in the middle of a mid-western wooded mountain. But, it's Umbrella and I can see them importing that shit here. What I cannot fathom is the need for zombie sharks. Look at this fucking thing. This creature does not, in any way, need the 'undead' attribute under its belt. What is it going to do? Spread the virus to the hand it left behind because it fucking ate everything else in one chomp? The fruits of the T-Virus labor here seem to be, surprise, making a really big ass shark. Now at least if James fucking Bond is trying to sneak into one of Umbrella's secret underwater bases, they've got that covered. Assuming they could control the sharks, which they cannot, and we assume the shark would not eat James Bond otherwise, which it would. In what other instance will a shark be any remote use for a biological weapon? This isn't like the usual 'whoops, we had an accident' monster creations. Umbrella actually built a multi-million dollar underground "Aqua Ring" to culture shark bio weapons to sell to the highest bidder. Which brings us back to James Bond. Since who in the fuck else but Bond Villains would be in the market for gigantic fucking zombie sharks? Even then, you know they're just going to be stuck into a pit while Bond and the secretary he's fucking that week is lowered slowly into said pit! In summary, zombie sharks are fucking retarded, even for Umbrella standards. Thank you for your time.
The epic but ridiculous battle in the center of what maybe either Chris's mind or time and space itself between him and the vengeful Billy "FUCKING" Coen. To wit: The Dark Id shows Ghost!Billy possessing a Hunter and killing poor Rebecca as revenge for killing him at the end of Zero (It Makes Sense in Context) and Chris kills him in retaliation. After that, things get weird as during the RE2 LP, Rebecca was supposed to repair Todd Kennedy's window. The result is a Time Paradox of mad proportions resulting in Chris ending up in Sprite style and being menaced by Billy possessing a bird and trying to rip his eyes out. THEN they have a battle in the style of Soul Calibur 3, custom characters and all with chris wielding a simple knife and Billy armed with a giant fuck-off zweihander. THEN it becomes a brief battle film as done in The Movies with Chris winning a knife fight by pulling out his shotgun and plugging Billy right in the chest. THEN it comes to a head when various members of the STARS team from beyond the grave (From various Resident Evil comic panels) attempt to encourage Chris to fight back. After that he ends up rescuing Rebecca. TWICE for good measure (One in PSX style, the other in the remake) And it is so ridiculous as to be the funniest thing an LP of Resident Evil can be.
The earlier acid trip Chris has after getting poisoned by Yawn, done like a Text Adventure game, complete with a cameo from the very posh El Gigante and Claire. It comes out of nowhere and makes for a surprisingly chortlesome sequence.
The climax of the RE1 LP Tyrant-Billy has Chris and the others on the ropes. Brad drops down a boombox leading to a brief screenshot-music-video thing to the tune of "Paint It, Black". Then Brad drops down the rocket launcher realising his mistake. Of course it turns out Tyrant-Billy's having trouble adjusting to his new body. and then...
God: COEN!! WILLIAM LESTER COEN!! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!
Tyrant-Billy: Crap...
God: YOU'VE TAKEN A PISS ON MY CREATIONS LONG ENOUGH!
Tyrant-Billy: But... Err... But... Have you taken a look at this thing? I... I don't think you made this one...*Shows the rocket launcher*
God: LET ME TAKE A CLOSER LOOK THERE! HMM! WOAH! WHAT IS THAT THING?! I'M NOT BITING THE BULLET ON THAT ONE!!
God: YOU'RE AN ABOMINATION, WILLIAM! IT IS ONLY FITTING THAT THIS BE YOUR NEW CAGE OF FLESH! YOU WILL WALK THE ETHERAL LIMBO NO LONGER! YOU ARE BOUND HERE UNTIL YOUR UNDOING!
His sudden comparison of the Nitro Express part in the laboratory to a similar part in Castlevania (Nintendo 64) which becomes a tale of a time paradox:
Before I begin my description of the following events, are you all familiar with Castlevania (Nintendo 64)? The black sheep first 3D installment of a rather mediocre line of 3D entries into the Castlevania series. This title had a laundry list of problems going for it, but I found it to be somewhat enjoyable. That is, except for one portion midway through. At the "Castle Center" area of the game, the player is tasked with recovering some "Magical Nitro" to blow up a wall or something of that nature. The catch? You have to transport it clear across the area. The bigger catch? If you jump, fall down anything larger than a step, or get hit by an enemy, the nitro would explode and you would die instantly. So, there was of course moving platforms, unguarded rails, turning gears, a load of enemies and other hazards designed to blow your character's ass to vampire slaying heaven. This section was so ill designed that not only was the entire development staffed shunned from society, but the effects of its shittiness traveled down the family line causing a mass of seppuku among developers' ancestors several generations back in time. Of course, with their ancestor's death, the development staff never existed to design the stage in the first place, thus ripping a hole in the space/time continuum. Though the universe has a way of sorting itself out and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness sprung into existence. This would still give a valid excuse for the developer's ancestors to kill themselves, but still have the existence of a subpar Castlevania spin-off in the future. The Castlevania 64 we all know today was a product of time ninja meddling. Thus balance was restored.
