Anatomically-Impossible Sex

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
(Redirected from You Fail Sex Ed Forever)
"Thank god for virgin 13-year old females writing gay porn."
—America, Axis Powers Hetalia, "Buttsex: The Musical"

You would expect the people creating erotica to know how sex works, and yet, the movies often depict things that wouldn't really be enjoyable, should be done differently or are just plain weird. Sometimes this is usually done on purpose, to conform to what the audience wants to be true. Some of these are perfectly Acceptable Breaks From Reality, since such works caters to customers' sexual fantasies rather than reality and are intended to provide an arousing display of the participants rather than a strictly accurate depiction of the act.

In other words, Reality Is Unrealistic.

However, this also shows up in a lot of Fanfic because a lot of said fiction tends to be written by teenagers (or poorly-socialized adults) who don't know all that much about sex. It can also be an effect of Did Not Do the Research before writing about anatomy that the author lacks. Better to just use a Sexy Discretion Shot and call it a day.

Sadly, this trope sometimes pops up in works and speeches not clearly labelled as fiction: In Real Life, sex education fails you. The average high school sex ed course in many countries, especially the United States, is often so hilariously incomplete and inaccurate that it leaves you completely unsurprised that most students walk away knowing very little.

Compare with Hollywood Sex, where the sex is realistic in action but still more idealized than most sex in the real world. See Miss Conception, Technical Virgin, and But We Used a Condom for when characters are mis- or uninformed about sex facts.

No real life examples, please; since it's anatomically-impossible, real-life examples are by definition impossible.

Typical subtropes:

The common versions of this trope can be divided into three broad categories: exaggerations of reality, convenience tools, and completely impossible.

Convenience

These remove inconvenient bits of reality. Certain needs that actual sex would require, but would affect the pacing of the sex/story.

  • Implausible lubrication or complete lack thereof. Neither saliva nor plain water tend to dry too quickly. Oils can degrade latex. Other works use things that are sticky and tacky. [1]

Exaggerations

These are at least theoretically possible, but for them to happen in reality would require nigh-superhuman sexual capabilities and/or stamina. Also covers cases where they are very possible, but the frequency of their occurrence in the wild is exaggerated.

  • Doing it twice (in five minutes): Men tend to need a cool down period.
  • Excessive amounts of bodily fluid.
  • A virgin always bleeds: A very common and very old myth in real life, and thus it's no surprise that it turns up in many works of fiction as well.
  • All women are born with hymens, and a virgin always still has her hymen.
  • Inversely, a lot of pieces focusing on Their First Time or virginity as a fetish will neglect to mention any difficulties with the breaking of the hymen or bleeding or pain at all, or the woman in question is having so much fun she just gets over it without even taking a breather. Realistically, pain in such a tender spot can be a real show-stopper.
  • Female orgasm from penetration alone.
  • The Elusive Orgasm: Since the 1990s, it's become a fairly common sex joke in comedies (film, television, whatever the case may be) that a male partner in sex has extreme difficulty giving his female partner an orgasm.
  • Sperm as guided missiles: Typically in fiction, if a couple have unprotected sex, the woman is absolutely guaranteed to become pregnant. It doesn't work like this in real life, as anyone who knows people trying for a baby can probably guess. This is only if the pregnancy can be used for drama, though. Otherwise, you can and probably will have a million James Bond-type characters who go around having rampant sex with the Girl of the Week and never have to face a consequence.
  • Nothing smells, tastes bad, or is uncomfortable: Anything that would in Real Life is glossed over.
  • Everyone enjoys the same things: It's as true with sex as it is when it comes to pizza toppings.

Plain impossible

These are not physically or anatomically possible by any stretch. They represent imaginative fetishes at best, or just severe cases of not knowing how human bodies work at the worst.

