Whose Line Is It Anyway?/Quotes

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Quotes from the highly quotable Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

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UK side

Welcome To Whose Line Is It Anyway?...

Clive: "...where we make things up as we go along, whether they make sense or badger."

(taking suggestions)

Clive: "...I think I heard a cry of "masturbation" back there, but I'm afraid you're on your own on that one..."

Clive: "...Somebody always sugggests 'Swedish porn'!... Is it the same someone who comes every week... so to speak?"

Clive: "Constipatedly? Is that a suggestion or a cry for help?"

Clive: "'Biblical comedy'? What, like 'on the third day He fell over'...?"

Clive: We need a suggestion for a superhero that Greg can be. Audience Member: Ejaculator Man! Clive: Come again?

Clive: We need a world crisis that Greg has to confront- Audience Member: English Television!

Audience Member: Apocalypse Now! Clive: Yes, sir, coming right up.

Authors

Josie: "I've chosen Louisa M Alcott; for those of you who don't know, she wrote Little Women, Little Men and Little Wives." Clive: "Yes... and little else..."

Film, TV, and Theater Styles

Scene: a man is talking to his builder Paul: I'd like to lodge a complaint... Tony: It's the plumbing, isn't it? Paul: It's the plumbing, the floorboards - rather the lack of them, there's no roof, no walls, it's just a building site with a card with Your House written on it... Clive: (buzzes) Let's do Greek Tragedy. Tony: The problem is that the builder has been murdered, Off-stage! (laughter) Paul: Not Stavrost, surely! Tony: No, Escalus, with a knife, dripping in the Mediterranean sun, he plastered his bricks and died. Paul: That's rather unlucky in Peckham isn't it?

Scene: Colin and Ryan are explorers in the Amazon Ryan: Y'know, the hippos around here are quite fierce too - you wouldn't think of them as meat animals, but they can rip a man apart. Colin: What about a woman? Ryan: ...Well, a woman can rip a man apart too, but...

World's Worst

(...Television Program) Mike: (steps up) "It's the OJ Simpson trial, year 22..." (buzzed) Tony: (steps up) "Oh look, it's that tv show where Clive patronises people from all over the world..." (buzzed) Clive: "Leave Clive James out of this..." Tony: (steps up) "No, I meant Clive Anderson." (buzzed harder) Mike: (steps up) "It's the OJ Simpson trial... Hey he's being represented by Clive Anderson! HA!" (buzzed)

Scenes From A Hat

Clive: (reads suggestion) "Houseflies, on a date." Ryan: (to his 'date') "Care for any more... turd?" Clive: (reads another) "Bringing bad news to the king." Chip: "My lord... the flies have eaten all your turd..."

Clive: (reads) "Unlikely erogenous zones." Tony: (to Josie) "Algeria."

Clive: (reads) "Those three little words." Rory: (as Prince Charles) "Camilla Parker-Bowles."

Hoedown

Colin: "I like wearing pants that are really really tight I wear them in the day and I wear them in the night Now some people think they affect my circulation But I..." (passes out on the floor)

Colin: "Come on over to Canada, we've got mountains galore! We've got people who sleep soundly, you'll never hear them snore! We've got trees and planes and things and things and things and things and things, And everyone - EVERYONE - ...sings better than this."

Hats

Colin: (in a winged medieval helmet) "I will make love to you till I'm Thor" Caroline: (using the same helmet) "...well they said to try something with wings, so I did..."

Ryan (in the middle of an unrelated Running Gag, puts on a huge hat piled with fruit): I really have nothing to say...I just like wearing this.

Colin (wearing a Conehead helmet): Just use your imagination.

Party Quirks

Tony: (mimes making a phone call) "Is that Clive Anderson's Ties Company? Yes, I think you should shut down. Bye!"

Tony: (dancing wildly when the doorbell goes off) "...I wish I had a record player." (answers door)

Tony: Oh, I'm so nervous, this is my first party...now, did I forget anything? Oh, food and drink. Ah well, can't be helped. (answers door)

(Clive hits the buzzer by accident instead of the doorbell.) Paul: Excuse me, someone's at the microwave.