The near entierty of his Resident Evil Zero LP, which gives us gems as Billy "FUCKING" Coen being an incredible Jerkass (And Jewish) the T-001 Tyrant being a mad drunkard and Rebecca paying back Billy's cruelty at the end by shooting him in the head. The crowning moment of hilarity comes when, while reading James Marcus' diary expressing his adoration for his prized leeches, Dark Id comes to a horrifying conclusion. Leeches!.
Billy comes back in the Remake LP as a ghost merely antagonising Rebecca and Chris before moving on to full blown villainy when he gets Richard Aiken killed and possesses various creatures in an attempt to kill the heroes.
A combination of both a CMOF and CMOA came during the LP of Resident Evil 4 during Episode 32, especially when Leon stabbed Salazar in the hand. ICE BURN!
This line about sums it up appropriately:
Leon:What the fuck were you thinking with that just then? Serious, I fought a giant blob with a teethed vagina for a mouth on the back of a speeding train in an exploding secret underground laboratory during a zombie outbreak and it wasn't a tenth as out of line with what I just went through.
In the Resident Evil 2 LP, the perfect response to the revelation of the G-virus reproductive method:
Alright, when you've created a monster who's base instinct is incest, it's time to go right the fuck back to the drawing board.
Imagining what will happen if, after going One-Winged Angel for the final boss battle, Saddler kills Leon and recaptures Ashley, but then can't change back:
The President: What do you want? Saddler: (appears on viewing screen) Just a simple donation to the tune of... The President: WHAT THE F**K IS THAT THING?! JESUS CHRIST! GET ME THE PENTAGON!!
Id's reaction to an electricity based puzzle in an industrial section of Raccoon City in Resident Evil 3:
The Dark Id: Right...so these are unlocked by fucking with the city's power grid. Larry: Hey, Lou I forgot my keys in the back room. Lou: Larry, this is the third time this week! Larry: Look, just power down the south east grid so I can grab them and get home in time for That 70's Show. Lou: But the hospital is on that grid. Larry: Don't be a baby. I'll just be a second. Lou: Tch... Fine.
Resident Evil 2 has the first few instances of Senor X...wearing a sombrero and sporting a moustache. Leon takes him down and tries on his hat before discarding it because it doesn't suit him. What Senor X says as his first line sets the tone for what The Dark Id has in mind for him:
Code Veronica: Claire's "fight" with Nosferatu/Alexander Ashford. Said monster dons a top hat and a monocle and has swatted Steve aside. And then...
Nosferatu/Alexander: Madam. I would like to have a brief moment of your time. For, I am Alexander Reginald Ashford. Master of the esteemed Ashford Family and descendent of the brilliant Veronica Ashford. After a long and most unfortunate slumber, I have returned to restore the Ashford Family name to its rightful place among the world's first and finest[...]Now, madam. If you will, allow me to give you a brief history on the lush history of my fine family line. The Ashfords were founded by the legendarily beautiful and intelligent Veronica Ashford. Truly, our family would have never reached the highs it has today, lacking the foundation she built upon it. Following her, came her son Stanley Ashford. A nobleman of true character he was- Narration: Some time passes... Nosferatu/Alexander: Following his death, his twin brother, Sir Arthur Ashford took the reins of the family seat. Under his leadership, the Ashford family reached new heights. At which point, there was- Narration: Another span... Claire: Ugh. I think this lecture is giving me a headache... Nosferatu/Alexander: Under Sir Edward Ashford, my father, the Ashford Family oversaw the creation of Umbrella Incorporated alongside Lord Ozwald Spencer and Sir James Marcus. With their help the Ashfords-" Narration: Nearly as long as a single average Fetch Quest... Claire: *Snaps and draws Alfred's sniper rifle* Nosferatu/Alexander: Ah, yes, madam. That rifle was handed down to my son, Sir Alfred Ashford, on his sixth birthday. Finely crafted by a master gunsmith in Switzerland, the rifle was fine tuned to a standard only fitting for the fine Ashford line. But why, dear lady, do you possess my successor kin's weapon? Claire: I've got you now! *Fires and blows out his heart* NosferatuAlexander: One moment, please, madam. *dons a monocle* His monocle: *Classic monocle pop. Nosferatu falls down dead.* NosferatuAlexander: Rosebud...
