The Colbert Report

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

"Some people promise to read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you."

The Colbert Report (pronounced Col-bear Re-pore) was the Emmy award winning (Best Writing - Variety, 2008 and 2010) Spin-Off from The Daily Show, featuring the screen persona of news anchor Stephen Colbert. Broadcast on Comedy Central between 2005 and 2014, it operated as a parody of news talk programs such as The O'Reilly Factor (when the show was pitched as "Stephen Colbert parodying Bill O'Reilly", it was picked up immediately without even a pilot).

The character of Colbert himself could be best described as a Strawman Political of a news pundit, a mega-conservative who embodies all the stereotypes about conservative people in one convenient shell. Much like its progenitor, it read the real news in a humorous tone. It also coined the words "truthiness" and "wikiality". The latter one is a portmanteau of Wikipedia and reality: basically the practice of Rewriting Reality by bringing democracy to information. "If enough people agree on it, it becomes true" -- the example given being Colbert's assertion that elephant populations had tripled since 31 January 2006. [1]

Differed from its mother show in that it was a kind of Sitcom with guest stars playing themselves and a funny premise. Whereas The Daily Show is mainly Jon Stewart reading the news and making funny observations, The Colbert Report revolved around a character and his interaction with the real world. There were recurring characters and plot points (such as Colbert's broken wrist). Indeed, during the show's first year of existence, Colbert even had a fictional "archenemy" in the form of fellow comedian David Cross, who played fictional liberal talking head "Russ Lieber" before the character was written out of the series.

It should probably be noted (or perhaps not) that Stephen Colbert, the fake news anchor, was, in fact, a character that Stephen Colbert, professional comedian, was playing. He does not believe the views he espoused on the show (for the most part), and has referred to the character as "a well-meaning, poorly informed, high-status idiot."

In 2014, The Colbert Report ended its run so that Stephen Colbert could take over the helm of The Late Show as David Letterman's successor.

The Colbert Report is the Trope Namer for:
Tropes used in The Colbert Report include:

Tropes A

Stephen: I'm hitting the gym, getting pretty cut. And I'm shedding pounds by not cooking with butter. Instead I use it to grease up my body when I work out. That way, none of those stroke gays, or stro-mos as we call them at the gym, can get a handle on me.

Tropes B - D

Colbert: (on Ninja Assassin) "Yeah, impressive, but you know who you didn't see in that video? Me! (Beat) Who's the better ninja now?"

Colbert: I am on the South Carolina Republican primary like white... on the Republican primary.

Colbert: We have a broadcast legend... who will be interviewing Tom Brokaw.

  • Berserk Button: During an interview with Neil Irvin Painter she refers to the Scots Irish as properly Irish. Colbert promptly corrects (2:10) her with: "There's no Irish blood in Scots-Irish People. They are Scottish Presbyterians, who were given land in Ireland. THEY TOOK OUR LAND AND DROVE MY PEOPLE ACROSS THE RIVER SHANNON, WHERE WE WERE FORCED TO FARM ROCKS BY OLIVER CROMWELL AND I WILL SEE HIM ROT IN HELL BEFORE YOU CALL SCOTS-IRISH PEOPLE IRISH! DO YOU WANNA FIGHT?!" Then they arm wrestle.
    • Do not steal his Super PAC money (Jon Stewart) or call him out on pointless spending (Nancy Pelosi)- he will chase you down and make you pay.
  • Big No: Colbert is extremely fond of this trope. For example, after seeing how terrible he looks in pink.


And finally, the #1 threat. What's it going to be? Robots, or bears? It's Robot bears!

In the May 10, 2012 episode, Stephen tells a story of a monkey who had accidentally swallowed a peanut, causing the zookeeper to lick the monkey's butt (in order for the monkey to defecate). At the end of the episode, Stephen pulls out a can of Planter's.

...that's a fact, and nothing can convince me otherwise. [a beat] Here to convince me otherwise...

