Hypocritical Humor/Quotes

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Athens: The same reports are coming in from the vessel commanders throughout the fleet. As we expected, the organic units are proving very selfish. Even with the two courses laid clearly before them, they stubbornly choose futile efforts at self-preservation over the greater good. Petey: The next engagements begin shortly. Athens, we need live telemetry feeds from all your systems - maybe we can learn something important. Athens: Who says I'm going first? I'm the flagship. You go first. —Schlock Mercenary

This column generated a large amount of mail from irate opera lovers who: 1. Pointed out that they are far more sophisticated, urbane, and cultured than I am, and 2. Used some really dirty words. —Dave Barry, "The Fat Lady Sings"

"Jonathan Ross is the worst kind of nasty, gratuitous, insulting, viciously insensitive bully." said Piers Morgan... from his glass house! —Tom Baker, reading a quote on Have I Got News for You

[Sephiroth]'s just another maniac with a God complex. Like THAT's anything special! —Dissidia Final Fantasy, Kefka, who wrote the book on being a maniac with a God Complex.

So, they're just gonna sit alone in those theater seats and make wisecracks about the show. What Jerks! —Bill Corbett, Riff Trax Star Wars Episode III

People say I am ruthless. I am not ruthless. And if I find the man who is calling me ruthless, I shall destroy him. —Robert F. Kennedy

That's a lie! I don't need a potion to be nice, and I'll pound anyone who says I do into mush! —Bowser Koopa, The Adventures of Super Mario Bros 3

Yeah, but I couldn't have done it without you guys. And I'll never desert my friends again! Now excuse me while I desert you to talk to Trixie. —Timmy Turner, The Fairly OddParents

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is The War Room! —President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove

Women and children board first. I catch a young man trying to board by way of a lifeboat. Unseemly. I throw him off and take his place. —Ulysses Perhero, The ongoing adventures of Ulysses Perhero

Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker. —unknown, attributed to multiple sources

Not to give the plot away but the story continues the Bella/Edward saga through Bella and Edward's wedding, their idyllic honeymoon, Bella's pregnancy and culminates in Bella's transformation into a vampire and a final show down with the Volturi. —Amazon.co.uk, customer review of Breaking Dawn

I'm on your side! How many of you do I have to kill before you understand that!?

Your lyrics lack subtlety! You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry! —Robot Devil, Futurama

Hey, I might have a high opinion of myself and a low opinion of everyone else, but that doesn't make me arrogant. —Kuzco, The Emperors New School

And look who it is... Sonic, Princess Sally, and that overweight walrus! Tsk! Tsk! How can anyone let himself get so obese? —Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Sonic the Hedgehog issue #3

Mark Posubule: Forgive your debtors! Clay Puppington: Forgive your tresspassers! Mark Posubule: You owe me a bottle of wine! Clay Puppington: Get off my property! —Moral Orel, "The Lord's Prayer"

Lois: You did what? What ever possessed you to throw yourself out a window to get someone's attention? Clark: The memory of you asking me that with a straight face will last a lifetime. —52

I disapprove of rappers because of their songs degrading to women, but I'm going to beat you at this game because men are better than chicks! —Fairbanks of Sore Thumbs, accepting a challenge from his sister at Def Jam Vendetta

WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE!! —Super Mecha Death Christ

In time I grew as rich as the Gurneys An incubus then I thought her So I threw over the rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage And now if you please, I'm ready to try This breach of promise of marriage. —The Learned Judge, Trial by Jury

It turns out that Maxwell Lord wanted to get rid of superheros and super villains, so that normal humans to rightfully retake the Earth. Because super-powered being are to powerful. And yet HE is a super-powered being! —Linkara

Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you? Otto: You're the vulgarian, you fuck! —A Fish Called Wanda

Brennan: Kyle. I know you get everything you want by flaunting your superior intellect, but that won't work with me. Aldridge: And why is that? Brennan: Because I'm smarter than you are. —Bones

They even have forums where you can ask for information from peer consultants! Wait a minute... TEN BUCKS TO SIGN UP? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SCAM IS THIS?! —Something Awful Goon Novasol, Let's Play Wall Street Kid

