Hamish X

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The Hamish X book series is a trilogy of novels written by Canadian stand-up comedian Sean Cullen.

The titular character is a Hollywood Cyborg (or Ridiculously Human Robot, depending on your interpretation) orphan with Eyes of Gold who was modified by a The Men in Black-like organization called the Orphan Disposal Agency, or ODA. Of course, he goes on to become their worst enemy when he realizes he's being manipulated.

The series is surprisingly deep and detailed but also manages to be hilarious; it uses footnotes containing comedic (and often completely made up) definitions and explanations of various events as they progress.

Needs More Love. Big time.

For another series by the same author, written after this one was completed, see Chronicles of the Misplaced Prince.

This Series Contains Examples Of:

• A Child Shall Lead Them - King Liam (and all of the previous children in his position).
• Action Girl - Cara, and Mimi to some extent (though she's more of a Tomboy).
• A Lost World Beneath the Earth - The Hollow Mountain mentioned in the second book's title.
• Atlantis - One of the main locations of the third installment, complete with Lost Technology.
• Bedouin Rescue Service - Literally.
• Beware the Nice Ones - Mrs. Guardian. Unusually for this trope, she's actually evil.
• Big Bad - The ODA, even though it's an entire organization, technically has a leader - the superadvanced AI known only as "Mother".
• Blessed Are the Cheesemakers
• Convenient Coma
• Cursed With Awesome - Hamish X, who, of course, just wants to be normal and, to some extent, Become a Real Boy.
• Dark and Troubled Past - Hamish X, complete with many a Flashback Nightmare and a healthy dose of Laser-Guided Amnesia.
• Ensemble Darkhorse - Viggo Schmatz, the 'cheese master' who uses orphan labourers to do his bidding in the first book, before being, unfortunately, Put On a Bus. Made doubly unfortunate by the fact that his character was developed a lot while he was there.
• Eyes of Gold - Hamish X, the ODA agents.
• Fighting From the Inside - Aidan, after being turned into Mr Crisp.
• Fluffy the Terrible - Every member, or 'Grey Agent' of the ODA has a name related to deserts or confections, possibly to hide their sinister motives (though it is never blatantly explained).
• Funetik Aksent- Mimi
• Goggles Do Something Unusual
  • In fact, the goggles that the Grey Agents wear do so many things that it blows Goggles Do Nothing out of the water.
• Heel Face Turn - Mr. Kipling in the first book. Not a spoiler, since you can kinda tell the second he shows up.
• Hive Mind - George, the Master Computer that keeps the Hollow Mountain under control, is physically manifested as a Hive Mind made up of talking, mechanical raccoons.
• Human Resources - A la The Matrix...
• If My Calculations Are Correct - Parveen, the Smart Guy + Gadgeteer Genius main character, is constantly spouting things like this.
• Laser-Guided Amnesia - The ODA has wiped Hamish X's memory multiple times.
• Lemony Narrator (though he only speaks in footnotes and introductions, he's constantly making odd statements and breaking the Fourth Wall)
• The Load - Maggie and Thomas from the third book. Were they really necessary?
• Mama Bear - Mrs. Francis, the child-loving domestic. She even attempts to fight sometimes.
• The Men in Black - The Gray agents of the ODA
• Mood Whiplash - The third book, in contrast to the previous two, is almost entirely dramatic and much less comedic. Of course, if we work in reverse, the first book whiplashes into the second - as the first book was almost entirely humor in comparison.
• Naive Newcomer - Xnasha, an Atlantean who acts as a quite literal Fish Out of Water. She first appears at the beginning of the third book, is a very important Sixth Ranger for the book's duration...and is then quickly Killed Off for Real at the end.
• Narm - A few scenes that are assumedly serious become narmish due to lack of punctuation. Since when does a yell of excruciating pain not warrant an exclamation point? Fortunately, this is one of the only errors of this type for the duration of the entire series.
• Nightmare Fuel - In-story: everything the ODA does. It's not so bad for the reader, though.
  • The illustration of Teddy was pretty effed-up.
• Non-Human Sidekick - George, who is also technically a Robot Buddy. Compare with Sugar Cheero of the ODA.
• Obviously Evil - They call themselves the ORPHAN DISPOSAL AGENCY. If that's not obvious, what is?
• Orphanage of Fear - Viggo's cheese factory.
• Orphan's Plot Trinket - Hamish's treasured book, Great Plumbers and Their Exploits. It was printed by the ODA as part of their plan to control him.
• Parental Abandonment
• Power Glows, including...
  • Battle Aura, which is also blue.
  • Sickly Green Glow The ODA's mini-portals and their massive gate to bring about the Endofthe World As We Know It.
• Running Gag - Arctic foxes are a running gag in the first book. Similarly, anyone who mentions the King of Switzerland (who is in fact the ruler of the Hollow Mountain, which is located in Switzerland - not the country itself) can expect to get the reply "Switzerland is a republic!" People in the series also have a tendency to confuse zeppelins for blimps, which is usually corrected by either Parveen or the narrator.
• Screw Destiny - Hamish X was modified to bring about the Endofthe World As We Know It. To that he says no way.
• Serious Business - In this book's universe, cheesemaking is this, of all things. It's serious enough for there to be a virtual cheese-royalty as well as Pirates who only steal cheese.
• Shout Out - In the third book, we meet a smuggler named Georgio Stroumboulopoulis. You have to watch a lot of CBC to get it.
• Stuff Blowing Up - Exploooooooosiiiioooons! Plenty of them.
• Stun Guns
• Super Speed - One of Hamish X's many powers.
• The Virus and/or Demonic Invaders - The ODA's Grey Agents are actually captured orphans with their bodies taken over by creatures from another plane of existence.
• Those Two Bad Guys - Mr. Candy and Mr. Sweet, the two main ODA agents.
• Three Amigos - The three main characters: Hamish X, Parveen, and Mimi.
• The Short Guy With Glasses - Parveen
• Trademark Favorite Food - Hamish X seems to have a thing for toast. He requests it to be made by George in the second novel, and in the third...let's just say "What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?"?
  • In addition to the above, there are several other examples: the Cheese Pirates (as well as the cheesemakers) have an obsession with cheese; the ODA Agents seem to enjoy having both honey and sugar in their tea, implying that they like things that taste sweet.
  • And Parveen loves porridge, which seems to fit his role as The Stoic.
• Uncanny Valley - The ODA. Just...the ODA.
• Virtual Ghost - King Liam.
• We Can Rebuild Him - Hamish X, who was actually the victim of a staged killing by the ODA, drowned, and then brought back to life as a cyborg. Yes, these books are meant for children. Yes, they're that awesome.
• Weird Trade Union - The narrator belongs to the Guild of Narrators.
• What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome? - If you never thought cheesemaking could be epic, this'll change your mind.
  • As well as a perfectly ordinary game of one-on-one basketball beetween two children...one of which is a superpowered cyborg, the other given similar powers by his own Powered Armour. Cha.
  • Not allowing the heroes to top them, the ODA also manage to break out this trope - Humongous Mecha teddy bears of death? Exploding teapots that actually cause a main character to be Killed Off for Real? Check and check.
• Where Are They Now? Epilogue - The final chapter.
• Wrench Wench - Parveen's sister, Noor.