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Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.
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Revision as of 20:52, 17 August 2017

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S Is a Forum-based Script Fic based on the background of Warhammer 40,000 (and its many plot holes) created by Warseer Forum member Lastie, affectionately refered to as the Chaos God-Emperor of Fankind by his more devout fans. He has built up a rather large cult following on Warseer forum, referring to themselves as the '=L= Inquisition' or 'Linquisition' in a parody of the Imperial Inquisition.

Originally started as a humourous answer to a serious question by a completely unrelated poster ("Do the daemon Primarchs still hang out?"), the one-shot story lit a conflagration and soon the thread had to be moved because it was WAY off topic. Lastie went on to post over 200 chapters of the Primarchs' adventures over the course of 3 arcs, gathering a series of spin-offs as time went on, each with their own takes on the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S altered universe. These included Chief L Rome's "Favoured Moments" and FarseerMatt's Eldar MST, which eventually had their own mini-story running in the background. Forum member BladeWolf even went so far as to write a complete homage fanfic.

The P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S story begins with the titular super soldiers getting together in a pub in the Eye of Terror, and bemoaning the fact that they never get coverage in the official Games Workshop background any more. Uniting under their father the Emperor Emperor of Mankind!, the disfunctional family resolve to strike back at the forces of Retcon that are ruining their grimdark universe, and to do this by defeating the gratuitously-shoehorned C'tan and putting them back in their place. Things get worse, however, when they discover that the C'tan have nothing less than a full-blown Genre Shift on their minds, and are planning to sell the 40K franchise to another company who want to Japanify it into something more marketable to kids (cue cameo by Aerith of Final Fantasy fame, among others). By a VERY circuitous route, and picking up many secondary characters along the way, the Primarchs eventually collect the Plot Coupons they need to access the laptop of GW fluff-writer Alan Merrett. A final battle with the C'tan to decide the future of the 40K franchise follows...

After the conclusion of the Retcon arc, the 18 canon Primarchs are reunited with their 2 missing siblings - Carl, who was too lazy to lead his space marine legion in the Great Crusade, and Hecate, who was forcibly removed due to fan rage at the concept of female space marines. But a new threat looms, for despite the grimdark of their universe being restored, the constant retconning of background has left the franchise rife with inconsistencies. An Eldritch Abomination known only as the Plot Hole is now invading - after chewing its way through other universes such as World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, Star Wars and Harry Potter - and has an army of characters from these devoured franchises at its disposal. Martialing their own forces, the Primarchs meet the new enemy head on with all the subtlety you can expect from a team of God Mode Sues. Highlights include time travel, Alpharius privatising the Tau Empire, and Horus hitting the Death Star with a baseball bat (yes, that Death Star). But against an enemy that can rewrite the story to its own advantage, how can the Primarchs prevail? Why, with the Tome of Tropes of course. Against a creature that devours Canon (making Alan Merrett's laptop useless), it seems that Fanon is the best weapon. And so the stage is set for a grand multi-universe showdown between our heroes and the forces of the Plot Hole. Eventually, the Anthropomorphic Personification of bad writing is defeated, but the only way the Primarchs can salvage the mess left behind is to DELETE THE LAST 80 CHAPTERS OF THE STORY, much to the Narrator's chagrin.

But despite this Snap Back, this is not the end of the Primarchs' troubles, as evinced by a series of workers' strikes and by rebellion on Holy Terra itself. The Primarchs are baffled enough that worker's unions have even come to exist in their crapsack universe, but it turns out they have been inspired by the Lighter and Softer ideals of Lion'el Jonson's ex-girlfriend Aerith. There follows another series of extremely random adventures, during which Eldrad goes so far as to enlist the help of Canon Foreigners from other posters in Lastie's thread. It turns out that Aerith is none other than the Plot Hole returned; while the Primarchs used fanon to plug the gaps in their main narrative, their satellite franchises are still rife with bad writing, allowing the Plot Hole to return at the head of the Blood Ravens from Dawn of War. This revelation culminates in (yet another) Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. The third arc ends on a massive cliffhanger with Eldrad screwing over the Primarchs at the last minute because one of the Canon Immigrants refused to have sex with him, resulting in the Plot Hole's apparent victory and the Primarchs being scattered throughout time and space (and other franchises).

Shortly after this the original thread was closed due to the actions of an over-zealous mod, however a couple of folks on FF.net have begun re-posting Lastie's work, albeit without the forum-signature different colored text for Gods. Read the AWESOME and WIN here (complete, but single chapters) or here (incomplete, 10 chapters at a go).

Meanwhile, Lastie herself has not been idle and the P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S fourth arc is now underway here. In the absence of the Emperor and his Primarchs, Malcador and Eldrad have joined forces to turn the 40K universe into somewhere you might actually want to live, but a crisis develops when Eldrad merges with the Plot Hole and sets out to take control of the narrative. Luckily the Primarchs choose this moment to return (via a Hand Wave) and restore some Grimdark to the setting, but it seems that once again they cannot stay united in their cause...

Tropes used in P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S include:

Horus: Yes ... I am Warmaster ... I was not made for peace ... I was not made for the world my father saw ... my world is in endless bloodshed ... my world is the crucible of war ... my world is the grim darkness of the far future ...
I am Horus, Warmaster of Chaos. I bow to none but lords of war. Where my blade falls, death follows. Where my blade points; legions conquer. Dark has my dreams been of late, filled with moral values and family-friendly entertainment. No longer will this plague my domain! The grim darkness of the far future shall return, by my command!

  • Basement Dweller: Carl
  • Big Bad: The Plot Hole from arc 2 onwards.
  • Brother-Sister Incest: One very weird scene involving Rogal Dorn and his Fanon sister, Hecate. Copped out by the fact that it was a Callidus Assassin in disguise, but...well...read Rogal's words yourself here
  • The Cameo: C S Goto "guest narrates" one chapter. Several other authors appear (in the style of Final Fantasy summonings) during the battle against the Nightbringer.

Pete Haines: "You are not Iron Warriors. Prepare for the Nerfhammer!"
Dan Abnett: "I choose YOU as my shock death of the book!"

Roboute Guiliman: I felt a great disturbance in the Force ... as if a thousand voices cried out in anger and were silenced by my awesome style.

Lorgar (to Horus): Sometimes I'm not sure when you're acting dumb, or when you want me to think you're acting dumb ...

Asdrubael Vect: Rocking back and forth "Can't sleep, kittens will cuddle me...can't sleep, kittens will cuddle me..."

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