Marisa: A half-beast that can't morph without the full moon is just a human. Weak! Alice: You DO know you're a human too, right? —Touhou Project: Imperishable Night

Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves —Benjamin Franklin

...there are some people who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that! —Tom Lehrer, in a foreword for "National Brotherhood Week"

...So if he hates people studying, why the HELL does he own a library?? —Youtube comment on I.M. Meen

Fans are clingy complaining dipshits who will never ever be grateful for any concession you make. The moment you shut out their shrill, tremulous voices the happier you will be for it. Incidentally, why not buy a Zero Punctuation t-shirt? —Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

(reading a ransom note) It from the martians! I know it them cause they no use good grammar. —Mr. Wong

I just know you are all my newest enemies...and you have really nice guns. You people are all the same. You think you're so SPECIAL! "Oh yeah, with all of our wonderful guns on this pathetic train, there's no way anyone can stop us! We are invincible and unbeatable! We are SO STRONG with all of our men and our guns!" Hahaha! You are my absolute favorite people to kill! You are so beautifully amazed when you die! Especially when I squish your brains! BETWEEN MY FINGERS! LIKE A FREAKING SAUSAGE! —Ladd Russo. Yes, the same guy who kisses his gun.

My inner fangirl just spazzamed at the "Send her my love" line. I mean, sure, in my group of friends, we tell each other we love each other all the time too, and that is 99% likely what Annie means, but my inner fangirl still can't stop squealing. —One fan comment on this page of Gunnerkrigg Court

<@Glench> opcasionally, I kick people for incorrect spelling <@Glench> ... —one op in xkcd chat

Humans are weak and disgusting little creatures who love to fight. —Clancy, from Ninja Gaiden.

You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus! But I'll tell you the worst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab-orst part ab- (system error box pops up) —Zero Punctuation, on S. T. A. L. K. E. R.: Clear Sky

Wolverine: Never thought I would see you guys throw in with a guy like Doom. The Thing: Oh yeah? Was that Magneto I saw sitting at the conference table? Wolverine: Okay, well, if you want to get technical... —X-Men

I doubt [Haruhi] even knows where Honduras is. Let's see, somewhere below Mexico, right? —Kyon, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

Those guys ripped off what we rightfully stole! —Hamilton Holt, The 39 Clues

Kermit: And we promise we won't stoop to cheap 3D tricks. Fozzie: Did someone say cheap 3D tricks?! (blows a party favor at the camera) —Muppet*Vision 3D

Beavis: School sucks. Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, you little pain-in-the-ass! —Beavis and Butthead, Speech Therapy

Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity! I have to go steal a Get Well card from a kidney patient! —Frasier Crane, Frasier

Clair: I've never seen [Rudy] so bossy! Cliff: She is kind of pushy. Clair: Well I don't like it. Call her in here! —The Cosby Show

I had an English teacher who described true perversion as knowing something is wrong in some way and then indulging in it anyway, because of its wrongness. He now is the author of a book that gender bent Percy Bysshe Shelley into a modern teenage girl. —A fan comment on El Goonish Shive board.

Only a real asshole quotes himself. —Hal Sparks (via @HalSparks, from halsparks.com)

Remember! Football develops initiative, leadership, and individuality! Now go out there and do exactly as I told you! —Archie Andrews, coaching a girls' football team in Archie, October 12, 1946

I am a woman of science. At least that's what my horoscope said. —Stacy Hirano, Phineas and Ferb

Then she wondered that a heathen should speak thus: yet she is a woman honoured among these men, and openly professes that she hath no profession of faith in her mouth. —Shafiz Ullah Khan, describing British politicicians in One View of the Question by Rudyard Kipling.

I'll judge you all and make damn sure that no one judges me! —Jethro Tull, "Thick as a Brick"

Hey, I'm upset about it too, but let's watch the fucking language —Dirk's Auto-Responder, Homestuck

"Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Unless they're Crocs, then fuck that guy." —Facebook post from 2012, via Know Your Meme

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