Dark Match/Characters

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Cast Members

Alli (Pronounced 'Alley')

A furry of many fursonas living in Klamath Falls, Oregon. Alli is one of the editors of the show and also one of the funniest cast members, often chiming in with a well-timed zinger.

Backlash

A fox furry living in Billerica, Massachusetts and primary editor of the show who is largely known for his legendary mental breakdowns and frequent Sanity Slippage. He is the good twin of Lars The TNA Mark and lives in the same house. He is an avid fan of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Christophersays

The self proclaimed "Mastodon of the Monotone" who lives in New York City, but oddly enough doesn't possess a typical new york accent. One of the more knowledgeable reviewers on the show, not just in wrestling but other forms of entertainment such as film and music.

Digi-Fox

The other fox furry, who resides in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. He is the oldest of the cast and arguably the most mellowed out. His knowledge and interest in wrestling is only one facet of his spectrum of interests, which include Dj-ing, writing, music and video production. He is the good twin of Matt Hardy V8 and has a dog named Sam who appears in a few of his videos.

Duosangel

In her own words, a fangirl who lives near Seattle, Washington. When she's not ripping down TNA for their blatantly sexist policies in handling the knockouts, she is likely reading fanfics.

  • Ascended Fangirl
  • Break the Cutie: Normally calm and collected, Duos has gone off on her recent episodes SEVERAL times. It took a little while, but she's finally become as broken as the rest of the cast.
  • Catch Phrase: Duos used to introduce herself with "I'm Your Token Chick" but retired it after a short time.
  • Rule 34: Reads A LOT of fan fiction in her spare time.
  • There Are No Female Wrestling Fans: Inverted with Duosangel.
    • She mainly became a fan through watching Spoony's Wrestle! Wrestle! videos after not watching since she was a little kid. The rest of the cast has taken up the responsibility of educating her on wrestling as much as possible.
  • Token Lesbian

Ironbite

Having recently moved back to Chantilly, Virginia, Ironbite is a mostly outspoken member of Darkmatch who is certainly not above expressing himself in the form of offensive jokes and coming off overly creepy, but that's why we love him.

  • All Men Are Perverts: If he's not talking incessantly about how hot one of the girls are, he's usually making a comment that makes No Leaf whisper "creeeeepppy" in the background.
  • Animal Mecha: His avatar is a mecha-raptor.
  • Butt Monkey: Ironbite has certainly filled this role lately, but this is subject to change.
  • Dude, Not Funny: (In-universe)Often his preferred style of humor.
  • The Snark Knight

Jingus

The only Darkmatch cast member who has any actual experience in the wrestling industry, he has worked as a wrestler, announcer, and referee for numerous indy wrestling promotions. Now having left that turbulent lifestyle behind and living in Dallas, Texas, Jingus retains a wealth of insider knowledge about the sport and remains a valuable asset to the crew.

Lordstar

A new comer to the Darkmatch scene from the Chicago area, and a sit in fan for quite sometime. Made his debut surprising Magpie by coming out of the closet as a furry during the Wrestlemania 28 review.

Lonewarriorsinc

An avid My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic fan and a fan of wrestling, she resides in Calgary, Alberta Canada. Her often loose and unpredictable style often serves as a foil to the more serious cast members. She has a very low breaking threshold.

Magpie

One of the more energetic Darkmatch members from California, Magpie is a die hard fan of Ring of Honor, particularly some of it's notable alumni such as Samoa Joe and Christoper Daniels and often cites the most famous match between the two as a defense mechanism when the current product is doing less than well. Magpie is a huge Beatles fan and hates furries, and has an ongoing rivalry with Backlash and Digi-Fox. Dr. Magpie is somewhat of a canon alter-ego responsible for the creation of Matt Hardy V8.

Megafighter3

The man of a thousand catchphrases (999 of them stolen) from Wilmigton, Massachusetts. Megafighter3 responds to bad wrestling by often talking about Pokémon or My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic or the CA Ws he's created (or downloaded) in WWE 12.

Mr. War Machine

A fan of Power Rangers who lives in Tacoma, Washington. Mr. War Machine is not afraid to express his opinion of things he hates. He is well known for his segment, 'Mr. War Machine's Slash-fic theatre which he reads masterfully well, with frightening perfection.