    • "Checkmate!" or "I just nailed you." when interviewing people he disagrees with. Sometimes when the audience is clapping for the guest, he'll say "I haven't nailed him yet but thanks."
    • "[X], please!"
    • Whenever a guest agrees with him (usually on a very minor point) "Apology accepted."
    • At the beginning of shows: "Nation, in here, out there..."
    • "This is America."
    • "I don't see race, people tell me I'm white and I believe them because I <stereotypical white trait/hobby>."
    • "Nation, anyone who watches this show regularly knows that I love/hate <topic/person he's never mentioned before>."
  • Celebrity Is Overrated: Stephen doesn't think so. "You people are like water in the desert."
  • Character Blog: The @stephenathome Twitter.
  • Chekhov's Gun: An unintentional one in this episode when Stephen forgot about the mousetrap that he had placed on his desk earlier in the show.
  • China Takes Over the World: Alluded to in this clip.
  • Christmas Special: "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All".
  • Chroma Key:
    • Formidable Opponent, in which Stephen debates himself, and the Green Screen Challenges.
    • The green-screen "window" during the Vancouver segments, which started out with a normal view of the city, went up into a blimp, then went into NBC's studios (Brian Williams: Will you go away?!).
    • Also when interviewing a Wisconsin Senator in Chicago 20 Million BC.
  • Church of Happyology: Colbert has recently declared himself the New Galactic Overlord. He wears a shiny cape.
  • Clip Show: The Global Editions, though a couple include original sketches.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: His unique interpretation of current events.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: French-Canadian Stephan Colbert.
  • Cold War: The Cold War Update Segments.
  • Comically Missing the Point: His whole talk show revolves around this.
  • The Comically Serious: "German Ambassador" Hans Beinholtz.
  • Companion Cube: Sweetness, a gun which Colbert treats like a cross between Mr. Flibble and Sooty.
    • And Ham-Rove, a canned pressed ham with glasses that came about because Karl Rove looks like one.
  • Cone of Shame: Stephen wears one while recovering from a broken wrist. He attempts to pour drugs into his mouth. One wonders how he got the bottle open.
  • Cooking Duel: Stephen's epic dance duel with Rain, which is apparently the only universally accepted way to challenge someone and how all conflicts are solved.
  • Cool Gun: Stephen's .38 caliber revolver "Sweetness", a "trigger-happy" and very talkative (at least, to Stephen) firearm who has shot quite a few audience members by accident.
    • If by "a few audience members", you mean the same audience member every time, same bullet wounds and all. Even he wonders why he keeps sitting there.
  • Cool Sword: Andúril.
  • Corpsing: Stephen tends to break character and laugh over some of the more ridiculous lines, or at least grin the whole time he's saying them. There is an actual video tag on his site called "cracks up" for when he does this. He and Jon Stewart have done this to each other quite often; if one of them loses it, the other will soon follow.
  • Couch Gag:
    • The introductory text that appears next to Stephen also changes on occasion. This has ranged from words such as "Megamerican" to "Lincolnish", "Libertease", and "SCILF".
    • Before the Vancouver shows "Sponsored by Verizon. They paid for this."
  • Crowd Chant: Stephen Colbert often leads his audience in chants of "U.S.A!" or "I was right!" in this rhythm. And, of course, the show usually starts with enthusiastic chants of "Ste-phen!"
  • Crying Wolf: Stephen warns about crying wolf or rather crying zombie in the end of this clip about college students playing zombie tag. According to Stephen this game will leave us vulnerable when the rage virus escapes.