  • Weird anatomy: Occasionally seen in hentai, and really common in fanfics written by virgins. This generally involves misplacing body parts or making them connect, stretch, or move in ways impossible in real life. Sometimes done on purpose in Sci Fi and Fantasy but otherwise generally a sign of either Artistic License or Did Not Do the Research.
  • Mistaken terminology: Many writers don't actually know what names correspond to which body parts. This can lead to weird anatomy as mentioned above. Most of it is a result of badly done sex education classes which result in writers not knowing the proper terms or assuming that everything down there is the same thing.
  • Bizarre comparisons: A staple of Purple Prose, this most likely is done for either romantic or erotic reasons.
  • Implausible positions: Many of these would dislocate some joints if performed in real life.
  • "Go fuck yourself": The euphemism turned literal.
Examples of Anatomically-Impossible Sex include:

Anime and Manga

  • There are many hentai and doujin that depict a woman being impaled with such vigor and with such an endowment that the penis can be seen bulging out of her stomach. The story Transcript From the Files of Jones, Schwartz, and Associates by Eulalie "Nequ" Quentin depicts it more realistically; the penis, just by being there, causes massive internal damage and kills the woman. Ouch.
  • In some tentacle hentais, the tentacle penis sometimes goes through the vagina and out of the mouth but for some reason the girl survives.
    • What about those that go through the anus and intestines, totally ignoring what comes in the way (digestion and... you know), and coming out of the mouth as if it went through nothing, also ignoring all the internal pain and potential internal damages caused on the victim?
      • It makes things worse when you consider how long the intestines are... and the small intestines are very small in diameter.
      • Also, note the lack of anything bursting out the far end of the body with the inserted object. Despite passing through the anal passage, large intestines, small intestines and the stomach. Those things ain't empty most of the time.
  • Gender Equals Breed... with tentacles or animals... And don't get me started on the birthing process.
  • Futari Ecchi has its share of Acceptable Breaks From Reality, but it does a Take That in chapter 156 against porn films for being unrealistic. Specific points that it addresses include:
    • Having actors/actresses play characters that are substantially different from them in age and experience level.
    • Making female masturbation look more common than it really is.
    • Having characters who are supposed to be shy and fearful virgins suddenly start behaving like aggressive experts.
    • Women starting to moan earlier on during intimacy than they really would.
    • The partners having limited body contact during sex (so that the woman's body can be filmed better).
    • Women in porn movies enjoying having semen sprayed in their face much more than most real women would.
  • Futanari hentai, plain and simple; particularly works that belong to the cock-growth subgenre. About the closest thing to IRL futanari possible is to perform some sort of clitoris enlargement so it serves as the girl's phallus. And no, transgender hentai doesn't count as futanari - futanari are true hermaphrodites in that they have both the female and male sexual organs as fully functional while transgender hentai is its own separate genre.

