Badass Boast/Web Comics

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Tagon tells it like it is.

Examples of Badass Boasts from Web Comics include:

• Penny Arcade. "I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth."

"Will you face me? This tube goes by many names, some you are not worthy to hear. "The Waking-Dragon, coiled, as spring dawns. Hawk's-Harvest, seizing prey in the tall summer grass. Autumn-Razor, the patient hunter. Famine-of-Winter, that kills the babe at its mother's empty breast. "So, will you face me? I, who hold the very reins of the world?"

• In a VG Cats strip in which they parody "The Word" section of The Colbert Report: "We didn't spend YEARS as social outcasts to watch you assholes fuck this up. We memorized the Ultra Combos. We wrote down pages of passwords. WE defeated the Robot Masters, knocked out Tyson, and SAVED THE FUCKING PRINCESS."
• In A Miracle of Science, Benjamin delivers this boast to a difficult police sergeant: "Sergeant, I've just been to the outer solar system and back to track down a mad scientist. I've been shot at with secret weapons, destroyed robots that could take down tanks, and fallen from orbit without benefit of a re-entry vehicle. I don't need your rudeness added to my troubles, okay?" (He later shortens that last incident to "I've plunged down from orbit on wings of fire".)
• Of all people, Sylvester, self-confessed complete twit of The Mansion of E, gets one.
  • "I am more than that. I am the monster your mother told you about when the GBOLs got dim. I am human. I am the zarking EARL OF E."
• Dan and Mab's Furry Adventures, anyone?
  • Subverted here, too.
• Tales of the Questor: What triggers this boast can be seen here. "I'm the freaking Questor of Freeman Downs! I have slogged through the Dire Swamps, killed a Gragum god-priest and three of his followers single-handed, and waded thru an army of shadow wights to kill a rat-king. I also happen to be the guy who just hospitalized half you big, bad gang, jackass. I have a badge, an arsenal, and a license to kill. The only reason you're still alive is that I didn't want to mess with the paperwork. So feel free to drop by any time, dillweed. I see you, or your friends within a hundred miles of my town and I'll gut you like a trout."
  • Subverted a couple of panels later; while the threat takes, the "badass" in question requires a Vomit Discretion Shot from the stress of it, which can be seen here.
  • He does it again! With additional recap!

"You want to know who I am? I'll tell you who I am-- I'm Quentyn, son of Quinn, the Questor of Freeman Downs. The Gnomes call me "Hunter of Shadows." The Gragum call me "Little God-Slayer." The gangs of the Tumbledowns call me Sir, if they know what's good for them. I am one of Oberon's Untouched -- kissed by the White Stag and blessed by two ladies of the Seleighe Court. I have slain a Gragum priest-king and three of his followers singlehanded. I have waded through an army of shadow-wights to lay low a rat-king. I have pulled a house down around the ears of not one, but two gangs of thieves. I have slain a swamp kraken, and run before the Wild Hunt -- and won. And before I leave this duchy I will add a dead dragon to that list. I am a Rac Cona Daimh, and I am nothing to be trifled with. Do you have any other questions, Your Grace?"

• • The spin-off, Quentyn Quinn, Space Ranger. also has one: when Commander Quinn tells some space pirates why some very nasty aliens listen to the Racconans.
• Chaos of El Goonish Shive had one recently, while the left half of her body was amorphous claws and teeth, right before she leaves Magus to eternal isolation in the spirit realm:

Pandora: You've asked many time what my name is. I have had many, but I will give you the full one I have chosen for myself. Pandora. Chaos. Raven. Refer to me as one or all. I will live up to that name. Ponder that in your newfound isolation. Magus: Crazy...bitch.

