"[T]he situations on this show are so insane that it's hard to decide what constitutes rational behavior. You can't get very far in a sentence that starts, 'If I were a sexy yet troubled cat burglar with electro-powers and I was trying to help a vampire prevent Satan from turning the sun out...' before giving up."—Strega, Television Without Pity
"Let me tell you a lil' bedtime story.""Okay. Now I'm sleepy."
"But I'm not sleepy."
"Once Upon a Time there was a vampire. And he was the meanest vampire in all the land. I mean, other vampires were afraid of him he was such a bastard! Then, one day, he's cursed, by gypsies. They restore his human soul and suddenly he's mad with guilt. Y'know, "what have I done, wah wah..." You know, he's freaked."
—Doyle and Angel, "City Of"
"It's about showing people there's still love and hope in the world!""Get a job, you lazy sow."
—Doyle to a homeless woman
"So, um, are you still... 'Grrr'?""Yeah. There's not actually a cure for that."
—Cordelia and Angel
"They're messages I get... you know, from the higher powers, whoever they may be. You know ... it's my gift!""If that was my gift, I'd return it."
—Doyle and Cordelia
[as Rachel, falsetto] "How can I thank you, you mysterious, black-clad, hunk-of-a-knight thing?"[as Angel] Say no more; Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair gel that I like so much. Quickly! To the Angelmobile — Away!"
[as Angel, basso] "No need, little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me. Now I'm just a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No! Not the hair, never the hair."
[as Rachel] "But there must be some way I can show my appreciation..."
[as Angel] No! Helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough."
[as Rachel] "I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so..."
—Spike impersonating Angel from a rooftop, "In the Dark"
"Now you’re talking like a detective.""You got me. I’m the pope."
"I am a detective."
"Well, you see, the thing about detectives is, they have résumés. And business licenses. And last names. Pop stars and popes — those are the one-name guys."
—Kate and Angel
Harrie: I am only going to ask you this once, Richard. And I expect a straight answer. Were you, or were you not, intending to eat my ex-husband's brains?Doyle: [to Angel] Sorta missing the point, isn't she?
Richard: In a way.
Harrie: And when were you planning on telling me?
Richard: I thought maybe I wouldn't have to.
Harrie: You were going to start our life out together with deceit?
"Hi! You having fun?""Actually, in hell you tend to know a lot of the people."
"Sure. This is... um..."
"Your idea of hell."
—Cordelia and Angel, dutifully attending a party. ("She")
"I've got two modes with people: bite and avoid."—Angel
"Here's the plan: We go in, I start hitting people hard in the face, see where it takes us."—Angel
[drunkenly] "I hurt a lot of people."[chuckles] "That's probably not a good idea."
"I don't believe that."
"No, it's true. I was bad. Which is why I have to help people now. I'm trying to atone."
"Cordelia says you've saved the world."
"Couple times I helped. But I almost had it sucked into hell once, too."
"Still, don't you think after all this time you deserve some happiness?"
—Angel and Rebecca, "Eternity"
"Demons with one eye, demons with twelve eyes, some with double vision. No blind demons. Perhaps Angel's discovered a new species.""What, Helen Kellerus Homicidalus?"
—Wesley and Cordelia, "Blind Date"
"Well, our files aren't a hundred percent, but I guess it's fair to say you've never seen anything like real poverty. I'm talking dirt poor. No shoes, no toilet, six of us kids in one room. And come flu season it was down to four. I was seven when they took the house. They just came right in and took it. And my daddy's being nice, you know? Joking with the bastards while he signs the deed. So yeah, we had a choice. You got stepped on or you got to stepping. And I swore to myself that I was not gonna be the guy standing there with a stupid grin on my face while my life got dribbled out."[pretends to jolt awake] I'm sorry, I nodded off. Did you get to the part where you're evil?"
—Lindsey and Angel
"Woo hoo! My God! They told me it was true, but I didn't believe em. Damn, here it is. Evil white folks really do have a mecca. Now, now, now girls, don't get all riled up. Did you just step on my foot? Was that my foot you just stepped on? Are you assaulting me up in this haven of justice?! Somebody get me a lawyer, because my civil rights have seriously been violated. Oh, I get it, y'all can cater to the demon... cater to the dead man... but what about the black man!?"—Gunn'
[on phone] "If you don't sign, we'll sue your ass off and kill your children. Just kidding, Donald. Nobody wants a lawsuit."—Lilah
"This place is never gonna get clean.""And I'm dusting."
"Buck up. It's just a little dust."
"Oh, this isn't mere dust. This is "Son of Dust". This is the kind of dust that spawns countless generations of little baby dust. I give up."
"I suppose will just have to move our offices back into your apartment, then."
—Cordelia and Wesley, "First Impressions"
"Gunn's been working hard for us. He should be pulling in a check.""You can't fire me. I'm vision girl." (sticks out tongue)
"I'll think about asking him."