Fan Works

  • There exists a Futurama fanfic, which shall remain nameless, whose author believes that Rohypnol is a "sex drug" in the sense that it makes the drinker uncontrollably aroused, as opposed to knocking them out for easier raping. Obviously, its use leads to Rape Is Love. One wonders why the author didn't just have them use Torgo's Executive Powder for this.
  • Horrifically bad types of lubricant get used in Slash Fics. One instance that stands out involves melted sugar. Did the writer realize what temperature sugar melts at? Even if, by some miracle, they both weathered out the insane heat, it seems like the fact that it's going to feel essentially the same as sandpaper in a few minutes would put them off the idea. (Really, just watch a show on the Food Network about working with melted sugar. The people there will just go on about how it's basically like touching heated glass.)
    • Other fics have used peanut butter. It isn't even slippery in most cases!
    • A The Lord of the Rings Slash Fic involved honey. Honey. Honey isn't slippery, it's sticky. Another fic did this one worse, specifying that it was cold honey, overlooking the fact that that would make it extremely thick and viscous.
      • Similarly, another fanfic used chocolate syrup.
    • There are so many examples of this that some people have started playing Lube/Not Lube.
    • And there's FanFicRants, a LiveJournal community for collecting crazy examples.
    • Two separate entries on FanFicRants, months if not a couple of years apart, complained of fics featuring the use of glue as lubricant. Hopefully, they were talking about the same fic. One comm member's response was "OW MY PENIS ... I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PENIS AND YET OW MY PENIS".
    • A The Prince of Tennis fanfic had vodka used as lube. Even if it were slippery... the burn oh god the BURN.
    • And engine oil, as seen in one piece of otherwise quite good original erotic fiction, probably isn't a good idea either.
    • Speaking of which, there were rumors on the late Godawful Fanfiction's forums of a fic which used molten iron.
      • That seems closer to horror than erotica.
      • Iron melts at 2800 degrees Fahrenheit. Then again, it's difficult for a penis to cause pain if the penis (or indeed, most of the lower pelvis) no longer exists...
    • One otherwise unremarkable fic may have been intentionally making fun of the bad lube choices common in fanfic; two characters were having sex in a hospital bed, and grabbed what they thought was surgical gel to use as lube. Once they were done, they actually looked at the label: "What's Dermabond- OH CRAP!"
    • This is common enough in fanfic for the Protectors of the Plot Continuum' to have it as a charge.
    • In some Mass Effect porn fanfics, medi-gel is used as a lubricant. Mind you, medi-gel is meant to seal up open wounds. Sadly, no one's done a fanfic yet where they have to approach Mordin or Dr. Chakwas about dealing the results of such experimentation...
  • A Fullmetal Alchemist Slash Fic wherein one character's orgasm was described as "barely taking the edge off". Ladies, just because we don't come with much of a cool-down period ourselves...
  • A Kingdom Hearts Akuroku Slash Fic where an empty beer bottle was used as a dildo. A beer bottle. With little to no lubricant involved. (It's led to a variety of mocking icons, such as this one.)
    • Just in case anyone is thinking of doing this in real life, using any kind of unsealed empty container like a bottle as a dildo can create a vacuum pump effect that can cause a vaginal prolapse when it's withdrawn -- essentially turning her vagina inside out and leaving it dangling outside - needless to say this is a medical emergency and requires immediate hospitalisation.
    • And while on the topic of Kingdom Hearts badfic, who can forget LOL have a potion?
  • An Inuyasha fic mentioned on Weepingcock claimed that a character orgasmed five hundred and sixty-two times in three days. Someone worked out that that adds up to once every eight minutes, with no breaks to sleep. Even assuming that demons could possibly have more, er, physical stamina than humans and are physically capable of doing so, one assumes it would get boring after about the tenth time.
    • The erotic poetry of the troubadour Duke William IX of Aquitaine (grandfather of Elanor of Aquitaine) makes this Older Than Print. In one, a man pretends to be mute so that two women will have their way with him thinking he will be unable to tell anyone. His exploits involve a completely ridiculous number of encounters (188) with these women while they are all locked in an oven... but it is spread out over 41 days, meaning four or five times in a day. Much better than once every eight minutes, but still excessive when you keep doing it for that long.
  • There is a Star Wars Expanded Universe Luke/Mara fic called A Tangled Web that memorably lampshades this where Mara actually thinks during her first time, "She had done every athletic endeavor offered by Imperial Intelligence, trained in every form of hand-to-hand combat, rode every four-legged beast in the galaxy that a saddle could be thrown over and her damn hymen had still been intact. It wasn't fair."
  • An unnamed story referenced on FanFicRants had one memorable problem.

"Nonononono, vaginal secretions do not come out of the clitoris!"