• • Raven chewing the scenery and spoon-feeding it to Abe.
• Misfile: One of Rumisiel's many Crowning Moments of Awesome in this strip.
• Gunnerkrigg Court: Coyote's formal introduction.
  • Most such boasts are huge, flashy, and overt, filled with eloquent speech and burning emotion. But the truly powerful ones don't need any of that. That just makes Jones' simple statement to Coyote that "You know I can take her if I wish." all the more impressive. She calmly tells Coyote himself, in the heart of his own domain, that if she chose to act, he couldn't stop her. Jones doesn't rant or shout. She doesn't need to, which makes that line all the more badass.
• Sluggy Freelance: "My name is Gunman Stan McKurt. And I shoot evil in the face."
• The Order of the Stick: In "On the Origin of PCs", Vaarsuvius makes this when trying to convince Roy to let him/her join:

"I am capable of manipulating matter and energy on a subatomic level by speaking. A mere flick of my finger is sufficient to alter the gravitational pull of the planet. I shelve physics texts under 'Fiction' in the library, I consider the laws of thermodynamics loose guidelines at best. In short, I am grasping the reins of the universe's carriage, and every morning I wake up, look to the heavens, and shout, 'Giddy up, boy!' You many never grasp the complexities of what I do, but at least have the common courtesy to feign something other than slack-jawed oblivion in my presence. I, sir, am a wizard, and I break more natural laws before breakfast than of which you are even aware."

• • In one of the early strips, Vaarsuvius presents a similar boast to a gang of goblin mooks. However, the boast itself knocks out the mooks before s/he can back it up with actual magic.
    • Vaarsuvius has a thing for Badass Boasting in general. In fact, this has cost him valuable time on more than one occasion.
    • But the best one was a simple observation about V's neighbors in Monster Manual.
  • And there's also Belkar Bitterleaf's famous proclamation: "I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!"
  • Roy gets one of his own the first time he faces Xykon, but it doesn't quite take, because Xykon doesn't recognize his name or the death he's there to avenge.
  • In "A Brief Intermission", Popcorn taunts his foes, "We've been loved by moviegoers for over 50 years! Do you know the kind of power that has given us? We have become like unto tiny refreshing GODS!"
  • Kazumi Kato.

I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking machine! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make more in my tummy!

• • Hinjo tries to make his own here but Redcloak knock him down and proceedes with (sort of) his own.

Hinjo: I'm the commander of the Sapphire Guard and I am here to make you pay for your crimes against my city! Prepare to... (Redcloak knocks Hinjo down with a spell) Redcloak: Your city? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought somebody would have told you by now. See, this is MY city now, paladin! I figure you owe me one village plus 35 years of interest, so this is a good start!

• • Xykon has a nice habit of combining this with Hannibal Lecture and No-Holds-Barred Beatdown

Xykon, to (an invisible) Vaarsuvius: You seem to have an interest in power, so let me educate you a little while I search for you. It's sort of this thing I like to do sometimes, especially for learned wizards such as yourself. Power, it isn't something that you put on or take off like a jacket. It's something you just ARE. If you can lose it by blowing two Will saves, you never really had any power in the first place, see what I'm saying? Hell, the idiot paladin understands better than you do, 'cause he got every one of those hit points I burned off of him the hard way: he earned them. 'Course now he's also earned an upgrade to Prisoner First Class for daring to touch my pretty little bauble. It's sort of the same as how we've already been treating him, only now we get serious about it. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh, right. Your soul shenanigans are real flashy, but they had one weakness: they were shackled to your lame mid-level ass! I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I've learned a lot since then. You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh? But the type of power? Doesn't matter as much as you'd think. It turns out, everything is oddly balanced. Weird, but true. For example: ...Right now, power takes the form of a +8 racial bonus to Listen skill checks. [He grabs V by the throat] So, Uncle Xykon, what's the moral of the story? A big pile of spells isn't enough when the other guy has a big pile of spells AND the strength to crush your windpipe with his bare phalanges. And they died happily ever after. The End.

• • • In Start of Darkness, too:

Xykon, to Dorukan: Hey, you know what really gets under my skin? Proverbially, of course? A century of wizards looking down their damn noses at me. Energy Drain! I know people think I'm stupid. Because I'm not a wizard. Because I get bored easily. Because I have no interest in strategy or tactics or contingency planning. Energy Drain! But see, I've learned a lot over the years since I died. A lot more than I learned during my life. And now I see that planning doesn't matter. Strategy doesn't matter. Only two things matter: Force in as great a concentration as you can manage, and style. And in a pinch, style can slide. Energy Drain! In any battle, there's always a level of force against which no tactics can succeed. For example, all I need to do is keep smacking you with Energy Drains, and soon you won't be able to cast any of your fancy spells at all. Energy Drain! Because yes, I am a sorceror - and this magic is in my bones, not cribbed off of "Magic for Dummies." And I can keep casting the same friggin' spell at you until you roll over and die. You can have your finely-crafted watch - give me the sledgehammer to the face any day. ENERGY DRAIN! Xykon, to Redcloak: What I said there to Dourkan about overwhelming force? That's only part of Colonel Xykon's secret recipe of winning. It's not just about power, it's also about how far you're willing to debase yourself before feeling bad. And me? I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause" crap. One gets to be the butch and one gets to be the bitch. Bitch.

