I Put On My Robe and Wizard Hat

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"I... did it... for the lawls."

In the ending moments of the Fourth Holy Grail War, certain people took a different tack to resolve the problem of the tainted grail. As a result, there was no fire that consumed Fuyuki City.

Ten years later, Shirou Urobuchi finds himself having the most harrowing day of his life. He is chased by a blue haired spearman for no reason, and his attempt to counterattack gets the school burnt down. After his life was saved by a white haired male dual wielding swords, he manages to get home, only to find Ilyasviel von Einzbern nee Emiya waiting for him. She's giving him an early birthday present, her virginity. The red haired, internet savvy, hungry for Sakura Matou, teenaged boy accepts, and soon finds his fate tied to the Emiya family, just as the Fifth Holy Grail War begins...

I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat is a Fate Stay Night Fanfic written by Ol'Velsper. It is an attempt to reimagine the Fifth Holy Grail War in the same vein as the Interview-verse fics of The Sage of Toads. That means making people Genre Savvy, One of Us, and most importantly Crazy Awesome.

The Sequel, Apostles in Leather Pants, takes place not long after the first story and reimagines Tsukihime. Let's not forget the side story, Reflection of the Kaleidoscope, contain some what ifs and some crossovers.

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This fanfic contains examples of:

• Badass: Shirou is shaping up to be one. Then there are the Servants, Kiritsugu, and Myrddin Emrys.
• Big Damn Summon: Miyu accidentally triggered a servant summoning spell, just in time to call forth a replacement Rider-class who took down the zombies after her. And not just any Rider class, but Iskander-Rider from the Fourth Grail War.
• Brain Bleach: Well... Lancer was certainly squicked by what he found out when Shirou asked his last question.
• Broke Your Arm Punching Out Angra Mainyu: Type 1. Shirou Urobuchi (The Younger) sacrificed himself to stop Angra Mainyu's manifestation, but ended up trapped in the Holy Grail and finding out he only delayed the Evil Divine Spirit.
• Came Back Wrong: Shinji Matou, after his grandfather merged what remained of Shinji's body with one of his worm familiars.
• Canon Immigrant: Kuro-Ilya isn't the only Fate Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya character to join the fun. Miyu Edelfelt exists in the story as Miyu Inui, Shirou's half-sister on his mother's side, sibling to Arihiko Inui and Ichiko Inui, and an unintended Master of Iskander-Rider.
• Car Fu: Medusa-Rider and Saber duel on motorbikes, and then later, Rider tries to run Shirou and Saber down with a train!

Shirou: Multi-Track Drifting!

• Clap Your Hands If You Believe: Rin believes that Lina Inverse is real. Thus, when she finds the info on The Other Wiki, she can't help but laughs as she finds the Magical Incantation to the Dragon Slave. She then uses the spell to blow up the Matou household after Archer rescues Sakura.
• Combination Attack: Medea and Cú Chulainn combine their powers to use the True Sun Rune on a horde of zombies.
• Crossover: Half of the Nasuverse so far. Also, Homura Akemi appears in the epilogue. Word of God says this is a prequel to her appearance in his other work, Lyrical Chronicles.
• Deconstruction Fic.
• Demoted To Not Appearing At All: Servant Assassin. However, Assassin finally appears in the sequel.
• Did You Just Flip Off Alaya?

Archer: 'Fuck your bullshit, Gaia.'

• Easy Mode Final Boss: Zouken.

According to Word of God: "Zouken was easy mode as a villain. I want to try to brush my dialogue for the harder ones."

• Equivalent Exchange: Archer-Urobuchi's ability seems limited to exchanging artifacts with similar histories. He can trade up for more potent Noble Phantasms by offering his personal Noble Phantasm The Jewel Sword Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg.
• Evil Twin: The Einzberns send in a dark skinned version of Ilya as their representative of the Fifth Holy Grail War.
• Explosive Overclocking: How Shirou defeats Worm!Shinji. He flooded one of Kirutsugu's Origin Bullets with prana and shot Shinji with it. This caused Shinji's mind to experience more information than he could handle and nearly drove him insane. Shirou specifically compares it to a DDOS attack.
• For Want of a Nail: Archer-Urobuchi picks up the slack when Rin Tohsaka misplaces the gem stone that would serve as the catalyst to call Archer-Emiya.
• Good Costume Switch: When Medusa-Rider becomes Medusa-Saver, she's wearing white.
• Guile Hero: Taiga's grandfather Raiga Fujimura. When asked for help with the Zombie Apocalypse he says that he can't take direct action because of the Tohno. After Taiga and company leave he fires 15 of his guards along with his assistant of 15 years. When the assistant asks about his severance pay Raiga tells him to help himself to anything in the armory and that Taiga is currently recruiting "workers."
• Happily Married: Kirutsugu and Taiga.
• Heroic Sacrifice: Caster, Lancer, and Berserker during the final battle. (They may survive) Archer and Shirou at the end.
• Idiosyncratic Episode Naming: All chapters except for the first and the last three are named after Dungeons and Dragons spells; specifically, Wizard or Sorcerer spells.
• In Spite of a Nail: Despite no fire, Avalon is inserted into Shirou in order to keep him from being overwhelmed by the awakening of his magic circuits.
• Merlin: While hallucinating during his Reinforcement training, Shirou encounters Myrddin Emrys in the guise of a cute 12-year-old boy.
• Yakuza Princess: Taiga Fujimura-nee-Emiya
• Murder the Hypotenuse: Shinji orders Medusa-Rider to kill Shirou after Ilya dumps him. Too bad for him he didn't know that Shirou was a Master, and that Archer made use of Medusa for his own plans.
• Naughty Tentacles: Ilya's thoughts after the first encounter with worm-Shinji.