Home Shopping Channel

Things to sell: Somebody else's photos, an umbrella handle, and a pot of cold onion gravy Ryan: It's four o'clock and...it's time to shop! I'm Gary! Colin: And I'm Gary too! Ryan: And boy have we got some bargains for you today, so get out those cheque books and get on that phone! Colin: Hey Gary, what's that you've got in your hand? Ryan: Well I've got pictures here Gary are they...oh! I don't remember taking these pictures! Colin: Why, they seem to be pictures of someone totally someone different from you! Ryan: Well that's lucky for me 'cause every member of my family is so damn ugly that I don't want to take pictures of them, but these are beautiful pictures. (Showing photos) Look how beautiful my wife is! Colin: She's beautiful! Ryan: Look how gorgeous my kids are! Colin: They're beautiful! Ryan: This is us in Tahiti, you know where that is? Colin: ...It's beautiful! Ryan: I don't know where that it because I've never been there - Or have I?? Who knows! Colin: You can impress your friends, and... Both: More friends! More of them! Ryan: Say Gary, what's that, a pretzel? Colin: No! Ryan: What is it? Colin: Well what does it look like? Ryan: Hmm. It looks like an umbrella, but it's not all there. Colin: No it isn't. You know what, so many times pirates are going out, and they're wondering "Gee, you know those hooks are just killing me when I scratch my eyes." Ryan (waves a photo): You mean pirates like this? Colin: That's right! That's why we have these lovely new ceramic hooks, for the pirate that you love! Just attach, and then when they have an itch (scratches himself with it) No more eye patch! Ryan: Say, I wonder if pirates can cook better with that. Colin: Why of course! It's non-stick! Ryan: Do you think you could make some onion gravy? Colin: Onion gravy? That would be too much to hope for! Ryan: Hey Gary, you know where the best onion gravy I ever had was? Colin: No Gary! Ryan: Paris Gary! Never been there - Or have I?? Colin: You know what? We're having a special for this night only. For the next three hours, we're selling enough cold onion gravy - you heard me right, onion gravy and it's cold! Ryan: And if you call in less than ten minutes, (Pulls out photo) You get a picture of me with Gary's wife! (Colin grins along, then looks puzzled - he and Ryan stare at each other - Clive buzzes them out)

Props

(Mike McShane and Sandi Toksvig get a stickly toy gel-thing) Mike: (slaps the gel into Sandi's hands) "Here. If you loved me, you'd swallow it." (later) Sandi: (slap it back into Mike's hands) "I love you, I swallowed it, here's the end product."

Misc.

(Expert Translation: Paul Merton translates for Steve Steen as an Albanian expert on television) Steve: "Eehhh, westevuchie evepuvnezenya." Paul: "Good evening everyone, I am very pleased to be here in your wonderful country." Steve: "Le vouschou endezenya deneebouscheletede." Paul: "How can I best describe to you the wonder that is Albanian television." Steve: (singsong) "Ohhh vezkenyezke viekouziekezenya..." Paul: "...It's rubbish." Steve: "Da mouskenetenya dara vouzkenetnya-vezkeyotezenya eehh..." Paul: "Now when I say rubbish, let me be a bit more specific than that, it's more than rubbish..." Steve: "Vatnyenetnye." Paul: "It's crap." Steve: "Aaah! Vezhenyetnebutekanyeteva." Paul: "Oh, I can hear you throwing your arms up in amazement, surely no Albanian television isn't as bad as that..." Steve: (agitated) "Vaza histemetemutuenya bada histenya!" Paul: "Well let me tell you, we have Postman Pat on every night at half past 6 in the evening!" Steve: "Drenke drenke enke menke..." Paul: "But because of several cutbacks..." Steve: "Aaaah zkudedya!" Paul: "Postman Pat isn't even in it!" (Beat) Steve: "Voutkenalia kalivizchenyep." Paul: "But what else can I tell you..." Steve: "Oh!" Paul: "Oh." Steve: "Buskoumetnye (singsong, acting like a cowboy) Ezkevoutenya... ezkevoutebaya... (tosses and catches his gun) Hoi!... Eveskemetepai desmatyepyazey..." Paul: "...We do get quite a lot of Shirley Bassey."

(Secret: Ryan is Tonto and Colin is the Lone Ranger) Ryan: (listening to the ground) "Buffalo come..." (realisation dawns, audience is already laughing) Colin: "You didn't have you stick your ear in it, y'know..."

(Backwards Scene: Ryan and Colin are in a Wild West saloon) Ryan: (cheesy laughter) "A penguin!" Colin: (similarly) "...I give up, what?" Ryan: (beat) "What am I gonna shove up your ass if you don't get me a beer?"

Mike (about Ryan): Don't mess with the neon love chicken!

---

US side

"Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are like...

