Mystery Science Theater 3000/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


  • Crow's "Potato Soliloquy" from Pod People.
    • The voice Crow did for Trumpy and most of his lines, this one in particular;

Tommy: "You know how to play, Trumpy?"
Crow: [As Trumpy] "Like hell, more food!"

    • The Mads' (completely justified) reaction to the third host segment.
  • Just about every joke related to Zap Rowsdower, Joe Don Baker, or Torgo.
  • The entirety of Space Mutiny.
    • With special mention of the jokes involving the Enforcer chase and the movie's hero, David Ryder.
    • Also from Space Mutiny

Commander Santa Claus: Don't blame yourself, son.
Crow: It's not your fault you're a chunk-head.

    • "That scene really makes me think... about how much better a root canal would be than this movie!"
    • Over the credits, Tom and Crow ridicule Mike about how very Eighties the movie is. "All because of your Eighties. Your precious Eighties." "Yeah, it wouldn't have stopped being the Seventies if it wasn't for you, pal."
    • Don't forget Tom and Crow fighting in the escape pods.

Tom: Eat munchy-crunchy-chocolatey-cocoa DEATH, Crow!
Crow: Enjoy a nice serving of brown betty...WITH DEATH! But mostly, eat death.

  • Merlins Shop of Mystical Wonders: "Remember to believe in magic...or I'll kill you."
    • Also "Ride, Shadowfax, ride!" when Merlin disappears when someone he was talking to turns around to look at him again.
  • Pumaman, he flies like a moron...
    • "Help I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
    • "You... You... Non-British guy!"
    • Also, the shout of "Pumaman!" as Tony plays dead, trying hard to ignore the large bug crawling on his ear.
    • "Take that, members of Boston!"
    • After witnessing Puma Man fly for the time, "Why don't you give me that belt back; I'm gonna give it to someone else."
    • The whole 'fly blackmail' bit is one of my all-time favorite quips.
    • Crow: N-no, not THAT kind of "go"!
      • "Behold, Coatimundi Man is born!"
    • "Oh no, they're gonna start Tango-ing!"
    • Jane: But this is proof of outer space presence in our history!
      • Crow: You said that about waffles.
  • He tried to kill me with a forkliiiift!
  • The redoing of the opening credits skit in Cave Dwellers, especially the really really huge numbers of things that were apparently the property of Gizmonic Institute.
  • "They took out the Hitler building!"
    • And Tom's "Eat it movie!" song shortly thereafter, made even better when you know that Kevin Murphy really did hate the film because of the Hitler Building (as did the rest of the crew).

Tom: Oh, I know a song about stock footage. It goes like this: Da-dah, dadum dun dun, EAT IT, MOVIE! TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM AND ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR-- (starts sobbing uncontrollably)

Tom: So what will Godzilla bring to this fight?
Joel: He'll bring the legend that is Godzilla!
Crow: Yep, he's the policeman: I don't always agree with his methods, but I respect him.
(Later, when Godzilla uproots a tree and starts clubbing Megalon with it:)
Crow: He's got a tree! He's got a tree!! This is not the Godzilla we know; he's fighting dirty!
Servo(as Jet Jaguar): A tree? That is not like you.
Joel(as Godzilla, as he tosses the tree aside): You're right, it isn't even the right club for this hole. Now let's win it our way!
(Later)
Joel: This is what it all boils down to, a little game of life that we call "character".
Crow: Yeah, even if Godzilla doesn't win this fight he's still aces in my book!

  • Come on, people, let's hear some love for the shorts! "Mr. B Natural" in particular floors me every time I see it.
    • I'll show some love for the shorts: the Gumby one in particular: "It's my seventh day without food or water, have mercy!"
  • The hilarious song Tom sings during the Circus On Ice short-

Tom Servo (Singing): These two girls, they make quite a pair. They both come from your worst nightmare. They will haunt your soul forever. And now. When you see pink. You're gonna think. "We're doomed." They are agents of Satan...

Joel (Laughing): Stop it, Tom.

    • Heck, the entire Circus On Ice short is full of CMOF.
    • Even the tone of voice TV's Frank uses to announce the short is hilarious.