  • The delightful Umineko: When They Cry fanfic Umineko: Memories of Umineko features the penis entering the clitoris. There are no words.
  • The Total Drama Island fic Heather's Lesbian Kisses has this legendary passage: "Heather then stretched her cheeks apart and stuffed Lindsay's vagina in the anus, and let Lindsay's cum shoot into Heather." The author of this, and several other So Bad It's Horrible Total Drama Island fan fictions seems to be a 12-year-old boy who's never even so much as glanced at a porno magazine in his life, because another of his works seems to imply that he believes girls have balls. (They sometimes can, but it seems unlikely that was what he meant.)
    • The author in question may be making them this bad on purpose, not so much from a twisted desire to be a real life John Norman urban legend as in a even more twisted show of appreciation of the infamous fanfic Artemis' Lover. (The link is to the MST of it, so the reader so brave as to read this does not suffer alone!)
  • There's a DragonForce Sam/Herman fanfic that fails on so very many levels. To summarize:
    • You can't get pregnant from oral sex. Especially not if you're a man. Not even if you have a "womb implant".
    • If you did get pregnant, you would not have morning sickness a few hours after the act.
    • If you pass out from hypoxia after fellating someone too hard, you're probably doing it wrong.
  • My Immortal: "We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)" Yes. Yes it is.
  • Hello, fellow Star Trek: The Original Series Slash Fic fans. In case you did not get the memo: K/S Pon Farr fics without lube are not hot. Actually, most if not all anal sex scenes without mentioning lube are wince worthy, but Pon Farr fics in a cave somewhere are especially squicky and wince-worthy.
    • Some of these fics Hand Wave the issue by saying that Vulcan penises are self-lubricating during pon farr (or occasionally all the time).
  • One thing both Slash Fic and many, many Furry Fandom smut works have in common is the complete absence of proper lube during anal sex, even when the receiving individual has never had sex in said fashion before. At least Furries tend to Hand Wave it with the "pitcher's" body producing a natural lube, or just out-and-out magic. Expect someone to think that "it'll never fit" and being surprised when It does.
    • The... "exit vector" in MPreg fics. This semi-parody of such fics (from the Harry Potter fandom) actually addresses it. The answer is both the back and the front; Harry's having twins. And even with a magical juice to make him stretch, it hurts like crazy. There was also an entry (may be NSFW) on the Character Blog of "Dr. Holiday Wednesday". Said doctor, a, ahem, natural dickgirl, slips into the bathroom and gives herself an enema.

Don't look so repulsed... you should be disgusted if I hadn't. I don't know which fantasy world porn stars live in, where one can instantly transubstantiate the contents of one's rectum into Astroglide the moment anal intercourse is proposed (Narnia, maybe?), but it's an awfully convenient place, isn't it? Here in the real world, we're stuck with basic hygiene.

  • Also on FanFicRants, there was an entry complaining about a fic which featured the use of a hot wax enema. One commenter said "Anyone who cannot see why this is a bad idea deserves to be made to test it".
  • Chocobo Nights. Everything in it.
  • The author of Passion Night was told by a reviewer that she needed to include lube. She did, but thought it was an activity, resulting in a worrying sentence about Sirius and Remus "having lube".
  • The Batquestion [dead link]: "So when they dyked out they rubbed their cunts together so hard their eggs touched and made embrio, and Kate got pregnint with baby girl!" As an added bonus, this author seems to believe that human beings are parthenogenetic. Although, to his credit, he got one thing right: "It wud have to be a gurl cause renee and kate both have only x and not y kromosimes."
  • There's a Sailor Moon fanfic where Minako gets impaled on a giant penis that goes up her butt, through her intestines, and finally emerges through her mouth.
  • There's a Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's yaoi fanfic[please verify] where Jack shoves a half-melted popsicle up Yusei's ass and uses it as lube.
  • Various fans' explanations [dead link] for the Mister Seahorse phenomenon:

"In a temporary uterus, which develops after the sperm enters the male's body and is re-absorbed into the body after birth. Suethor insisted that this is normal and happens in the real world in one out of three cases."