"...our border with Mexico." "...the spy satellites over Canada." "...whoever's standing behind you in a buffet line." "...everything else when you own a Porsche." Ryan: "None of us would know, Drew..." "...Blair Witch 2." Robin Williams: (runs up to the camera) "Get out, get out!" "...when I say 'I love you' when I'm drunk." Wayne: (mock anguish) "Nooo!!" "...the Alaskan wilderness to an oil company... Yeah, you heard me!" "...last names at closing time." "...a stripper's name." (Greg gets up and leaves in a mock hissyfit) "...four of the Jackson Five."

"At the end of the show, the winner gets to do a little something special with me...

"...Or is it... the loser?" "...and the loser has to mop it up." ...the loser has to lead the goat back to the yard." "...and the loser gets lipo-sucked... but we won't tell 'em where!" "...and the loser has to sew it back on." "...and the loser has to do it twice." "...and the loser has to do something special with Ryan." "...and the loser has to go back to Canada where he belongs!"

"Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, I'm Drew Carey..."

"During the break, did you talk to your daughter, did you tell her you love her? I did." "...or as Hannibal Lecter calls me, Dinner For Two." "...known in the world of dirty limericks as 'The Man From Nantucket'." "...I never touched your daughter, quit calling me." "...and I feel pretty, oh so pretty." "...knock three times on the ceiling if you want me." "For my next trick, I'll need a female audience member and twenty minutes." Colin: "Heh heh... twenty minutes!" Chip: "Heh heh... female!" " I'm Drew Carey My name is Drew, Mr. Carey if you're nasty."

Greatest Hits

Ryan: "Hi." Colin: (excited) "Hi!" Ryan: "How are you?" Colin: "Fine! W..." Ryan: "We don't know what you're watching, so we're not gonna tell you when we return you to it!" Colin: "Oh, w... We're watching animal porn!" (audience explodes , Colin realize he say something out of the blue while burying his face as then Drew buzzes as Colin takes a moment) Ryan: What? (As he began to crack up) Colin: "'Mary Had A Little Lamb' will be right back... in just a second, but ja..." (Ryan really cracks up while covering his face while Drew buzzes again, the game is practically aborted as we see Wayne, Jeff and Drew's reactions for a bit) Colin: "...I'm sorry, I apologize." Ryan: (mock-chirpy) "(We are...) so happy, 'We're Watching Animal Porn'!"

Colin: "As our regular viewers know, I'm a child of the streets..." (pause for laughter) Ryan: "You were Raised by Wolves, weren't you?" Colin: "I was Raised by Wolves... and then I was deposited in a small family of weasels, and... then after that I was with two beavers and a platypus. It was an ongoing thing." (Beat) Ryan: "Military Brat, huh?" Colin: "Yeah..."

Colin: "...and if you order RIGHT NOW..." "...we'll throw in one of Ryan's shoes, which comfortably seats 4!" "...we'll send you absolutely free, absolutely nothing!!" "...we'll send you absolutely free, the box it comes in!" "...it'll still take 4 to 6 weeks to get there." "...we'll send you —free— a box of fresh AIR!! That's right!! Air!" Ryan: "Oh we just can't give away fresh air!" Colin: "Yes we can! From the makers of Breath Free, makers of air for Eternityyyy! (starts to laugh at what the hell he just said)

Colin: "Every song a hit..." "...every hit a song!" "...every hit a smack!" "...every hit... goes into your batting average."

Ryan: "Say, Colin. What do you think of when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?" Colin: "Oh, tapioca." Ryan: (Confused) "Really? Why's that?" Colin: "Wasn't that his big hit? (Sings) Tapioooocaaaaaa!" Ryan: (Giggling) "No, Colin. I'm talking about Cu-" (Cracks up) "I'm talking about Cuba, Col-" (Laughing) Colin: "Cuba! (pause) It's a small island." Ryan: (Still trying to compose himself) "It is!...Why don't you tell the people about it?"

Ryan: "Say, Colin. What bird says the name of our next musical number?" Colin: (Confused) "A Tern? An Arctic Tern?" Ryan: (Confused) "Really? And what sound does an Arctic Tern make?" Colin: (Squaking-voice) "Backstreet Boys!" Ryan: (Cracks up). "No, Colin, that's wrong."

Colin: "Y'know, teachers are the most misunderstood of all mammals..."

A deleted scene

Ryan: We interrupt your movie, Men In Back, while we tell you about a special offer. Col? Colin: I'm kinda tired, why don't you take it? (beat) Ryan: Well, fuck you then, I will. You know, we have a lot of songs--" (Colin and Ryan head back to their seats) Drew: I don't know if anyone told you, but we have a campus minister and a 17-year-old in the audience.

