Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals

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Hm interesting i can use this broken hitrent as a boost for my tank witch Wil then make me abel to fly using rocket boosters so i can go to forrest and figt the vampers and live up to my organizaton name and UNLEESH HECK on the badguys of corse witch is why my last name is badguy aktualy it is not the reeson why but i do not rilly follow my family name i am aktualy a goodguy but for why im caled badguy is my family name; and i have bad past with my family who iis real badguy and gav me a badtime and showd he was badguy on me during the time i had in the past way back dering the past when i was kid but that aanother story taht I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT RIT NOW. —Alucard, chapter 1

Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals (which is a Stylistic Suck rendering of Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles) is the third installment to the SBIG series by Great Pikmin Fan and the first one longer than a one-shot to be completed. Unlike its other installments, this one actually follows the story of the original canon at first before slowly turning into an unusual adventure.

Alucard Badguy is a powerful vampire who kills other, evil vampires by the word of Integra Heck. Then, one fatefull night during an attack of a forest, he ends up needing to do an Emergency Transformation to Seras Victoria. Finding out that the vampire who caused this was a part of a former co-organization Heavensing, Integra then sends Alucard and the newly vamperized Seras to "SERCH AND DESTROY TOES TRADERS." After a short battle, a spell that was keeping out all non-Hecksing or Heavensing vampires is broken with the death of Heavensing's leader... Ned Flanders (yes, you read that right), who commited suicide after Alucard killed his lover Father Alexander Anderson (yes, you read that right too). With this spell broken, the mysterious Millennium are now free to wreak havoc (or, rather, UNLEESH HECK [sic]) on the United Kingdoms of London. For most of the following chapters, Hecksing has to foil the various plans of the Millennium.

Also involved is a martian rockster Parody Stu, Carl, who's a blatant parody of Charlie Sheen, the Major crossdressing as a part of a Show Within a Show, a giant, mutaint Homer Simpson, a giant, non-mutaint David Hasselhoff, and Rip Van Winkle becoming an overly sexualized Ms. Fanservice.

The entire fanfic can be read here on Fanfiction.net.

Tropes used in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals include:

• Acrofatic: Major can appearantly run up walls, do improbable backflips, and dodge exploding bullets, as he does in chapter 11.
• Aerith and Bob: Hecksing consists of, at one point or another, Integra, Seras, Alucard, Rip, Zorin, Kamina, and... Carl.
• Affectionate Parody: It starts out as a parody of badly written Total Drama fan fics. Later chapters still carry (unintentional) elements of this, though not nearly as much.
• All Men Are Perverts: Carl, Quimby, and side character John Egbert (and/or his character in a Show Within a Show) show this. Carl is constantly hitting on every woman we sees, Quimby is an outright womanizer, and John's character peeks up the skirt of Jade's character during said show.
• Anticlimax: It would be easier to list which battles aren't: Zorin and Rip vs Seras and Carl; Seras, Zorin, and Rip vs Walter; and Hecksing vs Lawyer Guy. Perhaps the worst by far is Hecksing vs Hitler.
• Anyone Can Die: Unless either your name is Carl or you have "nice boos." Though if you count becoming a vampire/familiar as a death, then every major character has died at one point in the story.
• Artistic License Geography: Invoked. England is reffered to as the "United Kingdoms of London," and in early chapter 8 (it changes and gets ret-conned mid-chapter, oddly) the author belives that the Grand Canyon was a part of Germany.
• Author Appeal: Great Pikmin Fan likes Total Drama, Homestuck (starting after he published chapter 4), and as his username implies Pikmin. Let's just leave it at that. The sexual variant of this trope is parodied with Rip.
• Ass Pull: Invoked with the Pikmin in chapter 10. Just where did they come from?
• Babies Ever After: Averted for Hecksing. Played strait with background characters John and Jade, although that's due to the shock value of the implications.
• Back for the Dead: Walter in chapter 8, as well as everyone whom Alucard ate in chapter 4.
• Back for the Finale: The Captain.
• Brick Joke: Within the first set of chapters, Noah is reffered to as being "from a different anime" twice. This gag seems to have been abandoned until the very last line before the closing AN.
• Bus Crash: What happened to Sonic. And Cartman, but at least he got an explanation.
• Canser Bars: In the finale. Also probably what obscures Rip when her clothing becomes see-through.
• Chekhov's Gun: Alucard's tank after it fell into the ocean unharmed in chapter 4. To be fair, it did mention the tank as "waiting".
• Chekhov's Gunman: Ed, Eddy, and Sonic appear as part of the jury in chapter 9, and within the same chapter they provide rides for Hecksing while they're running away/chasing Lawyer Guy. Sadly, the other seven don't do anything noteworthy for the fan fic and only have a small mention in the epilogue. (Except John and Jade, a clip of their show was seen during Rip's award hosting.)
• Coitus Ensues: The ending to chapter 7.
• Crossdresser: During the Show Within a Show starting the Millennium, the Major plays as the "mother" of the family by wearing a pink dress.
• Crossover: With The Simpsons, Halo, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, Pikmin, and briefly with Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy, Sonic the Hedgehog, Bleach, One Piece, Naruto, Homestuck, South Park, and Mega Man. But not Total Drama. That's a different anime.
• Cruel and Unusual Death: Used often. Tubalcain and Jan both get holes blown in them from Carl's sonic waves. Similarly, Zorin gets a hole punched in her face from Mayor Quimby's blood extracted by Walter. Walter himself gets blown up by over a hundred bullets striking him at the same time. Lawyer Guy is melted/evaporated by lava in a volcaino. (Though he is a liquid metal robot.) Major gets a spike shoved up his ass. Finally, Hitler and Schrodinger both blow up in a massive explosion of Wierd Quantum Shit.
• Curb Stomp Battle: Almost every fight. A notable pair of example would be both of the fights between Alucard and Anderson. The first consisted entirley of Anderson rushing up to Alucard and decapitiating him. The second starts once Alucard fully regenerates, wherein he eats Anderson for calling Integra stupid.
• Deader Than Dead: So Anderson, Luke, "Card Guy" (Tubalcain Alhambra) and "First Boss" are all eaten by Alucard. But that doesn't mean that he can't summon them as familiars, right? Not if Alucard's dead.
• Decoy Protagonist: Alucard, in an odd way. The first "season" (chapters 1-4) appear to focus mainly on him as he tries to kill the Millennium, but come chapter four at the end of the season where he's suddenly Killed Off for Real by Jan. The focus then shifts to Carl.
• Demoted to Extra: Anyone who isn't Seras or Rip. Pip is by far the worst offender, getting only two lines before Carl's spaceship falls on him.
• Development Gag: (Giant Mutaint) Homer's rampage of New York is based on a SBIG fic idea where Homer Simpson gets taken over by nuclear waste and becomes an evil giant. Word of God says he's not sure whether or not to go with the idea, especially since this pseudo crossover occured.
• Disk One Final Boss: Alexander Anderson. He's reffered to as the "final boss of the fan fic," even though there's the entire Millennium before reaching there.
• Disney Death: Jan Valentine. Only once, though, the second time he's Killed Off for Real.
  • Also the Captain, who will later be revived through familiar by Rip in the final chapter.
• Early-Bird Cameo: It is mentioned in the epilogue's intermission that John Egbert gets a female counterpart of himself in a lab accident named Jean. Jade also has a counterpart named Jude.
• Expy: Alucard (and later, Carl) of John Freeman. Complete with having a vehicle where it shouldn't be (in Al's case, a tank).
• Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Tubalcain Alhambra is only reffered to as "Card Guy" throughout the entire fan fic. This is presumably because of his name being difficult to spell. Also, Schrodinger is reffered to as "Catboy" from the ending to chapter seven onwards. Then there's Lawyer Guy, who is an Original Character who's name is never revealed. (He might not even have a name, due to being a robot.) Oddly, "Major" is just called "Leader" until he is properly revealed, but this sudden "name reveal" means absolutley nothing, especially since in canon he's seen as early as the second OVA.
• Four Is Death: Guess what chapter contained Alucard dying, Walter revealing himself as a traitor, Jan showing how powerful his roboarm is, and is rather aptly titled "A Shocking Twist!" It's also arguably the chapter where the fan fic truley starts to diverge from canon's plotline.
• Full-Frontal Assault: Carl, Rip, and Seras end up doing this accidentally in the final chapter. Quimby points out that they basically went into battle while forgetting to put clothes on first.
