Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
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  • The Wolfram & Hart Sacrifice Line.

You have reached Ritual Sacrifice. For goats, press one, or say "goat."
To sacrifice a loved one or pet, press the pound key!

  • While watching Lorne sing in Vegas and talking about the fact that nobody notices or cares that he's a demon:

Fred: You don't think the Blue Man Group...
Angel: Only two of them.

Spike: Hey, big guy. I need another car, drove the last one into the drink - (Sees Puppet!Angel sitting at his desk.)
Puppet!Angel: Spike!
Spike: Look at you...
Puppet!Angel: Spike, just turn around and walk away!
Spike: You're... You're a -
Puppet!Angel: Spike!
Spike: You're a BLOODY PUPPET!!!
(Gilligan Cut to Spike being thrown through the wall)

    • Later in that same scene, while Puppet!Angel is attacking Spike:

Angel: (glaring around at all the stunned W&H employees) What? What's everybody staring at?!?
Spike: They're starin' at the wee little puppet man.
Angel: (Berserker Rage)

    • And then he starts beating Puppet!Angel against a wall to stop him dangling from Spike's arm and biting down.

Angel: Spike needs another car.
Spike: You heard the puppet.

    • Apart from the aforementioned Spike scenes, we have Puppet!Angel getting furious because he can't work a remote with his puppet hands. Puppet!Angel firing Fred for saying how cute he is and trying to ruffle his puppet hair. Puppet!Angel revealing his nose comes off. Puppet!Angel getting attacked by his werewolf love interest and getting carried around by Lorne, who's yelling in panic for a doctor as Angel "bleeds," stuffing everywhere. Puppet!Angel morphing into vampface. The show doing a Power Walk, a trope it's very fond of, and the camera having to pan down so we can see the wee little puppet man. The creator of Smile Time [a children's TV program] singing the Courage and Pluck song at Lorne for being in the entertainment industry despite his "obvious deformities." The puppet dog insisting that although their show is evil and hospitalizes small children, they still have to maintain a high standard of "quality edutainment!" A giant blue fuzzy thing with a tooty horn for a mouth trying to strangle Wesley. Miss anything?
    • Yes. Angel gets all excited that Smile Time is on and rushes to watch it, but finds he can only watch about five seconds of a motivation song before the Tastes Like Diabetes nature of the show gets to him. Five seconds later he demands a black ops team attack the show because it annoys him so much.
    • "Is there a Gepetto in the house?!?"
    • "I do not have puppet cancer!"
    • The fact that said demon puppets were giving their "puppeteer" the inverted treatment - part horror, part utterly hilarious. "Make him swallow his tongue again!"
    • In the fight with Spike, Angel reveals that he had been turned into a puppet to Wolfham & Hart, which he was desperately trying to hide. Busted, he glares at his colleagues. The best part about Puppet Angel vs. Spike is that Puppet Angel wins. In all fairness, Spike is too busy giggling to fight properly.
    • After Angel dismisses his team he's moping about the fact he's a puppet, and that self esteem song he got so worked up over is still playing, which doesn't help. Suddenly he hears his girlfriend, panics and dives behind his desk.
  • During "Not Fade Away" (the series finale):

Angel: This is going to sound a bit pretentious, but one of you is going to betray me. (Spike raises his hand.) Wes.
Spike: Oh. Can I deny you three times?

  • Spike's Call Back to the Buffybot when they're discussing a cyborg, and everyone's reaction to it.

Spike: Sex with a robot's more common than you think. (Everyone stares at Spike.)

Wes (as Angel): I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!

    • Oh yeah, that was awesome!

Wes (as Angel): Kiss me.
Cordy (as Buffy): Bite me. (And Wesley pretends to bite her just when Angel walks in.)
Angel: Why don't you both bite me?

      • Making it even funnier? Fred obviously doesn't get it at all.
    • From that same episode, Fredless, the scene with a very distressed Fred at the bus station talking to herself, scaring away a hobo who was sitting next to her.

Fred: Oh hey, I wa... I was just calculating Pi, relax. I'm not dangerous!

Angel: Mandy, you kissed me/And stopped me from shakin'/Oooooh Mandyyyy...

