Hellsing Abridged

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

Bella Swan: I love you, Edward.
Edward Cullen: And I love you, Bella.
(There's a knock at the door)
Edward: Hold on. (goes to the door) Who is it?
Alucard: Oh, you know. (Shoots Edward to death) A REAL fucking vampire!

The Abridged Series of Hellsing Ultimate, made by Team Four Star. That's about all you need to know.

Originally intended to be only a single episode, everyone enjoyed it so much that they decided to make more.

You can find it here.

Tropes used in Hellsing Abridged include:
  • A Demi-God I Am: Luke Valentine refers to himself as a Demigod when confronting Alucard. The latter proceeds to show him just how wrong he is.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
    • In his time, Alucard has caused massive collateral damage, multiple noise complaints, a dozen of innocent deaths, and all of the sexual harassment.
    • When fighting the elder of the Valentine brothers, Alucard tells him to "Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me! Give me a hug!"
      • Of course, Milage Varies, especially when you consider Little Kuriboh's place on TFS...
  • A Wizard Did It: When it comes to explaining Alucard's ability to regenerate after being decapitated, he responded with a simple 'fuck you'.
  • Badass Boast:
    • Alucard seems pretty fond of shooting these down whenever one of his opponents delivers one.
    • Walter is pretty good at doing these, and backing them up.

Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.

Alexander Anderson: "Now, what do you say we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Frankenber--oh, son of a Protestant whore!"

  • Bait and Switch Credits: The first episode starts with the opening for what appears to be a One Piece Abridged Series, only to suddenly cut to a dimly-lit house full of corpses.
  • Berserk Button:
    • Do not touch Alucard's flat-screen TV. Just ask Luke. Oh wait, you can't. Because he's dead.
    • Alucard also does not seem to care for 3D.

Alucard: No! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!

    • Police Girl seems to enjoy the concept that if you have to kill a zombie, you might as well kill them all. Through a blood rage.
  • Bifauxnen: Integra's appearance is lampshaded.

Anderson: What the hell do you want, you crazy Protestant bastard?
Integra: I'm a woman.
Anderson: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard.

"Now pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO!"

  • Blood Knight:
    • Alucard, obviously, though Anderson is apparently no slouch in this department either.

Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (who is also Italian): Tell-a me, Anderson: What is your favorite thing to do?
Anderson: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all.
Father: And killing-a vampires?
Anderson: *grins* Ah, just try to fucking stop me.
Father: And what about... Protestants?
Anderson: Second verse same as the first. Now put me on a plane so I can put them in a hearse!

    • Also Police Girl.
  • Bothering by the Book: When Integra orders Alucard to stay in the basement during her meeting with their financial backers. Then the Hellsing HQ gets attacked.

Alucard: You see I'm under direct orders from my boss (who is a total bitch by the way) that I'm not allowed to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.

  • Buxom Is Better: The only reason why Alucard rescued Police Girl is because she has nice tits.
  • Call Back: In episode 2, when Alucard dislikes Integra's demands, he says "I don't have to take this, I'm going for a walk." Episode 1 shows us how those tend to turn out.
  • Captain Obvious: The Major:

Gentlemen, we...are Nazis!

  • Character Exaggeration: Jan's homicidal tendencies are taken Up to Eleven. Don't ask us how.
  • Chivalrous Pervert: Although he's an exceptional Jerkass, Alucard kind of suits this. Despite being a massive pervert who is implied to see prostitutes and gives assistance to women based purely on the size of their breasts, he is apparently "holding out" for Integra... although her rage at everything he does probably hurts his chances.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: The whole cast, but Jan Valentine deserves special mention.

(while being shot) "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckmotherfuckin'fuckcuntwithafuckin'tittyfuckfuckFUCK!"

Luke: I am trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
Alucard: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing... and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my 70" plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
(Luke and Alucard point their guns directly at each other's head)
Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?

Vampire Priest: Everyone else is already dead! Except this little tart (Seras)...But trust me, I still plan to kill her...
Alucard: Mmmh-hm.
Vampire Priest: But first I'm going to rape her!
Alucard: Nnnneat.

"Well, kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina."