Frank: Circus.
Forrester: [Chuckles gleefully]
Frank: ...on Ice.
Forrester: [Laughs maniacally]

Singer: (Incomprehensible)
Tom: Let me tell you about our drink special tonight!
Singer: (Incomprehensible)
Tom: Don't park in the alley or you'll get towed!
Singer: (Incomprehensible)
Tom: While I'm up here let me point out the restrooms!

Mike: I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.
Crow: THROW SOME MIRACLE-GRO IN HIS EYES!

    • The guys' reaction to the nerdy kid's dream girl.

Crow: Aaaughh! Robert Plant!

Mike: "That's EXACTLY what I want to look like."

Tom: I don't really need to see every part of the human body outlined in spandex! I can trust it's all there!

    • At the end of film, after the vault has been blown up:

McCreedy: There's been an accident at the studio.
Crow: We made Hobgoblins.

    • The part where Mike and the Bots pretty much give up trying to watch the film and bring out pre-recorded cardboard cutouts to riff for them:

Mike Cutout: Here's this guy. What's he up to?
Tom Cutout: Boy, this is stupid!
Mike Cutout: I wouldn't do that! Would you?
Crow Cutout: No.

    • "Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and The Claw!"
    • The gang riffing on the characters' lack of reaction when Nick is seemingly incinerated right in front of them:

Mike: Aw, come on, Nick... oh yeah, he burned to death. Oh well.
Crow: Nick's a smoking husk right now. He won't mind if we use his van.

"It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and bible black. And as I look down on the big blue bean we would call home I think it so near, yet...oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight, because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile...of course, his face WOULD be rosy, because it's a vacuum out there! I mean Santa's heart would explode! But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper! OH, THE HUMANITY!! And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out...AND THE REINDEER--OH, THE REINDEER!!!--keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails! Prancer: BOOM! Dancer: BOOM!"

Tom: "SPIIIIDER! SPIIIIIDER! SPIIIIDER! SPIIIIDER!"

Mike Pipper: "Now, thousands of years ago..."
Tom Servo: "Uh-huh?"
Mike Pipper: "... long before the Indians..."
Tom Servo: "Yeah?"
Mike Pipper: "... this land was inhabited by the Ziox."
Tom Servo: "No, it wasn't."
Mike Pipper: "They were a highly intelligent race..."
Tom Servo: "Nu-uh."
Mike Pipper: "... far advanced in science, and architecture, and literature..."
Tom Servo: "No, they weren't."
Mike Pipper: "... they built a huge city..."
Tom Servo: "No, they didn't."

    • All of the Larry Csonka jokes, but particularly this one, as the camera focuses on the framed photo of the character who looks like him:

Tom: MVP, Super Bowl VIII, for Miami.

    • (after Rowsdower escapes the villains and catches his breath) "Hold on, I'm having a series of elaborate heart attacks."
    • (after Rowsdower wakes up screaming from a nightmare) Mike: "I forgot the liquor store closes at 8:00!!!!!"
  • The outtakes from Hercules Against the Moon Men is full of CMOA:
    • During the Super Freak Out bit, Gypsy knocks over the prop box used for the Super Freak Out kit. It results in revealing that the box is actually for a toy spider that's part of the He-Man toy line, with Joel and 'Bots reacting in terror to the spider.
    • Crow's line during one of the host segments is "I hate movies where the men just wear shorter skirts than the women." During one take, Trace instead says "I hate movies where the women wear shorter skirts than..." and as he trails off Kevin makes Tom say "I love movies like that!"
    • During the Pants Song, Joel flubs his line and says "Shit", which results in Joel, Trace and Kevin singing about shit instead of pants.
    • And before the Pants Song, Tom falls off the table, leaving Crow singing shyly alone while Joel helps him up.
  • The Canada song, gleefully Crossing The Line Twice.
  • What happens when "the button" - the one Frank presses to end the show - gets broken? Here's a hint; it takes a full three minutes and nine seconds for the real credits to roll. Perhaps one of the funniest credit sequences in TV history.
  • From the driving-safety short Last Clear Chance, after the kid's brother has been killed in a car crash:

Mike (as cop): "You know, son, 40% of all accidents..."
Servo (as kid): "OH, SHUT UP, will ya!"

(during Gilbert's long rant) Crow: "Look, God has a spring."

Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland"...
Joel: Oh, we've all been there.
Narrator: ...But there are lots of people inside, so he thinks he'll check on things.
Crow: A whiskery man hands him a small package. "The first one's free," he says.

