Pretty much every episode of Red vs. Bluehasis a Crowning Moment of Funny. These are the best ones.
The Blood Gulch Chronicles
In the Relocated commentary Burnie Burns stated flat-out that if a joke is funny enough, the continuity gets temporarily suspended so it can be used, in the particular case the "Sister falling through the ice" joke.
The iconic Warthog/Puma exchange from Episode 2, but also Sarge's casual threats to kill Grif:
Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep! Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
The best part of that bit is how willing Simmons is to comply:
Simmons: "Oh, I'll do it, Grif!"
There's also Sarge's extremely sarcastic confirming of Grif's questioning that the war is over.
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor! I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
"Oh, no!I'm the team-killing fucktard!" "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"
"I can't believe Church shot me." "Oh, don't even START, Caboose!"
And right before that:
Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt. Church:... I see...
(Aim somewhere off-screen, and shoot) Caboose: Oww! My foot! Church: Well, looks like Caboose just hurt himself! Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc. Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely...
"I just wanted you to know. I always hated you. I always hated you the most." "I know. Now shut up and die, you prick."
From Episode 10:
Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up behind him, pulled Jimmy's skull out of his head and beat him to death with it. Tucker: Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with his own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible. Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming. Jimmy: (While Tex is melee attacking him with the Oddball)This doesn't seem physically possible!
Church: Alright, you! Doc! Get over there and help Caboose! Doc: My name isn't Doc. It's Dufresne. Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that. So from now on, it's Doc. Doc: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.
Tucker: What's the difference?
Doc: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic makes them more comfortable... While they die.
Tucker: Mental note: Don't ever get shot.
From Episode 78, Church calls dibs on a spaceship:
Grif: You can't call dibs on a spaceship. That's ridiculous. Church: Yes I can. Dibs. See, I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my spaceship, tomato can. Simmons: Don't call me tomato can. Grif: Try and take it then.
Grif: And I'm not asking, and he's not telling, but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo! Simmons:Too soon! Grif: Hey now!
EVERYTHING in Episode 28.5, "The Last Episode Ever".
Grif: But how'd you get out of there?! I tied you up and pored concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned into a zombie! Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon. Grif: NO! Sarge: That's right! I ate my way out! The soft earth was like a delicious butterstotch brownie to me!
"Operation Circle of Confusion":
Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion. Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here. Church: What? Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note. Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!
The "Insert Quarter" alternate ending to Episode 100, which reveals the entire series was a game of Halo 2:
Grif: What the fuck was that? Simmons: That was the weirdest match I've ever played... Church: Dude, that sucked. I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds! Caboose: Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming into the mic. Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW! Church: Dude, shut up! Caboose: See? Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW! Church: Alright, that's it, I'm muting him. Sarge: Alright, let's play another. Donut: Dude, I am not wearing that armor again. Sarge: Same teams? Church:Yeah, same teams, new map.
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! Doc: Oooh, language!
The episode where Tucker and Caboose go on a quest with the alien, but before they do, they find out Tex has been looking at the alien's genitals...
Caboose: You told me that was another arm! Andy: Hey, Caboose! High Five! Caboose: I don't want to do that anymore...
Don't forget Church's pregnant guy rant:
Church: Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now! Beat Grif: ...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy? Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible. Andy: Yeah. Unless the alien impregnated him. They infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Church: WHAT?! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?! Andy: Er uh, I mean uh... alien baby?! That's shocking! I am shocked.
Episode 74, "Right to Remain Silenced". After Simmons returns to the Red Team, Sarge insists on having a trial to determine what his fate for insubordination and treason should be:
Simmons: We don't even have a judge! Sarge: Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years. Grif: What level? Municipal? Federal?! Sarge: Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason -- or best in breed!
Later on:
Grif: Look it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial. Sarge: I'm listening. Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts. Simmons: Ugh. Officer Hotpants. Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party. Simmons: (scene switches to Halo 2 engine) Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it. Grif:Why does the cake smell like baby oil? OH GOD, WHERE'S DONUT?!
Church and Caboose's "reunion." Complete with sniper rifle.
Caboose: (while Church shoots at him... and misses) I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me?! Church: Fuck, I missed him! Caboose: I know you did!
Washington: That, was the worst throw ever...of all time. Caboose: Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way.
In Episode 15, when Wash has Church posing as a prisoner. Wash quickly kills one guard, while Church empties an entire clip at a guy from about 2 feet away and misses every shot.
