Firefly (TV series)/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


The Big Damn Series

Serenity (pilot episode)

  • No less than five minutes in, we get this gem:

Wash: Everything looks good from here.
**Zoom out, revealing Wash is playing with plastic dinosaurs**
[As Stegosaurus]: "Yes... Yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We shall rule over all this land, and we shall call it... 'This Land'".
[As Allosaurus]: "I think we should call it YOUR GRAVE!"
[Stegosaurus]: "Aaaah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
[Allosaurus]: "Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!"

    • Mal and Zoe talking about who to sell their cargo to.

Zoe: Sir, we don't want to be dealing with Patience.
Mal: Why not?
Zoe: She shot you.
Mal: Well, yeah, she did a bit. But still-
(Later, when mentioning the matter to Wash:)
Wash: Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody's making a fuss.
(A little bit later on:)
Jayne: Here's an idea I've been working on. Why don't we shoot her first?
Wash: It is her turn.

    • And when trying to conciliate Patience herself:

Mal: I realize certain words were exchanged. Also, certain bullets.

    • When Jayne makes his desire to torture Dobson clear:

Mal: You know you only gotta scare him.
Jayne: Pain is scary.

    • Mal had told Simon that if Kaylee died from the gunshot wound that he'd refused to treat in order to force him to get away from the Feds, he'd throw Simon out the airlock. Well, Mal tells Simon that Kaylee's dead. Dramatic violin music plays as Simon bolts to the infirmary and finds... Kaylee, who innocently smiles and waves at him.

Simon: That man's psychotic!
(cut to Mal, Zoe, Jayne & Wash laughing hysterically on the bridge.)
Wash: You are psychotic!
Mal: Oh, you should've seen his face. I'm a bad man.

    • This is, without a doubt, the funniest moment in the entire series. Why? Because Joss Whedon is parodying himself. According to the commentary, even the Fox executives took note: "This pilot isn't very funny -- except that one time Mal was really mean to Simon!"
  • Jayne's "Lemme do the math; nothin' inta nothin', carry the nothin'..."
    • Or Mal's "Jayne, your mouth's talkin', you should see to that."
  • And what's Jayne's job? Public relations.
  • When Mal decks Simon for comparing him to the Alliance, Jayne's casual "Saw that comin'" is amusing, but the real icing is Wash in the background shaking his head at Simon's stupidity and Book's quiet "Son, you are dumb" expression.

The Train Job

  • River and Simon's introduction. Who's the genius here?

Simon: River? River, it's me. You know who I am?
'River: (looks at him with a 'well, duh expression, speaking with an even more annoyed tone) Simon.

  • [Mel and Zoe walk through a wagon full of armed alliance troops]

Zoe: You don't think this changes the situation a bit?
Mel: I surely do. Makes it more fun.
Zoe: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

  • The justly famous chain of command:

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe, maybe we'll come back for those morons got themselves caught, and you can't change that by getting all... bendy.
Wash: ...All what?
Jayne: You got the light, from the console to keep you... lifting you up... they shine like... (starts grabbing at the air) little angels...
(He collapses.)
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.

    • This is made more awesome by the audience not being made aware he was thudded until right afterwards.
  • A hilarious Shout-Out to Blakes Seven:

Mal: Nice shot.
Drugged up and slurring!Jayne: I was aimin' fer his head.

    • After Mal tells everyone they're returning the cargo: "Wha? Whaddya mean, back? Ah waited fer you guysh!"
  • When Book is talking about how brave Simon is, Mal replies in a squeaky-helium voice "He's my heeero."
  • Mal's...pragmatic approach to diplomacy:

Mal: (to Crow) This is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him. Tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves. Well, we are thieves-- point is, we're not taking what's his. We'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You explain that's best for everyone. Okay?
Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: Darn. (kicks Crow into engine intake)
(Another henchman is brought to Mal.)
Mal: This is all the money Niska gave us-
Henchman: I get it. I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you.

    • It says something about the strength of Firefly's writing when that's one of the damned funniest moments in the series.
    • And his "darn" just before he does so. Because when kicking people into engines, one must always watch one's language.