Scenes From A Hat

Drew: (picking from the hat) "Entries in Drew Carey's Diary." Ryan: "Dear Diary:... Ryan looked at me the other day. (Drew starts buzzing) How I wish he would come over to my desk and then we c... (buzzing continues, Ryan leaves) (beat) Ryan: "Dear Diary:... (audience already laughing) When will people find out I'm not a man?" (buzzed out) Drew: (picks another one) "What our audience is thinking right now." Ryan: (immediately) "Wonder if that's all true?"

(From the episode with UK regular turned special guest Josie Lawrence) Drew: "Here we go. Rejected Themes For Restaurants." Wayne: (singing) "C'mon in, Howdy feller / You can catch, Salmonella / Eat it!" Josie: (overexcited) "Hello and welcome to Dead Cats, 109 recipes that you can do with your pussy!" (audience explodes, Wayne is visibly speechless while Colin and Ryan grin ear to ear) Drew: "I dunno if they told you, but in America we can only get away with that if you pronounce it puss-ay..." (more laughs all round) Josie: "I'm so sorry..." Drew: "That's all right, hey..." Ryan: "Oh don't be sorry!" Drew: "Ain't nothin' wrong with it baby!... I'm not sayin' there's somethin' wrong with it, I'm just saying you can't say it..." Ryan: (indicating the directors) "They don't like it!"

Drew: "Times You Don't Want The Spotlight On You." Kathy: "I'll just try on these bikinis in here I guess..." *wildtake* Wayne: (MANLY voice) "I'll just try on these bikinis in here I guess..." *see above*

Drew: "Annnouncements that will make this audience cheer wildly." Ryan: (with imaginary megaphone) "In ten minutes, we bring out the liquor!" Wayne: (same) "I'M the licker! Ryan: (again) "Everyone please retain your ticket stubs; we will now raffle off Drew's Porsche!"

Drew: "Giving Your Date's Parents Too Much Information." Wayne: "Don't worry, Mrs Johnson, I'll have her back by 10. I'll be finished by then." Chip: "Don't worry, Mrs Johnson, I'll have her back by 10. That's when the wife gets home..." Wayne: (accompanied by Chip) "Don't worry, Mr & Mrs Johnson, we'll have her back by 10." (cheeky grins) Chip: "Don't worry, Mrs Johnson, I'll have Mr Johnson back by 10."

Drew: "If Award Recipients Were Completely Honest In Their Acceptance Speeches." Wayne: "I'd like to thank the dark one, for making this possible..." Colin: "Man... you don't know how many (bleep) I've had my (bleep) up just to get this...!" Wayne: (self-satisfied grin) "It's been an honor working with Colin Mochrie all these years..."

Drew: "What Robin Williams is thinking right now." Robin Williams: "I have a career. What the hell am I doing?"

Drew: "Strange things to hear from a sea shell." Wayne: (Pretends to pick up a sea shell) "PUT ME DOWN!!!"

Drew: (snorts) "Drew Carey's day planner." Wayne: "Eight o'clock: Count my money! Eight-thirty: count my money! Nine o'clock..." (*buzz*)

Drew: "Difficult Questions for Mommy to Answer." Wayne: "Mommy, how come no one looks like me on Friends?" Colin: "Mommy, how come no one looks like me on Friends?" (later:) Drew: I said "Difficult Questions"... (the audience boos) Colin: I'm adorable. (the audience cheers) Ryan: You looked better before you lost your (Bleep) ...

Drew: "Visions of Hell other than fire and brimstone." Colin: "Mississippi... I'm still in Mississippi..." Wayne: "Mississippi... I'm still in Mississippi..."

Drew: "Confusing battlecries." Wayne: (girly voice) "Hurt youu!" Ryan: "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" (Wayne runs across) Colin: "Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!" (Beat) Colin: "Get my brown pants!" Wayne: "Every last one of us will defend the Alamo! Correct?... What the hell?..." (later) Drew: "Where the hell are my brown pants, I asked for 'em..."

Drew: "Famous Hollywood Roles As Played By Carol Channing." Ryan: "I know what you're thinking. 'Did I fire 7 shots or 6?' (audience laughs at mistake) Well to tell you the truth, in all this confusion I've forgotten myself. So you have to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky'? Well do ya, punk?" Robin: "Well, surely you must be the son of God!" Ryan: "I'm Spartacus! Drew: "Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell." Ryan (Still as Carol Channing): "I'm Spartacus!"