  • Oh. Ouch. Clearly the author in question has never even seen a penis...
    • This one is worse. Much worse.
    • As is this. A woman measuring 800-two-400? Inches? Gives a new meaning to the phrase "Impossible Hourglass Figure". For anyone wondering exactly what those numbers mean (in terms of size) that would be 66 2/3 feet-2 inches-33 1/3 feet. For those of us using metrics: 2032 cm-5.08 cm-1016 cm. As for diameter, that's roughly 21 feet-0.6 inches-10 feet, or 647 cm-1.6 cm-323 cm. To put it more simply, her redwood tree sized breasts are being supported by a waist the size of a sharpie and her hips are the size of a large tree.
      • Something along the same lines: this person seems to have never seen a woman (or at least a Night Elf woman) before.
    • And this.
  • And then she spermed.
  • One Teen Titans Beastboy/Raven humor fic (with a sequel) lampshades the ridiculous penis size when first, BB's penis measures at two feet. Later, he and Raven make love. Later still,, they are both amazed at him fitting - before shrugging it off as magic.
  • A Star Trek: Voyager fic features Janeway getting pregnant with Seven of Nine's child. Okay, this is fanfic, nothing weird about that. They determine that it was caused by their molecular patterns being temporarily merged in the transporter. Okay, this is Voyager, stupider things have happened in canon. The Doctor declares that the transporter accident left one of Seven of Nine's ova in Janeway's uterus, and that it merged with one of Janeway's ova, producing an embryo. Seriously? This is Voyager. Babble something about quantum or Borg nanites and then drop the issue.
    • That's actually a possible medical procedure that has been successfully performed on rats. It needs to be done deliberately, of course, but hey. Transporters do stranger stuff all the time.
      • It wouldn't work on humans without also jiggering the epigenetics of one set of chromosomes to make it look like it came from a male. There are a whole bunch of genetic disorders that occur in humans if they get both copies of a chromosome from the mother or the father. All of them being epigenetically tagged as female-sourced would be bad. (Given that this is a setting where species from entirely separate lines of evolution have no trouble reproducing with each other, this seems a small issue, but this is trope is this trope.)
  • Lampshaded in the Harry Potter fic This Means War] by Jeconais. Hermione is looking through a book for witches about sex advice. At one point, she remarks a certain position is quite anatomically impossible. A friend of hers states there is a handy spell to temporarily remove a thighbone.
  • One fic[please verify] claims that wet dreams are caused by having "too much sperm" and menstruation by "too much blood". Also, the author seemed to be under the impression that if a guy got aroused the only option to fix it was to go have sex ASAP. Why someone apparently unaware that masturbation exists was writing about sex in the first place is mildly confusing.
  • Doctor Who fandom has an alarming number of fans who fantasise and/or write about inserting the Sonic Screwdriver into one orifice or another. Which, if you've had any real experience of penetration, you'd probably find too uncomfortable to contemplate. There's a reason why very very few sex toys, even the kinky ones, have hard edges.
  • A Digimon fanfic[please verify] has the main character engaging in anal sex with her. Apparently he hits her prostate.
  • The Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic Just a Little Fun features the female characters inserting their breasts into each other's vaginas and anuses.

Film

  • Selene and Michael's infamously awkward sex scene in Underworld: Evolution. The way their bodies are positioned, Michael is basically making love to Selene's stomach, though they were sensible enough to Photoshop out his penis. This scene is particularly awkward when you realize that Kate Beckinsale is married to the director, who obviously would have been watching the whole time.
  • Similarly, the sex scenes in The Room seem to have some very... interesting positions. Lisa must enjoy having a penis in her belly button or against her knee.
  • During Jack and Ennis' first sexual encounter in Brokeback Mountain, Ennis simply applies a little saliva to his penis and starts plowing away... While saliva can be an effective anal lubricant, you'd need a lot of it, not just a little, and (as always with anal sex) be somewhat more careful -- rough cowboy or not.
    • Lampshaded by Joe Rogan on his CD Shiny Happy Jihad.

"There’s a scene where the guy spits on his dick and starts fucking the guy right in the ass. One stroke! Which is both rude and highly unrealistic. What kind of a message are we sending to the children? If a guy can stick his dick in his ass that quickly, you need to get down from that mountain and go seek a doctor immediately. Your insides are going to fall out of your butt hole sir."