The Show Within a Show MST of Survivor courtesy of Claire, Steve, Alfred controlling their cargo plane via remote control and said plane having cable TV installed.
Clock Tower 3: The entirety of the Dark Gentlemen Collection: Whimsical Children's Bedtime Poems
In chapter 27, on the issue of imprisoning people in a kitchen:
One of the bars in the kitchen, you say. I'm not going to even get into how idiotic it would be to imprison people in a kitchen. What dwells in a kitchen?
[picture of frying pans]
Blunt objects...
[picture of kitchen knives]
Blades...
[picture of Gordon Ramsay]
Goddamn Chef Gordon Ramsay.
Any of these three things could be easily used to murder the shit out of the skinny carnie villains of the day. To spoil a bit further into the stage, there's an actual dungeon. But, they decided to use the kitchen for their holding cell and put upward of ten people in it. Ten plus against a force of presumably the Scissortwins and a butler. Was this a village populated by quadriplegics or the French?
"And as a last bid for escape, Alyssa drops an epic steamer."
Vincent: I desire a piggy-back ride. Yuffie: Wait, hold on! Just- Vincent: If my heart weren't filled with such darkness and sorrow, I would be going 'weeee'. Do you too enjoy the pleasures brought by a good piggy-back session?
Caim: Are you calling my sister a whore? Dragon: I was suggesting nothing of the sort. Merely, I feel you should loo- Caim: 'cause this one prick back in Caerleon once suggest something like that. Let's just say the amount of damage a tea cup can inflict shouldn't be underestimated. Dragon: Why do I even bother talking to you?
Caim: See what I mean. He’s telling us how a pact works. Dragon:<strains voice> “Caaaaaaiiim! You can inhale aaaaaair and process it with a straaaaange mechanism known as luuuuuuungs! With this daaaaaark proceeeeesssssss you can perform the aaaaaaancient rite known as breeeeaaaathing!” Caim: Hehe. Let me try. "Caaaaaaaiim! By puuuuuuting ONE foot forward THEN the oooooootheeeeer you will be able to TRAAAANSPOOOORT yourself. They caaaaaall this dark gift WALKING!" Dragon: Hah.
Caim:... Goblin:...? Caim:... Goblin: Well, out with it, man! Caim: Dragon, say it for me. Dragon: No, Caim. I shall not. Caim: Come on, it's a good one liner! Dragon: ’My name is Caim and it’s killing time’ is not a good one liner. I’m embarrassed to just repeat it aloud to you. Caim: Dammit, dragon! You’re ruining this for me!
And then comes the part where Caim gets a glowing sword that shoots lightning from the sky when he holds it up:
Dragon: What, Caim? Not going to quote He-Man now?
Caim: Dragon, please. He-Man was gay as shit. I wouldn't be caught dead quoting that crap.
Dragon: My shame being in a pact with you grows with each passing hour...
While Drakengard 2 is mostly pain and suffering and Nowe being an idiot, Caim finally gets his due in the Where Are They Now epilogue:
Caim: Caim went on to become the new Grim Reaper of the land. His application to the position simply said 'I murdered the shit out of the last guy'. He was hired on the spot.
Angelus: I don't see why you need to become the reaper...
Caim: Dragon, we've been over this. First of all...come on... If there's one thing I have a goddamn encyclopedic knowledge about, it is death.
Angelus: That still seems a silly reason to me.
Caim: And also...a KILLED the grim reaper! I killed DEATH, dragon. I topped out. I don't want the new guy to be some pussy that dies in like a month after some jackass with a whip comes along and slaps him around a few times. Nah. Goddamn Caim was the only one to kill someone so hard that it killed Death and it's gonna stay that way for a very long time.
Angelus: Why did I put up with you in the first place...
Caim: Ah, come on, Angelus. You know you've missed this shit!
Angelus: Well...perhaps a little bit...
Caim's first proper cutscene appearence gets this brilliant gem:
Image of a VERY gleeful Caim: Caim's status: Loving this shit! Image of Manah's eyes wide with terror: Manah's pants status: Thoroughly shat!