Bushwacked

  • From "Bushwacked":

Zoe: Scanners are picking something up.
Wash: Oh my god. What could it be? We're all doomed, WHO'S FLYING THIS THING?! Oh, right, that would be me. Back to work.

  • The interrogation scene. Especially Wash musing on the all the good sides of being with a "warrior woman" and Jayne... just sitting there, looking at the officer with an expression that more or less defines "amused contempt."
    • The best part: immediately before that, Zoe had been asked a question about her sex life with her husband, and refusing to answer. We immediately cut to Wash being asked a similar question, and going into explicit detail.

Wash: Her legs. And her back. And especially where her legs and her back meet.
Interrogator: Mister Washburn -
Wash: Shshshsh - have you ever been with a warrior woman?

Kaylee: Six gerstlers crammed right under every cooling drive so that you strain your primary artery function and you end up having to recycle secondary exhaust through a bypass system... just so's you don't end up pumping it through the main atmofeed and asphyxiating the entire crew. Now that's junk!

    • The sheepish look the Alliance interrogator has while Kaylee is ranting gives the impression that she's talking about Alliance ships.

Shindig

  • This scene from "Shindig":

Jayne: What we need is a diversion... I say Zoe gets nekkid.
Wash: No.
Jayne: I could get nekkid.
Everyone: No!

  • Also from "Shindig", after Mal is told to finish off his opponent at the end of the duel:

Mal: Mercy is the mark of a great man.
(stabs Atherton in the stomach)
Mal: Guess I'm just a good man.
(stabs him again)
Mal: Well, I'm alright.

  • Earlier in the same episode, pretty much the entire scene between Mal, Jayne, and Badger.

Badger: He won't deal with me direct. He's taken an irrational dislike to me.
Jayne: What happened, did he see your face?
(later)
Badger: Of course, you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I've got my hands on a couple. (As Mal and Jayne glance at each other and start sniggering) ...Of invites!

  • When Mal meets the client in the same episode:

Client: Whom do you represent?
Mal: "Represent" ain't exactly the -
Client: Don't waste my time.
Mal: Fella called Badger.
Client: I know him, and I think he's a psychotic lowlife.
Mal: And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community.

What a vision you are in your fine dress — it must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into that getup. 'Course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again.

  • This exchange made me chuckle:

Wash: (to Zoe) I can get you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money to buy her a slinky dress?
Jayne: I'll chip in.
Zoe: I can hurt you.

Safe

  • At the beginning of "Safe":

Jayne: Hee-ya! (whips a cow)
Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I like smackin' 'em!

    • Don't forget about River's rant from the same episode.
    • And Mal's reaction to River's explanation about the cows.

River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and they remember what they are.
Mal: (To Jayne, slightly freaked out) Is it bad that what she just said made perfect sense to me?

    • Another, after Mal complains about River's yelling upsetting the cattle:

River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: ...See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with. As long as she does it quiet like.

    • River convincing Simon she'd just poisoned him.

Our Mrs. Reynolds.

  • The opening scene of ambushing the bandits:

Mal (dressed as the "wife"): How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier I would!
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago!
(Mal and Jayne get the draw on the bandits)
Mal: Now think real hard. You been bird-doggin this township awhile now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now, you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

  • And a whole lot of everything in between. Even the deleted scenes of that episode.

Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?

      • "Quaint!"
  • The simple fact that everyone - aside from Mal and Inara - seems to find the "Whoops I'm Married" situation rather funny at first.
    • Also:

(After the rest of the crew threatens various kinds of harm on Mal's person in the event of him taking advantage of Saffron, Jayne menacingly approaches with a huge weapon.)
Jayne: There's times I think you don't take me seriously. I think that oughta change.
Mal: Do you think that's likely to?
Jayne: You got something you don't deserve.
Mal: And it's brought me a galaxy of fun, I'm here to tell ya.
Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. The best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger. Double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun.
(He proffers it to Mal.)
Mal: Da-shiong bao-jah-shr duh la doo-tze... Are you offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, it's a theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value! It's miles more worthy'n what you got.
Mal: 'What' I got? She has a name!
Jayne: So does this! (smiles at the gun) I Call It Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.