Girl: "How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad hunk-of-the-night thing?"
Angel: "No need little lady, your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love, and a pesky curse, defanged me, and now I'm just a biiig fluffy puppy with bad teeth. ...No, not the hair, never the hair."
Girl: "But there must be some way I can ... show my appreciation?"
Angel: "No! Helping those in need is my job. And, working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough."
Girl: "I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so...."
Angel: "Say no more! Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancyboy hair gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angelmobile! Away!"

  • At the start of the Season Five episode "A Hole In The World", Wesley walks into Angel's office, where Angel and Spike are engaged in heated debate. Spike is talking about primal power, while Angel maintains that humans have evolved. When Wesley inquires as to the subject of conversation, he discovers that Spike and Angel have been debating who would win if astronauts and cavemen got into a fight. For 40 minutes. Wesley's response:

Wesley: ...Do the astronauts have weapons?
Angel&Spike: (immediately) No.

  • Angel in season 5, evaluating himself as a possible romantic prospect.

Angel: Because I'm not that guy! That guy is charming and funny and... emotionally useful! I'm the guy in a dark corner with the blood habit and the 200 years of psychic baggage!

(Fred explains how to escape the dimension using tomes taken from the deposed Covenant.)
Demon priest: Those are sacred books!
(Death Glares)
Demon priest: Which you should have.

  • An episode where an old man switches bodies with Angel. Old Man Angel does a number of out-of-character, quite hilarious things, including flirt and subsequently make out with Big Bad agent Lilah Morgan.
    • But the most hilarious thing is Old Guy!Angel assuming Angel was gay because Cordelia asks him to explain to Fred, who he assumes is male, that he is not like other men and there is no room for romance:

Old Guy!Angel: Romance... with Fred... so I'm a... (sees himself)... obviously...

      • Then later, when Old Guy!Angel has the conversation with Wes, thinking he is Fred. The whole scene is priceless, with Angel acting extremely uncomfortable, almost afraid of Wes' proximity:

Old Guy!Angel: I mean, whatever we... had... whatever we... (evidently nauseous look)... did... I just think that we should, you know, keep that behind us. Start from scratch, you know, two men working side by side, but you know, none of that funny stuff.

  • I don't dance.
    • From the same episode as "I don't dance," this exchange:

Wesley: What's say a couple of brooding demon hunters start chatting up some of the fillies?
Girl: Hey.
Wesley: H-(chokes on food)
Girl: Nice sweater. Hand-knit?
Wesley: Certainly not by me!
Girl: I didn't mean - I meant it's great sweater.
Wesley: Oh, well, I - I'll pass that on then. To the person who knit it. I - I mean I would if I knew who did. But I don't. So I won't pass it on to anyone, will I? (frantic laughter)

    • Heck, the entire episode is one CMOF, not just in front of the screen but behind it as well. The episode took far longer to shoot than usual, since the cast kept breaking up in laughter. The set had to be shut down for an hour and a half because David Boreanaz (Angel) and Alex Denisoff (Wesley) couldn't stop laughing. It got to the point where David and Alex resolved not to look at each other to avoid cracking up. But as Joss Whedon pointed out on the DVD commentary for the episode, there are still points where David can't keep a straight face.
  • Gunn's diversion in "Blind Date":

Gunn: Y'all cater to the demon, cater to the dead, but what about the black man?

  • Many, many moments with Doyle.

"At least it was just his hands under there. (Beat) Wish I hadn't even thought of that."
"I have a word jumble right here. That should keep me occupied, sadly, for most of the day."

  • Drunk Fred and Wes in Life Of The Party. "That's weird, isn't it? Let's go ask Gunn if that's weird."
    • The elevator scene!

Wesley: Come on, come on, come on...
Fred: Did you press...?
Wesley: Oh. (Clumsily pushes elevator button. Beat.) Come on, come on, come on!

  • No "The Girl In Question"? Honestly?

Angel: (about Buffy) How'd she ever fall for a centuries-old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil?