Ilya: Why'd I lend La Blue Girl to him again?

• Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Kiritsugu sabotaged Fuyuki's ley lines to prevent the Grand Holy Grail from manifesting. Unfortunately, he neglected to tell anyone else he did. So when Archer enacted his plan to ascend Medusa and exorcise Zouken from Sakura, the damaged ley lines overloaded, causing the earthquake that nearly leveled Fuyuki and unleashing Zouken's familiars into the populace.
• Rousing Speech: Shirou adapts the 40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 Minutes video to convince Kuro-Ilya to fight against Zouken's plot.
• Sealed Evil in A Duel: Implied to be Shirou Urobuchi's fate in the epilogue.

Shirou: "All of Mankind's Evils...do you have enough trolls?"

• Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Heroic Spirit UROBUCHI's goal, even though his original timeline would still exist. Apparently Fuyuki City was totally destroyed in the Fifth Holy Grail War, and Rin died at the hands of Zouken.
• She Is All Grown Up: Ilya has a teenage body in this storyline.
• Shout-Out: The other main ingredient besides Rule of Cool.
  • The third chapter starts right out with Archer saying My little Master can't be this lame!"
  • Archer demonstrating his Reality Marble to Rin has him adapting the Isaiah Mustafa Old Spice commercials.
  • Shirou's family name is from Gen Urobuchi, the writer from Nitroplus responsible for Fate Zero.
  • Shirou's father Ren often mutters something about heat death for some reason.
  • Medusa-Rider stumbles upon a yellow Vespa in her search for a motorbike.
  • While executing his plan to rescue Sakura, Archer uses the codename Snake and has a cardboard box with him.
  • What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers?! Used twice.
  • Queen Sign: We will... we will... ROCK YOU!
    • Hax Sign: You Just Plain Fucking Lose
  • “LEEEEEERRRROOOY JEEEEEEENNNKKKIINNS!”
  • While defending his reasons for holding back on his Reality Marble, Archer-Urobuchi laments on how some of his friends would react. The Witch would flay him alive, The Librarian would sic the worms on him, and the last would slice him to pieces with paper.
  • "I'm...um...Shirou Urobuchi," The white haired man nervously chuckled. He closed his eyes as he dipped his head. "Sorry about this?"
  • To convince Saber to fight with him (and not stab him in the back), Shirou says that Saber shouldn't believe in Kititsugu, but to "Believe in me that believes in Kiritsugu!" To emphasize the shout out, Shirou then copies what Simon said when he declared that he wasn't Kamina.

"Who the hell do you think I am? My name is Shirou Urobuchi!" His hands lashed out and grabbed onto the king's own, causing a spark to run up Arturia's hands. Only Irisviel had really been touchy with her during the Fourth War. "Not Kiritsugu Emiya! I'm me! Shirou the Wizard!"

• • After shirou tells Caren about his life, Caren asks what answer Shirou got from it. His answer? Forty-Two
  • After Kuro-Iliya mentions to Miyu that her water magic hasn't developed enough to heal people, Miyu asks if Kuro-Iliya "ever thought of clapping and then slamming your palms into the gro-"

"Alchemy. Does. Not. Work. That. Way."

• • "Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!
• Shown Their Work: The author gives appropriate nods throughout the Fanfic to the Servants' respective legends, as well as Nasu's data books.
• Spared By the Adaptation: Bazette is still alive, and still Lancer's master.
• The Library of Babel: Infinity Library Archives
• This Was His True Form: Turns out Heroic Spirit UROBUCHI was using the Jeweled Sword of Zelretch in order to take the form of Counter Guardian EMIYA. When it became a Broken Phantasm due to the overflow of mana, he reverted to his natural form, and lost access to numerous abilities.
• Title Drop: In the final chapter.
• What the Hell, Hero?: Rin's reaction to finding out Archer's backup plan is to use Medusa-Saver to purify the grail by killing her and letting her cancel out Angra Mainyu.
• Zombie Apocalypse: The result of Zouken's familiars spreading across Fuyuki through the sewer system.