    • Even better is the flubbed take of Jayne's response from the blooper reel:

Jayne: Dammit Mal... (Beat) I forgot my line!

  • And how can we forget:

Shepherd Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

    • "Special hell."
    • "Ohh, I'm going to go to the special hell..."
    • Later when it's revealed that Mal did fall for Saffron's seduction, Book's comment? "Isn't that... special."
  • Another gem:

Mal: But she was naked! And all...articulate!
Wash: OKAY! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.

  • Pretty much all of "Our Mrs. Reynolds" is like this, if you were to watch that episode in isolation, you'd be forgiven for assuming that Firefly is a straight-up comedy. And a damn fine one at that: Wash's stuff about juggling geese, all the exchanges regarding the "special hell" and drugged-up Inara are the parts that stand out.
  • Not to mention the deleted scene where River pulls a Mind Screw on Simon by demanding he marry her to prove he loves her, and then stuffs a pillow under her shirt and says that they're already expecting a baby. The absolutely straight way River delivers the entire scene just makes it even funnier.
    • She's in the family way...
    • "...you know that's not something brothers and sisters do. I mean, on some planets, but only pretty bad ones!"
  • Inara's reaction to the Goodnight Kiss, but what makes it priceless is her reaction when Mal concludes that she kissed... Saffron. Just the expression on her face...
    • The way he said it was pretty damned funny, too...

Mal: Well, isn't that something. (beat as Inara braces for him to figure it out) I knew you let her kiss you.

  • Jayne's take on the paralyzing lipstick and everyone's speechless reaction:

Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

  • The way Zoe reacts to the presence of Saffron. Zoe's usually stoic, so her summoning of the entire crew seems like an Out-of-Character Moment... until you notice that, in the background of the rest of the scene, she's stifling giggles into Wash's shoulder.
  • When Saffron is seducing Mal, she plies him with a Biblical passage about "plowing". "Whoa, good Bible..."
    • And later, when she tries to seduce Wash with a myth about Earth-That-Was: "Whoa, good myth..."
  • Post-dinner scene:

Saffron: If you're done eating, would you like me to wash your feet?
Mal: (Several seconds of deadpan silence as he looks to Zoe and Wash, then leaves without saying a word.)

    • It's the look on his face that sells it.
      • Then later on when Inara mentions that washing her clients' feet is her specialty.
      • It's even funnier for biblical scholars. "Wash your feet" is sometimes an Unusual Euphemism for oral sex. Which sends the joke straight into Parental Bonus territory...
  • Heart of Gold has the following exchange, when Jayne's refusing to help the crew with the Job Of The Week:

Jayne: Don't know these people, don't care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.

Jaynestown

Simon: [Having discussed with Kaylee that he rarely swears "unless it's appropriate".] Son of a bitch.
Wash: I think they captured him, y'know? Captured his essence.
Kaylee: He looks sorta angry...
Wash: Kinda what I meant.

    • "Everywhere I go, his eyes keep following me..."
    • "This is what going mad must feel like."
      • Extra funnier when Simon, after hearing "The Hero of Canton", says: "No, THIS is what going mad feels like".
  • Drunk Simon and Kaylee. The whole sequence, topped off with drunk Jayne is gold.
  • In that same episode, River's reaction to the monstrosity that is Book's unbound hair.
    • "Is - is that it?" "Hell yes, preacher! If I didn't have stuff to do, I'd be in there with her."
    • "They say the snow on the roof is too heavy, and that the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger."
    • "River, honey, he's putting the hair away now." "It doesn't matter...It'll still be there. Waiting."
  • This scene.

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.

    • The casual way she says it makes it absolutely brilliant.
    • Better than that, Book's original reaction. It can be boiled down to, "That's nice. Wait, what?!"
    • Even better, the process of fixing it:

River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's Ark is a problem.
Book: Really?
River: We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit five thousand species of mammal on the same boat.

    • River and Book subsequently fighting over the "edited" Bible, and then the pages being ripped out. River's surprised, then sheepish expression, followed by Book saying "You can keep those..." sells it.
  • Jayne talking about his hero status:

Jayne: They had a riot on account of me! Me, Jayne Cobb!
Mal: I know your name, jackass!