  • Cult: "So congratulations Apple [on your new iPad]. Speaking of cults-- [Happyology]."
  • Cute Kitten: On March 5, 2009, while discussing the imploding U.S. Economy with Jim Cramer of CNBC, Colbert had videos of kittens and puppies playing behind Mr. Cramer, saying that this would make people feel better about the economy.
  • Cuteness Proximity: Stephen normally hates and fears bears The Godless Killing Machines, but pictures of cute little bear cubs invariably send him into hopeless Baby Talk. An attempt to de-cuteinize one cub failed when putting the cub's face on bin Laden's body just made terrorism adorable.
    • He couldn't help but admit that Rain dressed up in a hedgehog costume was adorable. Or that Rain in general is adorable.
  • Dagwood Sandwich: After seeing a burger where the buns were replaced with grilled cheese sandwiches, Colbert contemplated a grilled cheese sandwich where the bread was replaced with grilled cheese sandwiches... ad infinitum. "Prepare yourselves nation, for I have invented... The Mobius Melt", a sandwich that you theoretically cannot stop eating. He then recalls his other favorite fractal sandwich, the "Mandelbrot BLT -- the more you zoom in, the more bacon there is. What will explode first, your heart, or your mind?"
  • A Date with Rosie Palms: The cure for Restless Leg Syndrome is Restless Hand Syndrome.
  • Deal with the Devil: In the 2014 midterm coverage of the elections, Stephen preforms a ritual and sells his soul to the devil to get early results on who wins Alaska.
  • Death by Gluttony: The Mandel-BLT, where the bacon approaches infinite density as you zoom in. What will explode first? Your heart, or your mind?
  • Department of Redundancy Department: "Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow".
  • Detournement: Carrying neo-conservative punditry a few bridges too far.
  • Did Not Do the Research: In his interview with Maurice Sendak, Colbert incorrectly states that Vin Diesel was in 2 Fast 2 Furious.
  • Double Vision: Formidable Opponent. Bonus points that they're usually Color Coded for Your Convenience- one wears a red tie (Conservative bias) and the other wears a blue tie (Liberal bias).
  • Dream Within a Dream: Colbert has one of these after he knocks himself unconscious [3]
  • Drill Sergeant Nasty: Encounters a real one for his bit of basic training prior to "Operation Iraqi Stephen".
  • Dropped a Bridge on Him: Done jokingly with Bobby the stage manager (Eric Drysdale), who was barbecued and eaten by Stephen in his farewell appearance. When Bobby's ghost came back for a guest spot like a kind of Jacob Marley, Stephen ate the ghost, too.
  • Droste Image: The portrait in the studio of Stephen is one of these, more so with each passing year. The original portrait showed Stephen standing in front and to the left of a portrait of himself. In the show's first episode, at one point Stephen came back from a commercial break standing in front and to the left of the portrait saying "What's the most important thing a TV journalist needs? Humility." Each anniversary the portrait has been replaced with a new one showing Stephen standing in front of the previous one:
    • 1st: To the left.
    • 2nd: To the right, arms crossed, glowering over his lack of an Emmy.
    • 3rd: To the left, holding an Emmy.
    • 4th: To the right, wearing a military uniform and haircut, saluting (in honor of his visit to Iraq).
    • 5th: To the left, wearing an olive wreath on his head (in honor of the Report's sponsorship of the U.S. Olympic speed=skating team), with the Grammy he won for A Colbert Christmas hung like an Olympic medal around his neck.
    • 6th: To the right, holding the F.E.C. ruling allowing him to form his SuperPAC.

