30 "H"s

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

There are some Fan Fics that you won't forget. This is one of them. It is a Harry Potter fanfic, just like My Immortal. It's So Bad It's Good, just like My Immortal, it has extreme Canon Defilement, just like My Immortal. However, the two are different in one key detail. Whereas My Immortal was (in theory) written by a Wangsty 13 year old girl, this was (in theory) written by an insane 13 year old boy. So, instead of goffic sorrow and vampires, we get groinsaws and demonic astronauts in the very first sentence. Instead of various emo goff bands playing every night in the same wizard town for no apparent reason, we get Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. And yes, that is a direct quote.

What fanfic are we talking about? Why, 30 "H"s of course. 30 "H"s isn't actually the fanfic's name; like everyone's favorite Eldritch Abomination, it's just shorter and easier to remember than its real name of HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and can be pronounced without first contracting bronchitis.

Has a wonderfully disturbing Dramatic Reading of the first five chapters. Also has an incredibly hammy reading of the first six chapters, and the seventh by Man Without A Body. And another reading of chapters one through seven was produced by Pamachu.

Also, the guy who wrote it does stuff with puppets. It's about what you'd expect it to be.

Tropes used in 30 "H"s include:
  • Action Prologue: Begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from hell. It only gets better from there.
  • Aerith and Bob: The names of the Inquisitors - Ignatius and Billy.
  • Animate Inanimate Object: There are many of them.
  • Art Major Physics: No, not Art Major. It was the fart of a firefly turned into a ravenous beast, shredding all those in its path, as Harry reached from an atom and split it, killing the fuck out of the beast.
  • Batman Can Breathe in Space: In the second chapter, Harry flies through space on a meteor, with no explanation as to how he can breathe. This may be the least ridiculous thing about the fic.
  • Beeping Computers: In the laboratory there are computers that serve no purpose beyond soft hums and blinking lights.
  • Behind a Stick: Rape Radbury appears "from behind nothing much". Yet he's ten feet tall...
  • Black Comedy Rape: The rape ape and Rape Radbury. Nobody ever actually gets raped over the course of the story.
  • Blatant Lies: This fic is tagged under Angst/Romance, and the characters as Bellatrix Lestrange and Seamus Finnigan.
  • But You Faggart One Sun:

Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?

  • Chainsaw Good: GROINSAWS.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: "Fuck" appears more than any other word.
  • Corrupt Church: Possibly the inquisitors.
  • Cow Tools: There are explicitly machines that have no purpose except for blinking lights and soft hums in the laboratory.
  • Crack Fic: And how!
  • Crapsack World: The ecology of Surf Ninja Moon X is decimated to the point that the only food left is a cartilage and mustard sandwich.
  • Creepy Crossdresser:
  • Dark Is Not Evil: Neither Rape Radbury nor the Eldritch Abomination posing as a scientist seem to be particularly awful people. Then again, anyone looks less awful when Harry is around.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: A borderline example in the line "We are bound in this ligature of lingam, Brother Rape Ape." 'Ligature' and 'lingam' both mean 'symbol', although 'lingam' is often used to refer specifically to phallic symbols. It is the rape ape, after all.
  • Disintegrator Ray: Dobby's armor fires a beam of light at one of the astronauts, boiling his flesh in another dimension.
  • Dissimile: "Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."
  • Earthshattering Kaboom: Harry "kills the fuck out of" two planets during the course of the story, and Dumblecop kicks another one in half.
  • Eldritch Abomination: Pretty much everyone.
  • Everything's Better with Monkeys: Everything's Better With Rape Apes (or not).
  • Satiating Sandwich: Subverted—Harry does not like the "cabbagewich", which might explain why it was the last piece of food on the planet of Surf Ninjas.
  • Everything's Wicked With Weasels: The bald weasel with toothpicks for legs.
  • Evil Weapon: Fuckslayer is a particularly unholy example; it's made out of angel menstrual blood, the horns of Satan and his generals, and heaven itself. Harry stores it in a dimension where all screams for naught. It can also destroy planets.
  • Eye Scream: In the first chapter.

"How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?"
Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."

"I am no longer Scrumblegort." The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling. "The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."

  • I'm a Humanitarian: Harry is implied to have eaten Ron... although he spits out the eyes.
  • Impossibly Cool Weapon: Harry's guitar, Fuckslayer. It summons planet-killing asteroids.
  • Incendiary Exponent: Holy fuckfire. When you absolutely, positively got to kill the fuck out of a planet, accept no substitutes.
  • Inherently Funny Words: Groinsaws, fuckfire, rape ape, chumpits.
  • In Medias Res: It starts with a battle between Harry, Dobby and demonic astronauts, which, like everything else, has nothing to do with anything and is never explained.
  • In Name Only: Literally, the only similarities with Harry Potter are the names of Harrry, Dobby, Ron and Dumbledore (only the first time). There' s one mention of Hogwarts getting destroyed by Harry.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Take the following sentence:

Harry: Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.

Dumbledore: Harry, you must rock the fuck out.

He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy fuckfire and flew through Mercury, killing the fuck out of it. Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.

  • Rule of Cool: There is absolutely zero logical plot progression, however, there are legs made out of pistols, vampire caveman on Mars and a cursed book with pages MADE OUT OF LASERS and words made out of dragons, made out of motorcycles, making godless love to headless women.
  • Rule of Funny: See the rest of this page.
  • Scary Impractical Armor: Dobby's "elfin space armor" has skulls on the shoulders and a groinsaw.
  • Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Inverted.

Harry then did fly his meteor through space, [[[Dragon Force]] starts playing] punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars.

Dumblecop: Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?