    • Only if you insist on believing that was anal sex instead of, well, "dry humping".
    • At least according to the short story the film was based off it was indeed anal sex....
  • A lot of movies have the characters thinking that interrupted intercourse (the guy pulling out before ejaculating) is a good, safe way to prevent pregnancy... it is not (though it's not as ineffectual as many of us have been led to believe). This goes along with the misconception that condoms fail all the time -- when used properly they are, in fact, one of the best ways to prevent both pregnancies and STDs.
    • In addition, coitus interruptus, condoms, the pill and very occasionally the diaphragm are treated as the only contraceptives available, even in actual Sex Ed scenes. The Depo-Provera shot and contraceptive implants are rarely mentioned. This may be because writers don't have any reason to keep up with current trends in contraception, or because a set-and-forget, 99.9% effective contraception rules out a lot of potential plotlines.
    • A lot of people seem to forget that it isn't really that easy for guys to pull out at climax for... well, obvious reasons.
  • No two people have ever had sex as seen in the Showgirls pool scene. You'd drown, or the man would suffer serious injury. Not to mention that she seems to be grinding against his belly button.
  • In Pleasantville the character Betty, who has literally zero sexual experience, manages to give herself an orgasm in under two minutes. Quite unlikely to say the least. But I suppose the Moral Guardians would have vetoed a longer scene.
    • Also, women generally don't set trees on fire with their orgasms.
  • Deep Throat‍'‍s Artistic License Biology, with a woman who has a clitoris in her throat.

Literature

  • Lampshaded in Terry Pratchett's Pyramids. While watching obscene tattoos on a large sailor's arms, Ptraci recognizes the scenes depicted and comments that one of them is "anatomically impossible".
    • Later, his entire tattooed back is used by the Mistress of the Women as a lesson guide in erotic history for the Pharaoh's harem.
  • Necroscope uses this trope seriously and beautifully. The shapeshifting vampires of the series often have sex that involves transforming themselves into massive, heaving conglomerations of Body Horror. They sometimes eat their victims in this fashion, but not with their mouths.
  • The "virgins have an unbroken hymen" idea is explored in A Song of Ice and Fire. It seems to be commonly believed. But Cersei notes that Margaery, being very fond of horse-riding, most likely broke her hymen for perfectly innocent reasons -- not that it stops her from framing Margaery as an adulteress with this as evidence (she's married to a seven-year old).
  • The part about the broken hymen is averted in Spine of The World -- a girl who slept with a man other than her fiancée doesn't think it will raise any suspicion with all the physical activities of village girls. Pregnancy, on the other hand...
  • In-Universe example: In The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan, a middle-school-age Ruth believes that she will be pregnant by her neighbor because she sat on the toilet after he left pee on the seat. Her friend told her that men pee inside you when you have sex.
  • The Marquis de Sade's Philosophy in the Bedroom on multiple levels.
    • First, the men never seem to need refractory periods, unless that's what the long anti-religion and anti-law speeches are for (though they probably aren't, the book being what it is).
    • Next, the experienced characters reassure the young virgin they're "educating" that anal sex is less painful than vaginal sex. No one ever uses any lubricant, even though anal sex is the characters' favorite activity.
    • The gay libertine, to whom the male readers are supposed to aspire, has an extremely biologically unsound and male-chauvinistic interpretation of pregnancy (compare Apollo's diatribe in Eumenides), with which the female characters agree.
    • The female libertine's boy toy literally has a fourteen-inch penis, which the gay libertine considers a marker of desirability.
    • Finally, some of the positions described seem difficult to accomplish, perhaps even impossible.
      • Perhaps it should be reminded at this point that the book is a satire, and that the good Marquis was probably heartily chuckling thinking anyone unfortunate enough to try and follow its advice to the letter.
  • To follow, there are many many things wrong with the Marquis De Sade's Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom... and unfortunately not all of them fall under this trope. The sheer volume of rape, torture and murder really doesn't have anything much to do with it.
    • The word "sadism" is from this guy's name. ("Masochism" is also derived from an author's name).
  • The Anita Blake series:
    • The soap-as-lube rape scene.
    • The vampire whose penis is literally the size of a 2-liter soda pop bottle (and he's considered merely well-endowed, not a freak of nature).
    • Anita, who is supposedly so tiny and petite, lecturing her freakishly-endowed boyfriend about how her, um, netherbits are capacious enough that his size doesn't bother her. Yeah, maybe if she's had her intestines removed.
    • Jean-Claude at one point mentions that "I can enter every orifice of [Anita's] body with every part of me." It is never addressed whether this includes noses and ears. (Or eyes...)
  • The Merry Gentry series has a character becoming pregnant through oral sex.
    • Also, apparently lesbian sex can result in a pregnancy. Who knew?
    • These are perhaps justified by the presence of weird metaphysics interrupting the vast majority of sex scenes in the books.
    • There's also the magical pregnancy that has twins who each have three different fathers. The only explanation that really makes sense with anything involve sex in the series is that A Wizard Did It.
  • In Geoff Ryman's novel Air, the protagonist becomes pregnant by swallowing semen and menstrual blood in the same night, then carries the baby to term. In her stomach.
  • Sir Arthur C. Clarke's novel Imperial Earth includes a moment where the male protagonist first tries honey and decides it tastes just like his old girlfriend's vulva. Unless she was diabetic, this seems unlikely...
  • An amusing in-universe example occurs in Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, where Maggie avoids sex with her priest husband by telling him she's "unclean" (ie. menstruating). He's so clueless about female biology he never questions the claim that she's been in this state for several years.
  • Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted has a doozy. Tacked on at the end of the short story "Gut" is the narrator's claim that after his horrific masturbation-induced accident in a swimming pool, his little sister became pregnant. Smart Bitch Candy lists the reasons why this is silly, concluding with, "Unless the sister liked to swim nude while douching herself with spermed-up swimming pool water, I find it difficult to believe that what few swimmers remained were hardy enough to penetrate her swimming suit and make it all the way to her uterus." Then again, the character doesn't necessarily know that, and it was never confirmed that the baby was his as she had it aborted and the family never mentioned it again.