  • Inara hearing about the "Hero Of Canton," and thinking it's Mal, starting off into a UST-fueled monologue about him, and then hearing it's Jayne. The look on her face as her brain tries to reboot is absolutely priceless.
  • Wash's classic line, "We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero."
  • "Keep walkin', preacher man."

Out of Gas

  • This exchange from "Out of Gas":

Mal: And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat...
Wash: And what? Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around. Jump up and down. Divert the nav sats to the transmitter. Whatever.
Wash: Divert the - Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!
Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes, Mal, it would boost the signal. But even if some passer-by did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation.
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right, it's true. They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go any place. (pause) Well maybe I should do that, then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Wash: Yeah!
Mal: Fine!

    • And then, Jayne of all people comes along, acting like the voice of reason trying to make everything right between the two of them, but then....

Jayne: What the hell are you two doin', fightin' at a time like this! (Beat) You'll use up all the air.

    • "I saw the problem plain as day when I was down there on my back before."
    • Another from "Out Of Gas":

Zoe: (On meeting Wash) Well, he bothers me. I don't know what it is.
Mal: What about the genius mechanic I hired, he bother you too?
Bester: (being said mechanic) Genius? No one's ever called me that before. Shiny!
(Beat)
Zoe: Yeah, he bothers me.

    • And another, towards the beginning, when the crew discovers it's Simon's birthday and throws a surprise party:

Simon: This is, uh... how - how did you know? River - ?
River: Day is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. (Beat) I didn't get you anything.

  • "Not as deceiving as a low-down, dirty... deceiver."
    • "Well said. Wasn't that well-said Zoe?"
    • "Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."

Ariel

  • From "Ariel":

Jayne: Hell, if I wanted schooling, I'd have gone to school!

    • Jayne, of all people, reciting a long description of their patients' "symptoms" at the hospital, which he memorized just for that specific reason...precisely after they discover they needn't have bothered. 'Cause Jayne'd memorized them words, gorramit, and he weren't lettin' 'em go to waste.
    • Also, Jayne attempting to open the door by shooting it with the Alliance pulse rifle.

Jayne: Shee-niou high-tech Alliance crap!


War Stories

Wash: I am the one that [Zoe] swore to love, honor and obey!
Mal: Listen. ...She swore to obey?
Wash: Well no, but - she obeys you! There's obeying going on, right under my nose!

    • Earlier on, there's Zoe picking Wash to be saved before Niska has even finished outlining his Sadistic Choice.

Zoe: I'm sorry. You were going to ask me to choose, right? Did you want to finish?

    • "Take me sir, take me hard." Gina Torres' deadpan delivery has never been so hysterical.
    • "Now, somethin' 'bout that is just downright unsettlin'."
      • "Hey, free soup!"
    • And don't forget: "I am a large, semi-muscular man!"
    • It felt wrong, "War Stories" having a somewhat realistic torture scene and making it funny. Of course when the Fridge Brilliance of the stronger victim motivating the weaker victim by arguing about his wife it moves more into heartwarming territory.
      • And then there's the look on Niska's face as Wash and Mal are arguing. He all but says, "This isn't what's supposed to happen. They should be begging for mercy right about now."
    • From "War Stories":

Wash: Well here's a funny twist: No.
Mal: No?
Wash: No, sir.

Trash

Monty: I SHAVED MY BEARD FOR YOU, DEVIL WOMAN!

  • When Inara is complaining to Mal that she can't get any work because of how "under the radar" the crew needs to be:

Inara: What was the last cargo we snuck by the Alliance to transport?
Mal: ...That was a --
Inara: What was the cargo?!
Mal: ...They were dolls.
Inara: They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal: HEY, PEOPLE LOVE THOSE!

  • Jayne and River have a fun little exchange:

Jayne: As a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl's name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain't a girl! (to Simon) If she starts on that girl's name stuff, I'll show her good and all, I got man parts.
Simon: I'm trying to find a way you could be cruder. It's just...it's not coming.

    • Then the part where Jayne leaves. He reaches into his pocket one more time and reveals...a deck of cards. That he takes a perverse pleasure in telling them he was going to leave the cards, but is now taking them. Just because.
    • "Also? I can kill you with my brain."[1]
  • The end of "Trash". That is all.