• Half-Human Hybrid: Hitler is part snake ala Orochimaru. He mentions that he was turned into this, but the reason how is never explained.
• Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today? Pulled off by the narrator in saying he doesn't find Carl's naked butt attractive.
• Hell: There's four of them, actually. Red Hell, Purple Hell, Gray Hell, and Black Hell.
• Hypocritical Humor: The end of chapter 7. Zorin and Rip are basically allowed to have a foursome with Carl and Seras, but when one of the Millennium's soldiers asks to join right after, Zorin slices him in half.
• I Am Not Shazam: Invoked. Ichigo is reffered to as "Bleech."
• I Take Offense to That Last One/Disproportionate Retribution: In the first chapter, Alucard takes special offense to Anderson's "STUPID INTEGRA" line. Enough to eat him over it.
• Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: The fates of Major and Heinkel.
• Kill'Em All: The number of important characters left alive can be counted on one hand. Barley, though.
• Killed Off for Real: Everyone who died. Except Jan and technically the Captain.
• Large Ham: Everyone has a point where they shout in all caps. Even unnamed characters. Rip avoids this until near the end of chapter 13.
• Loads and Loads of Characters: The first four chapters only have the absolute central characters, but then side-characters such as Dracula, Homer Simpson, David Hasselhoff, and the jury in chapter 9 are introduced. Ed, Eddy, and Sonic of the jury even play a role in the aformentioned chapter (providing Hecksing with some rides), and all of them get a mention in the epilogue. Except Dracula.
• Ms. Fanservice: Parodied with Rip.
• Musical Assassin: Carl, with his Sonic Wave Guitar.
• New Powers as the Plot Demands: Rip and Seras's "secondary abilities" as well as... most of what the Major does in chapter 11.
• Nice Job Fixing It, Villain: It's implied that Jan's Hostile Mission Takeover prevented the Millennium from controling Alucard. Although Alucard dies instead.
• Nuke'Em: What happens to Alucard. Sort of.
• Oh Crap: Walter has one such moment when Rip guides several bullets at him at once.
• Once a Season: Rip's outfit becomes see-through.
• Only Sane Woman: Rip Van Winkle speaks clearly throughout the entirety of the fan fic. She also seems to be the only character aware of the author. No explanation is given on this.
• Paper-Thin Disguise: In chapter two, Jan and Luke get past Hecksing Manor's gate guards by putting on Mario and Luigi masks. It works.
• Parody Stu: Carl was supposed to be a parody of Jerk Stu, but Seras ends up filling that role if anything. An exception is Carl's introduction in chapter 3; he acts like a total jackass, but every chapter after he's wise and planning.
• Really Seven Hundred Years Old: As of chapter thirteen, Rip is no younger than one hundred.
• Recap Episode: The beginning of chapter ten.
• Rouge Angles of Satin: Just look at the title.
• Rule of Three: The fan fic mentions that Noah is "from a different anime" exactly three times: Once in chapter 1, once in chapter 3, and the last time at the end of chapter 13.
• Running Gag: In the opening AN, "Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass [person who is relevant to the chapter, usually the Villain of the Week]. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!"
• Scenery Censor: Carl's junk is "obscured" (this is a fan fic written entirley in text, so this isn't really necessary) by a laptop. A laptop which is explicitley stated as being "small." This doesn't really make any sense—even aside from the aformentioned fact that this is text only—by how "cansor bars" are used later on in the same chapter.
• Self-Deprecation: The last chapter pokes fun at the author's own slow update rates; one of his fan fics, which in the HUCverse appears to be a show, is nominated, but the clip consists of "clip not ready yet" on a black screen.
• Sequel Hook: The very end of the fan fic, even after the closing AN, has a short scene of who appears to be Girlfriend from the Eds' EDventure building a device capable of reviving Ed and Edd.
• Sexy Discretion Shot: "Foursome censored this is vilent enoff i don't want it to go to M rating from T i men this was supposed to be K PLUS for kids for fucks sake!"
• Shout-Out: Several.
  • Major's death to Mobster Kingpin's death in Problem Sleuth.
    • Also, when he dies, he says two quotes from The Simpsons Hit & Run before dieing.
  • "I WILL VENGE YOU BRO!" Al shooted to skaia. Among many, many others (to the point where Rip avoids making a mention and actually says the author can "suck it..." only to make a reffrence in the last chapter when she calls Captain "good dog, best friend").
  • "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN IN MY BER MOTHERFUCKERS?" It was... Integra!
  • "ho home rip."
  • The David Hasselhoff ride is a blatant refference to the The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.
    • Also, Carl's Sonic Wave Guitar.
  • Alucard vs Luke is a refference to Kung Fu Hustle.
  • Alucard and Seras are, at one point, reffered to as "Sierra and Alejandro." Alucard later on sings a ripoff of This is How we Will end it in his battle with Jan.
  • The Simpsons' fourth season mentioned The Ren and Stimpy Show twice; once was a clip that Bart and his new "brother" were watching, the other was during a reward show where it was competing against Itchy and Scratchy. Both of these contexts were used in this fan fic to provide two clips of Ren and Stimpy.
  • Jan and Luke, in their first appearance, are reffered to as "Jean-Luc LeMans."
  • Hitler acts like a combination of Eridan and Eddy's brother, to the point where Rip's conversation with him resembles a talk with the latter.
  • The second half of chapter 8 is a copy of Naruto Shippuden's first arc, complete with the Millennium hideout being in a cave and the team of heroes splitting up as one of the two villains flies out of the cave with the captured person and the other, which uses attacks themed on string, stays and fights the women of the group.
  • There are a few reffrences to Undercover Brother, such as Rip taking the role of White She Devil during the end of chapter 7.
  • "ENOF IS ENOF! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MEDDLING HECKSINGS, AND THAT STUPID INTEGRA!"
• Show Within a Show: A few, three of them have been seen within the series. The first is Ren and Stimpy. The second is a Stylistic Suck (yes, even compared to HUC) series made by the Millennium. The third is one by John Egbert and Jade Harley and is losley based off of their respective interests. (And Ed, Edd n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures.) Also, one of Pikmin Fan's other fan fics is also a series, but it was not seen as the clip of it wasn't ready yet.
• Slippy-Slidey Ice World: Brazil.