Church: Hey could you give me a hand here, I'm out of bullets.
Washington: EMP?! You have got to be fucking kidding m--
What? No mention of Church's "Man Cannon" ride?
Washington: What part of 'quietly!' What part of 'quiet' don't you understand? Church: What part?! How about the part when I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air by the GODDAMNED THROWING THING?!
The conversation that happens when Washington reveals his history with A Is.
Caboose: We have a lot in common Agent Washington. Washington: No we don't. Beat Washington: And don't ever say that again.
In Episode 6, when Washington, Caboose and Church chase after South Dakota as they all fight off the Meta, check out Church's plan to get her.
Church: Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her. Caboose: Okay! (fires in Dakota's direction and shoots her down) Caboose: Uhm... she got in the way when I was trying to help her. Church: Okay, we're good!
Washington: I'm not insane. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body.
Which leads to a funny backround event of Washington disposing the body. By shooting it several times with a rifle, throwing a grenade on it, burning it with a flame thrower, loading several explosives on it and detonating the explosives.
In Episode 7, it is revealed that central command has a keyboard shortcut for reporting Caboose's team kills.
In chapter 7 along with Awesome Music, is that when the second team (Sarge, Caboose and Grif) are dispatched to Tucker location, they start the Warthog... and then they drive to the lake. One panel later they appear in the next beach preceding by the "Jaime y Los Chamacos- Los Dos Laredos/Acordeones" since season 1.
"I am not a thing! My name is Leonard Church, and YOU WILL FEAR MY LASERFACE!" Which doubled up as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
Donut is inspecting the currently empty Blue Base when the Meta shows up. Donut, having missed out on the previous season's fun, simply thinks he's a new recruit and starts to introduce himself. Simmons comes looking for him...
Donut: Hey! Yeah, Simmons! I’m inside the Blue Base! Guess what? Blue Team got a new soldier! Simmons: [from outside] What? They sent another team member? Why would they do that? [entering the base] That doesn’t make any se-OH FUCK. Welcometotheneighborhoodseeyoulater!
Sarge's eulogy for Caboose in Episode 9 (With "Taps" playing in the background).
Sarge: Dear Lord, we thank you for taking another Blue back to Heaven today, or rather not to Heaven. To whatever fiery pit you send Blues to, so they can suffer in eternity. You could've taken Grif. But you didn't. Again. Not sure why--it would've been easy! Those mine things are everywhere! But I guess you know what you're doing... Caboose: ( finally falls out of the sky after having been launched into the air last episode) air...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (THUD!) Wow! Now that was a big explosion!
Grif: Blue guy's back!
Caboose: I was really high. Did anyone get a picture?
Sarge: And now you brought him back. And Grif's still here! I hate to criticize but you could've just had him land on Grif and squash him. That would've been easy! Just a note; you can take it or leave it. Like I said not really my place to criticize. Okay the end amen.
C.T.: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
The fact that, in a deleted scene, not only does Epsilon!Church have Two Girls One Cup in his memory, but the fact that Caboose's grandmother was apparently part of it, and that TUCKER HAS SEEN BETTER. Although those may count more as Squick than funny.
Revelation
In Episode 2, one of the most outstanding is Sarge's increasingly outlandish reasoning for how he knows what's happened at Valhalla. All of which is true.
Episode 4, with Simmons picking up part of the hog as a weapon
This scene from '"Revelation is what got this troper interested in the series:
Doc: (after the Meta suddenly slows down while trying to punch Doc) Am I dead? Am I dead? Simmons: Doc, you did it! Doc: (looks at the Meta, whose fist is still slowly traveling towards Doc, and continues to do so throughout the rest of this conversation) He's frozen!
Simmons: It looks like you overloaded his time-distortion unit. It looks like you caused some kind of inversion. Instead of making everything else slow, it made him slow!
Doc: Alright! Score one for the pacifists! How do you like me now, Meta!
Simmons: Um, Doc, I wouldn't get to close to him if I were you.
Doc: Why? What's he gonna do? Beat me up over the course of the next two weeks?
Simmons: Well, technically he's not actually moving slower. He's moving at the same speed, just over a longer period of time.
Doc: Huh?
Simmons: It's relative distance. His fist is still moving at the same velocity, we're just viewing it at a faster timeframe. Therefore, it looks slowed down, but theoretically, it should carry the same force.