"I have a condition!"
"That went well."

    • And the rest of "Trash," particularly this exchange, especially Wash's delivery:

Mal: Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
Wash: I'm confused.
Saffron: You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself?
Wash: No. Actually, I was wondering... WHAT'S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP? ... We're in space! How'd she get here?
Mal: She hitched.
Wash: I don't recall pulling over!

The Message

  • One of the lighter moments of "The Message" featured the recently awakened Tracy, disoriented and flailing around. Mal subdues him in an (ahem) ambiguous position, then this exchange occurs:

Tracy: Sarge?
Mal: What?
Tracy: I think I'm nekkid.

  • You can't talk about "The Message" without mentioning the hat.

Wash: Man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.

    • That whole scene, as he painstakingly read the whole letter aloud, then pulled the hat out and excitedly plopped it on his head like a little kid, not even bothering to set it straight or pull the packing straw off of it. His whole excitement over the hat had me in a fit of giggles.
  • Or, for that matter, River and The Ice Planet.

River: My food is problematic.

  • Also, for some reason, this exchange while Jayne is ripping apart the coffin box:

Mal: You find anything?
Jayne: Not unless its made of magical wish-granting planks.

  • Or:

River: I'm very comfortable.

  • Or:

Mal: Using corpses for smuggling is a time-honored repulsive custom.
Jayne: Maybe it's gold.
Zoe: And maybe he was a friend of ours and you need to show a little respect.
Jayne: I got respect. I'm just saying...(points at body) gold!

  • And still more: In a deleted scene on the DVD extras from that episode, the revolving shot as the recorded message is playing. With Nathan Fillion (Mal) running counter to the camera rotation to be every second person in the rotating shot. Smiles, grins, chuckles, and outright laughter ensues among the cast. The two best parts: Nathan is completely straight faced and solemn the whole time, and the last bit is him snuggling with Tracy in the coffin. Found here.
  • After Mal and Zoe open the crate containing Tracy's corpse:

Jayne: (wearing his new hat) What'd y'all order a dead guy for?

  • "Some starts pokin' around just, shoot 'em." "Shoot them?" "Y'know. Politely."

Heart of Gold

Kaylee: (sigh) Everyone's got somebody... Wash, tell me I'm pretty.
Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.

  • Book has a nice one when they're going to board up the house:

Shepard Book: I'm fair-handed with a hammer, captain.
Mal: That so?
Book: I've been following the footsteps of a carpenter for quite some time now.

  • Jayne gets plenty of CMoFs:

Jayne: (flipping through Simon's diary) Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hillfolk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever!

  • And while we're discussing Jayne, we also have the classic line:

Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.

    • Which is later referenced by another Crowning Moment Of Funny by Wash:

Wash: We'll be in our bunk!

    • How about the second time Jayne says the line, immediately followed by:

Zoe: Jayne, grab your weapon.

    • The look Book gives afterward makes it ever funnier.
  • "Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!" And on that note, nearly everything Wash has ever said.
    • "Ahaha! Mine is an Evil Laugh! Now die!" "OH NO GOD, OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!"
  • Wash enters a room containing Simon and an "alien" in "The Message":
  • "I'm a leaf in the wind, watch how I soar." "What does that mean?!"
    • Oh god, no. I just went from laughing to crying.

Objects in Space

  • To wit:

Jayne: ...Are you sayin' she's a witch?
Wash: Yes, Jayne. She is a witch. She has had congress with the Beast.
Jayne: ...She's in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech?

Early: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

  • And then there's the exchange between her and Mal, after he wakes up from Early knocking him flat:

Mal: Am I dreamin'?
River: We all are.
Mal: (rolls his eyes)
River (Who isn't even on the same ship, let alone in the same room): Don't make faces.

    • "There was a man. He was very blurry."
  • The legendary exchange between Early and Simon:

Early: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport yet by far the most troublesome. That seem right to you?
Simon: ...What did he do?
Early: Who?
Simon: The midget.
Early: Arson. Little man loooooved fire.