    • Also from "Girl in Question," the bar fight between Angel and Spike is hilarious. Especially with their choice of background music.
      • The episode itself is practically 'Crowning Episode of Funny'. In particular, the flashbacks showing that Spike and Drusilla were part of the new wave in Italy during the 50's, Spike and Angel getting cuckolded and snubbed by The Immortal throughout history, and the Italian branch of Wolfram & Hart.
  • "Spin The Bottle" has...

Wesley: (puffs up with pride) I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be Head Boy.
Cordy: Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname.
Wesley: A lot of effort, I don't mind saying!
Gunn: Gunn.
Wesley: (jumps) WHERE?

    • This comes back in "Lineage". The expression of utter glee on Spike's face is what really sells it.

Spike: I can explain. Apparently, when Percy here was younger, he was known as "Head Boy"!
Angel: Right, I already knew that.
Spike: Well, I have nothing else to report.

  • There's also Cordelia's getting so upset over how "The government gave [her] bad hair." It's hilarious because all her wailing was not an overreaction at all - it really was just that awful.

Angel: It's the Devil.
Cordelia: My hair?!

  • And then there's Liam/Angel's response to a music player - i.e. poking it with a freakin' priceless expression of shock. And then, when Cordelia turns it off:

Liam: You stopped the little men from singing!

    • Gunn jumps Wesley. Cordelia tries to get Liam to split them up, but he refuses: "'Bout time the English got what was comin' to them! Personally, I'm rooting for the slave."
  • From 2x09, "The Trial", there is:

Wesley: Didn't we learn anything from the tea?

  • What about the Season 1 episode with the 'The Talking Stick' where all the cops and Angel get emotional?
    • My favourite part of that episode is when they break the window to get into the precinct:

Angel: ...That's vandalism!

    • Or later, when standing off with Tony Papaze.

Angel: You could be a rainbow, Anthony. Not a "painbow".

    • How Kate reacts after delivering a headshot to one of Tony Papaze's mooks.

Kate: (shoots mook) How do you think that makes me feel?!

  • Cordy's hilarious chat with Angel in the first episode, at the party, where she's pretty much vapid personified.

Angel: It's nice that she's grown as a person...

  • In the Season 1 episode "She," Angel avoids being caught by the museum security guards by pretending to be a museum guide and describing Manet's Music in the Tuileries to an audience. He points out Baudelaire in the painting, talks about his poem "Le Vampire" and how some people believe it was written about a real vampire, and then says that Baudelaire was a bit taller and a lot drunker in real life compared to the painting.
    • "There's no 'Wyndam-Pryce Agency.'"
  • An early episode has the crew on a case interviewing patrons at a singles bar; Angel is telling a guy "No, really, I wasn't hitting on you!"
  • Angel imagining himself dancing.
  • From "Over the Rainbow", Angel discovering that in Lorne's dimension, the sun doesn't harm him.The best part was seeing normally-brooding Angel filled with such glee and running around in a manner akin to little school boys. Priceless.

Angel: Has anyone else noticed how much fire I'm not on?
Angel: We should look for some branches. Hey look, there's one over there in that big patch of sun... I'll go get it!"

Fred: Step away from the bosoms! That is a no on the bosoms.

  • Angel wears a Hawaiian shirt and hat and introduces himself as a tourist to two gangsters before beating the snot out of them.
  • "That Vision Thing":

Old Chinese Woman: Your kind not welcome here.
Charles Gunn: Since when can't a brother buy some ginseng tea?
Old Chinese Man: Not you. Him. (Points at Angel) Vampire not welcome.

  • One point during Season Four when the gang are waiting in the car, and Angel and Connor's beaten body slam on the car.

Angel: (drags the body off the car) Let's go.

  • During Angel's fight with Hamilton in the finale:

Angel: People who don't care about anything will never understand the people who do.
Hamilton: Yeah, but we won't care.

  • In the episode "A Hole in the World": Gunn cheerfully singing "Three Little Maids from School" from The Mikado, then quickly switching to rap when he realizes that Wesley is watching him.
    • And his rapping is horrible.
  • In the pilot episode, Cordelia to Russell Winters immediately after Angel has burst into the room and Winters has completely blown him off:

Cordelia: (puzzled) don't know who he is, do you? (childish grin) Oh boy! You're about to get your ass kicked!

