Alternate History: The Series/Characters

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Crew of the MES Alternatehistory.com

Doctor What

Captain by default, a goofy screwball with a heart of gold. Obsessed with porn and lesbians, and porn of lesbians. Canadian.

Grey Wolf

Second-in-command, a perpetually drunken Englishman with a thing about genealogy and plush unicorns.

Landshark

Chief pilot and third-in-command. Spends most of his time snarking at the American crew members or taking part in an S&M relationship with Ironyuppie.

Ironyuppie

For much of the show's run, the only female crewmember. Terrifies most of the men. In a relationship with Landshark. Has a sex dungeon full of people they encounter on their voyages, occasionally added to.

Dave Howery

Chief engineer. Has a pathological hatred of Canada and an indestructible wiry beard.

G.Bone

Engineer and teleporter operator. Hawaiian.

Psychomeltdown

Engineer. Navajo Indian.

Michael

Engineer and security officer. Australian.

Flocculencio

General layabout and compatriot of Michael. Singaporean of Indian descent.

Matt

Weapons officer.

Weapon M

Head of security.

Thande

Ship's chemist.

GBW

Ship's operations officer.

Othniel

"Ensign and standard bearer", an evangelical Christian from Utah.

Hendryk

Quartermaster and Whatian Priest. Sinophile Frenchman.

DMA

Security and Orthodox Sheepist Priest. Australian.

Diamond

Optician, nurse, cartographer and Reformed Sheepist Priest. Also practices Pantslessness.

Luakel

Kit

Ship's operations officer. Gay Welshman.

Leo Caesius

The ship's computer, appearing both as a disembodied voice and incarnate in a robot body.

Other hangers-on

  • Big Creepy-Crawlies (subverted with The Mosquito, a giant mosquito born from a teleporter accident who is perfectly harmless - he's male, and only drinks nectar)
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed (subverted with Keira Knightley, a D&D Game World artificially created clone of the actress, who is referred to simply as "Keira Knightley")
  • Paper-Thin Disguise (Bobo, a flying brain with tentacles, was at once point stuffed into a Frankenstein body to impersonate Thande and none of the other crew noticed any difference)

Crew of the MES Counterfactual.net

Ward

Hard-bitten former admiral with a grudge against Doctor What and, indeed, most of the multiverse.

Grimm Reaper

Second-in-command and professional sadist. Dresses up as The Grim Reaper.

Merryprankster

Third-in-command, perpetually trying to take over.

Kilngirl

Fortyseven

Engineer and teleporter operator.

Romulus Augustulus

Security officer.

Dominusnovus

Faeelin

Ship's operations and communications.

Midgard

Assault leader.

Bulgaroktonos

Assault goon.

Darkslavik

Genetic weapons specialist.

Other recurring characters and groups

The Mirror Crew

Mirror Universe counterparts of the AH.commers.

The Germans

A group of German mercenaries, obsessed with politics and perpetually arguing.

The Pole Trolls

Enemies of the Germans, who infest the Wiki World (based on The Other Wiki) and seek to change reality to fit their views. Based on the large number of Polish trolls who have been known to spam alternatehistory.com's message board.

  • Anime Fan Boy (The Wikimasters, the incompetent rulers of the Wiki World, are universally of this type)
  • Improbable Weapon User (Human237, who steals Ironyuppie's sex toys to use as weapons)
  • Rewriting Reality
  • Verbal Tic (Their Armenian ally, Rafi, is unable to speak a sentence without the word "genocide")

The Lesbian Space Marines

Originating from a planet where all the men were killed by a virus. After acquiring shift-drive technology from the AH.commers, began expanding into other timelines.

The Administratum of Bankind

A Grimdark civilisation perpetually at war and consisting of countless hellish hive worlds and huge warships like gothic cathedrals, presided over by a dark religion dedicated to a a dead leader upon a great golden chair. Does This Remind You of Anything??

The Guild of Cartographers

Or Mappist Cabal, a group of elite mapmakers crewing the ship Mercator.

The King

Saviour, religious icon and ruler of a planet. Wears white suit, eats cheeseburgers, plays guitar, has quiff. Reminds me of someone, but can't quite think who...

Mike Collins

Powerful enemy of the Hub.

  • Big Bad (in early seasons)
  • The Starscream (in any episode involving him working for or teaming up with others)

The Alien Space Bats (ASB)

Enemies of the Hub, embodiments of chaos, and have been interfering with various timelines since at least Season 2.

The Hub of the Multiverse

A vast complex in its own dimension, a place where timelines intersect. The Pub in the Hub, Ouroboros, often features - it can be accessed from any bar in the multiverse through the door labelled 'Authorised Staff Only'. The Hub also contains docks for ships, huge shopping malls, and so on.