E - H

Stephen: We need a new leader soon because America is standing at a precipice. Which, I think, is either a bonfire or a poisonous Australian jellyfish.

  • Flowery Insults: Usually "[Job description], and [flowery insult], [Person's name]".
    • "Minority leader, and septuagenarian ninja turtle, Mitch McConnell."
    • "Texas GOP congressman, and human fence post, Louie Gohmert."
    • "Pundit, and part-time weather balloon, Rush Limbaugh."
    • "Florida congresswoman, and home-perm after model, Debbie Wasserman Schultz."
  • Flynning: Colbert and Elijah Wood, both of them using versions of Sting (Colbert brandishing one given to him by Peter Jackson).
  • Food Porn: One of Stephen's SuperPAC ads blasts other SuperPACs for pandering to Iowa voters with "cheap cornography" and says Iowans deserve better, and then shows slow-motion footage of corn set to porn music.
  • Foreshadowing: Lampshaded in this segment before a Richard Branson interview.
  • Freudian Excuse: It's strongly suggested that a lot of Colbert's problems stem from childhood trauma - for example, his hatred of books (a shelf fell on him). His actual fear and hate of bears stems from a recurring nightmare Stephen had as a child where bears would maul him to death for apparently no reason.
  • Freudian Slip: From the last episode in 2011:

"It was just a simple Freudian slip. Named, of course, after Sigmund Freud. I'm sorry that's my mom. Jimmy, put up my mom. I mean, my breasts. I mean, Freud.

  • Frivolous Lawsuit: Colbert being told by his lawyer brother the many words he can't say during the Vancouver Olympics shows (including "Vancouver" and "Olympics").
  • Fun with Acronyms: NASA's new space treadmill: the "Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill" (C.O.L.B.E.R.T.) And now there's video of it being installed on the ISS.
  • Germanic Depressive: Recurring character and German ambassador to the UN, Hans Beinholtz.
  • Get a Hold of Yourself, Man!: "No! Get a grip Colbert!" and various alternate phrasings.
  • Getting Crap Past the Radar: Apparently, Stephen Colbert refers to his Australian Formula 401 cans' contents as crock juice. He himself finds it so funny that immediately afterwords, he has to pause to regain his composure and NOT laugh.
    • There is a series of segments dealing with Arctic issues called Smokin' Pole.
    • Several of his SuperPAC heroes have included: Suq Madiq, Harry Balzac, Harry Balsagna, Apoop Mapanz, and Mike Clitoris. And let's not forget the one that really made him crack up- Munchma Quchi.
    • During a segment about monkeys learning how to buy things and read sexually hypnotic billboards, Stephen somehow got away with showing a monkey vagina on live TV. Is he a censor wizard? You bet your ass he is!
  • Giving Someone the Pointer Finger: One of Colbert's favorite poses.
    • Not to mention his Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger segment.
  • A God Am I: Upon introducing Conservapedia's Conservative Bible Project to Colbert Nation, Colbert then commanded the masses to add him into it as a biblical figure - perhaps Moses, or Samson - or...

"The point is, you don't have to make me God himself. But if that happens, hey - I get it."


I - L

Guest: Jesus said, "I am divine, and you are the branches."
Colbert: ...Sir, God does not approve of puns.
Colbert: ...But specifically it is a affront to the Christmas Trees' Lord and savior, Treesus.

"Snap out of it, Col-burt!"

    • During the Writers Strike of 2007, when Colbert would go on the air without his writing staff, he would deliberately refer to the show as "The Colbert Report" as a sign of solidarity with his writers.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Stephen Colbert the character is a jerk, but he can't help but let his heart of gold shine through on occasion. Especially when he is helping various charities.
  • Kayfabe: This is what makes it so hard for many people to "get" the show or the character. Is he sending a message this time, or is he just making people laugh? Is what the character Colbert says what the real Colbert thinks, or its exact opposite? Well, he keeps the line very blurred.
    • Colbert recently testified to Congress, under oath. In character.
  • Kick the Dog: In an effort to be declared the Worst Person in the World by Olbermann, Stephen slapped a baby with a puppy. Could have been seen here if it wasn't for the fact that there was an unfortunate technical mishap preventing anyone from seeing it happen.
  • Kill the Poor: Stephen has, on at least one occasion, equated the "War on Poverty" with the "War on Drugs" and has wondered why we haven't yet made poverty illegal.
    • During one banter segment with Jon Stewart at the end of The Daily Show's 10th Anniversary episode, Colbert remarked about how Stewart's show is all about supporting "the underdog" and Colbert can't believe how he ever backed that "losing horse". That's why Colbert on his own show now supports "the overdog" (specifically, big business). When concluding his point, Colbert quotes the Trope Namer!