• • Lien:

My parents were fishermen. When I was a little girl, I stood right here and learned how to clean the fish that they caught. I'm telling you this so that you know that when I say that if you take one more step, I will gut you like the catch of the day — IT IS NOT HYPERBOLE!

• • Malack knows the value of brevity.

*after an attempt at a One-Hit Kill that didn't quite do the job* Nale: Unnnh...I'm still...alive. Malack: I'm not finished. Quickened Inflict Moderate Wounds.

• Girl Genius: Gil demonstrates the correct form here:

"Couldn't!? COULDN'T!? I am GILGAMESH WULFENBACH, little man -- and there is NOTHING I couldn't do, had I cause!"

• • Better still when he defended Mechanicsburg:

Gilgamesh: I am GILGAMESH WULFENBACH, Son of Klaus. I will say this only ONCE -- LEAVE NOW, or you will DIE.

And then he shows he wasn't bluffing.

Gilgamesh: This is not a TRICK! I did NOT get LUCKY! I am GILGAMESH WULFENBACH! And I am in control!

Gil proceeds to go 3 for 3 with this gem when he's challenged by one of his father's minions, indicating that he is TV Tropes Made of Win Archive.

Then he goes four for four when he beats the crap out of Vole, and recruits him as a minion for the sole purpose of being The Starscream just to keep himself sharp.

• • His dad gets a minor one here. "I will go by myself. Let the people see that I can"
  • Tarvek got one similar to Gil's "in control" rant recently
  • Agatha learned to do this, too, after she takes responsibility for her family's nest.

Agatha: I am Agatha Heterodyne. You are in my town. In my castle. And in my way. This little play of yours is over. [...] One way or another.

...and later, when her minions tried to keep her out of the harm's way -

Vanamonde: You've done your part! You fixed the Castle! The Doom Bell rang! At this point, what else can you do? Agatha: Wrong question. I am the Heterodyne. My town is under attack. The question is: WHAT CAN'T I DO?

• Sarda, of all people, in Eight Bit Theater:

"'Wizard'? Are you kidding me? Wizards do parlor tricks. I throttle the heavens!" "This...this isn't right...this...will not be...I am Sarda. And I am older than time. I possess a power beyond mortal imagination. My plans will not be undone by such amateur-hour horse shit as absorbing too much power and exploding. I am Sarda. My will be done."

• • Not to mention:

Black Mage: Can we have a minute? Chaos: I am the yawning chasm from before the before; the darkness after the end of all things. I am nothing and no thing is eternal. Black Mage: ...is that a yes?

• • "Yeah, I sweat wisdom for breakfast."
• The 10 Doctors: Dalek Tor is supreme.
• No Need for Bushido—Parodied:

Yorikiro: Call me Yorikiro, Master of Martial arts and wielder of a secret knowledge of fighting style so mystical and great it has no name for all those who witness is perish before they can grasp the immense power before them!!!! Ina: How about I just call you Yori? Yorikiro: That'll work.

• Last Res0rt just had a good one.

Slick: You see that? Nobody defies my orders twice! My blood runs through the cracked table! My family is why Arel's flags bear crimson hands! I have come for my freedom and nobody, mortal or otherwise, will stop me! I am Slick Mordecai Giovanni, Don of Third Jerusalem! All evidence to the contrary will be dead once I escape! And I will escape, because this... is my last resort!

• In The Adventures of Dr. McNinja, Dr. McNinja does this on his sidekick's behalf. To Dracula, no less.

Dr. McNinja: Do you think I run around with a 12-year-old boy because I like his inferior grasp of girls and higher level math? Do you think I left him with my psychotic parents because I wanted him to die? No, you undead pale ponce! Gordito is the effing Badass Kid! So go ahead and finish up your masterful scheme to make me let you kill me, because Gordito's going to slap around whatever ghost lackey you have like he was a pinata on the mexican day of the dead!

