Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S Is a Forum-based Script Fic based on the background of Warhammer 40,000 (and its many plot holes) created by Warseer Forum member Lastie, affectionately refered to as the Chaos God-Emperor of Fankind by his more devout fans. He has built up a rather large cult following on Warseer forum, referring to themselves as the '=L= Inquisition' or 'Linquisition' in a parody of the Imperial Inquisition.

Originally started as a humourous answer to a serious question by a completely unrelated poster ("Do the daemon Primarchs still hang out?"), the one-shot story lit a conflagration and soon the thread had to be moved because it was WAY off topic. Lastie went on to post over 200 chapters of the Primarchs' adventures over the course of 3 arcs, gathering a series of spin-offs as time went on, each with their own takes on the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S altered universe. These included Chief L Rome's "Favoured Moments" and FarseerMatt's Eldar MST, which eventually had their own mini-story running in the background. Forum member BladeWolf even went so far as to write a complete homage fanfic.

The P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S story begins with the titular super soldiers getting together in a pub in the Eye of Terror, and bemoaning the fact that they never get coverage in the official Games Workshop background any more. Uniting under their father the Emperor Emperor of Mankind!, the disfunctional family resolve to strike back at the forces of Retcon that are ruining their grimdark universe, and to do this by defeating the gratuitously-shoehorned C'tan and putting them back in their place. Things get worse, however, when they discover that the C'tan have nothing less than a full-blown Genre Shift on their minds, and are planning to sell the 40K franchise to another company who want to Japanify it into something more marketable to kids (cue cameo by Aerith of Final Fantasy fame, among others). By a VERY circuitous route, and picking up many secondary characters along the way, the Primarchs eventually collect the Plot Coupons they need to access the laptop of GW fluff-writer Alan Merrett. A final battle with the C'tan to decide the future of the 40K franchise follows...

After the conclusion of the Retcon arc, the 18 canon Primarchs are reunited with their 2 missing siblings - Carl, who was too lazy to lead his space marine legion in the Great Crusade, and Hecate, who was forcibly removed due to fan rage at the concept of female space marines. But a new threat looms, for despite the grimdark of their universe being restored, the constant retconning of background has left the franchise rife with inconsistencies. An Eldritch Abomination known only as the Plot Hole is now invading - after chewing its way through other universes such as World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, Star Wars and Harry Potter - and has an army of characters from these devoured franchises at its disposal. Martialing their own forces, the Primarchs meet the new enemy head on with all the subtlety you can expect from a team of God Mode Sues. Highlights include time travel, Alpharius privatising the Tau Empire, and Horus hitting the Death Star with a baseball bat (yes, that Death Star). But against an enemy that can rewrite the story to its own advantage, how can the Primarchs prevail? Why, with the Tome of Tropes of course. Against a creature that devours Canon (making Alan Merrett's laptop useless), it seems that Fanon is the best weapon. And so the stage is set for a grand multi-universe showdown between our heroes and the forces of the Plot Hole. Eventually, the Anthropomorphic Personification of bad writing is defeated, but the only way the Primarchs can salvage the mess left behind is to DELETE THE LAST 80 CHAPTERS OF THE STORY, much to the Narrator's chagrin.

But despite this Snap Back, this is not the end of the Primarchs' troubles, as evinced by a series of workers' strikes and by rebellion on Holy Terra itself. The Primarchs are baffled enough that worker's unions have even come to exist in their crapsack universe, but it turns out they have been inspired by the Lighter and Softer ideals of Lion'el Jonson's ex-girlfriend Aerith. There follows another series of extremely random adventures, during which Eldrad goes so far as to enlist the help of Canon Foreigners from other posters in Lastie's thread. It turns out that Aerith is none other than the Plot Hole returned; while the Primarchs used fanon to plug the gaps in their main narrative, their satellite franchises are still rife with bad writing, allowing the Plot Hole to return at the head of the Blood Ravens from Dawn of War. This revelation culminates in (yet another) Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. The third arc ends on a massive cliffhanger with Eldrad screwing over the Primarchs at the last minute because one of the Canon Immigrants refused to have sex with him, resulting in the Plot Hole's apparent victory and the Primarchs being scattered throughout time and space (and other franchises).

Shortly after this the original thread was closed due to the actions of an over-zealous mod, however a couple of folks on FF.net have begun re-posting Lastie's work, albeit without the forum-signature different colored text for Gods. Read the AWESOME and WIN here (complete, but single chapters) or here (incomplete, 10 chapters at a go).

Meanwhile, Lastie herself has not been idle and the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S fourth arc is now underway here. In the absence of the Emperor and his Primarchs, Malcador and Eldrad have joined forces to turn the 40K universe into somewhere you might actually want to live, but a crisis develops when Eldrad merges with the Plot Hole and sets out to take control of the narrative. Luckily the Primarchs choose this moment to return (via a Hand Wave) and restore some Grimdark to the setting, but it seems that once again they cannot stay united in their cause...

Tropes used in P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S include:

Horus: Yes ... I am Warmaster ... I was not made for peace ... I was not made for the world my father saw ... my world is in endless bloodshed ... my world is the crucible of war ... my world is the grim darkness of the far future ...
I am Horus, Warmaster of Chaos. I bow to none but lords of war. Where my blade falls, death follows. Where my blade points; legions conquer. Dark has my dreams been of late, filled with moral values and family-friendly entertainment. No longer will this plague my domain! The grim darkness of the far future shall return, by my command!