  • In 'Damage' after Spike gets thrown through a third story window by an insane Slayer, Angel runs up and asks "What happened?" Spike's response: "Well, I just thought I'd see what it'd be like to bounce off the pavement. Pretty much what I expected."
    • Also from Damage, Andrew's reaction to seeing Spike alive and Spike's expression upon being tackled by an ecstatic, weeping Andrew. And then Angel says "So, you two know each other?" and Andrew replies with " Yeah, we saved the world together. I mean, Buffy helped, but it was mostly us."
    • "Is pathological idiocy an actual condition?"
    • When Spike describes blood as smelling like pennies, Andrew picks a penny up off of the street and puts it in his mouth. Later, Spike tells him they must be getting close to their target because the smell is getting stronger. Andrew's response is, "Like nickels?"
    • Angel, after sitting through an exposition session headed by Andrew:

Angel: In her mind, there probably aren't any good vampyres. (Beat) Vampires.

  • Angel and Spike have one of the most epic fights in either series over the right to the title The Chosen One. Spike eventually wins and takes a sip from the chalice...then gets quite an odd look on his face:

Spike: It's...Mountain Dew.

Lorne: So I'm an idiot. What are you, perfect?

  • The 3 Fates swooning over "Mmm, Angel."
  • Angel saving someone in the season 5 premiere then its shown that Wolfram & Hart were recording it for use as an advertisement.
  • Illyria talking about how she once went to a world with nothing but shrimp.

"I tired of that one quickly."

    • Which is a Brick Joke where Anya mentioned both that one and the No Shrimp world on Buffy the Vampire Slayer back in Season 4. It was a 4 year brick joke. From another series.
  • Even as she lay dying, Fred was still able to pull off this gem:

It's my boys. I haven't had this many big, strapping men at my bedside since that night with the varsity lacrosse team. (Beat) That was a joke.

  • People going up on stage and giving increasingly implausible reasons why Jasmine is the greatest person to ever live.

Child: She makes food taste good.

  • Darla indignant that she couldn't give Angel that "perfect moment of happiness" in "Epiphany".

I don't understand. Was I...was it...not good? Well, I don't accept that! You cannot tell me that wasn't perfect. Not only have I been around for 400 years, but I used to do this professionally, and that was perfect. ...We'll go again.

    • Same scene, two lines later.

Darla: But you had...
Angel: I did.
Darla: And I had...
Angel: Twice.

    • From the same episode, Cordelia receives a vision of herself surrounded by vengeful demons. When the vision recedes a few seconds later, she looks around to find herself surrounded by vengeful demons. Looks like The Powers That Be were having a Captain Obvious moment.


  • Virginia from "Guise Will Be Guise" revealing she's not a virgin by listing all the guys she's slept with, including one of the Big Bad's minions and Angel assuring that he's not a eunuch.

Magnus: She's impure? She's not a virgin? You... (to Wesley)
Gunn: Whoa, that's what impure meant?
Cordelia: She slept with him?
Magnus: You were supposed to be Angel. This wouldn't have happened. That's why I hired him. He's a eunuch.
Cordelia: You slept with her?
Angel: A eunuch?
Wesley: Things happen. Two young people. Danger.
Virginia: What are you talking about?
Magnus: She was a virgin before you got here.
Virginia: I was not a virgin.
Magnus: What?
Wesley: (intense relief) Oh, thank goodness.
Gunn: I could've told you she wasn't no virgin.
Angel: Not a eunuch!
Cordelia: One day as Angel... One day and he's getting some.
Magnus: What? How could you? I kept you away from all men.
Angel: I mean, the curse isn't even all that clear!
Virginia: Daddy, remember our chauffeur when I was 16? Or when I was 18? I haven't been a virgin for a very long time. I even dated Rick. (One of the hooded minions slinks away.)