• Dominic Deegan spells it out for Celesto at the climax of the Storm of Souls story arc:

"No matter how furious or destructive a storm may be, there is always a center of peace and serenity. I am the champion of balance...the eye of the storm. "I have done battle with demons and stared into the face of hell itself. You think I'm scared of a racist bully with a crush he can't handle?"

• Shogun from Harkovast, on his own, speaking to an army of the Nameless:

"Fight me or flee; it makes no difference now. All of you are going to die!"

• In Schlock Mercenary, Kevyn Andreasyn has one that he tends to say in his head, while he is (mostly) dying. Notably it's only played (mostly) straight the first time; after that he starts rambling about how many times he's "cheated the reaper", eventually deciding to just stop keeping track. It goes a little something like this:

"I am Commander Kevyn Andreyasn. I have shaped the destinies of worlds, of nations, of galaxies. I have created and destroyed. I have followed and I have led. I have known love and it has known me back. I flirt with Death for a living and I have cheated the Reaper a lot of times."

• • Another vicarious one, played for laughs:

Ebbirnoth: I've got a spare pistol, and a robot who runs with scissors!

• • Petey has a fairly simple one, when a mob boss questions his actual power and capabilities.

Petey: If I decide to impress you, you'll have a whole new set of benchmarks for "afraid."

• • Played for Laughs,... but he did make good of his threat:

Karl Tagon: Surrender now, Damico. I have a monkey and I know how to use it.

• • And, much later in the comic's run, we get the scene which provides this page's image.
• Sister Claire gives us "I'm sorry to tell you that our name, Sisters of Mercy, is a bit misleading. God shows mercy. We don't."
• Fans had this recent bit with Rikk and Marc after Hus claimed that Rikk was beaten the last time he was in the field:

Rikk: First off, I got sucker-punched by Captain America (comics). That's like giving Michael Phelps a head start. Secondly, I've spent the last five years with two remarkable women. One of them's one of the toughest, cleverest fighters I've ever seen anywhere. The other is Rumiko Tanaka Oberf! We work hard, but we do make time for each other. And when we're not vegging or sharing a bed...we like to spar! Marc and I aren't here to impress you, Hus. We're here to bring you to justice. Marc: Bully needs a beatdown! (To Rikk) Yours was way more wootworthy. Rikk: No, you gave a good closing statement.

• From How I Killed Your Master:

Ji Jiao: Everyone knows you haven't fought in ten years. Master Fei: *after the Curb Stomp Battle* It's been ten years since anyone spoke of my fights because no one has walked away from them in that time.

• • Also, Fei quoting Liu Feng:

"I don't know what it's like to hit a man twice."

• Sidney Burns delivers one that is essentially his declaration of war in Mob Ties. While simple, when combined with the actions he is performing, it helps to establish his position as the number one badass in the Mob Ties universe.

"If any of you mob assholes even think of hurting Mika... Just remember one thing..." * crushes a steel chair with one hand* "First... You'll have to go... Through Me." * delivers a One-Hit Kill*

• • And another, which basically states what Sid's ultimate goal is from that moment in the comic onward:

For Mika, I will KILL A GOD.

• In Ls Empire, Dimentio from Super Paper Mario delivers this to his opponent right before getting beaten up off screen and then blasting them out of the building:

I am Dimentio, master of dimensions, pleaser of crowds, blaster of intro users!

• Lightbringer, Linkara's superhero webcomic, ends its first chapter with its hero taking another look at his hideously corrupted city, and declaring his new mission (to himself, mostly) as he prepares to stop yet another crime from being committed.

Lightbringer: My name is Carter Granholme. I live in Pharos City. Pharos City has been corrupted. Evil has taken hold of it. Criminals no longer fear conducting their business in the right. I will make them afraid of it again.

• Rose Lalonde does one right after the epic ending of Homestuck Act 4. Her point is helped by the fact she just tore an entire Gamefaqs walkthrough out of the Internet with a magic spell and sent it to the Furthest Ring:

I am not playing by the rules anymore. I will fly around this candy-coated rock and comb the white sand until I find answers. No one can tell me our fate can't be repaired.

• • Aradia Megido gets an extremely heartwarming one after returning from the dead.