Doc: (looks at the Meta again) Nah, see, he's moving slower!
(camera zooms in on the Meta's fist, which lightly taps against Doc's helmet)
Doc: Woaaauugh! (goes flying into Blue Base's walls, and gets stuck there)
Simmons: See? That's what you get for arguing with science.
In Episode 5, when Grif and Simmons have to hide Epsilon quickly:
Grif: Uh... (looks at Epsilon, who is immobile on the sand) Epsilon: Don't do it, you fuckEEEEEEEEEER... (Goes flying into the distance as Grif punts him)
A moment for episode nine has three members of the red team coming into the abandoned base. They had decided to give themselves names based off of the states of the USA, like the Freelancers, in order to trick the computer that watched the door. Things didn't go quite as planned.
Grif: I told you guys that stupid plan wouldn't work. Simmons: That's because you said your name was agent Pluto! Sarge: Luckily, we had a contingency plan to fall back on. Grif: Sarge, shotgun to the face is not a contingency plan. I keep telling you that. Shiela: (broken and riddled with bullet holes) Hello, this is a private facility. Hello, this is a private facility. Sarge: Don't be so quick to judge, Grif. Shotgun to the face can be a plan in a variety of situations. For instance, (points gun at Grif) watch how quickly is cures insubordination!
Episode 10: The episode opens with some Reds and Blues running in abject fear, as Tex is on the warpath.
F.I.L.S.S.: Alarm! Security breach--level Alpha! All personnel report for duty! This is not a drill! (Simmons, Grif and Sarge run through, with Sarge laying cover fire with a shotgun) Simmons: RUN! Grif: Oh, crap! Where is she?! Simmons: I don't wanna die!
Really the entirety of Episode 10 is this and a Crowning Moment of Awesome as Tex just lays a complete smackdown against everyone without breaking a sweat. You will be laughing your ass off.
(after waylaying Grif, Tex, who is now standing above him, points Grif's shotgun at him) Simmons: Oh, no! Grif! Grif: Yikes! (Tex pulls the trigger...and finds out it's out of ammo)
Sarge: (as Tex repeatedly pulls the trigger) Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself! You've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility!
Grif: Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness saved my--
(Tex steps on Grif, then grabs the barrel of the gun and winds up like a golf club, aiming right at Grif's nuts)
Grif: (cowering, holding up a traffic cone) Protect me, cone!
[WHAP!]
(Grif gets knocked into Simmons, bowling him and a teleportation gate over)
Simmons: Watch it!
Grif: You watch it!
Sarge: You idiots! Let me show you how it's done--(eats a left hook from Tex)--ugh!
Simmons: Nice demonstration, Sarge.
Sarge: Ah, shut up.
"I feel defeated! Yet inexplicably rejuvenated!" Said by Sarge while covered in med-kits.
The amount of shots to the nuts that Grif took would be enough to render the man sterile.
Trying to drop a massive shipping crate on Tex:
Tucker: (as the crate lands) I can't believed that worked! (Close-up reveals the ground caved beneath Tex, who is now holding the crate up) Tucker: Oh, fuck! That didn't work! F.I.L.S.S.: (to Caboose)I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a Badass.
The climax of the episode:
Sarge: (as Tex turns and runs) You're all clear, Simmons! Now shoot her! Simmons: Fire in the hole! (fires rocket launcher) (Tex runs with the rocket right on her tail...then jumps into a portal, comes out another one lying on the ground, and runs towards Simmons and company with the rocket still chasing her) Tucker: Are you fucking kidding me?!RUN!
(Sarge, Simmons and Tucker try to run, but bump into one another and get nowhere. Tex then runs up to them, leveling all three with a single clothesline without breaking stride; when she sees Grif, she baseball-slides between his legs.)
Grif: (seeing the rocket still chasing Tex) Oh god...(covers his crotch) not like this!
(The rocket flies harmlessly between his legs.)
Grif: Oh thank God...I thought I was--
(He turns around to see Tex dive into a portal, while said rocket impacts the pile of med-kits and oil barrels from earlier)
Grif: fuuuuuuuuuucked!
Most memorable, and hilarious, would be what happens at the end. After Tex sends the Reds and Blues flying with a huge explosion (where Grif flies the highest due to the involvement of an oil drum), she starts nudging a concrete divider a few inches using her foot, stands back to survey her work... and then Grif lands on the divider nuts-first.