  • All Men Are Perverts: Says every time Velvet Sky is on TV, we have to see her boobs, otherwise it's not worth it.
  • Annoying Younger Sibling: He tries to deny this by saying that everyone else is just old.
  • Berserk Button: Vickie Guerrero. Inverted with everyone else, who are happy anytime Vickie Guerrero is on screen.
    • War Machine finds Booker T's commentary style...grating.
  • Butt Monkey: Played with. It never gets really bad, but he does have his moments.
  • The Bus Came Back: Mr. War Machine, left the show due to burn out with wrestling, plus his planet needed him. Recently, he was released from Dark Match hosting duties, though that turned out to be a work
  • Owl Be Damned: Really hates owls, possibly more than Booker T and Vickie Guerrero and the blue power ranger.
  • Rule 34: The segment 'Mr. War Machine's Slashfic Theatre' in which he reads hypothetical scenarios involving ceratin wrestlers such as Sting, Jeff Hardy and Hulk Hogan engaging in hot gay sex in the style of an overly romanticized fanfic. It's way funnier that it sounds.
  • Token Minority: Sort of.
  • Younger Than They Sound: Mr. War Machine doesn't sound it, but he's actually the youngest member of the cast at 16 years old.
  • Youngsters

Noleafclover

The defacto leader of the group and former editor of the show from Maryland, No Leaf is often busy having a life with his girlfriend. He has two modes: he will often stay silent for long periods of time only interjecting with the occasional 'Bow-Chiki-Wow-Wow' in response to sexual innuends, or non-stop unfettered unmitigated fury and rage often reserved for the worst shows TNA has to offer.

  • All Men Are Perverts: Laments the fact that Charlie Sheen encouraged porn star Bree Olsen to quit the industry in an episode of "Faker than Pro Wrestling".
    • In the course of one show, No Leaf tries to avert this by referring to Layla not as hot, but as beautiful. Then, during the last segment of the show, he ends up saying Layla's wonderful cleavage gets more screen time than Jay Lethal.
  • Angry Black Man: YMMV though.
  • Berserk Button: Has a few.
    • Any time Michael Cole shows up on screen, No Leaf Clover is liable to groan loudly or explain in explicit detail why he hates him so much. Teefus, if present will reply "You're SUPPOSED to hate Cole!"
    • Also, never mention Tyler Perry on the show. Or Chris Brown for that matter.
    • Has threatened to fork people who insist on singing the song "Friday".
    • Pockets that serve no purpose.
    • Justin Bieber dating Selena Gomez. "IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!"
    • Most recently it's been Wrestlemania 28, The Rock winning over Cena and the squash match with D Bry.
  • Black and Nerdy
  • Catch Phrase: Bow Chicka Wow Wow
  • Follow the Leader: Often steals Teefus's catchphrase to comedic effect.
  • Hair-Trigger Temper
  • Selective Memory: Noleaf can never seem to remember Murphy's name; in his mind, there is only Gunner, and Gunner's Pal.
  • Sir Swearsalot
  • The Bus Came Back: Noleaf took a vacation due to burnout, but he kept interrupting shows he wasn't booked for to add his opinions, usually interrupting newcomer Megafighter.
  • Token Minority

Phoenix Justice

Another new member and proof along with Duos and Lone Warriors that there are girls on the internet.

Revolverman

Hailing from Prince George, British Columbia, Canada, Revolverman is one of the funniest Darkmatch members.

Subrick

He's fat, he's a drummer and he likes Coca-Cola, Subrick is never at loss for words. Responsible for breaking more than a few tangent counters, Subrick is a variable minefield of factoids which he's willing to shoe-horn into any review show.