  • Basement Dweller: Carl
  • Big Bad: The Plot Hole from arc 2 onwards.
  • Brother-Sister Incest: One very weird scene involving Rogal Dorn and his Fanon sister, Hecate. Copped out by the fact that it was a Callidus Assassin in disguise, but...well...read Rogal's words yourself here
  • The Cameo: C S Goto "guest narrates" one chapter. Several other authors appear (in the style of Final Fantasy summonings) during the battle against the Nightbringer.

Pete Haines: "You are not Iron Warriors. Prepare for the Nerfhammer!"
Dan Abnett: "I choose YOU as my shock death of the book!"

  • Canon Discontinuity: Technically, the entire second arc. Made so by the characters themselves.
  • Canon Immigrant: Farseer Kyli.
  • Catch Phrase: The Emperor: "Rejected!"
  • Chainmail Bikini: Hecate's armor somehow combines this with Power Armor. The Narrator advises us not to ask how that works.
  • Chekhov's Gun: All the time. For a Crack Fic, Lastie likes to use a lot of plot twists and Foreshadowing.
  • Color-Coded for Your Convenience: Especially important characters such as the Emperor and the Chaos Gods get their lines in different-coloured text.
  • Crack Fic: And how!
  • Crossover: Most notably with World of Warcraft, but Final Fantasy, StarCraft and Warhammer Fantasy Battle also feature. Not to mention the dozens of universes that become involved in the Plot Hole arc.
  • Curb Stomp Battle: "I win. GG"
  • Deadpan Snarker: Almost everybody at some point or other.
  • Depraved Bisexual: Asdrubael Vect, to the point that being raped by him is considered a rite of passage in this universe.
  • Emo Teen: Mortarion. He even writes poetry.
    • Corax as well. He's even referred as "Emo boy mk II."
    • And Conrad Curze, though this is more apparent in his Night Haunter persona in the second arc.
  • Everyone Is Bi: The Eldar (or at least, the ones from Ulthwe), according to Vect. On the other hand, this is coming from the guy who thinks it's consensual if you shout "surprise!" beforehand.
  • Even the Guys Want Him: Subverted with Slaanesh, whom Even The Girls Want. And inverted with Vect, who is after everyone, regardless of gender, race, age, or anything else.
  • Executive Meddling: The original thread is currently "removed for investigation" due to alleged spam (however, the full script is still available from the links given above).
  • Failed a Spot Check: Lampshaded when the Primarchs have a "random encounter" with some daemons on their way to meet Abbadon.
  • Fanfic: Pretty much what this is.
    • Also there are Fan Fics of the Fan Fic.
      • That's just plain unholy.
  • A Fate Worse Than Death: Played for laughs in what various characters consider this to be. A common one is to have to read the Dawn of War omnibus.
  • Face Heel Turn: Of all people, THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND! in the second arc. He comes back though.
    • Also Lion'el Jonson in the Dawn of War arc.
    • And Robute Guilleman (briefly) in the Retcon arc. His decision comes back to bite him in the arse in a decidedly squicky manner.
    • Eldrad in the Lords of Canon arc - that is, if he counted as a good guy to begin with.
    • Face Heel Mole: Konrad Curze in the Plot Hole arc.
  • Genre Savvy: Sometimes dangerously so, sometimes wrong, and at least as often Too Dumb to Live.
  • Groin Attack: The first thing Hecate does to Horus when she's introduced. With a sword, no less. A lot of male pain is passed around.
  • Hannibal Lecture: The Lich King gives one to the EMPEROR OF MANKIND!, taunting him with how much his Imperium has strayed from his vision. Subverted when the Emperor actually turns evil, and a bewildered Arthas admits he was just trying mess with him.
  • Hostile Show Takeover
  • Hypocritical Humour: Duh.
  • I Know You Know I Know: Between Eldrad Ulthran and Conrad Curze/Night Haunter, culminating in Night Haunter revealing that Eldrad himself has been replaced by one of his servants.
  • Insane Troll Logic
  • Instant Fanclub: The =L= ("Fail begets retribution!")
  • Interactive Narrator
  • Jive Turkey: Robute Guilleman.
    • The rest of his chapter happily follows suit.
  • Large Ham: Often lampshaded by another character.
  • Lampshade Hanging: On an epic scale, and no small amount of Deconstruction as well.
    • Not surprising when one of the plot arcs revolves around the acquisition of "the Tome of Tropes".
  • Lemony Narrator: Lastie often snarks and argues with his characters.
  • Loads and Loads of Characters
  • Master of Disguise: Alpharius again (see above spoiler). Taken to fourth-wall-breaking levels even from his first introduction, where he reveals himself by climbing down from the banner at the top of the webpage the story is typed on.
  • Medium Awareness: Most of the characters, including one very memorable battle against the Nightbringer where they throw dice at each other. At the end of that same battle, Tech-priest Fred even opens her hand to reveal a D6 showing a 1, announces she has failed her armour save, and keels over dead.
  • MST: Both FarseerMatt and Lord Crull provided light-hearted analysis of the story's more funny or ridiculous moments, although to prevent spamming of the main thread said MSTs have been moved to the Lastie's Brotherhood fan page.
  • My Significance Sense Is Tingling:

Roboute Guiliman: I felt a great disturbance in the Force ... as if a thousand voices cried out in anger and were silenced by my awesome style.

Lorgar (to Horus): Sometimes I'm not sure when you're acting dumb, or when you want me to think you're acting dumb ...

Asdrubael Vect: Rocking back and forth "Can't sleep, kittens will cuddle me...can't sleep, kittens will cuddle me..."