Grif: Why won't you just kill me?!
How about the immortal "I can't tell you two apart!" "Shoot the one who's winning, dumbass!"?
Episode 11: "Yes! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl!"
"I did it! I...not my fault! Not my fault! I did not do this! The computer made me touch it!"
The whole dialogue between Grif and Simmons at the end of Episode 15, where they discuss upgrading Armor. Specifically, Grif wants Simmons to hook up an invisibility attachment so that he could nap whenever he wanted.
Grif: I would be completely unstoppable. Simmons: Actually, you would be the exact opposite of that. Grif: Totally stoppable. Already stopped.
And then what happens afterwards... Simmons accidentally gives him a super-speed attachment.
Episode 18: Doc is not overthinking it. Also has a few touches of awesome.
Washington: ...I'd say the cavalry's arrived, but the I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battlefield from outer space before. Church: Uh, is it possible for a fragment of an Artificial Intelligence encased in a robotic body to piss its pants? 'Cause I think I just did.
Caboose's increasingly futile attempts to keep the Reds from gaining access to the door at the Freelancer outpost in Episode 9. When the door starts getting dented from the inside, Caboose just slowly walks away, head down, endlessly muttering "excuse me", "pardon me" and "coming through" until he walks down the hall and out of sight.
Season 9
Starts off strong with one in the very first episode.
as the Reds are testing their new rocket turret...on the Blues*
Tucker: Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess. Caboose: I dunno, I think Church was right. I think I just torqued in my pants.
And again in episode one, when Tucker and Caboose realize that Donut isn't a girl despite his pink armor.
Church: Was that Donut? Tucker: I don't know. That's the chick who was working on the Jeep. Church: He's not a girl, Tucker, he just wears pink armor. It's a guy. Tucker: It is? Are you sure? Church: Yes, I'm sure. Tucker: Uh... Then I suddenly feel pretty awkward about something I did twenty minutes ago.
Caboose: During alone time.
Church: What the hell is alone time?
Tucker: Hey. It's one of the rules of the cliff, dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.
Episode 2 has North spotting two heat dots coming up behind South through his thermal scope, and South turns around, gun aimed at... a very surprised guard carrying two cups of coffee.
The way Episode 2 ends is particularly amusing in the very non-professional way North and South are ordered to stand down.
Insurrectionist ODST: Attention assholes! Stand down, you're surrounded! Give us the data file now! You will be taken into custody! We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. There is no escape, so give us the damn data file!
"That is the rifle I sleep with every night."
Episode 4 has a few, but in the Freelancer section we have this:
479'er: Things are about to get- Carolina: Bumpy? 479'er: Yeah, bumpy. I was gonna say "crashy" but that works too.
Grif suddenly has a cleaning tick. It's just so plain wrong, it's funny.
Church: Grif isn't tidy at all, he's filthy! Simmons: He is going to wash his hands for a week if he hears you say that.
"Donut, don't track mud in here, you know better!!"
I think Episode 7 should be watched. Any description would ruin it.
Well, the last half, anyway. Suffice to say, Tucker gives Church tips on how to attract women. With Caboose standing in for the woman.
Both teams' individual discussions in Episode 9: the Reds talking about how good Lopez is and the Blues first trying to comprehend Church's explanations YET AGAIN and then the whole grenade discussion.
Tucker: Hey, you dropped a grenade. Church: That's not one of mine. Caboose, pick that up. Caboose: I'm not allowed to carry grenades, remember? Because of that one exploding time? Which… was no one’s fault. Church: Well, I didn’t drop it! Tucker, count yours. Tucker: I have a readout on my helmet, dummy, I don't need to count. Church: Oh, right. Well, it has to be somebody's. Beat Tucker: ...somebody threw a grenade at us, didn't they? Church: Yeah, we probably should've figured that out sooner. (it explodes)
EverythingAgentYork says in episode 10. It has to be seen to be believed.
And to accompany that, Wyoming's performance is just pitiful. Count how many times he gets nailed, and how many times he manages to get a hit in. That's a pretty steep ratio.
When the flashbang grenade blinds the Blues in episode 11.
Simmons: I never imagined that my death could somehow be worse than my life, but here it is. Bitchin'
And before that, when Tex shot Lopez, who everyone thought was Simmons.
Donut: "We had so much left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes and dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this?! We could've talked! You could've told me what was wrong! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Tex: "Uh, maybe I'll let that one live... It might demoralize the rest of them."
