Paint the Town
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"Boromir was having sex with harry, Draco, and Merry and they were flopping about on the bed liked beachewd whales. Draco was putting his penis in Boromir's mouth and they were all having sex." |
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Paint the Town is the first fanfiction by the infamous Starjeffry. It involves the characters from Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings becoming strippers and having constant, horribly written orgies.
The author later went on to write another, just as bad, LOTR/Harry Potter sexfest called The Time Machine, as well as a Napoleon Dynamite incest fic, a My Immortal ripoff in which Harry and Frodo become suicidal drug addicts, a self-insert songfic to "My Humps", and a Death Note Porn Without Plot.
- Anachronism Stew: Why does Middle Earth suddenly include strip clubs, cars, apartments, sushi bars, and...Harry Potter characters?
- Anatomically-Impossible Sex: Oh, where to start?
- With Boromir's penis, which is three feet long, or with Gandalf's 100 foot penis?
- Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: When Harry gets drunk on
a drink with liqur in itbeer, his drunken rage turns him into a 100 foot tall Godzilla creature and causes him to crush buildings. - Bawdy Song: The spell to turn the 100 ft Godzilla-esque Harry back to normal is simply "Does your penis hang low?", which is the classic "Do your ears hang low?" song with the word "ears" replaced with "penis". (Yet, it still takes Hermoine a few minutes to memorize.)
- Bile Fascination
- Broken Aesop: The chapter with Harry turning into some sort of Godzilla creature after getting drunk is probably supposed to have some sort of anti-alcohol message, yet later chapters portray drinking wine as romantic.
- Camp Gay: Everyone wears over-the-top, Village People-esque stripper costumes. There is even a list of all the costumes.
- Catboy: Frodo's costume includes cat ears and a tail, while Sirius's costume includes dog ears and a dog tail.
- Crack Pairing: While the more common pairings such as Harry/Draco and Sam/Frodo appear in this story, it also involves Aragon/Harry/Sirius, Gandalf/Draco, Gimli/Dumbledore, Pippin/human!male!Mrs. Norris, Boromir/Snape, Ron/Legolas and...well, everyone/everyone.
- Crosses the Line Twice
- A Date with Rosie Palms: Frodo, when he's thinking about Sam, and the mysterious unnamed man in the bushes, as he watches some of the characters having sex.
- Dude, She's Like, in a Coma: When Hermoine shrinks the 100-foot-tall Harry back to his normal size with an incantation, it causes him to pass out. Everyone celebrates with an orgy, which includes the unconscious Harry.
- Emo Teen: Sam turns into one when Frodo cheats on him by having sex with Sirius as part of his stripper show.
- Everybody Has Lots of Sex
- Everyone Is Gay: Well, the only female character is Hermoine, and the only action she gets is off-screen with the author's self-insert character. Unless you count her having to climb Gandalf's 100 foot penis.
- Exotic Equipment: Gandalf has a hundred foot long, prehensile penis that he can use as a lasso or a grappling hook.
- Fetish Retardant
- Gag Penis: Gandalf.
- Humanity Ensues: Mrs. Norris is turned into a human man when she has hot chocolate poured on her.
- Lizard Folk: In the middle of a highly sexualized triathlon, Ron gets raped by a gang of human/alligator hybrids.
- Negative Continuity: Despite having previously been involved in an orgy, Snape claims to be a virgin. To Borimor, who had "humped him from behind" a few chapters earlier.
- Rape Is Love: Frodo actually gets jealous when he sees Aragon raping Harry instead of him.
- Sexy Santa Dress: Legolas wears this as his stripper outfit.
- Shout-Out:
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"This chapter is t atribure to my homegirl XXX666bloodyristsXXX666 AKA Tara." |
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- What Happened to the Mouse?: The mysterious voyeur who spies on several of the characters having sex disappears without a word and is never mentioned again.