Like mis hermanos The Dead Kennedys say, "Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill the poor!"

    • When offering solutions to help the poor and unemployed without having to raise taxes for the wealthy, Colbert suggested that rich people should buy the natural rights of poorer individuals and took Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal seriously, calling for poor children to be sold as food for extra cash.
    • Colbert wants the Occupy Wall Street "pity party" to end so that Wall Street can get back to their own party--snorting the ground up bones of the poor.
  • Know-Nothing Know-It-All: Stephen portrays himself as an extremely far-right Republican/Christian Know-Nothing Know-It-All.
  • The Krampus: Stephen decides to join forces with Krampus to fight the eeeeeevil liberal secularists' War on Christmas. He offers Krampus some cookies and milk, which Krampus promptly whips with a rusty chain, then threatens to drag Stephen to Hell.
  • Kwyjibo: When it is announced that Scrabble will allow proper names to be used Stephen announces his new middle name Qxyzzy. In short, he's made up a word worth an obnoxious amount of points.
  • Lampshade Hanging: When discussing that "all things must come to an end", Stephen mentions, "Eventually, this show will be cancelled."
  • Large Ham: Oh, yes.
    • Since Karl Rove refuses to come on the show, his substitute is literally a large canned ham with glasses. The resemblance is amazing.
  • Le Film Artistique: His parody of The Artist, Transformateurs: Noir de la lune, including Gratuitous French and The End - or Is It?.
  • Left It In: Commonly Played for Laughs.
  • The Little Shop That Wasn't There Yesterday: Invoked by Stephen in this segment. Stephen concludes that things keep going wrong in the cleanup of the Mexican Gulf oil spill because someone keeps making wishes with a cursed monkey paw bought in such a shop.
  • Logic Bomb: Stephen tried to have his Pandertron 8000 interpret some doubletalk from Newt Gingrich; it shorted out and decided to remove the source of illogical paradoxes by killing all humans.
  • LOLcats: See Ascended Meme above.
  • Loophole Abuse: In a segment of Formidable Opponent where Stephen debates himself one of the Stephens argue that torture is constitutional. The constitution might forbid cruel and unusual punishment but that's not a problem according to Stephen if torture is used so often it is no longer unusual.
    • Stephen's campaign to get a bridge named after himself in Hungary on the grounds that there was no rule stating the namesake of the bridge had to be Hungarian. He later found out they did have to speak the language, however.

M - P

Stephen: So do you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah?
Bobby: Sure.

This of course is Aragorn's sword Andúril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil, given to me by Viggo Mortensen. Now, this has nothing to do with the metaphor -- I just want to remind everyone that I have this.

Colbert: Oh? That's okay? A coma patient, an old man with a feeding tube. But heaven forbid we make one perforated colon reference.

Colbert: This plan worked perfectly in Georgia... other than the working part.

Stephen: A zoo is nothing but monkey prison. Which means this monkey has made this zookeeper his bitch.

Stephen: (on interdimensional black people) These minorities are traveling here via some kind of black hole. I'm sorry. Excuse me. "African-American" hole.

Colbert: (strokes his gun Sweetness) "All-You-Can-Eat" means "All-You-Can-Eat-For-Life!" We're gonna get us some banana pudding, motherfuckers!

Colbert: Sarah Palin is a fucking retard! See, it's just satire.