  • This blooper from The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent. Joel blew it.
  • Since there's been nothing yet for the Invention Exchanges, I'd like to nominate the Cake-and-Shake, Johnny Longtorso, and the tank tops.
    • The Mads' Tragic Moments Figurines from Being from Another Planet, such as "Sparky's Last Romp" (a little boy holding his just-run-over-by-a-car dog).
    • The Andrew Lloyd Webber Grill.
    • My favorite Invention Exchange invention was TV's Frank's picture-in-picture TV that shows what you'd be doing if you weren't watching TV.
    • And on the Joel side of the Exchange, the Cartuner, which merges comic strips together to make new ones.
      • "ZIGGY HAD GARFIELD NEUTERED? NOW THAT'S FUNNY!"
  • Idiot Control Now! Hideous control now! Ninny on the road now! Minnie in control, wheels on fire, burnin' rubber tires ...
  • The Failure song and dance from The Day The Earth Froze
  • The hero of Jack Frost, in classic fairy tale style, distracts a bunch of mountain trolls or something trying to rob him, and throws their cudgels so high in the air they won't come down until winter. The trolls watch the cudgels fly away, and then look back down at the hero, and we get, in a completely deadpan indignant voice,

"You didn't tell us you were mythical!"

  • Samson vs The Vampire Women is generally a great episode, but Crow's laugh when you first see El Santo is priceless (skip to 5:39)
    • And every time the devil shows up. "I have a question!"
  • San Francisco International Airport had some top notch riffs. There's a subplot about a couple going through a divorce and the effect it has on their teenage son, which, honestly, few viewers probably cared about. But when the same kid steals an Ercoupe and has to be talked through flying and landing safely, we're treated to some of the darkest, most deliciously hilarious riffs ever.

"Davey? All those people down there are getting divorced because of you!"
"Davey, you're gonna meet a guy in a black robe who wants to play chess with you..."

"The faces of those you’ve wronged will be floating up on your left."

"By the way, Davey, where are your dental records?"

Doctor: Take her to the Infrared Room.
Bots: Infrared what?
[cut to shot of half-naked woman]
Crow: ...Mike, I beg you to get us an Infrared Room RIGHT NOW.

    • Also:

Mike: EXTREEEEEME Organized Crime!!

    • Also:

Prime Minister:...the socially sick elements of our society.
Servo: Yeah, look who's talking!"

"Not the giant rattler! Please! Please, not the giant rattler! I can't do that! He hates me! We went to camp together!"

TV's Frank: I know! Let's play ring toss with your soul!

  • The clearing-the-land sequence from the "Truck Farmer" short. "Early tractor pulls, not that much fun... this is the freestyle competition!" "Aaaugh, it's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!"
    • Also: "Go Speed Farmer, go Speed Farmer, go Speed Farmer goooooo!"
  • The show often made fun of the social attitudes at the times that the film du jour was made, but never with more shocking directness than during I Accuse My Parents, when the protagonist skates on a murder charge just because he had drunk parents: "Wow. Thank God I'm white!"
  • One outtake was supposed to have Joel have a simple word while eating waffles. And he blows that, apparently for no better reason than because he can.

Joel: Pancakes! -- oh, I blew it, I'm sorry.
Kevin Murphy: You nut! Get outta town...
Joel: I'm sorry!
Jim Mallon: Wahh wahh wahh!
Joel: (giggles)

  • The SoL is heading straight for a black hole! There's only one man who can save the satellite...no! One woman...Captain Janeway! Sorta!
    • "Captain Janeway" then ends up singing "Proud Mary." It must be seen to be believed.
  • The ending of Rocky: Joel and the Bots receive a "Banner-Gram," which results in Bovaro from the movie (played by John Banner) visiting the SOL. They find him so annoying that they send him to Deep 13, where he annoys Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank throughout the credits. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for the So L crew.

Dr. Forrester: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Joel: Pancakes--oh, I blew it.

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
Servo: "Oops"?
Narrator: ..."radiation".
Servo: Oh.

  • "We-are-scientists! Get-out-of-our-way!"
  • From Squirm, as in-movie a tree crashes through a Southern home at dinnertime:

Crow:Save the chicken-fried collard greens!