  • Berserk Button: When Madison Rayne claimed that TNA has "the best women's division in the world", he proceeded to go insane, labeling Wrestlicious a better promotion than TNA.
    • The constant burial of the Divas of Doom is also a hot button issue for him. One particular instance of Natalya losing to Alicia Fox by roll up caused him to be in rant mode for pretty much the rest of the episode.
  • Motor Mouth: When something pisses him off, which also includes many a Cluster F-Bomb to boot.
  • The Bus Came Back: Subrick, after No Leaf Clover used the Space-Dimensions Kinetic Ylem Portal Expressway (or S.K.Y.P.E) in an attempt to rid reality of the Selena Gomez/Justin Bieber relationship.
  • The Snark Knight
  • Wall of Text: If you had to transcribe his tangents you would likely end up with one of these.
  • Younger Than They Sound: Inverted with Subrick, who sounds 26 despite being only 18.
  • Youngsters

Teefus

From Columbus, Ohio, Teefus is veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Certainly one of the more active members who has produced a number of side projects. His drinking skills are legendary, being the only person in history to attempt, and barely survive, the TNA drinking game (which we at the Darkmatch do not recommend anybody partake).

  • The Alcoholic: Just about pickled himself to death playing the TNA Drinking Game.
  • All-American Face: Defeated Evil Foreigner Revolverman in a Canada VS USA debate
  • Arch Enemy: Lars
  • But You Screw One Goat!: Teefus made a number of zoo related jokes during the review for the TNA episode with the two horses Jeff Jarret bought for Karen.
  • Catch Phrase: He says "I'm in the DANJA ZONE!" at seemingly random moments.
  • Cool Mask: Teefus has purchased on Sin Cara mask.
    • He's also recorded shows while wearing it, even though no one can see him.
  • Evil Laugh: Teefus has an evil cackle whenever trolling the other cast members.
  • Sir Swearsalot
  • The Snark Knight
  • Right-Hand-Cat: Teefus has a cat named Kali that appeared in the first non-regular review show, mocking TNA's bad parody of WWE's Undertaker promos. He openly would prefer a dog but she comes when he calls her.

Side Characters

Lars the TNA Mark

Backlash's Evil Twin A rabid TNA fanboy who believes that everything the company does is amazing and that WWE is terrible. May have been created by a Teleporter Accident, but No Leaf won't acknowledge or deny it. His obsession with both Duosangel and the TNA knockouts are legendary, as are his masturbation skills.

Megafighter: Hey Lars, is that Gail Kim topless?

  • Expy: His original name was Lester, which was changed due to No Leaf's Executive Meddling.
  • Evil Twin: It's unclear on whether Backlash and Lars are twins, or if they just look a lot a like and live in the same house.
  • Fan Boy: To TNA.
  • Hypocrite: He often contradicts himself several times within the same sentence.
  • Hypocritical Humor: Calls Teefus' out on his need for his mother to do his laundry. The next voice you hear is that of Lars' mother, demanding he do something.
  • Large Ham
  • Nice Hat: At least in Lars own mind, his TNA ballcap is cool.
  • No Indoor Voice
  • Pro Wrestling Is Real: Played with. Though you'd think he was a smark, it sometimes seems like can't tell the difference between what's real and what's kayfabe.
  • Speak of the Devil: Saying Lars' name three times will summon him, as Megafighter3 learned the hard way.
  • Very Punchable Man: Oh so much.
  • You Sexy Beast: Lars refers to himself as this...

Matt Hardy V8

Digi-Fox' Evil Twin. A being created by Dr. Magpie to do away with Digi-Fox and sink his review show. Matt Hardy V8 is somehow less crazy than the real life Matt Hardy, but is still a crazy bastard nonetheless with an undying craving for grapes.

Sam The Dog

Digi-Fox' faithful sidekick and Canine Companion. Is all too willing to give his opinions on the worst the wrestling industry has to offer and prove he's smarter than them.

  • A Boy And His Dog: Digi-Fox and Sam
  • Caligula's Horse: Digi-Fox' appointed co-host in the 'My Dog Sam' series.
  • Canada, Eh?
  • Canine Companion: Appeared in a short video called 'My Dog Sam Is Smarter Than Hogan, Bischoff, Carter, Jarrett and Russo' and can also be heard barking in certain episodes, much to the chagrin of the rest of the cast.
    • Sam's barks are usually met with a resounding "Hi Sam!" from the crowd.
  • The Silent Bob

Currently Non-Active Cast Members

Sinfonian

Former Cast Members

The Arrow

CMG Utopia

Matt the Paranoid Kat

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