The Brazil is COLD and was snow lik chater 7 of Papar Mario. But there wax still lots of haff nakee chiks wat made Carl go "AOOGAQ!" but Ceres splapped him. god, ca npot a man hav fun? Ther also others preforming, like majishons.

• Spared by the Adaptation: Rip, in a rather glaring example. Detonation chips were ret-conned out of this fan fic, as stated by Word of God. So, instead of being blown up, Jan leaps out of the mansion and survives a three story fall. He then proceeds to trick Rip off of her original mission through Rip having an Idiot Ball. Eventually, through a chain of events, Rip gets hired as part of Hecksing and avoids death several times.
• The Stations of the Canon: Played annoyingly strait for the first three chapters, with little variations such as Anderson dying in chapter one and Jan getting spared the next chapter, but during chapter four, Jan goes on the Eagle invasion instead of Rip, which leads to Alucard's death.
• Stripperiffic: Rip as well the the Brazilian "chiks" [sic].
• Stylistic Suck:
  • The spelling, grammar, and organization actually gets better as the fic goes on, an inversion of a common Troll Fic trend, but it's still pretty bad.
  • Arguably worse than HUC is the Show Within a Show by the Millennium. From what was shown, the humor consists entirley of "Hahaha Nazis are racist" and "Family Guy sucks."
• Spotlight-Stealing Squad: Carl. Arguably Rip.
• Take That:
  • At one point, the fan fic compares Seras/Carl to Courtney/Duncan, and is implied to be compared to other pairings that go in a related way, a jab at those kinds of couples.
  • The very beginning says that "Fakebook" is "not unlike a joke from The Simpsons," a comment on said show's debatable overuse of We're Still Relevant, Dammit!. A later chapter mocks Simpsons again—only this time in general—by portraying Homer as a powerful, brain eating giant who was once a normal man.
  • There's jabs at Twilight, although that's really more of a take that towards people who mock Twilight and other popular culture just to look cool. So, in essense, it's a take that at take thats.
• Tank Goodness: Alucard's tank. It can also fly, but only if you can get a liftoff.
• Thirteen Is Unlucky: There's thirteen chapters, and the fan fic both begun and ended on a 13th.
• Time Skip: Chapter 13 takes place 30 years in the future.
• Too Dumb to Live: Captain, who tells Carl and the Chief his one weakness.
• Unexpected Genre Change: Each "season" has a vastly different tone to it. It doesn't help that previously major character in both canon and early in this fic Alucard dies at the end of season 1.
• Verbal Tic: Quimby begins every sentence with "er a um," and Hitler talks like Eridan.
• Viewer Gender Confusion: In-universe in chapter 9:

Sonic: Hop on dud! Rip: I'm a woman. Sonic: O SHIT!

• Villain of the Week: Roughly. In order, we have:

1. Anderson and Heavensing.
2. Luke.
3. Card Guy.
4. Jan.
5. Zorin and Rip.
6. Mutaint Homer Simpson.
7. Zorin and Rip again.
8. A combination of Walter, Captain, and Jan.
9. Lawyer Guy.
10. Doctor and the Titan Mecha.
11. Major.
12. Hitler.
13. Section DCLXVI.

• We All Live in America: Parodied. "United Kingdoms of London," as well as it having a President (who is also a Mayor) instead of a Prime Minister. Also, to a lesser extent, it was assumed that the Grand Canyon was in Germany.
• We Hardly Knew Ye: Pip. And to some extent, Sonic.
• Webcomic Time: Chapters 1-12 take place within the span of one week.
• Wham! Episode: Parodied with chapter 4. It's even titled "A Shocking Twist!"
• What Could Have Been: Several details have changed, ranging from small scenes to entire character deaths/sparings. And yet, the base of the plot basically stayed the same from before the fic started to after it ended.
• What Do You Mean It's for Kids?: Parodied. The first chapter was supposedly rated K+, which explains why Hellsing is called "Hecksing" and why Alucard cuts off Anderson from swearing. Eight chapters full of unfriendly deaths and (offscreen) sex, and we have the Captain's "actor" telling kids not to pick up random mushrooms, something which should be obvious to anyone reading the fan fic.
• What Happened to the Mouse? What happened to Dracula?
• Where Are They Now? Epilogue: Mid-chapter, too. Although it mostly focuses on the side characters.
  • Hecksing is apparently also a band. And their Pikmin have replaced the Wild Geese/Hecksing Guards.
  • Homer Simpson has been reincarnated to Hank Hill, who later on started this universe's version of King of the Hill.
  • Naruto became Hokage.
  • Ichigo and Luffy continued whatever they were doing, but the author isn't sure since he hasn't watched the show. (A small case of Truth in Television)
  • The Eds have started up a business.
  • Mega Man continues to battle evil robots, and has been accepted as a fighter in Super Smash Bros 4, ignoring how after thirty years there's only one installment released.
  • Sonic died. There's no given reason why; that sentence was, in fact, all his section said.
  • Cartman had joined one of the Hitler Revival Groups, but was killed by Hecksing some time after.
  • John and Jade had Opposite Gender Clones of themselves created after a lab accident. They also run a show (a clip of which is seen briefly in Rip's award show), and have gotten married and had kids.
  • David Hasselhoff continues his job. He is one of the few characters to not die off, in an attempt to defy Harsher in Hindsight.
  • Noah's still from a different anime. That hasn't changed.
• You Can't Thwart Stage One: Averted during chapter 8: Carl prevents the Millennium from traveling back in time and taking over the world, so they have to move to a last miniute backup plan.