Live-Action TV

  • The final episode of the second season of The IT Crowd featured Douglas accidentally drinking a "love potion," intended for Jen, which actually turned out to be Rohypnol. Douglas became extremely aroused and chased Moss and Roy around his office.
    • Lampshaded in the third season, when a voice-over recapping the events in question pointed out that Rohypnol "would really only make you sleepy."
  • The Good Place
    • One running gag involves the fact that Janet, being an afterlife assistant with a humanoid form, cannot have sex. Not for lack of trying; after she and Jason get married, they attempt to experiment with different positions and show Eleanor a diagram. Given her expression, even the horny Eleanor isn't sure how some of the positions are possible.
    • Janet later makes Derrick, a rebound boyfriend after Eleanor suggests that she seek a rebound to deal with Jason dating Tahani. Derrick, being Janet's first creation, doesn't have a penis, only a windchime. When they later gift him to Mindy of the Medium Place along with the cocaine she requested, she smiles and says she can work with a windchime instead of a penis. No, we don't get details but Derrick is thrilled to lose his virginity in the next episode. He does later get a proper penis, and sex toys, after Mindy reboots him several hundred times out of boredom.

Video Games

  • The Atari 2600 game Beat'Em and Eat'Em featured an example so blatant it had to be parody: The game is about a guy masturbating and two player-controlled women trying to catch what was supposed to be his semen in their mouths. From the game's manual: "...if you miss, shame on you. After all, it could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." Yeah...