Drew: "Other people Dorothy might have met on the way to the Wizard of Oz." Ryan: "Hi, I'm Drew Carey, I need some more bald jokes for my show..." Wayne: "Hi, I'm Ryan Stiles, Drew just fired me, can I have a job?" Colin: "Hi, I'm the Teflon Eunuch..."

Drew: "Unlikely ways to impress women." (later) Colin: "I do murals with my own faeces!" (buzzed out) Drew: "Some big city mayors in this country say that's not art, well I say they're wrong! (takes next card) Bizarre ways to describe the taste of a wine." Wayne: (mimes sipping something) "This taste like a painting by Colin Mochrie!"

Drew: "Phrases you can use to describe a truck, but not your girlfriend." Greg: Wow, you can fit four in there!

Drew: "Graffiti in the Whose Line bathroom." Brad: (pretending to read) "Colin is here"?!" (looks up) Ryan: (pretends to sit on toilet, stands up, looks down, looks up again, pretends to write) "I give myself a thousand points!". (walks away, walks back, pretends to flush).

Drew: "The good news and the bad news." Brad: (to Wayne) The good news is we're going to name a disease after you. (Wayne sighs in relief until he stops in realization) Colin: (to Wayne) You're on a funny show. It's against Friends. Wayne: (to Colin) Honey, I'm pregnant! Meet the father! (Brad walks over and hugs Wayne)

Drew: "Moments when cheerleading is inappropriate." Greg: Grandpa's dead! Gimme a D! Gimme a E! Gimme a-come on! where's you're enthusiasm?! Ryan: Vasectomy! Vasectomy! Clip! Clip! Clip! Wayne: Okay! Somebody's goin' to the 'lectric chair! Gonna fry! Gonna fry! Somebody's goin' to the 'lectric chair! Gonna fry! Gonna-(pretends to be electrocuted) come on!

Drew: "Bad times to use the athletic butt slap." Chip: Your majesty... (pretends to slap) Ryan: (walking out with Colin) I'm sorry, but your husband's not going to make it. (pretends to slap Colin's butt) Wayne: (walks out with Chip, kneeling, speaking with high voice) On behalf of the entire 3rd grade class, we'd like to present you with the best teacher award. (begins slapping Chip's butt) Chip: (walks out with Wayne) How are the hemorrhoids? (slaps Wayne's butt, making Wayne scream in pain)

Drew: "Hillbilly proverbs." Wayne: (in Southern accent) A wife ain't nuthin' but just a sister that ya hug. Colin: (in Southern accent) When the going gets tough, squeal like a pig.

Drew: "Refreshingly honest statements that could earn you a black eye." Brad: (to Wayne) Honey, you don't look as fat as you did yesterday... (Wayne mimes punching him) Wayne: Drew doesn't do a damn thing. (Drew buzzes him repeatedly, in rhythm. Wayne mouths "Nothing.") Just read off the cards. Just read off the...(imitates the buzzer) That's all. (later, Wayne is about to come down but goes back onto the ledge) Drew: Go ahead. No, go ahead, please. Wayne: No, it isn't...no, no, it's okay. Drew: I insist. Wayne: (steps down) Honey, well, those jeans do make you look a little fat. See? (Drew fakes laughter) Shut up! (Drew buzzes him) Not a damn thing.

Drew: "Bad names for perfume". Wayne: (pretends to spray) I call it "Like Ass". Ryan: You know you're getting lucky when you're wearing "Eau de Pork"... Colin: "Nice Pants", the smell of corduroy.

Drew: "Bad songs to sing in prison". Wayne: Now who's the slightly effeminate one? That's me! That's me! Brad: Who dropped the soap? Who dropped the soap?... Ryan: Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall! The hole in the wall, the hole in... Colin: With the wig, you remind me of Julia...

Drew: "Pull the string on the Drew Carey doll and it says..." Ryan: (pretending to pull string on doll) "Lower..." Greg: "Mimi and I are the same person!"

Drew: "The title of Drew Carey's second book." Wayne: (pretending to hold book) Hmm, "My Life of Leisure: Behind the Desk"... Colin: (pretending to hold book) "The Difference Between Continents and Countries".

Drew: "Nightly bedside prayers of Whose Line cast members." Wayne: Please, Lord. Don't let the Mr. Drew come in my window. Brad: Jesus? Don't let Wayne knock over the table. Colin: Lord, please get me out of my contract that says I must shave my head so they can keep making bald jokes. Brad: Lord, please make Ryan stop wearing clown shoes. (camera cuts to Ryan's shoes, then to Ryan scratching his head with his middle finger) Wayne: Lord? Please give me ringside seats when Ryan kicks Brad's ass!