  • Everyone Calls Her Police Girl: In this series, Seras (which she pointed out). Her name's even listed as such in the credits.
  • Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: Alucard and Jan.
  • Foreshadowing: Alucard likes to end every episode thus far by insisting that the Nazis are behind everything. Integra dismisses this as an idiotic idea, but anyone who knows the show will know how Wrong Genre Savvy this is.
  • Godwin's Law / Take That: By proxy. Jan reveals that he was sent by the Nazis to attack the Hellsing Mansion, and dies immediately afterward. Integra, Walter, & Police girl's assumptions? George Lucas, the Miami Heat, and the Motley Crue respectively (although Police Girl admits that her's was because of her "vampire hearing").
  • Guile Heroine: Integra solves her financial difficulties by letting her backers listen to Alucard's brutal dismemberment of Luke Valentine. They're so terrified that they give her the support she needs without any further hassle.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Alucard goes above and beyond the call, to the point where it seems that the only reason he's at all better than his enemies is that he can be bribed into not murdering everything he sees.
  • Hey, It's That Voice!: Aside from the greats at TFS, we have Nowacking as the Police Girl, and, well, Weekly Tube Show of P*ccolo fame as Walter (in Ep. 2).
  • Idiot Hero: Alucard, even though he's clearly not one, will occasionally invoke a more immature attitude if it helps him to better screw with his opponents' heads.
  • I'm a Humanitarian: "BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!"
  • Jerkass Stu: Despite the comedic tone of the series, it has a surprisingly good deconstruction of this trope. This version of Alucard lacks any sense of true loyalty to Integra and, as a result, can quite literally get away with anything he wants in-universe. While people will complain, they won't actually do anything to stop him because nobody can. Integra shows just how infuriating and hate-inspiring such a character would be on several occasions. On the plus side, she does find ways to use his power to her advantage (see Guile Heroine).
  • Jerk with a Heart of Jerk / Troll: Alucard's characterisation can basically be summed up as this, but especially towards Integra. There is no indication that he follows her orders out of any sense of loyalty. Rather, it seems like she's just bribing him not to destroy everything.
    • Except for the moments where he follows some of Integra's orders. So it's far more likely he's screwing with her. Why bother being bribed to get a 70 inch plasma screen TV anyway when he could go out and get it himself?
  • Large Ham: Alucard doesn't so much chew the scenery as he does masticate entire sets. Jan is also very fond of getting his ham on, for reasons obvious to anyone who's seen the show.
  • My Name Is Not Durwood:

Police Girl: "Okay ... Master (Alucard), my name is Seras."

Sir Islands: And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.

Integra: Where the hell is Alucard?
Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
Integra: Killed him?
Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
Integra: Oh. Well, that's step one... What about two through ten?
Anderson: Ah Christ!

    • Jan, upon seeing Police Girl's rifle: "Oh, fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!"
      • And when he charges into the boardroom to find Integra and everyone else aiming a gun in his direction. "Well that's not fair at all..."
    • Luke, upon seeing how huge the stairs leading to the manor from Alucard's room are.
  • Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping:
    • Rarely, but it happens. On the whole it's a lot better about averting it than most.
    • Noticeable from Seras near the end of episode 2.
  • The Other Darrin: In the first episode, Walter is voiced by Little Kuriboh. The second episode replaces him with Weekly Tube Show.
  • Power Is Sexy: Seras seems to get rather into her blood rages...
    • Interplay of Sex and Violence: ... Alucard, on the other hand, doesn't even bother with the subtext and is positively aroused by her displays.
      • Same for Jan, who, after seeing his ghouls getting ripped to shreds by Seras, calmly quips "Well, at least I die with a raging boner."
  • Pre-Ass-Kicking One-Liner: Alucard's fight with Luke:

Alucard: Release restraint level one.
Luke: Level what?

  • Psychopathic Manchild: Alucard was watching cartoons in his room before Luke busted in, then proceeded to eat Luke.
  • Red Eyes, Take Warning: Guess what color Police Girl's irises turn when she has one of her little moments.

"What's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?"

Second verse, same as the first!
Now put me on a plane so I can put them in a hearse!

  • Shout-Out:
    • In the very first scene, Alucard kills Edward.
    • "Seriously, there's like forty zombies in here. Just one shot to the head and they explode!" *gunshot* *splat* "It's like House of the Dead. Only, like...a hundred times more awesome!"
    • "Sweet Black Fucking Sabbath"
    • Actually deconstructed when Alucard points out that Anderson apparently stole all his speeches from The Boondock Saints.
      • One of the only lines he didn't take from the movie was "It's a shame for ya lost yer head. A careless Vampire who wound up dead, ya wore yer sin like it was some kinda prize. Too many lies...Too many lies." is a slightly modified set of the opening lyrics to WWE superstar Sheamus' theme song
    • "And I'm Carmen Sandiego! GUESS WHERE I AM?!"
    • Adventure Time and High School of the Dead.
      • The heavy implication being that the whole reason HSOD started was because Alucard was 99.9% done with the mission when he left--which gets even more hilarious when you consider that Kohta Hirano is a character in that show based on the Hellsing's mangaka, and sharing the same name.
    • After realizing what a bored Alucard will do if Hellsing's funding is cut off, one of the Round Table says SHUT UP AND TAKE OUR MONEY!
    • To the Dragon Ball Abridged 'kaio-what' running gag, in Alucard's own powerup sequence:

Alucard: Release restraint level one.
Luke: Level what? *leg gets shot off*

Alucard (arguing with Integra): What are you going to do? Grab the guy who can stop me? What was his name....? Michael McDoesn'tExist?

Alucard: I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?
Anderson: I've never actually found one, but do you think if I cut one open with my knife it would spill out Lucky Charms?