Web Comics

Web Original

  • Believe it or not, there's one place on the Intarwebz where this trope gets averted, and pretty damn hard, too: Beautiful Agony. According to some interviews with the site's founders, the whole point of them creating the site was to avert this trope. The site contains videos of real people orgasming, mostly via masturbation. The uploaders also film themselves only from the neck up, and many of them still have their clothes on.
  • Cracked has the article "9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences)" discuss this.
  • A significant proportion of Weepingcock posts are about this trope. The other posts are about interesting typos in sex scenes, highly unusual fetishes (we're talking fetishizing the thought of drinking-ale-that-has-been-used-for-an-enema levels of unusual), seriously cracked exclamations ("Oh JEBEFEEFESUS!"), unintentionally strange descriptions (comparing a woman's vagina to "goo running out of a large sewer pipe" will not endear you to your female readers), and bizarre combinations of all five.
  • On The Nifty Archive (a huge archive of gay-themed erotic fiction), there is one story called "Seduction Folly" about two gay men having sex for the first time -- only to discover that semen is an acquired taste and how painful anal sex can be. The parody is driven home by contrasting a stereotypical first-time porn story and what's really going on. The author got emails from Real Life gay men saying how true the story rang.
    • The parody was effective because most stories on Nifty play this trope as straight as an arrow, due the writers often typing one-handed.
  • "Butt Confidential" sex ed for Slash writers.

Western Animation

  • Futurama
    • "The Butterjunk Effect" shows Fry being coated in male butterfly hormones when helping Amy and Leela acquire more nectar for their next Butterfly Derby match. As a result, they both become addicted to him and start kissing him, to Fry's delight and Kif's discomfort. Professor Farnsworth reveals the nectar is slowly turning the girls into butterflies, and forces them to go on withdrawal. Somehow this nectar also turns Fry into a giant butterfly, leading to him having an orgy with the girls in the climax. The camera doesn't show the details, but the Derby audience is disgusted. Thankfully, the butterfly form is temporary.
  • Rick and Morty: A few of Rick's exes and paramours are not human:
    • It's explained in a squicky fashion with Unity, a Hive Mind that takes over planet populations and removes their free will. Unity uses different aliens that she possesses to have sex with Rick. Summer is naturally grossed out by this, pointing out that Unity has removed the individuals' ability to give consent, and attempts to free some of them. And yes, if Unity is drunk, drugged or strung on caffeine, it will manifest in the beings that she possesses.
    • In a season four episode, Rick's paramour Gaia is a planet, who claims that Rick impregnated her with thousands of children. The babies start emerging from a planet. Rick derails Jerry's plans for a normal camping trip when Beth guilts him about potentially abandoning her half-siblings. Turns out Gaia was lying and Zeus the Greek God is the actual father, but Rick has canonically "fucked a planet" in Jerry's words. We don't get details, mercifully.

Real Life

  • Possibly averted with one bizarre act: ever been told to go Screw Yourself? If you're a very flexible male contortionist, you might be able to auto-fellate. So far, however, no female equivalent has ever been confirmed to be possible.
    • From personal experience, you don't have to be a "very flexible male contortionist" - just young and/or slightly bendy and/or larger than average. Also, it's possible for a man to fuck himself.
    • Female oral self-pleasuring (also known as an autocunnilingus), the Distaff Counterpart of the autofellatio, is actually possible, just a bit hard to realize since there's no extra length that the penis covers in men, meaning girls actually have to bend further and tighter to chew away. Most of the time the flexibility required is at least a few years of stretch exercises and/or yoga.
  • Some of the poses struck during sex are about as close to this as is anatomically possible. The clamshell is a well-known example of a bendy pose that requires some serious core flexibility: the girl has to push her legs up and behind her own head so the head rests on her own feet, after which she has to place her hands on her own ass so she doesn't unfold too soon. This is much easier said than done, as the body must be maintained tightly in this unnatural pose while also feeling the strong contractions of sexual pleasure, and it's not uncommon that even well-trained women last barely a few minutes in the position before having to unfold and ease the muscle pressure.
  1. ↑ in both senses of the word
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