The LP ofChrono Cross has plenty of hilarious moments, most of them brought about by his writing Serge as the Only Sane Man in the clusterfuck of Mind Screw and Gambit Pileup. Probably the best part of it, though, is Serge's interactions with ZOAH, who seems to have latched on to Serge like an awkward rookie cop and has somehow become this adorably awkward dorkdespite being a ridiculously large muscle-bound bruiser. One particular great moment:
Serge: Stop Lynx from doing...what exactly? What? I honestly have absolutely no idea why I should give a crap about that prick anymore. Not a clue! Zoah, do you know? Zoah: HE IS A BAD MAN! Serge: ...Why do I even talk to you? Zoah: I AM A GOOD LISTENER.
Upon Zoah's suggestion that Another World Norris join the party, despite Home World Norris already being in the party:
Serge: No... No, Zoah... We already HAVE a Norris. We can’t get another one. We can’t even keep track of the one we already have. This is far too much responsibility having two! I mean...what are we going to call the second Norris? Have you thought about this? What happens when both Norris...es are in the room? Huh? Zoah: I HAD NOT CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY. WE COULD ASSIGN NAME TAGS. Serge: Name tags...?! They are literally the same person! Not virtually identical... Not clones... It is the same exact guy times two! I’m not sure why the universe hasn’t exploded with them being in the same room together. But, name tags would not work. What next?! Do we make one of the Norrises put on blackface and we start calling him black Norris? Is that what you are proposing, Zoah? Blackface Norris?!
Zoah just has a lot of these, really. No wonder the LP thread turned him into an Ensemble Darkhorse.
Serge: So are we like in the future now? Or is this another dead timeline where everyone was doomed to a fate of being shadows that only spout exposition? Zoah: A GRIM FATE. Serge: Eh? I thought you’d be all about the grim dark future, Roadwarrior? Zoah: NONSENSE. I ADVOCATE GOING GREEN AND A BRIGHTER, CLEANER FUTURE FOR THE CHILDREN OF THE TOMORROW. Serge: Tch...whatever. That tin can of yours recycled too? Zoah: YES. IT IS 100% PROCESSED RECYCLED MATERIAL. Serge: Oh...uhh... I really wasn’t expecting that... Uhh...well... Good for you... Zoah: I DO MY PART FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
And finally, there's the verbal smackdown delivered to the Dwarf King.
Dwarf king: Is there no land on this planet where we can live in peace? Oh, Goddess of Fate, why are we dealt such a hand... Kid: Yer mob literally just commit ethnic cleansin'. You seriously ain't trying to act sympathetic are ya? I just recovered from me death bed. I really don't wanna get sent back for my eyes rollin' outta my head. Dwarf king: Are humans really the greatest species on this planet? These heretics of evolution, these destroyers of the planet?... Ugh... Kid: Seriously, pal. You were just smashin' about with a soddin' smog spewing tank. I don't think that thin' popped outta damn turnip patch. Dwarf king: Silence human. We are the ones dying! It is entirely your fault for having driven us out of our incredibly toxic swamp that was only being held together by a load-bearing monster from turning into an uninhabitable quagmire! Don't you see? You greedy humans and your wrecking of the environment caused us to mercilessly butcher another peaceful race so we could move into their much more vibrant and hospitable land to turn it into our new industrial stronghold. You monsters! Hi-ho! Serge: Seriously, you're as sympathetic as the shit I took this morning. Have fun hi-hoing in hell.
Serge after waking up from a dream where kills Kid.
Serge: Welp, that's an uncomfortable dream to wake up from with morning wood...
The bar tab ending:
Dark Serge: MY SPLEEN! ZOAH: INCORRECT, SIR. Dark Serge: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! ZOAH:THIS IS YOUR SPLEEN.
Serge's homecoming after the... incident at Fort Dragonia.
Serge: Welp, mom... You know how you're always saying I should get out of the house and do something with my life...? LOOK WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I LISTENED TO YOU!!!
The Dark Id: CRANNY. FAGGOT. As silly as a name Spooner may be, you have shit, good captain, on a name like Cranny Faggot. Indeed, I'd be hard pressed to find any character with a more absurd name than Cranny Faggot. Hell, I just played a game with a man named "Hot Coldman" and it might as well be John Smith in comparison.
This video of NIER gameplay. In case you're wondering, that's a boar he's riding...
What finally pushes Feiover the edge during a chat with Queen Shevat at the near end of disc 2.
Queen Zephyr: I understand. So let's keep believing... And hope for a miracle...