Drew: "Unlikely subjects to be the basis for a musical." Ryan: (singing) What's the matter with roadkill? What's the matter with roadkill?! Colin: (singing) How does food become poo? I'll...tell...YOU! Ryan: (singing) Why...do dogs lick themselves?

Drew: "What Lassie was really trying to tell everybody." Wayne: I gotta pee, man!

Drew: "Rejected welcome signs of US states." Wayne: (pretending to drive) Come and *hang out* in Alabama! (pretends to turn around) Ryan: (pretending to drive) Welcome to Montana. There's nobody here. Greg: (pretending to drive) Entering Ohio. Watch out for Drew! (pretends to drive over a bump) Ryan: (pretending to drive) Welcome to Hawaii. How'd you get here in a car? Colin: (pretending to drive) Entering Rhode Island. Thanks for visiting Rhode Island. Ryan: (pretending to drive) Utah welcomes you and your wives.

Drew: "If people broke into song in real life." (Ryan pretends to sit down) Ryan: (singing) Where did all the toilet paper go, the toilet paper go, the toilet paper go?...

(Wayne, Chip and Colin walk out) Wayne: (imitating elevator bell) Ding! (singing) Who did it? Who did it? Chip: (singing) Not me! (pointing at Colin) Must've been him! Colin: (singing) Guilty as charged!

Colin: (singing) I've lost my (Bleep) ...

Drew: "Pick-up lines as written by Dr. Seuss." Ryan: Come sleep with me! Come sleep with me twice! I think that would be very nice! Looky looky, at the size of my shoe! You know what they say? Yes, it is true! Brad: Are You My Mommy?

Drew: "Rejected endings to the film Titanic." Brad: I'm king of the squirrels! (pretends to act like a squirrel) (Brad and Wayne walk onstage) Wayne (holding Brad's hand): Rose, promise me that you'll... Hey, I can stand up! (Brad and Colin walk on) Brad: Welcome, Rose. My name's Gilligan. This is the professor...

Drew: "Rejected theme songs -- oh, jeez -- rejected theme songs from the movie Titanic." Brad: "I love the taste of salt water... filling my lungs." Colin: "Corpses bobbing in the sea. Ha ha ha ha, hee hee hee."

Drew: "What they really talk about in football huddles." (Wayne and Chip huddle up) Chip: (in effeminate voice) He's such a bitch, he scratched my eyes out!

Drew: "World's Dumbest Criminals caught on tape." Chip: "All right, this is a stickup! Does anybody have a gun I could use?"

Weird Newscasters

Greg: "Good evening and welcome to the evening news, I'm..." "...fun after dark." "...sick of Survivor." "...Curved Slightly." "...Wide Butnotpainful."

Colin: "Good evening and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm your anchor..." "...Thor Butnotcomplaining." "...Thor Buttockth." "...Hors You-rode-in-on." "...Keith My-pasty-white-butt." "...Yasser Yasser Threebagsfull."

Colin: "This just in - Beverly Hills, 90210... Cleveland Browns 3." (camera cuts to Drew, who nearly has a Spit Take at the joke)

Colin: "Bars across America were saddened today by the death of Dr. Joseph Lowenstein. The famous doctor who, as a sideline, would make exotic drinks from wood sap, died suddenly today. This is one patron who is really gonna miss that hickory daiquiri doc."

Colin: "Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner successfully managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion, where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, 'Well, if it was anyone else we could've gotten away from it, but unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars'. (Beat) Try saying that three times."

Colin: "Convicted hitman Jimmy "Two-Shoes" McClardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be a first known case of a knick-knack paddy wack."

Weird Superheroes

Drew: "Hey, I wonder what signal the Commissioner uses when he wants Body-Parts-Constantly-Falling-Asleep Man..."

Drew: "It's good to know that whenever we're in a time of crisis, Captain Bloodloss will be there..."

Drew: "Who knew that the world famous Captain Obvious was really mild mannered Colin Mochrie..."

World's Worst

(...Self-Help TV Program) Colin: "Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off the banana?" (laughter) "Hold the banana firmly in one hand..." (buzzed out) (Beat) Colin: "Oh, those frustrating gerbil skins!..."

(...Acceptance Speech) Ryan: "I will not accept this award until the wall that divides Berlin comes down!" (Colin runs up and whispers in his ear) "...oh. I'd like to thank my family..."]