You're done with dying.

• • From Mindfang's journal:

"Upon reflection, Redglare showed the foresight of a true seer in thieving my arm 8efore the trial. It permitted a fair fight."

• • At the end of the Doc Scratch intermission, Lord English gets one that crosses into horrifying:

DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN ESCAPE ME BEFORE I ARRIVE? HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO OUTRUN ME WHEN I AM ALREADY HERE?

• • And now we have one from Dirk, too.

Dirk: The Prince is awake. Your shit is wrecked.

• • • Bonus points for delivery: the note is stuck on a spear in the middle of a crowded square, along with his would-be assassin's head.
  • His brother, Dave, has one earlier:

TG: bow down before your new king bitch

• I am a total magical badass.
  • Also, more recently:

Sarin (to a criminal holding her friend's girlfriend hostage at gunpoint): I suggest you surrender before I embarrass you. You have my full attention. That means you're beaten.

• • During the same arc, Combat Medic Goro says, "Never underestimate a guerilla defending their turf. This is a hospital. You're in my jungle now."
• Marena, Keychain of Creation, explaining her situation to another Exalt:

"We are Exalted. I have been singled out and empowered by the gods. Specifically, by Luna. Endowed with the power to change my own form, and the responsibility to protect the entire world from its enemies. All Exalted are stronger, tougher, even smarter than any normal human. If we will it so, we do not even bleed. Even the greatest sickness gives me only chills, and the most grievous wounds are healed in mere days. Mortal men and women are bound by society, by culture, by destiny. We are not. It is not my place to follow the normal rules of conduct. It is my place to decide what is right or wrong. That has been granted to me by my goddess, Luna. The Moon. In short, in being Exalted, I have divine endorsement to do whatever I please."

• • Of course, she gave this as explanation for her homewrecking ways, so YMMV.
• Subverted in Our Little Adventure when an Elven Ranger bounty hunter named Keppra Gemflower introduces herself this way to Umbria. Umbria wins initiative in that combat, immediately casts hold person and rushes over and kills the Elf via coup de grace.
• In an Alttext from Xkcd:

"The moment their arms spun freely in our air, they were doomed - for Man has earned his right to hold this planet against all comers, by virtue of occasionally producing someone totally batshit insane."

• "(Liquid)'s my son. I eat F-16s for breakfast. Any of this getting through to you?"
• In one Skin Horse strip, Unity, chained up by a secret cult of Noraties Public, claims to "eat steel like this for breakfast". In the next strip, she meets the Abbess, and Notary Paul warns the Abess she's trouble:

Unity: Yeah, I eat little old ladies like you for breakfast! Paul: I thought you ate steel for breakfast. Unity: Oxygen tank.

• Near the climax of book 1 of Erfworld, Wanda leads her undead airforce into battle against Ansom with the following chant (if anything made somewhat more menacing by her recent trauma-induced stutter):

Wanda: Rejoice. Despair. Fate does n-not care. Each knotted mmind entwined. Each sso...soul, another's bind. And blind... though we are led, in time, we d-...do know when to cut a thread!

• "My name is Jack, and I'm going to kill everyone in this room."
• Goblins gives one to Dies Horribly of all people

Demon: I'm going to rip you apart. Dies Horribly: You've already done that. It didn't work.

• • Big Ears' response to the flea demon's attempt to manipulate him is quite fantastic:

Big Ears: You're right, flea demon, I am indeed a valuable soul. I am this realm's protector and I swear that I will personally carry this axe back to the depths of hell before he can escape it. Flea demon: You insult the Sacred with your words! He will rip off your skin and replace it with your childhood nigthmares! He will scream your name in a language so old, that... Big Ears: Yes, he will. He will scream my name. In this way, he will speak to me. But I will not answer him.

• Nahast: Lands of Strife has Xiang. "NOTHING moves a dwarf!"
• Zebra Girl: Sandra goes off on a rant about how she's in charge, only for it to be interrupted:

Jack:Sandra... doesn't it worry you how I'm not worried? Sandra:No. Because you're an idiot. Jack: Sure. I'm also Plaid Jack Clarity, the Tartan Sorcerer. Walker in infernal fires, he of the intersecting lines. This is my friend Tomie. And you're a bad, bad demon.

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