"No think, pay. That's an order."
"Let's pretend for a minute that you work for me."
"Man, you are really unpleasant--"
"Okay, then let's pretend you don't."
—Cordelia and Angel, "Untouched"
"What do we know about telekinesis?""Ah yes, the power of moving things with one's mind. (beat) That's pretty much it, the power of...moving."
—Angel and Wesley, "Untouched"
"All that power wasted on a whiny, mopey do-gooder. God, I could eat his eyeballs.""You're fun for a human."
"Our plans for Angel are a little more long-term than that. But if you can't help yourself, then by all means, be my guest."
—Darla and Lindsey, "Dear Boy"
"I'm not crazy. I'm telling you, I saw her!""Right between the clowns and the big talking hot dog!"
—Angel and Wesley, "Dear Boy"
[spins in Angel's chair] "Hey, look at me, I'm Angel!""Right. This is Angel." [as Angel]: Oh, no, I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday."
"He doesn't generally spin that much."
—Cordelia and Wesley, "Guise Will Be Guise"
"It's this man, Holtz. How does he keep finding us?""Well, we stay in the best hotels, order room service, eat the waiters. People talk."
—Angelus and Darla, "The Trial"
"Uh, how long have you been...""No, you been reading too much Anne Rice, lady! You got no idea how this thing works!"
"Oh, an eternal child of the darkness? Since, ah...'92."
"Nineteen ninety two??"
(chuckling) "I know. It's hard to believe it's already the last century."
"And in all this time you've never considered making yourself a mate?"
"How do you mean?"
"Well, isn't it true that some vampires choose a mortal, someone they can sire, someone who, too, can walk those lonely nights, hunting with them, feeding with them, joining with them..."
"No! That'd just be weird."
".......'Weird?' It's mythic."
—Darla and Barfly vampire, "The Trial"
(to Darla) First up, you're a prisoner.""With very large and heavy objects. Okay?"
"I'd have to concur with that, yes."
"See, you've got our friend all in knots."
"Can't say we like you much."
"So, sorry about the dying, but if you try to escape, we will hit you."
"On the head."
—'Cordelia and Wesley, "The Trial"
"I can crush the life out of you before they even lift a finger.""And yet I just can't seem to care. But you do. And while you're making threats, wasting time, crashing through windows, your girls are out painting the town red, red, red."
"Oh, I'm sure you can. Just as sure as I am that you won't."
"You don't kill humans."
"You don't qualify. You set things in motion, play your little games up here in your glass and chrome tower, and people die. Innocent people."
—Angel and Holland Manners, "Reunion"
"Oh, what's wrong, Lindsey? You bitter because your girlfriend didn't slit my throat?""That might be overstating it. More like bummed."
—Lilah and Lindsey, "Redefinition"
"My name's Darla and this is Drusilla. We're new in town, though some of you know us by reputation.""Now you never will. I trust we have everyone's attention? Good."
"I never heard of you before."
(Drusilla reaches up from behind him and casually rips off his ears)
—Darla and demon bouncer, "Redefintion"
"I'm sitting in my office and every time there is a noise or the phone rings... One of us is gonna die, Lindsey.""But not everybody ends up in a dog-food processing plant in San Pedro."
"Everybody dies, Lilah."
—Lilah and Lindsey, "Redefinition"
"I've heard the rumors. We both know that it worked for you once before. You knew just what to take. And this time you won't have to assume any of the risk. You just tell me which files to steal and I'll get them. And then we can get out of here. End this mess together. Are you in?"(speaking into the tiny microphone) But Lilah, I would never steal files from my employer! I'm shocked at the suggestion!"
(Lindsey strokes the side of Lilah's face and leans in to kiss her, while his hand slips down into her blouse and pulls out a wire)
—Lilah and Lindsey, "Redefinition"
"Seventeen karaoke bars... you know, I need to lie down and scrub out the inside of my head."—Angel, "Happy Anniversary"
"You're not gonna win.""That's really the question you should be asking yourself, isn't it? See, for us, there is no fight. Which is why winning doesn't enter into it. We go on -- no matter what. Our firm has always been here in one form or another. The Inquisition. The Khmer Rouge. We were there when the very first cave man clubbed his neighbor. See, we're in the hearts and minds of every single living being. And that, friend, is what's making things so difficult for you. See, the world doesn't work in spite of evil, Angel. It works with us. It works because of us."
"Well...no. Of course we aren't. We have no intention of doing anything so prosaic as 'winning.'"
"Hmm? I'm sorry, why what?"
—Angel and Holland, "Reprise"
"Man, atonement's a bitch."—Angel, "Disharmony"
"You're... here for the children's reading program!""Except for the horns. But those are probably hard to fake."
"--Yes! Yes I am."