  • "Hi, you've reached the Tittles. We can't come to the phone right now. If you wanna leave a message for Christine, press one. For Bentley, press two. OR TO SPEAK TO OR WORSHIP MASTER TARFALL, UNDERLORD OF PAIN, PRESS THREE."
  • Harmony was always good for a laugh when she became a regular cast member. The episode where she stabbed a fellow vampire with a chopstick and calmly walked out was just plain funny.
  • When Gunn is put in a hell dimension to take Lindsey out, as someone has to be in their shoes. This means that every time he goes into the basement of an otherwise pleasant illusion, Gunn's heart is ripped out by an executioner. When Gunn is rescued, someone has to take his place. Cut to the executioner tearing out his own heart.
    • Fridge Humor when you realize that he quite likely endured the same reality as Lindsey and Gunn, including the cheerful family life. Now imagine that demon teaching his "son" math.
  • From an episode where something was in the basement...

Gunn: We'll go with you.
Angel: I can't risk losing anyone I care about.
Spike: I'll go.
Angel: Okay.

  • Episode 3x01, "Heartthrob"

Cordelia: I can understand people who drink too much. I understand people who put a little note on the parking meter that says it's broken when it's not. I don't understand people who worship demons.
Gunn: Yeah. Especially Lurite demons. The stink on that thing... If you're a prince of the underworld, bro, take a Jacuzzi every once in a while.
Wesley: It's sad. The only way some people can find a purpose in life is by becoming obsessed with demons. By the way, Gunn, technically that wasn't a Lurite. It was a Murite, a sub-species of the Lurite. The male sports a small, tell-tale fin just behind the third shoulder.
Gunn: So glad to know we're not the sad people obsessed with demons.

    • Also this;

Wesley: I realize we sacrifice a great deal of our social lives. But we have to. Our work demands it.
Gunn: True. Who's got time for love when you're out there doin' it with the demons? (off Wesley's expression) Didn't that just come out sad and wrong. (sighs) I need to get out more.

  • Episode 5x15, "A Hole In The World", the last scene right before the tragedy starts.

Angel: Look. I can't do this any more.
Spike: Admitting defeat, are we?
Angel: You and me. This isn't working out.
Spike: (faux-tragically) Are you saying we should start annoying other people?

    • Also this:

Angel: Look, Wolfram & Hart has got offices in every major city in the world, and a lot more out of it. I'll give you the resources you need to go anywhere. Cars, gadgets, expense account. You fight the good fight. But, in style. ...And if possible, in Outer Mongolia.

  • Episode 3x04, "Carpe Noctem", after the guy possessing Angel sexed up Lilah;

Wesley: I don't believe it. On my desk?!?
Gunn: Well, it did use to be his. Maybe he was just kinda... reclaimin' it.
Wesley: How, by marking it? This isn't like him.
Cordelia: (scornfully) What? This is totally like him. Doing the mystery dance with some cheap blonde -
Fred: (tearfully) Brunette. She was a cheap brunette.
Cordelia: (genuinely shocked) You're right. This isn't like him.

  • Illyria goes off on one of her boasts about what it was like to be a God. Spike isn't impressed.

Illyria: When the world met me, it shuddered, groaned. It knelt at my feet!
Spike: "Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but..."
Illyria: (WHACK.)

  • One episode has a Wolfham & Hart lawyer find Angel because a demon is going to kill kids. However he cannot resist explaining why he works for them. He's going on about one Freudian Excuse after another when suddenly Angel snorts, pretending the story bored him to sleep, and asks when he's going to get to the part about being evil.
  • After Angel saves a woman from a vampire, Spike, who is watching from a rooftop, brings the snark.
  • Illyria and Drogan are sitting in front of a TV, playing Spike's Xbox. The game? Crash Bandicoot.

Drogan: It's...some kind of task...You must collect the fruit and crystals!

  • Remember Angelus? Well, Faith tortures him. How? After the brilliant idea is dreamt up to have Faith dope up then let Angelus feed on her, she makes him relive the good deeds he's done. For him, it's utter hell.

Faith: Dude. You rescued a puppy!
Angelus: NO!

    • And the reason for enacting this plan?

Faith: Way I see it I got one last job: babysit the psycho until they shove a soul up your ass.

    • Before that we have Wesley seeing if Faith is still up for slaying. Her response after dusting a couple of vamps?

Just like riding a biker.