  • What about the infamous 'Am I a Lion?' scene. Gets me every time.
  • Let's not forget:

Early: Where is she?
Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship - don't look at me.

    • Also, when Early gets tired of playing games and tries to force River to come out of hiding:

Early: You show yourself, and we finish this exchange, or your brother's brains'll be flying every which way. (Turning to Simon, he adds, very politely:) You understand, I'm sort of on a clock here, it's frustrating.

  • While Simon and Early are struggling, Jayne finally wakes up. He looks up at the noise, scowls, reaches up to pull the blanket off his Wall of Weapons, and rousing heroic battle music begins to play... and then Jayne rolls over, pulls the blanket over himself, and falls asleep.
  • And at the very end when Early was pushed out into space.

Early: Well, here I am.

  • An understated classic from "Objects In Space," where Jayne complains that he was attacked by River.

Jayne: Anyone else remember that time she came at me with a butcher's knife?
Zoe: (to Mal) Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd hurt anyone.
Jayne: Butcher's knife!
Zoe: Anyone we can't spare.

The Big Damn Movie

(piece of ships front panel peels off, bounces off the cockpit window and flies off into space)
Mal: What was that?
Wash: Did you see that?
Mal: Was that the primary buffer panel? Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram ship for no apparent reason?
(ship lurches)
Wash: Looks like.
Mal: I thought Kaylee just fixed the entry couplings. I have a very clear memory of...
Wash: Well, if she can't get me some extra flow from the engines to offset the burn-through, this landing is going to get pretty interesting.
Mal: Define "interesting."
Wash: (deadpan) "Oh God, oh God, we're all going to die?"
Mal: (pulls down intercom speaker) This is the Captain speaking. We're having a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some turbulence, and then... explode.

    • Immediately after that:

Mal: Just get us on the ground.
Wash: That part'll happen pretty definitely!

    • And a bit later:

Jayne: Are we gonna explode? I don't wanna explode.

  • After the River fight in the Maidenhead some time later, Wash offers up this gem:

Wash: Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl...cause I don't think that's ever getting old.

    • Made even better in the outtakes when he messes up the line as "Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-year-old...man...with man boobs."
      • "Oh, man!"
  • Don't forget Jayne's complaint while escaping the Reavers early in the movie, after Mal chewing him out about his choice of weaponry in an earlier scene.

Jayne: Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?

  • And in the background as Mal walks away from the chewing-out:

Zoe: Are those grenades?
Jayne: Yeah, captain doesn't want 'em.
Zoe: Jayne, we're robbing the place. We're not occupying it.

Wash: Dammit, I don't need a back-spaceship driver!
Mal: GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAY!
Wash: That's it, fine! You wanna fly? Fuckin' fly! [Walks out] I'll be in my bunk.

Am I...talking to Miranda now?

  • And who could forget this memorable exchange:

Simon: I've spent so much time on Serenity ignoring everything that I wanted for myself. My one regret in all of this... is never being with you.
Kaylee: With me? You mean to say, as in... sex?
Simon: I mean to say.
Kaylee: Well, to hell with this. I'm going to live!

  • Simon and Kaylee, taking the "U" out of their UST. A Crowning Moment of Heartwarming that rapidly turns hilarious when the camera pans up to show River peeking down at them from an overhead vent with a curious-wide-eyed-kid look on her face.

Kaylee: Goin' on a year now, I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!
Mal: Oh god! I CAN'T KNOW THAT!
Jayne: ...I could stand to hear a little more.

  • And don't forget this line:

River: I swallowed a bug.

    • From the same scene, after the crew has crash-landed back in the ship, Kaylee rushes to Simon, who was only there to open the door and says, with obvious concern, "Are you okay?" Mal, who was thrown off the Mule during said crash-landing stands up and with the most indignant look on his face, exclaims, "Is he okay?!"
  • When Mal leaves Zoe in charge of the ship in the Big Damn Movie, and for a second you think he's going for the Heroic Sacrifice.

Mal: I'll take the shuttle in closer. Zoe, ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, or you don't hear from me within the hour, you take this ship and you come and you rescue me.
Zoe: What? And risk my ship?
Mal: I mean it. It's cold out there. I don't wanna get left.