  • In The Phantom Planet: When the protagonist starts getting echoing audio flashbacks, Mike and the 'bots decide to join the fun:

Servo: Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Mike: Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
Crow: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Mike: Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
Crow: I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
Servo: You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...

  • From The Space Children: When the soldiers are running offscreen into an underground bunker:

Crow: (as soldier) Does anyone know what's down here?
All: (scream in pain and fear)

  • From The Deadly Bees: "Sure, she seems depressing now, but you should see her when she starts playin' her banjo!"
    • The opening sequence with the band.

Crow: Eeeeeeeeiiiighht miiiilllless WRONG!"
Mike: There's me, 1982.
Tom Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go straight to the heroin.

    • Any of the references to Vicki's flaming towel.
    • All the bitter exchanges between Hargrove and his chainsmoking wife:

Crow: *sighs* Has the hate gone out of our marriage?

It's a nice day if it doesn't rain.
It's always a nice day if it doesn't rain.
If the sun isn't too warm.
Mike:(As Tee) So you're a Delta Knight too, huh?

  • In Gunslinger, two moments stand out:
    • Early in the film, Erika comes to see Cain in his room, but thanks to a bad case of Special Effects Failure, the door opens outward, leading Crow to sputter out:

Crow: Hey... wait a minute, doors don't open like that... there's a number... he's in the hall!

      • The other scenes that focus on Cain's room would end up either having the women asking why his stuff is in the hall or Cain musing why the girls are in his room when they leave.
    • Near the end of the episode, Mayor Polk goes to confront Cain. He reaches back for his guns, which aren't there:

Joel: [as Polk] Draw, er... wait a sec!

This is followed by Polk appraoching Cain with a pitchfork, the angling of the camera causing Crow and Tom to sing out part of the Green Acres theme!

Crow: as Polk approaches Do-doo, do-do-doo, the chores!
Tom Servo: Do-doo, do-do-doo, [switches to Cain] ...the hell?

  • In Invasion of the Neptune Men has the titular Neptune Men menacingly approaching the recently arrived Super Chief. As they do, Mike and the 'Bots drone out in sync "Ha-ha-ha, your costume is ridiculous!"

Season 10

  • Soultaker: Confronted by an unidentified ship shadowing the SoL, Mike must take charge. Unfortunately, he confuses it with the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Mike: Alright, I'm in command. Good, uh... put alien ship on viewscreen. (ship appears on screen). There!
Servo: Uh, yeah, I think we'll need a little something more Mike, life support is still failing and all.
Mike: Okay, uh, increase magnification!
Crow: Um, Mike, we actually don't have-
Mike: (oblivious) Alright, just a little bit more, good. Alright. Uh... shields up.

Crow and Servo: (confused) Shields?

Mike: Arm photon torpedoes.

Servo: Mike, we only had that one photon torpedo, but Crow set it off in your locker if you'll remember.

Mike: Well then... close hexfield. (viewscreen shorts out) ...There. I've broken the hexfield. Carry on, I'll be in my ready room. (flees)

    • Crow losing his contact lens just when Natalie was undressing. Crow comes back to late, and Tom mercilessly taunts him.

Crow: Aw, hell. A ROBE?! Damn you, movie!

Tom: I saw it! I saw everything!

Crow: Shut up, Servo!

    • "EEEWW! That took my soul, right there!"
  • From The Girl in Gold Boots: The host segment where Mike spoofs Critter's wimpy singing and guitar playing while Crow is in the dreamy image above trying to tell him about a fire on the SOL. And the best part? Mike is a far better singer than Critter is.
    • Joanie shrieks for everyone to "GET OUT!!" and Crow quickly tries to leave the theater in response.
  • Future War: Crow's riff of "All. His. Pants. Are low-riders." comes to mind.

"This place is a maze!"
Crow: We call it a corn.

    • "It's Super Pope!"
    • "Yo. Let's pick wildflowers."
    • During the final battle scene: "I open my mouth at you!"
    • After the title "Special appearance by Mel Novak" appears: "It'd be more special if we knew who the hell he was!"
    • All the jokes about the guy wearing the beret being in the French Revolution, especially "Vive le resistance!" and humming the French national anthem.
    • As the camera pans up a character... "Ladies and gentlemen, FRED BURROWS."
    • Crow: "OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it."
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