"It's not until tomorrow morning."
"I know. I never perform without checking out the space first. Get a feel for the room."
"Oh. Well. The kids will flip over your costume. It looks so authentic."
—Librarian and Lorne, "Belonging"
Wesley: We managed to kill the Haklar just as it was about to devour a group of power walkers.Cordelia: This town sucks.
Angel: It was horrible.
Cordelia: I know. I saw it in my stupid vision, remember?
Angel: No, not the Haklar, the power walkers. I mean, walking I get, but power walking? Why not just run for a shorter time? ...Weird. Plus, one of them hit him.
Cordelia: (gasps) A power walker did that??
Wesley: Apparently, she felt I'd disrespected the Haklar's culture by killing it.
"That other girl. I couldn't save her. I was arrested. They got her. She's a slave. She'll die!""They--- really?? Oh. When I got here they... they didn't do that. (beat) Well. That's nice for her."
"Oh, Cordy. No, she's fine. They made her a princess."
—Fred and Angel, "Through the Looking Glass"
Cordelia: (to Groosalug) You're in charge now. And you've got a long road ahead. Slavery has ended, but reconstruction has just begun.Gunn: It means, saying people are free, don't make em free. You've got races that hate each other. You got some folks getting work they don't want, others losing the little they had. You're looking at social confusion, economic depression and probably some riots. Good luck.
Groo: What is this "reconstruction?"
Cordelia: Gunn, you wanna field this?
—"There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb"
"Five herb shops in Chinatown; we've been to four. How come whatever we're searching for is always in the last place we look?""All I know is you use the word dick again, and we're gonna have a problem."
"I suppose it's one of the unwritten laws of being a dick. (beat) Uh, erm, sleuth, a gumshoe, Sherlock."
—Gunn and Wesley
(on Fred) "She's got the big puppy love. I mean, who wouldn't? You're handsome and brave and heroic, emotionally stunted, erratic, prone to turning evil, and let's face it, a eunuch.""Find another one."
"Hey! How can you...I'm not a eunuch."
"Angel, it's just a figure of speech."
—Cordelia and Angel
Cordelia: (as Buffy) Oh, Angel! I know that I am a Slayer, and you are a vampire, and it would be impossible for us to be together, but--
Wesley: (as Angel) But my gypsy curse, and our hot little loins, sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy...
Cordelia: Yes, Angel?
Wesley: I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!
Cordelia: And just because I sent you to hell that one time doesn't mean we can't just...be friends!
Wesley: (Clint Squint) Or possibly more?
Cordelia: GASP! No! We mustn't!
Wesley: Kiss me!
Cordelia: Bite me!
Angel: (offscreen) How about you both bite me?
"Well frankly, Angel, I don't care if you drink pig's blood, cow's blood, or those froofy little imported beers. You saved my little girl."(Finishing Each Other's Sentences) "Bob Hope Desert Classic!"
"Well, I wouldn't have had to if she hadn't gone all Amazonian and whacked that thing with a golf club."
"Well, I'll tell you. I haven't seen a stroke like that since Nicklaus took on Gary Player in the '63 --"
—Roger Burkle and Angel
"Thank you for coming. And correct me if I'm wrong, but the role of a psychic is to be psychic. To predict the future, so that Wolfram and Hart doesn't find itself in this kind of predicament.""Now, why couldn't you have had that kind of foresight when we needed it?"
"I can't apologize enough, sir."
"You're right. You can't. (chuckles) But I'm not without compassion. I'm gonna give you a chance to save your job - and your skin."
(breaths sigh of relief, then looks troubled) ...No you're not. You're gonna have me killed."
—Linwood and Bald psychic
Angel: Darla, you might wanna join the fight.
Darla: Sorry, darling. I'm gonna have to be Switzerland and sit this one out. Now, you did say you were just gonna kill the humans, right?
Vampire: Yes, just the humans. Then we will nourish you, slice you open, wear your entrails as a belt and consume your eyeballs before we worship the miracle child.
Darla: Okay. I'm in.
"My son has a tiny scratch on his cheek, and now, by extraordinary coincidence so do you. I'm holding you personally responsible for anything that happens to him whether it's your fault or not. Cold, sunburn, scratched knee, what ever happens to him, happens to you, and then some. For not only are you not coming after him, you gonna make sure that he lives a long, healthy life. You just became his godfather -- Understand?""Oh, and one more thing. College fund? Start saving. I got my heart set on Notre Dame."
"I believe I do."
—Angel and Linwood
"Finding Holtz and making money are our two number one priorities.""Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money are our three number one priorities."
(Cordelia walks by and clears her throat)'
"This is tutus and guys with their big-ass packages jumping up and down! This is just — I will never trust you again. The trust is gone.""Don't be using my own phrases when we've lost the trust."