  • And this:

The Operative: (to Mal) You cannot make me angry.
Inara: Please, spend an hour with him!
Mal: (smiles, then blinks)

    • And then later, after the Operative shoots Mal in the back:

Mal: I haven't made you angry, have I?

  • "Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket."
  • In the scene before featuring Mal's first fight with the Operative, said Operative compares River Tam to an albatross that will doom the ship. Mal then answers that an albatross is a help to a ship until an idiot kills him. He then turns to Inara and says this:

Mal: Yes, I read a poem. Try not to faint.

  • Another outtake: an alternate version of the "gather up these bodies and tie them to our ship" scene.

Mal: Put Book on the front; he's our friend, we should honor him. Kaylee, find that kid taking a dirtnap with Baby Jesus, we need a hood ornament.

    • How could you miss the crowning finish "Jayne, try not to to steal too much of their shit!" Complete with Adam Baldwin making the "What? I wasn't gonna." gesture
  • I submit for your consideration Alan Tudyk reading Hoban Washburn's eulogy.
  • How about the crew watching Mal stumble through his awkward video call with Inara and boo/throw food at the screen when he said something dumb?
  • Mal and Jayne's argument.

Mal: You wanna run this ship?!
Jayne: Yeah!
Mal: (Beat) Well, you can't!

  • The Book Ends. When we first see Serenity, she's entering atmo, and a piece of equipment that is apparently rather important to the reentry sequence breaks clean off. Mal goes, "What was that?" Fast forward to the end of the movie. Serenity powers her way through a raging thunderstorm to a dramatic "down but not out" soundtrack, reaches the edge of space, makes like she's about to accelerate to relativistic speed ... and then a piece of the cowling from the main engine breaks off and the screen goes black. Mal says "What was that?" in the exact same tone and inflection as at the beginning of the movie.
  • There's something absolutely hilarious in seeing the utterly unflappable Operative... flap when Serenity arrives with the Reaper fleet right behind it, with the Operative's assembled fleet essentially wearing shiny new target signs.

Operative: Target the Reavers. Target the Reavers! Target everyone! Somebody fire!

Serenity Comics

  • From Those Left Behind, when Wash and Zoe make love on the bridge and then suddenly have to call all the crew up to the cockpit. They're calmly and unobtrusively buttoning up their clothes, and everyone is pointedly not looking their way, when...

River: It stinks like sex in here.

  • In the Better Days comic, the crew are describing what they'd do with all the money they've made. Jayne's fantasy future is an impossibly awesome starship captain with Amazonian Bridge Bunnies who call him "Your Manliness." Book's "fantasy" shows him as a crime kingpin with two scantily-clad hookers hanging off him which is him just kidding. River's is...odd. It apparently involves a really nice dress, a giant fish in a tuxedo, imps flying around on balloons, a Chinese-style dragon, a llama, and a rainbow castle.

Zoe: ...Well, now mine's taken.

    • Somebody better remind her that imps doing weird shit is Yahtzee's thing. Actually, don't, that would be too epic a battle to miss.
  • Jayne, Book and River's plans for their respective shares of the cash, and Jayne trying to get a lesson in Companion etiquette... from Simon.
  • Though Float Out is about people remembering Wash, there's still this gem from Leland's story:

Leland: (narrating) Yeah, I met Wash when he and I were runners for PonyMacro. "System to system, pole to pole, PonyMacro's how you roll."
Wash: ...just saying they should change their slogan. They discontinued ground transport before I was born, so the "rolling" thing makes no sense. And all the money's in system to system, so even the "pole to pole" thing doesn't really apply.
Leland: (in flashback) People remember things that rhyme.
Wash: All the time?
(Later, when they're being chased and shot at:)
Leland: Can you make a rhyme now...?
(Their ship speeds clear of the blasts)
Wash: Wow! That was close! And how!

  • From Better Days when Jayne hands some cash to a monk:

Jayne: Buy some shoes.
Monk: The Hero of Canton... He's real!


Firefly is pretty much made of Awesome, Funny, and Aww. Sometimes simultaneously. We'd better stop before we quote the entire script.

  • Too late.
  1. ↑ Or any other part of her body.
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