Fei: ......Good lord, lady! Howabout an ‘I believe in you’ or ‘I know you can do it’ or something? It’s gonna take a *miracle* to succeed?! Tch. You know what? I’m friggin’ GLAD your stupid hippie Cloud City UFO got shot down! You Shevat people are just...just the WORST everything ever! You never help when you ought to. You make everyone else do your fighting for you while you sit around getting baked. And even then there's a chance you backstab everyone when you succeed. And even when you're not actively screwing over nations, you're still fucking up. Hey, remember your adviser, Wiseman? Yeah. That guy was my dad, Kahn, wearing a funny mask. And it was also GRAHF! Your top adviser was goddamn GRAHF! 'I used my POWER to kill everyone on the planet' Grahf. That is how goddamn awful a ruler you are Zephyr. So I’m now to go kick Deus ass. Why don't you go trip into a carbonite freezing cage or something so after this ends I can stick you in some courtyard somewhere as a monument to the biggest fuck up ruler the planet has every seen! Thanks for fucking NOTHING, Queen of Shevat.
Bart: Holy crap, dude.
Fei: *grumble* “I’ve been holding that one in for like a month... C’mon. Let’s go do some sidequests or something...
Any time the tldr recaps make fun of the use of proper nouns without context, but especially:
Cain: Goddammit! I told you kids not to use the Proper Noun! Now go back to bed! Gazel Minister: No, fuck YOU dad! We're using the Proper Noun! Cain: Me and my flatscreen TV laser says otherwise! Gazel Minister: RAAAAAHHH!!! Cain: I'm taking off the belt next time I have to come back here
Not, of course, that this isn't in line with the rest of the party:
**Upon being faced with the massacre of Billy's entire church** Ellie: *sigh* “Again...?” Bart: *yawn* “Looks that way...” Billy: “What are you two talking about?! This is...this is a massacre.” Bart: “Yeah...probably should have mentioned we kinda run into a lot of massacres, disasters, and otherwise bad news... At first I thought it was just because of Fei being some sort of jinx. But...well...here we are...” Ellie: “Yep...” Billy: “What...? You two make this sound routine.” Bart: “Look kid, in the last month I nearly drowned in quicksand. Twice. Was involved in a botched coup where I almost got shot up by like 50 dudes. Had my base invaded by a Gebler hit squad. And had that ship we were just riding dropped on me. On land.” Ellie: “I had a botched mission result in contributing to the destruction of a rural village. I was nearly eaten by a dinosaur. Committed several acts of treason before deserting the military. I nearly had a giant bomber ship fall on me. And I had the airship I was riding blown up by a SAM.” Bart: “Sorry about that. But, don’t forget when you got mind controlled and nearly blew up my ship’s engine.” Ellie: “Oh yes. That too...” Billy: “...” Bart: “And that Rico guy. Don’t even get me STARTED on what happened to him...” Billy: “I am afraid to ask...” Bart: “You know how he’s a giant green-skinned eyesore? Let’s just say he wasn’t green when he started rolling with us.” Billy: “...” Bart: “Heh. Nah, I’m just bullshitting you with that last one. I’ve only talked to that guy like once ever. But I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the cases.”
Also from the Xenogears LP, the very first post holds some great lines:
We go straight from bible quotes to space: the final frontier. What does God need with a starship? Well, just because it is God doesn’t mean He lacks the occasional lazy afternoon where He just feels like hitching a ride across town.
Anyhow, it is a very big starship. Or...well, maybe the cameraman is just massive and the spacecraft is really tiny due to a screwed up perspective...? Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it? Very deep.
See...? There’s even cute little space cities inside the thing. It looks like a lil’ human ant farm. Wait... No! Don’t tap on the glass! It specifically states you shouldn’t tap on the glass!
Well, Goddammit... I hope you’re happy now! Now nobody gets to look at the tiny space people anymore!
Anyhow, something seems to be going very wrong aboard the Galactica. Some jerk networked the mainframes to get more FPS in The Witcher 2 and now the Cylons are all up in everyone’s shit. Good job, Phil. I bet you couldn’t even make it past the tutorial fight.
Gazel Minister #1: Purchase the cloaking upgrade. Gazel Minister #2: We do not have enough points to purchase the upgrade. Gazel Minister #3: -He- would have had enough points to activate cloaking. Gazel Minister #4: I didn't ask for this.
Gazel Minister #5: It is just as it was 6 years ago.
Gazel Minister #6: Nay. The unclean -Lambs- Invisible War heresy is buried and forgotten.
Gazel Minister #7: That does not rule out the possibility he planned it this way intentionally.