    • There was also Angelus saving the world. He stabs the demon that blocks out sunlight and allows vampires to rule, as it's about to kill Faith. Angelus had no reason to, no excuse, he knew (based on, in his words, Angel's retarded fantasy) that killing the demon would save the day and he did it. Only to be cowering from the sunlight and muttering about just how dumb he was, perfectly summing up how as intelligent as he can be he can be really bone headed.
  • Lilah meets Wesley in a bar after Connor's re-emergence, after trying twice to tempt him into working with her.

Lilah: Mind if I join you?
Wesley: On many levels and with great intensity.

  • Illyria and Connor meet, as he's touring Wolfram and Hart with no memory of his real life (and by extension the events of season 4).

Illyria: This one lusts for me.
Connor: It's the leather. I guess I always had a thing for older women.
Angel: (muttering) They were supposed to fix that...

  • "Sanctuary". Mercer from Wolfram & Hart is angry that the monster sent to kill Angel & Faith had failed.

Mercer: This is getting ridiculous. The first assassin kills the second assassin, who was sent to kill the first assassin, who didn't assassinate anyone, until we hired the second assassin to assassinate her.
Lindsey: All right. This obviously isn't working.
Lilah: You think?

  • Angel getting dramatic with Faith in "Sanctuary".

Faith: So, how does this work?
Angel: There's no real simple answer to that. I won't lie to you and tell you it'll be easy. Because it won't be. Just because you've decided to change doesn't mean the world's ready for you to. Truth is, no matter how much you suffer, no matter how many good deeds you do to try to make up for the past, you may never balance out the cosmic scale. The only thing I can promise you is that you'll probably be haunted, and maybe for the rest of your life.
Faith: (indicates the microwave) No, I does this work?
Angel: Oh. Uh, power level, time, start.

  • "Redefinition" had:
    • Lindsey in awe that Darla had spared him only to find out Lilah's alive too.

Lindsey: I'm alive. I'm the only one that's left.
Paramedic: We got another one!
Lindsey: (disappointed) We do?

    • Darla owning Lilah.

Lindsey: Why'd you spare me, Darla?
Darla: Do you really have to ask? I'm in love with you. (Darla, Drusilla, and Lilah all laugh) Shut up, Lilah.
Drusilla: Shh!

...They didn't do that when I first came here.

  • Angel and Lindsey arguing in "Dead End".

Lindsey: He's my lead! You're choking my lead!
Angel: "He's my lead! He's my lead!" What are we, in a schoolyard?

  • Wesley showing how British he is in "Eternity".

Rebecca: Oh God, who called ET?
Wesley: Emma Thompson's here?

  • Angel and Spike argue over who saved the world the most. Spike brings up closing the Hellmouth, but Angel counters that he died and wore a necklace. Apparently it doesn't count, despite his example has him being run through with a sword, even if Angel claims he told Buffy to do it.
  • From "Home." After Lilah makes the offer to turn the L.A. branch of Wolfram & Hart over to Angel Investigations, a limo comes up out front of the hotel for anyone interested. One by one, Fred, Wesley, Gunn and Angel very cautiously decide to enter Wolfram & Hart's limo, and open the door to find...

Lorne (over blaring techno music): So it's an evil limo! I get that! Does that mean you don't restock the cherries?? (caught off-guard) ...hi!

  • From "Eternity":

Angel: She's just a person.
Cordelia: Coming from a true non-person.

    • Cut to Wes, who looks like he's about to start cracking up.

Angel (When Cordy asks if she was good.): I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
Cordelia: You didn't.

  • The Failed Attempt At Drama at the end of the season 5 opener, 'Conviction', when Spike is resurrected from the amulet:

Angel: No, sooner or later they'll tip their hand, and we'll find out why they really brought us here. Meanwhile, we do the work...our way, one thing at a time. (badassfully) We deal with whatever comes next.
(The amulet falls on the floor, and Spike reconstitutes in a swirling light show to dramatic swelling music)
Wesley: (shocked) Spike?
Angel: (grim determination) Spike.
(the dramatic music cuts out suddenly)
Harmony: (sticking her head in the door) Blondie Bear?!?