(...Priest or Rabbi) Drew: (impersonating Jerry Lewis) Well, hi, if ya gimme the knife and the baby! I'll take the lil cut, okay!

Hats

(Greg wears a large fish head) Greg: (quietly laughing to himself, then) "I have a giant fish head on... I'm forty-two f--king years old..." (Wayne later uses the same fish head) Wayne: "I'm just looking for a nice piece of bass..."

Greg: (wearing a multi-colored afro) "Hi. I'm the guy who always sits in front of you on the bleachers..."

Greg: (in a long wig with a medieval weapon) "Gondor Needs Women!"

Greg: (in a Native American wig) "Hello, I am Hung Like Snake..."

Ryan: (wearing some kind of red horsehead) "Guess what I'm hung like..."

Ryan: (balancing an actual bunch of bananas on his head) "...Peel me." (later) Ryan: (eating one of the bananas) "I don't have anything, I'm just really hungry..." (game ends, Ryan takes banana back to his seat, still eating) Drew: "I could watch you eat that banana aaaaaaaall night..." (Ryan gets a disgusted look on his face and stops eating)

Greg: (in an alien mask that looks nothing like a Klingon) "Well, I'm a Klingon by trade..." (mild audience response) Greg: "...but when I'm not funny I sit here with this fucking thing on my head!"

Ryan: (wearing a hangman's noose) "Guess who's well hung?"

Ryan: (with a hat in his lap) "It ain't gonna be a rabbit..."

Ryan: (wearing a hat looking like a turkey) "This year, I do all the stuffing!"

Ryan: (wearing gladiator armor) "Don't worry, I brought a Trojan!"

Wayne: (wearing a tam o'shanter, speaking with a Scottish accent) "Hello. I'll let ya touch Nessie!"

Wayne: (wearing a taxi driver's cap, sighing) "Ah, that'll be $10.50... (the audience groans) For the taxi ride! You guys are horrible!"

Colin: (Wearing a scuba diver's cap) "I promise not to do it too fast. You might get the bends."

Ryan: (wearing a ball and chain on his wrist) "And this is just my ball. You should see my chain."

Wayne: (wearing a nun's habit) "Guess what? You ain't gettin' nun!"

Ryan: (wearing a bird mask) "It's time for something other than an egg to get (bleep)ed around here!"

Colin: (wearing a motor cop's helmet) "I'm Erik Estrada..."

Wayne: (holding a trumpet, imitating Louis Armstrong) "All the ladies say 'Blow, Satchmo, blow!'"

(deleted take) Ryan (wearing a plush shark that appears to be eating his scalp): "Looks like someone likes head."

Hoedown

Colin: "I am a wrestler, watch them turn me loose Over the years, I've taken lots of abuse I've broken both my knees, smashed my head on the turnbuckle Because of all my injuries I've lost the ability to rhyme."

Let's Make A Date

Wayne: (as bachelorette) "Bachelor no. 2... Disposition and personality are very important to me. Do you consider yourself congenial?" Colin: (as 'a beauty queen') "NOO! THAT'S THE MARK OF DEATH!!"

(With special guest Josie Lawrence as the bachelorette) Josie: "...and Colin is... on the casting couch...?" Drew: "Says here Colin is 'a model on her first porno shoot'..." Josie: "Well, that's... because normally I wouldn't put Colin and porno shoot in the same sentence..." (audience reacts) "Aw shush, he knows I love 'im..."

(with Greg as an "irate guest on Jerry Springer") Drew: "...ok, Wayne... who are they?" Wayne: "Well let's see. Bachelor no. 1 was a... jilted ex-boyfriend." Drew: "And where do those people usually show up?" Wayne: "...at my house?" (starts pretending to cry)

Wayne: "Bachelor no. 1?" Brad: (as a puritan witchhunter) "Yes, harlot?" Wayne: "...Now how'd you know my middle name?"