    • Also had one when Jimmy Fallon got his revenge on Stephen. Initially, Stephen claimed that Jimmy would match the $26,000 auction price for Stephen's portrait (which went to charity clearinghouse Donors Choose), and donate said $26,000 to Donors Choose. Jimmy replied that he had never said such a thing. Rather than turn it into another mock feud, Jimmy instead challenged viewers of both shows to donate $26,000 within a week to Donors Choose. If so, then Jimmy claimed Stephen would come on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon and sing Rebecca Black's "Friday" with The Roots. Stephen's response: WTF?!... and he later did go on Fallon's show and and sing the song.
  • Pretentious Latin Motto: "Videri Quam Esse" is engraved above the (fake) fireplace - it means "to seem to be rather than to be."
  • Product Placement:
    • His 2008 presidential run was "sponsored by Doritos", his quest for a spot on the US Olympic team was sponsored by Dr. Pepper, Verizon, and (I think) Miller Lite, and of course he and the Colbert Nation sponsored the US Olympic speed skating team, with the logo prominently displayed on the skaters heads and thighs. During the Olympics, several family members of the speed skaters were wearing Colbert Nation hats.
    • "I have an iPad! :D"
    • He's also used product placement as an excuse to drink real beer (well, Bud Light Lime). On television. Twice. In the same week.
    • There was also the night that Bing promised to donate $2,500 to relief for the gulf oil spill every time he said "bing". He was up to the challenge.
    • Every time Jeff Goldblum appears, he makes sure to plug Law and Order: Criminal Intent, regardless of how apropos it is or isn't... but he won't be doing that anymore; the show was cancelled in June 2011.
    • In 2012, Stephen mocked sponsor Wheat Thins by reading quotes from the hilariously specific memo they had provided him to promote the product. It included such detailed instructions as "[Stephen] shall not be shown eating more than 16." He jams 16 in his mouth, when when he goes to add the 17th, the show suddenly has "technical difficulties." When he returns, a lawyer is on set and Stephen is mock-apologizing to Nabisco.
  • Pungeon Master:

Colbert: (on same-sex marriage law passing in New York state) Folks, I am not happy, or 'gay', that this law passed. I'm very sad, or 'heterosexual'.

Q - T

  • Quote Mine: The Edit Challenge.
  • Rapid-Fire Typing: Any time he types anything, on anything. Typewriters, computers, phones, 10 keys, everything! Including smacking the keys with the back of his hand.
  • Ratings Stunt: At least one time this was Parodied and connected to the Sweeps[7].
  • Raygun Gothic: Tek Jansen is an Affectionate Parody of the genre.
  • Real Joke Name: The crawl on the bottom of the screen showing donors to Colbert's SuperPAC included a "Suq Madiq", who apparently has a father named Liqa Madiq and a mother named Munchma Quchi. Colbert proceeded to break character and laugh uncontrollably. He referred to them again in the April 4, 2012 episode, thanking Suq Madiq along with Harry Balsac and Apoop Mapanz.
  • A Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery Inside An Enigma: When Stephen uncovered "lost footage" from an interview with Bill O'Reilly, Stephen introduced it as "a conundrum wrapped in a riddle covered with a spicy enigma sauce."
  • Robot War: Most times robots are mentioned Stephen warns about how they will turn against us and start a Robot War.
    • This segment of the threatdown contains two instances of Stephen's dire warning.
  • Rule of Three: "That's three. Three times makes it true."
  • Running Gag: Lots.
  • Sadistic Choice: He had an Actual Pacifist play Marry/Dump/Bomb with Iran, Pakistan, or North Korea. He bombed North Korea. Clip found here.
  • Saying Too Much: Most infamously, in response to Bill O'Reilly's claim that Colbert "blew me right away".
  • Say My Name:
    • "RICKLES!"
    • "BENNETT!"
    • "MANILOW!"
      • The dance-off has him saying Rain's name about five times in a row in various different ways.
    • "KANYE!"
    • "OBAMA!"
    • "GORE!"
    • "FALLON!!"
  • Scandalgate: Stephen referred to Michelle Obama shaking the hand of Indonesia's Health Minister as "Handergate".
  • Scare Chord: Used along with a sudden camera change while Stephen tells the nation something allegedly horrifying in order to promote his March to Keep Fear Alive.
  • See You in Hell: Parodied at the end of each "Cheating Death" health segment: "This is Stephen Colbert, and I'll see you in health!"
  • Self-Deprecation: About his rivalry with Rain - "Beating me in a dance-off on the technicality that he's a much better dancer than I am!"
  • Serious Business: The idea of schools banning tater tots turns into a massive rant spurred by Stephen's childhood memories about getting heinously bullied, then drowning his sorrows with a plate of tots, then finally snapping and getting his revenge on said bully by slamming his head over and over into a locker, then breaking down and sobbing over while munching on tater tots at his desk.
    • The rivalry between Jimmy Fallon over their Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor popularities, Colbert's "Americone Dream" and Fallon's "Late Night Snack". Apparently, potato chips in your ice cream is taboo.
    • When sugar becomes scarce, Stephen breaks out a reserve supply and pours a whole bag down his mouth.
  • Sesame Street Cred: Inverted, when Cookie Monster appeared in his show.
  • Sex Bot: On reporting about the world's first Sex Bot. And it wasn't the Japanese, it's us! Ain't that a kick in the head?