"Guys, seeing the ballet live, it's-- it's like another world. Gunn, these guys are tight, and you're going to be tripping out!"
—Gunn and Angel
"Hockey is just a great sport, greatest sport known to man!""That may be, but the games are indoors and usually at night."
"Dude, hockey is the whitest sport known to man."
—Angel and Gunn
"You back-stabbing, traitorous bitch. I have a lot of work to do. I can't be in every time/space at once, and here I find you drinking with my sworn enemy.""Sworn enemy? Really? Have we met? Because I don't remember swearing."
—Sahjhan and Angel
"You do not want the child alive. You want the child dead. That was our arrangement.""Yeah, I'm a lawyer. Have you met me? We have a new arrangement. I'm keeping the baby.
—Sahjhan and Lilah
"Angel, you and I have fought side by side on more than one occasion. Fellow warriors, shoulder to shoulder. By now, my counsel must assuredly hold weight, so I beseech you to heed my words.""Pomegranate Mist is the wrong color for this room."
—Groosalugg and Angel
"Summer Splendor is a hue more worthy of a champion. Or, perhaps this unique one called "purpla".""It was my mother's name."
"Purple. Yet you have no problems pronouncing pomegranate."
—Groosalugg and Angel
Wesley: To family.
Angel: To family.
Lorne: As long as it's not mine.
"The great Wesley Wyndham-Price, the shining beacon of all that's good and pure. But wait, no! That's before he started banging the enemy and keeping slave-girl in his closet.""Thanks, Swami, I'll meditate on that."
"You were always a slave, Justine. You just couldn't see the chains."
—Justine and Wesley
"Angel got what he deserved.""Well, that was worth a couple of yuks, too."
"We all get what we deserve. You and Holtz deserved each other. You two have so much in common. Pain, loss, deep seated lack of anything approaching humor."
"I dunno,w e had a few laughs. Getting you to steal Angel's baby, now that was a good one."
"Better than tricking Connor into sinking his father to the bottom of the ocean?"
—Justine and "Wesley
"So Angel knows about our relationship. Big deal.""You called this a 'relationship'."
"A dollar! You owe me a dollar!"
—Wesley and Lilah
"It all makes perfect sense now. I was a cheerleader, a princess and a warrior. And I have visions and super powers and I'm the target of an evil law firm because I've spent the last three months living on a higher plane, fighting for the forces of good, who wage a battle against demons and evilies and squishy bug babies, 'cause all that stuff's real and that's the world I live in. And-and I think I know why I don't remember any of this 'cause, hey, who'd want to!"—Cordelia
"The cross obviously doesn't affect me, or our friend the pugilist.""Oh, your ass better pray I don't look that word up."
—Teen Wesley and Teen Gunn
(as Fred)"Forget about that evil witch. Let's talk about me. I'm good, and pure, and science turns me on, and one day, if I pray hard enough and eat all my vegetables, I just might have hips!"—Lilah
"You're not getting anything out of me this time, either.""I really wanted to, but he wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to get into it."
"Didn't think I would. But Gavin, he was more accommodating."
(gesturing to a Bound and Gagged Gavin)
"Couldn't you have at least tortured him a little bit more?"
—Lilah and Angel
—Angel and Lilah
"There is a line, Lilah. Black and white, good and evil."Funny thing about black and white — you mix it together and you get gray. And it doesn't matter how much white you try and put back in, you're never gonna get anything but gray. And I don't see your Texas gal-pal wearing that color. Come to think of it, she prefers black."
—Welsey and Lilah
"What's a zombie?""NO!"
"It's an undead thing."
"No! Zombies are slow-moving, dimwitted things that crave human flesh."
(smirking) "Like you."
—Connor and Angel
"Demon, okay? The whole nine: cloven feet and horns and teeth and... (looks at Lorne) he wasn't wearing lamé, though.""Yeah, the evil ones can't pull it off. It gets camp."
—Gwen and Lorne
"I'm Angel. That's Gwen. You got a name?"
"I am Manjet. Sacred guardian of the Shen, keeper of the Orb of Ma'at, and devotee of light. Off hours I like Manny."
"We just gotta find a way to bring back the sun.""Working on it. Failing miserably, but working on it."
—Cordelia and Fred
"Yeah, soul-boy. Nice job, bringing the sun back." (turns around to see Angelus) Oh-- hey! Angelus! Buy you a warm one?""Wait! I have a condition. Whoop! Goh, boy! Dirty bitch! Tourettes. You've heard of it, right?"
"After I rip out your windpipe so it stops making that annoying talky sound."
—Bar demon and Angelus
—Beastmaster and Angelus
"YOU would dare to defy ME?!""Defy who? A big scary voice? Whoa, hey, I got one of those, too. You wanna hear it? (cups his hands over his mouth) YOU CAN KISS - MY - VAMPIRE - ASS!"
—Beastmaster and Angelus