Irish Drinking Song

Wayne: One night I was getting freaky Drew: With my luh...girl Elaine (botches line) Colin: Boy, we had some fun Ryan: And then (yells gibberish at Drew) Wayne: (collapses in hysterics) Drew: (doubled over in laughter, embarrassment) Colin: Meow! (the game grinds to a halt as practically everyone cracks up; then they attempt a restart) Ryan: I lost track of the story Wayne: I don't know what has happened Drew: She wrote me a letter Colin: My underwear's a-snappin'! Ryan: I think there was a girl involved Wayne: ...That's what I'm thinkin'... Drew: ...I don't know what to say... Colin: Meow! (everyone cracks up again; only Colin is able to sing them home at the end)

All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Wayne: I took my lass on a date! Chip: We went out for the night! Colin: As we hit the parking lot! Ryan: I got into a fight! Wayne: Scuffled, he took my wallet! Chip: He ran away so fast! Colin: I started crying! Ryan: (trying to think of a line)....A stone I passed! (Due to what Ryan says, they have to chant twice as some of them crack up) All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Chip: I scream just like a lassie! Colin: I ran right after him! Ryan: I jumped into my car! Wayne: The mugger's name was Tim! Chip: I put on my siren! Colin: And it roared out loud! Ryan: He came to a stop! Wayne: And beat me in front of the crowd! All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Colin: I decided to take action! Ryan: I hit him with a club! Wayne: I hit him where the sun don't shine! Chip: He says "Hey! Watch it bub!" Colin: And then he ran away from me! Ryan: I followed him! Wayne: I became a hero! Chip: And my name is Tim! All: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di! Ryan: I still hear from him! Wayne: From often! Chip: He writes a little letter! Colin: It's as soft as cotton! Ryan: And someday I'll write back! Wayne: He's my best friend! Chip: And now we both are penpals! Colin: He put my stone back at my end! (Due to that line, everyone crack up, leaving Colin to finish the chant) Colin: Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di!Oh, i-dee, di-dee, di-dee, di-dee, Colin, Wayne and Chip: (Wayne and Chip tried to finish the chant) Di-dee, di-dee, di!

Infomercial

Colin: Hey do you have problems with snoring? Do airports complain when they hear you sleep?

Colin: Hey, do you have problems with chest hair? Does it look like your chest is... eating a dog?

Song Titles

Ryan: (points to Colin's shoes) Blue suede shoes. Colin: ...nice pants.

(deleted take) Ryan: (pointing) Itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini... Wayne: (pointing back) One-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater. Ryan: (looking at Wayne's genital area) Hair (theatre). Wayne: (pointing at Ryan's gental area) Shaft!

Misc.

(Hollywood Director; Drew starts by explaining the scene) Drew: "Kathy is an impatient customer who pulls into Ryan's gas station, where he is pumping gas; Wayne is a thief who has come to rob them..." (Kathy, to her credit, sees it coming and laughs) Wayne: "Why I gotta be the thief?" (laughter erupts) Drew: "I dunno... Maybe you should count your blessings, if this was NBC you probably wouldn't even be on this show..." (later) Colin: "CUT CUT CUT!... Do it like you're in Tarzan. (to Ryan) You're Tarzan, (to Kathy) you're Jane, (to Wayne) you're Cheetah!" Wayne: (quietly mouthing) "How come I gotta be the monkey?"

(after a game of 'Let's Make a Date') Drew: "Let's go on to a game called 'let's Make a Date'. this is for all four of you, Wayne, you're going on a dating-type show... oh." (Wayne is already on his feet when the audience erupts) Greg: "Excuse me, Captain Alzheimer? (audience explodes, Greg does a Pstandard Psychic Pstance) Greg: "Go to the third card, Drew..." Drew: (touches cuecard to head) "What is... Greg's next job."

Drew: "Let's go on to a game--I love this game, it's kinda new this year--African Chant! (Crowd laughs as Wayne mocks getting up to leave.) Drew: "Africa's a big country, right by India, Madagascar is right off..." (Greg laughs hysterically) Greg: "It's also a big continent if you're a geographer!"

(after 'African Chant' ends) Wayne: "That's gonna get me in good with all the brothers and sisters in the motherland..." Ryan: "Don't you live in Sherman Oaks?"

(after a playing of Party Quirks in which Ryan accidentally broke the light on Drew's desk with his head) Drew: Hey, it's always funny when it happens to somebody else! Wow, man, you went all out on that one. Ryan: There better be some extra points in this. Drew: I'm sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass. Ryan: Was that lit? Colin: Yeah, it was. Wouldn't it be better if your head burst into flames? Drew: How many fingers am I holding up? Ryan: Four? Drew: Ah, close enough. Ryan: How about me?

(Show-Stopping Number: Accounting Firm) Colin: Hey, buster! Hire my friend! Or I'll shove a hook right up your end! ...rurl-lurl-lurl-lurl-lurl-lurl... (shouts gibberish) Ryan: (calming him down) Hey, hey, hey! Colin: What? Ryan: What the hell happened there? Are you okay? Colin: You know, if you talk like that, it puts them off balance...