Tucker: "... Good idea."
Tex: "C'mon, let's pack it in."
Tucket: "Does anyone feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really, really dirty?"
York seems to be getting a lot of these:
York:(while hacking a door) "Man, whoever designed this lock is a genius. -alarm goes off- Carolina: "You were saying?" York: "Okay, I take that back. Whoever designed this lock is an asshole."
Wash saying his Catch Phrase in reaction to the bouncy gun. And then getting tackled before he can finish
Wash: "What the hell? It bounces? Who designs a gun that bounces? This is the worst gun ever. Of all -oomph!"
What makes that scene even better is that you have the badass action music in the background and Shark Face preparing to fight Carolina and Wash. Then the camera cuts to Wash saying the above quote, and the music abruptly cuts off at the same time.
Hell, everything Wash says during Episode 15 is a Funny Moment.
During an awesome freefall battle, after a jetpack-equipped Tex has just knocked him and the package into the Pelican
As the Awesome Music starts up during the introduction to Season 10 as the Director is having F.I.L.I.S. drill a hole through an Insurrectionist ship with her Wave Motion Gun... with York still in there, York has this to say to Delta:
Church's Tranquil Fury at finding out that Blue Team's given Wash his clothes, his identity, and has been throwing Wash birthday parties using his name. Ouch.
Caboose: I wouldn't really use the word "replace"... but there's no word for "take over for you and make everything better almost immediately", so we just say "replace".
Also, almost immediately after:
Church: I think I just got dumped by Caboose! This is un-fucking-believable! Caboose: Yeah, it's not me. It's you.
The end of the "Real Life vs. The Internet" PSA, where they come to politics:
--REAL LIFE-- Church: Look, that's just the way I feel about it. Sarge: Well I disagree, but I respect your opinion. --INTERNET-- Church: You deserve to DIE! Die and go to hell and be burned! Sarge: Oh, yeah?! Well, I hope you get raped! Twice! Maybe then you feel different! Jerk! Grif: We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to WANT to find them! That's the way it works! Simmons: I VOTED FOR NADER! I HATE EVERYBODY! Doc: Would you like to change your home page to moveon.org? Donut: Politics make me soooo horny! Check out my webcam picks at presidentialsluts.com!
Simmons: Pardon me, my friend, but I am Nigirean Roylty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact that I can’t spell "Nigerian." Or "royalty."
Doc: Would you like to refinance your home? Mortgage rates have never been lower!
Grif: Hey, Church! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They’re hopped up on herbal Viagra and waiting for you!
Sarge: WOULD YOU LIKE A BIGGER PENIS?! WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I COULD SUGGEST SOME PLACES!
Doc: You could put it in escrow!
Earlier in the vid is Gustavo Sorola's (Simmons' VA) favorite quote of the series:
Simmons: I hate you! And I hate the bands you like!
The "Game On" PSA. "Can we stop that fucking horn already!"
Everyone was busy during the "Columbus Day" PSA... so they let Caboose host it. Epic Hilarity Ensues.
The Valentine's Day PSA. Caboose mourns over celebrating without Church and remembers their "tradition".
Caboose: Hey Church! Happy Valentine-- Church: Get the fuck away from me.
Outtakes from Reconstruction. Notable moments are "AUTOBOTS, TRANSFORM!" (followed by his absurdly deep "OH MY GOD"), Scottish!Wash, and the Meta teabagging.
Church: Sergeant Johnson is as tough as they come. They say he's a strong as an ox, and as agile as... a... smaller ox. Sarge: What? Church: He moves like a whisper, that you only say to the wind at midnight. Simmons: Why would you do that? That doesn't make any sense. Church: He's as cunning as a fox, taking a... pottery class at a... Ivy League university... that accepts foxes! Grif: Wow. You're not very good at analogies, are you?
From the Sixth Anniversary PSA:
Sarge: Why are you still in character? Lopez: Don't Fuck with my Method.
"You may be asking yourself: what is fire? If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You'll probably ask things like 'What am the sky?' and 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, you dumbass."
In their Olympics PSA, Sarge gets the idea to give medals of enriched uranium to the losers.
Church: That was a sniper kill, I usedthe sniper rifle. Church:(after a highly successful ordinance blast) Hey Tucker, look how many guys I killed with the sniper rifle!