"And they say America doesn't make anything anymore!"

Stephen: Like being gay, being British is a choice.
Hicklin: It's a fallacy that gay is a choice-
Stephen: This is a family show, I'd rather you not use the word 'fallacy'.

Stephen: I am still reeling from Pres. Obama's announcement yesterday that he is gay. (crowd laughs) Now I have to assume that's the reason he supports gay marriage.

"Come on, what's wrong Rain? Tell me when Korea lists the non-existent embargo on BALLS!"
"Hey Rain, nice jacket! My sister wants it back."

  • Troperiffic
  • Tsundere: "Charlene II (I'm Over You)" is absolutely dripping with how Stephen is totally, completely over Charlene... not that he's 100% against the concept of a relationship with her. You know, hypothetically.
  • Turned Against Their Masters: Gulpzilla, in the January 13, 2011 episode.
  • Two Decades Behind: In the April 26, 2012 episode, Stephen talks about how he can relate to youth much better than Obama. He says things like "Turn off your Atari, Obama, because the game is over" and "They know I'm young because I always carry around a full deck of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards and I love the Power Rangers."

U - Z

Colbert: Ted Nugent has condemned your generation as lazing and apathetic. Your response?
NYU Student: Who's Ted Nugent?

Stephen: Donald Trump is a friend. He's my best friend. Number 1, best, greatest friend of all time. We race yachts, we trade mistresses. I call him "Trump Card," he calls me "Col-beer." That said, the guy's a boob. He looks like a tangelo had sex with an old dishrag. And I can say that because I love this man.

Stephen: Steve, I am thrilled for your success. Hell, I'm amazed by it. Nobody who knows you saw this coming, and it is a joy to see you in person. When I just see you in your movies I forget how funny and attractive you are. Frankly, I'm excited.
Steve: Of course you are excited, Stephen. I'm not your normal guest, people have heard of me. Stephen, I am an international movie star.
Stephen: Yes, Steve. I suppose Canada counts as international. And yes, most of my guests are people who contribute to society. So bantering with an old friend about mindless Tinseltown pablum is a welcome vacation from substance.
Steve: Thanks, Stephen. Is a vacation for me too. I am used to having 8 million people watch me on TV. Doing the Report is like being in the Witness Relocation Program.

    • And of course with Rain (via recorded messages):

Rain: Let's just say, don't quit your day job.
Stephen: My day job happens to be president of the "I Hate Rain Fanclub"!

"War And Peace? Pick a side, we're at war".

  1. Hilarious in Hindsight -- the elephant population of South Africa has ballooned to the point where they are being given vasectomies by the Elephant Management Program.
  2. "I don't know how you're going to break this to your parents. It's gonna kill them." The couple were 77 and 85 at the time.
  3. Often in your mouth!